Well, It’s getting close to Christmas again. Thanksgiving has passed. Was able to make it through ..Spent all day with family members. Some I had actually forgot I had. Young people who I last seen as only small children, but now all grown up with children of their own. Looked over the room.. Who did I really know? It was “Hi Wes!” It was me just staring back pretending..”Who is that?” Felt a little silly not knowing just who they were. My fault.
Had to ask my daughter who is this?.. Who is that. Oh my! Really? Little did I know. They were all much younger then. That was before 1999, and even maybe earlier when I last saw them.
Time anymore flees pass so fast. My fault really. Didn’t keep up with family after my divorce in 99.. Kind of like I was shuffled out of the equation. Gone was family. Gone was the life I use to know. Gone was everything I was familiar with. Only because I chose to do so.. Trying to protect my young wife. I almost threw away family for her. Just to make her happy; secure.
Well, that was all years ago, and now here I am trying to reach out once again to family I was once alienated from. Trying so hard to be able to accept them all. They all seem to be able to accept me, but can I them? I do know one thing. One thing only, and that is I know I am loved. Loved by a woman who I haven’t actually met as of yet, but will in January.
I have always condemned myself as being a unwanted person. Maybe that was wrong of me to do so, but… Yeah, there is that word.. “but” which erases all that is said before. Still though even if I may have had a hard, and abusive life growing up, I do know I am worthy. I say that because I am no longer the person I once was.
Makes me sad at times looking back… remembering how I once was.. What a waste. Complete waste. I was no one you would ever want as a friend.
Now it’s Christmas right around the corner. How am I to cope with that? For the last 5-6 years I haven’t been able to celebrate Christmas.. No lights. No tree…Nothing. Not even presents to my loved ones. Just sadness of passed holidays. Memories.
I hope someday to be able to once again feel that joy. The joy that fills me on Christmas day when once again I am able to play Christmas carols, and give out presents to my family, and loved ones.
My heart cries out for that day.
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read more blogs!
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kywonder
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Nov 30 @ 7:44AM
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I so understand, and I pray that you find that joy again real soon.
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wvbluebaby
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Nov 30 @ 7:53AM
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you are on the right track, my friend...just hang in there and one day you will celebrate again 
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redtigr
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Nov 30 @ 8:17AM
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Good for you, Wes. 
I am happy to see you looking forward rather than back.
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WSOR
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Nov 30 @ 11:31AM
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Thoughts & prayers are with you my friend. Once my parents are gone, in all likelihood I won't see 90% of my cousins ever again. They feel they are better than everyone else, & I have tried to keep in touch via email, Christmas cards, etc. & things go unanswered, so I feel I've tried to meet them half way. You have a huge MD family that care about ya though. 
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butterfly943
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Nov 30 @ 11:42AM
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Your story is shared by many 
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Tiramisu4u
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Nov 30 @ 11:43AM
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Wes...just in the last year I have seen you take baby-steps forward...at one point I did not think you would allow yourself to continue in this life. I am SO proud of the progress you are making! 
Do NOT think back on those years as *wasted*...think of them as a learning experience...to never get that low again. Dont wait for January to begin your new life...start NOW! This minute! Get out and revel in the Holiday season...start decorating the house...call up family members and start to show them what a valuable member of the family you are!
Remember..*Life is not a dress rehearsal...its SHOWTIME!!* 
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DRACULA_VwV
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Nov 30 @ 12:16PM
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Or at least load your gun and kill a deer. Just think of it as santa's reindeer. Kill the bastard and reap the bounty. Bloody snow always warms my heart.
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sybnann
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Nov 30 @ 12:55PM
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Please remember Wes, "Don't cry because it's over, but rather "SMILE because it happened!!!" Well dear friend, I so feel your pain, and am so proud of you for getting to this place.
When you are the most "down" I suggest you first, think of your new love and smile, and second that you get out there and make someone else smile. There is no greater gift and it has ALWAYS worked for me!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless!
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misschoos
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Nov 30 @ 1:15PM
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Have a good one Wes. 
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Tunes4u
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Nov 30 @ 2:51PM
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Wes my Friend...consider this....
The windshield of a car is large....providing a clear view of what's ahead.
The rear view mirror is small.........think about it......there is a reason for that.
Giving is the answer Wes......in giving of yourself, you are the one who receives...it's guaranteed.
The more we take.....the less we become.
Keep up the good work .....there is much left to do!
Peace to your heart!
Tunes
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SpiritEnergy
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Nov 30 @ 3:48PM
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It has to come from inside, Wes. YOU have to accept and love you. Then the rest will fall into place.
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pinkypaula2
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Nov 30 @ 4:08PM
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hi wes im new here keep youre head up hihg and keep a smile on youre face i miss christmas as it was years ago when my parents were alive but i now have two precious grandaughters a son and his wife to share with keep up the good work 
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summerbreeze916
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Dec 1 @ 10:28AM
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The door was opened on Thanksgiving Day. Leave it open! Share your life, your feelings, with your family. They are there for you............still. 
Here's hoping you're happier in 2009! 
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mystery2u888
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Dec 3 @ 4:52PM
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