For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card it was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!"
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This 80-yr old man went for his annual check-up with his doctor. The doctor asked, "so how have you been doing?"
The old man replied, "Haven't been better, I am in the prime of my life. I have a 20-yr old wife and she is pregnant with my baby. So what do you think about that, doctor?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute, then said,
"I have an older friend much like you who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was going hunting and in a hurry he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal and went "bang, bang". Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that? said the doctor.
The 80-yr old said, "if you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes,
the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have
to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we
can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday
Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare.
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The Perfect Woman Would Say...
1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a
case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over
for a threesome!
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please
try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's
asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you
had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again,
come see!
15. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind
my head for ya!
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