I struggled with being alone and single on holidays for six years after my husband died. There wasn't one year that I didn't tell myself..."maybe next year I'll have someone special to share them with."
Every year I'd get melancholy as I reminisced over past holidays. That's where I'd spend the holidays....in memories of the past. But I would decorate for two reasons...one I just loved looking at them and two, it fed my melancholy, it reinforced and validated my blues.
The holidays seemed to bring to the forefront all the mistakes I'd ever made as I mulled over my life. Somehow Christmas seemed to make all my wrongs....and being wronged....stand out glaringly.
It goes without saying that my holidays were not filled with joy.
Time passed. Seasons came and went and I just felt empty. NO holidays were joyful...not just THE holidays. For the most part I felt happy but I'd always lapse into misery and have to stuggle my way out of it. I remembered my daughter telling me years ago..."Everybody has someone but ME!" Oh how I felt those words stab into my heart for now it was my turn in that barrel.
I'm not sure when things began to change. I know I'd spent all my life just taking life as it came along thinking this is just the way life is and there ain't much I can do about it. I'd felt all my life that something was missing but I sure couldn't figure out what it was.
I'd never, from my first marriage on, ever been alone and single. I began to see that now all I had was ME...and I didn't like me very much. I'd never spent time with me and for that matter, always having a partner to immerse myself in, I'd never developed a 'me'.
From the time my husband died I was off on a wild spree...chased by fear. Living in a personal void...empty of self.
It was time. Time to find me. I was bone weary of a lifeless life. I was tired of being devoid of a lasting happiness and joy. So I set out to find what was missing.
Of course my first guess was a partner...that "other half" to make me complete. Yet every connection with a man that presented itself turned into a disaster and for awhile I was stymied because it seemed to be ME that sabotaged every one of them. What the hell was wrong with me anyway?
Then one day that proverbial lightbulb came on and I knew the answer. I wanted a partner to make me happy, fill me with joy...make my life complete. Do you know that's a hellava responsibility to lay on another person's shoulders? It is not only an impossible expectation but it is being selfish and self centered.
I realized if I expected a man to make me happy and joyful...expected him to fill me with those things then I must be empty to start with so what did I have to offer HIM? If I had nothing inside me then I really had nothing to offer.
Again, it was time. Time to make myself whole while I was alone. Be responsible for my own happiness and joy. I realized if I were to find a partner, the relationship would be doomed from the start. No matter how good it would begin, there would come a time when he would grow weary of being responsible for how I felt. It would become an unbearable burden.
There's an old saying...misery loves company. Have you ever noticed when two people get together...one is miserable and one isn't....that the one who is miserable just ain't happy until they make the happy one miserable too? The miserable one is putting the responsibility for their happiness and joy on the happy one and it's a 24/7 job always having to nurse and wheedle a miserable person. Eventually the happy person is just miserable too.
I could not and would not put this burden on a partner that I was suppose to love.
It was time to change me.
Miserable thinking was like a reel to reel tape that ran in my head...it was time to change the tapes. It wasn't easy....negative thinking is so easy....thinking positive takes work, diligence and self discipline. You may be surprised to know that you can conqueror negative thinking if you really WANT to and it does marvelous things for your self esteem and self worth!
I would like to have a lifetime partner. Now I'm ready. I'm self contained and responsible for my own happiness and joy. I have it so now I have it to give.
Someone asked..."What is love"....it's loving yourself enough that it overflows onto your partner. It's filling yourself with joy and happiness so it spills over onto them. Being "in love" is not love and it's a dangerous way of thinking. Why? Because being "in love" will wear off and suddenly you're faced with all those imperfections and flaws. You'll begin to ask yourself..."what about ME"?
Being "in love" is an emotional state charged with feelings, hormones and it tends to wear those rose colored glasses. "In love" attains to those needs. Love sustains beyond those needs. It's there for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Love sustains even if your partner gains weight, gets wrinkled and ages. Love sustains through time and trials. Love takes TIME and nouishing and communicating openly. Love continues growing and changing and adapting to all those changes.
Continued in comments....
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| What is Joy? A true Christmas Story |
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newpatches
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Nov 30 @ 11:49AM
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There is nothing that compares to the kind of love that grows over time. It must grow freely, without demanding it, manipulating it for selfish purposes, without impossible expectations.
A year ago I was not relationship material...it was all about ME. Now I'm comfortable in my own skin and I have more than enough to give because I made it happen. I'm comfortable enough to live with me....alone...if that will be the way it is. You see....I need to be good to myself because I deserve it and that goodness overflows and so does the happiness and joy.
So I sit here and admire my lil Christmas tree and all the other decorations. I listen to Christmas music and yes...I do reminisce about past Christmases but they no longer make me melancholy...they only enhance the joy that fills me today because I've made joy and happiness a choice. I make life what it is by choice and a partner can ony add to what I have already. If he has to bring it with him then failure looms and if he really loves me, he deserves the best ME I can give.
So, bottom line? Joy, happiness and love begin inside me. Any relationship I would enter, for me should be founded on what I can GIVE....not get. Getting should be the results of giving.
One more thing. Joy, happiness and love can not be feigned...if it is then its motive is "what's in this for ME?" Misery loves company.....
I deserve the best and so does he...whoever he may be. If he never comes along in what's left of my lifetime then all I have is me to take care of, nourish and I will keep my joy and happiness alive and well. And that ember that burns quietly in my heart that needs to give love will never go out.
May everyone find the joy of this season down inside of themselves. The overflow will just make that joy grow.
Merry Christmas to all...with love...
Patches
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signme
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Nov 30 @ 12:56PM
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Awesome blog, NP! 
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oceanlover734
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Nov 30 @ 4:25PM
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Ahhhhhhhhhh such truth here. ~*~
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stickshiftsally
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Nov 30 @ 5:12PM
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Great blog! Some people never reach that realization.
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summerbreeze916
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Nov 30 @ 10:39PM
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Wonderful, Patches................  
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funisnumber1
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Dec 3 @ 7:05AM
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You have a gift, Patches. 
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newpatches
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Dec 3 @ 9:40AM
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Thanks ya'll.....  It's just things I've learned along that road of hard knocks.
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mystery2u888
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Dec 3 @ 8:42PM
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My little patches........ What a wonderful blog patches........there are no words left........ 
 xoxo
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