Thank you posted 10/30/2008 11:06:15 PM | 3 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: thanks

luvshorses644

This is a thank you to each of you that donated to the American Diabetes Association in the name of my brother. I am pleased because I know it would have pleased Rick that there was not a fuss made in his name but rather others would be helped because despite everything else that was a flaw in his character, he had one of the best hearts and would help anyone that needed it. My brother had so many things that were taking away his health, his diabetes, his pancoliotis, his anemia, top those off with what he did to control the pain. The effect emotions and psychosocial well-being have on pain cannot be ignored as emotions have a direct effect on your health. Pain so often is accompanied by loss—loss of function, loss of employment, loss of money, loss of friends and relationships to name just a few—it's no wonder that people in chronic pain have an increased incidence of depression, anxiety, and sleep disturbances. Research has shown that people in chronic pain suffering from depression have poorer outcomes than those who are not depressed. It is natural for people in pain to grieve for what they've lost, and it is important to remember that your family members and friends grieve too. Your emotions may range from fear, anger, denial, disappointment, guilt, and loneliness to hope and optimism. Every person feels different emotions at different times, which can make relationships and pain control difficult. My brother suffered from all of these and in the end he just gave up.

That being said, I find that I am overcome so much with the waves of grief, of loss, that continue to come at me at the most inconsequential moments. On my ride into work, I have a new purpose – I pray for Rick and for all those souls that gave up on life.

My ride holds so many beautiful spots along the way ... there is a pull over which is at the base of the 5 mountains surrounding my area of residence which, in the morning, the colors are spectacular as the early sun is beginning to rise over the mountains which are always blanketed in fog from the Susquehanna. The second most beautiful spot is the last corner following the river into West Nanticoke, each time I round that bend the magnificence of God’s majestic masterpiece of artwork is there for me to view. Lately, with the colors of autumn, this is most spectacular. And last weekend when I was traveling to Rick’s house to paint and do the necessary repairs, I was greeted with a rainbow, which I believe was my brother’s sign to me that he was with my first brother and no longer in pain.

The last few years have taken a big, big toll on my parent’s health, as they watched someone they loved with their entire heart each day get thinner and thinner and sicker and sicker. My father has guilt feelings that he was so tough on him not knowing all the heart problems and colon problems he had. My mother just knows that this is her baby and the second boy that she buried. Though I was a great distance away, I saw the signs each time I visited the hometown and Rick would come down to the parents to sit and “chaw the tabacca”.

There were a lot of dynamics in the family and with Rick’s personal life that none know about, but what amazes me constantly is that people use what little brains they have in discussing how much better they would be at handling their life than the person (in this case, my brother) did. What no one knows and no one ever will unless they do as the saying goes and “walk a mile in that person’s shoes” is what life has tossed to them and how completely useless one starts to feel when they are in so much pain and have so little energy to be anywhere close to how productive they once were. Life is hard enough on each of us when we have our health, when that health factor is missing and life still keeps on coming at you at light speed, it pushes the button until it reaches the edge of “giving in and letting go” or wanting to give it another try (and if you know or feel there is no use, I can understand the hopelessness).

I was Rick’s 2nd mom, and I knew that man better than anyone that wags their tongue or shakes their head. I saw the way he was before my first brother was killed, and I saw the light that was torn from him afterward. Rick was only 10 when David (his big brother, his I am gonna tag along with you, his mentor) died. Everything that happened afterward took another piece of light out of Rick’s hopes and heart. He struggled to become just like Dave, to be the man of the family, the one to carry on the name. With each of life’s events which may not have turned out successfully, he became more disenchanted.

I saw the amount of energy he no longer had to expend in day-to-day activities; and when his strength left him and he was no longer able to work for long periods, and lost his full-time job, I saw how long and hard he fought to stay off of disability.. what little pride he had left was stripped at that point. There were way too personal and way too many things to share with each, but nonetheless they slowly took the remaining desire to live away piece by piece and Rick wanted only for the pain to leave, the struggle to be over. And if I was not cognizant of it prior, when I saw the conditions of the house that he couldn’t even keep clean, and realized just how much of a front he was putting up to keep the panic away from my parents, I knew that he knew he was dying and, rather than fight, he just wanted the peace of letting go and letting God.

Tomorrow, I must be strong again while I watch my parents crumble a bit more when they stand at the edge of their other child’s grave and lower their “baby’s” ashes in. I must face the fact that I, the eldest, am still alive and life was cruel enough to take the life of the youngest. While I know that life is most certainly unfair, I never thought it would be this bitter and hard to accept.

To see what my brother lived like hurt me and will stay with me for quite some time, to know of his despair and the loss of joy and hope. There are those that would ask why none of us went and cleaned or did things in his house.. my answer would be that Rick's house was the only place he had any control in life, any power. He asked us not to invade his house and do what we felt best for him and we abided by his wishes. This was the one and only thing that he had control of. While some believe that since we knew Rick was sick it was easy to accept his death, all I can offer is, I hope this is the type of pain you never experience. While I realize that this will sound cold, I am more prepared for the possibility of my own end or my parents as life has been longer and better for us.

May the Father always hold each of you in His hands. Please don't give up on life...

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