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| Apr 29, 2007 @ 10:47 AM |
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife
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MuskogeeBill
Posts: 607
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit. I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
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