Chapter 3
I could only look at him as I digested what he’d just said. I wanted to trust him…but I couldn’t. It just wasn’t in me. As my silence stretched out I again saw the pain in his eyes. I couldn’t fix it, hell I couldn’t fix my own. What did he expect of me anyway, just jump at the chance to have him like some desperate woman looking for a meal ticket? I would not be rushed into anything. I dropped my gaze then turned again to look at that perfect Christmas tree.
Was it really perfect? Everything had its flaws…people were flawed and some flaws stayed hidden deep not to be discovered until it was too late. How well I knew too late.
“I’m sorry.” He said, “I just thought….” And his voice trailed off to a stop.
“You needn’t be sorry” I said as I again looked at him. I suspected we mirrored one another in our pain. “We’ve both been hurt, I can see it in your eyes and I think you mistook the pain in mine for something else…need maybe? Is it really that obvious?” I flinched at my own words…I felt exposed and vulnerable.
“I’m not special,” I continued. “I’m just a gullible fool who wears her heart on her sleeve…or I use to. Pointing to that tree I took a deep breath and said, “That tree looks perfect, special but have you looked closer? If you examine it you’ll fine maybe a broken branch, dead needles or a crooked trunk. I’m like that tree…flawed deep inside. You deserve better.” I turned and headed back up the trail…I would not let him see my tears.
I climbed into the sleigh and waited, drying my tears on that blanket. Perhaps ten minutes passed and I was becoming concerned. I hadn’t meant to hurt him more than he already hurt but neither was I going to be a sucker for any man’s sweet talk again. Maybe he meant what he said but I suspected it was spoken in a moment of loneliness. His intentions were good but his judgment was way off. I’d been on that end of it before and I wasn’t going there again. I just needed to recognize it for what it was…wishful thinking on his part.
I heard the crunch of his footsteps on the snow before I saw him. His face was unreadable but I suspected he was angry…embarrassed for being so bold…for assuming.
“I’m sorry. I won’t pretend to be what I’m not. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But I spoke to silence.
He walked up to Bell, took something from his pocket and fed it to her then laid his forehead on her muzzle and caressed her silky neck. I waited.
Leaning back with a long sigh he walked up to the sleigh and looked up at me.
“I examined that tree closely and you were right, it is flawed as you said. Taking my hand he tugged for me to join him. “Come with me, please?”
Again we walked into the trees off the beaten path. A short ways past the tree line he stopped and pointed. I couldn’t understand what it was he wanted me see. I must’ve had a puzzled look because he gently pushed me to a straggly tree, thin and unhealthy looking.
Putting his arm around my shoulder he pulled me close and said, “This is how that perfect tree began. Somehow it grew in the middle of that clearing alone and it was a sorry sight to see. When my wife left me I began to really notice it and somehow it reminded me of me, alone and broken.”
For a moment he was quiet then continuing in a voice gruff with pain, he said, “I couldn’t take care of me so I took care of that tree. I began to prune it, fertilize it, and give it tender loving care. Over the years it began to heal and thrive and so did I.”
Turning me to face him he encircled me in his arms and pressed my head to his shoulder. Whispering in my ear he said, “Yes I still have some pain but its different now. It’s the pain of a long search that has been fruitless…until now; until I saw you.”
Taking my face in his hands he continued. “Let me give you tender loving care, give me that chance. Let me prove that you can trust me. That’s all I ask, just a chance.”
I felt like my heart was being crushed with fear. I couldn’t hope again, I wouldn’t! The price was too high. Instead all I could see was a game to win my trust win my favors then dump me like garbage at the curb.
I thought, “Well, two can play this game. At least I wouldn’t be alone for Christmas.”
If he wanted a chance then I’d give it to him and enjoy it while it lasted. But never would I trust him…I knew full well what to expect and I figured he’d not disappoint me.
With that settled I looked up at him, smiled and nodded. A big smile broke across his worried face but there was something in his eyes, a shadow of knowing. Then it was gone as he softly placed his lips on mine.
Heading back to the sleigh he was laughing, talking a mile a minute with plans. Did he notice my silence? I was too busy shoring up and reinforcing those bricks around my heart. No…I would not trust again…just play the game while it lasted.
To be continued….
Copyright blbadgley
11/30/08
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| A Christmas Love Story...Chapter 3 |
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