| Apr 20, 2006 @ 4:09 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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Stevesco
Posts: 455
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A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
Translations are available upon request 
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| Apr 20, 2006 @ 4:11 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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Stevesco
Posts: 455
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door. 
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| Apr 20, 2006 @ 7:31 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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| Apr 20, 2006 @ 7:40 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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NatureGal745
Posts: 708
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Oh my......dry, dry ,dry..........and very....... More! More please 
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| Apr 21, 2006 @ 8:51 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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Rinimer2003
Posts: 114
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The best of the best!!  Share more...please????
Sara
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| Apr 24, 2006 @ 5:49 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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funnyladyinred1
Posts: 24
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We'll ne'er see another, until our Steve reh-terns. (remember to roll yer "arhs")
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| Apr 26, 2006 @ 11:49 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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Dreamcruiser
Posts: 1
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Where does Virgin wool come from in Scotland ?
Ugly Sheep 
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 9:50 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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Stevesco
Posts: 455
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In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 2:30 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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redhairNfreckles
Posts: 4,698
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 6:10 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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NatureGal745
Posts: 708
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Good one Steve!
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 7:12 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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waterfire
Posts: 2,946
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"Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".
great
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| Jul 8, 2006 @ 9:13 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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funnyladyinred1
Posts: 24
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The boys thought it was very funny. Thanks for sharing.
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| Jul 12, 2006 @ 1:31 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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Luvs2Dance1983
Posts: 18
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One day two little old american ladies were touring Scotland and were sitting on the bus when one of them noticed a Scotsman wearing a kilt sitting across the isle. After a whispered conversation, one of the ladies turned to the man and said
"excuse me kind sir, but we are from America and have always wondered what a scotsman wears under his kilt."
Well the Scotsman grinned and said "Aye m'lady just reach up there and find out for yerself" and turns toward the ladies offering a free feel.
The ladies exchange glances and both tentatively reach up the kilt for a feel. Both women withdraw their hands quickly in disgust and one says "oh heavens! that's gruesome!!"
The Scotsman grin widens and he says "well m'lady ye might just want to reach up there again. It just gruesome more!"
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| Jul 16, 2006 @ 12:20 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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hahohalo
Posts: 213
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a hundred yards.
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| Sep 3, 2006 @ 10:14 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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funnyladyinred1
Posts: 24
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What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
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-------> A Rolling Stone will bellow: "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!"
While a Scot will usually yell:
"Hey, McCleod! Get off of my ewe!"
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| Sep 9, 2006 @ 9:55 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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Stevesco
Posts: 455
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Greetings One and all ....Nice to see this Thread hasn't expired during my absence from the scene...
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.
and for all you American Readers.....
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard." 
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| Sep 9, 2006 @ 3:08 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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DoorWatcher
Posts: 6,259
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Steve...you're the cutest funny man I have ever seen. I live in Scotland County so I can appreciate it all. Our high school band has the full kilt and regalia....glad to see you back. 
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| Nov 3, 2006 @ 6:16 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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Stevesco
Posts: 455
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Its about time this thread was bumped up to the front again...Soooooo here we go....
The Average Englishman..
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.
He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.
At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.
He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.
No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood
What a Genius lot us Scots are
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| Nov 8, 2006 @ 9:17 PM |
The Scottish Joke Thread...
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Gangrel_in_London
Posts: 23
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Good few, that.
From Ullapool, myself. Sort of a backwoods, really...but I still want to go back.
Anyway, "hi" from America!
~Gangrel
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| Nov 16, 2006 @ 2:54 AM |
The Scottish Joke Thread... |
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carpediem48
Posts: 3,372
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Stevers
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