The cover on the control panel was lowered yesterday at the meeting I attended late morning. I listened as several talked about learning to respond rather than react. I prided myself on having learned this lesson long ago -- claiming no problem with reaction -- asserting privately that I maintained control over my own life only and did not try to control others.
Later in the day, I talked with a friend about creating fantasies for those events where we felt powerless -- blocking memories of assaults and considering that a home invasion might possibly have been just a realistic nightmare.
The evening brought an email from a stranger that echoed my words from another time when I gave you the power to tell me who and what I was -- and when I in turn told you.
...and so, I proceeded to again give away my power... I approached you and got your disapproval. I claimed not to have asked for your judgment or sympathy, but perhaps merely by coming to you, I was looking for someone to punch my buttons.
In many ways you are like my dad -- including that I want to feel that love that you once expressed for me. You have offered me direction and suggestion and encouragement and hope. Last night though you dumped arrogance and patronage and disdain. In this virtual world your words remain on my screen to insult me...nonsensical crap, friggen stupid, drama for BS... Then when you had thrown your punches, you hung up on me, slammed the door...
How did I come to allow your hands on my buttons? I am coming closer to that point in time when I shall have prepared myself for my king -- not my sovereign ruler, of course, but rather one who shares the throne with me in a household we two create. I had thought that you might be that king as you had been instrumental in bringing that vision of Esther preparation to me -- and there was that expression of love...
Is my casting of you in that role of king an error? Or is fear of that which I desire making me test? Is it time to think of auditioning others for that place of mutual adoration? Or do I trust that by the time I am ready for that act in the play, I will have learned to not expose my control panel so vulnerably? Or is that ugly display in the face of my vulnerability an indication of what I must always expect from you.
Though you might never admit it, I know I punched your buttons as well. On some level was this a deliberate, albeit unconscious effort by us both to maintain the distance between us?
The exchange saddens me as not befitting a mature man and woman. How is this rectified? Asking the questions and waiting for the answers is the only way I know to find peace...
In faith...
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read more blogs!
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Josuha
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Nov 20 @ 12:56PM
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Asking the questions and waiting for the answers is the only way I know to find peace...
Not to poke holes in your reaction.
But I hear this alot from people.
'I just came to express myself..etc..etc..'
What many people are saying, 'I disapprove of your disapproval.'
There is an old saying..'If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question'.
More true than not.
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lacyvsq
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Nov 20 @ 1:18PM
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Thank you Josuha for your comment. I recognize in it my failure to express what I truly meant. When I ask a question in writing -- as in a journal, I get the answers from my higher power -- which I believe to be an indwelling Holy Spirit of God, the promised Comforter...
You are correct in my refusal to accept for myself, the disapproval of my friend/king-select. While I did allow him to punch my buttons, I think it tripped a circuit breaker. I just had to examine if there were more buttons pushed than appeared at first blush.
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TroutFishing
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Nov 20 @ 1:40PM
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Have you read "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Dr. Wayne Dyer?
I found it a good read.
  
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Peabianjay
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Nov 20 @ 3:17PM
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It's not easy to both find someone that you're willing to surrender yourself to and trust to push the right buttons while they, in turn, surrender themselves to you.
"'If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question" is never a good idea. Lack of understanding can't help. Ask the question. Face the answer. Change what you can, accept what you can't, and pray for the wisdom to tell the difference.
We all make mistakes...push the wrong button. Can you accept his faults? Your own faults?
Reset the breaker or replace it, as necessary.
Good luck to you,
PBJ
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unionman154
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Nov 20 @ 11:14PM
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Interesting. Good to see you posting once again.  ~*~
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