Last Night...A Messege from Jason? Part 1 from email sent to friend......... posted 12/10/2008 12:09:11 AM | 5 kudos what's this?     report abuse

poniepower

Last night about 10:00 Matt wanted the computer, so I let him have it. I got offline and was bored out of my mind so I went down to storage to find a book to read. Again, I felt like something was pulling me down there. I found a book,
I could have left right away from the storage in the basement, but I didn't. I straightened it out. Boxes stacked, other computer monitor put up safely. Some of Jason's keepsakes put up safely too.
I have an antique foldout desk down there, and I'd put Jason's flowers from his funeral in it and his trapper keeper that he used to carry all his notebooks, pencils, pens, folders, etc....I hadn't looked in this trapper of his since he's been gone. Well, I was being pulled, you see. I moved the flowers, looked at them and sighed, No tears yet. Pulled the trapper out of the desk and unzipped it. His deoderant fell out. Tears!
All these questions, feelings, anger, sadness, Love, feelings I couldn't even begin to describe to you. They hit me like a brick! I sat down on the TV down there and started looking. I hadn't been looking at it for 1 min or 2 and I heard my youngest daughter, Carah calling for me. They were worried and said I was "MIA" so she came looking for me. (She'd just got off work and wanted the vehicle)
She asked me "why I was looking at Jason's trapper, that it wasn't a good Idea" she thought. I said," Honey, I havent' looked in it yet, and I think now is a good time."
She was standing there when I stuck my hand in one of the folders, a blue one, and pulled out the plastic thing that holds pictures from a wallet. I sighed, took a deep breath, Carah still watching me.
Jason had a picture of me on top, then one of our dog when me and the kids and my x bf lived in TX, then a pic of him as a baby, about 17-18 mths old, then a pic of me and his dad at our wedding....I lost it ...I lost it...I was so hard for Carah to stand there and listen to me bawl and say "why, why my baby, Jason, oh my God how I miss you, and I love you.....Jason, Oh my God Jason...." and I guess I kept saying his name and just bawling....she had to leave. She couldn't take it.
I stayed down there and cried. Not caring if anyone heard me.
I then calmed down long enough to look and read his papers and notebooks again. His handwriting was beautiful. I remember his teachers telling me this.
I came upon a "turkey"..."Tom turkey" is what the paper said. name, It was his hand. He'd traced his hand in his notebook and named it Tom Turkey. I put my hand in his, and his hand was larger.
I really heard Jason whispering to me...I knowI was NOT imagining it!
"Mom, you're holding my hand". Is what he whispered to me. I again started crying. But I kept looking, searching for something, I didin't know what I was searching for but I kept looking. Something told me to keep reading his homework, his school papers.
He had a daily planner, that the school had given him. He had to fill out the dates though. Since it was a new school and we moved up there in Febuary, that's when the dates started.
I read all the way through to March....March...My heart started beating faster with every day in March. But, there were NO WEEKENDS in the book. Feb, March, NO WEEKENDS! I get to the dates of March 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 26th, 27th...........WAIT My brain told me to stop!!! There was No 25th.
No 25th.....Oh My God!!! All I could do was cry and cry at the top of my lungs until my chest burned.
Jason's life ended here on earth on March 25th, 2006. Why would he not put the 25th in there and put the weekend of the26th and the 27th?? My mind was racing as fast as my heart!! I sat downstairs forever, it seemed. I had to calm down before I came up to the apartment with Matthew. I had too!
I finally calmed down enough to lock up storage, and climb the stairs. Matt was on the computer, but he could tell, he could tell something was wrong.
"Mom, why do you have that trapper, you're not suppose to be reading that,Jason's stuff in it will only make you cry, I don't like to see you cry".
What was I to do? I wanted to show him the planner, the pictures.
I laid on the bed or a while, he was playin music on youtube or myspace or something.
I started crying again when a song came on. I asked him to change songs. He did.
After I calmed down again, I asked him to look at the planner, tell me what is wrong with it. ( I wanted to know I was seeing what i was seeing)
"the 25th is missing Mom". What does that mean Matthew? I don't know Mom, but it's weird!..........continued in 2nd email to a friend...will post ...

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Blogs by poniepower: Just dropping by.... Update on ponies house.... Last Night...A Messege from Jason? Part 2 from email sent to friend......... Last Night...A Messege from Jason? Part 1 from email sent to friend......... It's that time of year again! What Makes Me Happy......... A New Christmas Poem It's Great to be HOME AGAIN!! HE'S COMING HOME TODAY!!! WOOHOO!! HI MD friends, Just letting everyone "we're ok, for the most part" Please say a Prayer....... Hello All, .....Updates in my household Who I've Become........ An update on me and the kids....19 mths after accident Life right now...as I know it... Just to let you all know I'm still here.... Haven't blogged lately..... Will I make the right choice...Will God guide me in the right direction about... Both fronts have united...(Mom and Dad) TN trip continued....(puter messed up) lol Our trip to Nashville, TN over Easter I was Blessed again today..... I think the sun may shine........ March 25, 2007