| Feb 5, 2007 @ 12:22 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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VaPeppermintPatti
Posts: 104
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Asking for Someone to Change...
Recently I had the nerve to give someone my phone number on MDr, at his request of course, and within the first half hour of the conversation he asked me the following:
1. Have I ever considered bariatric surgery for my weight? As we know bariatric surgery is comprised of either "the band" or "realignment of the GI system" or "stomach stapling...this is just for clarification. I explained that I cannot have any of that accomplished as my weight is from hyper-adrenalism. THEN I get the lecture from this man about how he "eats to live and not live to eat." Dayum! I sure wish that I had put on this weight from grazing at every fast food place that I had ever come across in my life and didn't have to live with a hormone upset and associated problems that gave me a sluggish metabolism.
2. Would you consider quitting the smoking to have someone in your life? I'm a light smoker and it is my last vice. Nobody's perfect and especially this fellow from everything he'd spoke of...married X times and every failure was the woman's fault, doesn't own his own home or really anything to speak of...says he's non-materialistic, and not even remotely average looking for a man. Trust me when I say he's no prize, as I have dated some truly gorgeous men in my life and married two of them...doctors, lawyers, indian chiefs, engineers, major business owners/CEO's, airline pilots, etc.
3. Would I consider giving up my two cats to have a relationship with someone? Aw, heck! My two little well behaved cats are both senior citizens and have seen me through thick and thin. No way in blazes would I give them up for anyone! I adopted both of them, they were strays, and it is like keeping and raising your own children...RESPONSIBILITY! He went on to inform me that he was NOT a pet person, never was, and that I guess I could keep my two cats since they had seniority over him. Lovely, huh? Like I needed his permission to keep them? Heck! I have owned horses, hunting dogs (setters, pointers, and scent hounds), cats, and other assorted barnyard beasts. So, I guess that makes me a real animal lover and wouldn't know what to do without some sort of hairy, four-legged beast running about my house or property.
My weight is obvious by my picture in my profile...chubby cheeks and all. I've not hidden the fact that I am a smoker. I am an accomplished woman in my own right with my former Federal employment and my writing/editing accomplishments. I am NOT stoooooopid and have been readily accepted in this life upon many occasions for who and what I am. Shoot! I have unfortunately been placed upon a pedestal a couple of times too many for this simple woman's likes.
Now why in the world would any man open up a dialogue knowing full well who and what I am by my profile if it runs contrary to his belief system? This middle-aged chubby chick is NOT desperate for a man in her life by a long shot. Do I look like I need to scrape the bottom of the proverbial barrel with someone like HIM? I don't think so, boobie.
I learned during my young and stupid years that you cannot change a person and you just have to accept a person for who and what they are. I genuinely like people who are different from me and I would NEVER ask anyone to change.
So, has anyone else, male or female, had someone like this start dictating terms to you, or attempt to anyway, during the initial conversation(s)?
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| Feb 5, 2007 @ 7:51 PM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Danceanddream
Posts: 5,828
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Think I would have hung up on him after the first question!
Myself.... I don't give my phone number out easily. That's one of the great things about MD.... you can email back and forth as long as you want and get to know someone pretty well first..... all those questions could have been brought up in an email..... and I bet you wouldn't have given him your phone number then! Just my opinion though.
I do agree with you..... you can't change people. And frankly..... I wouldn't want to try to change someone, just as I wouldn't want someone to ask me to change. I figure it this way.... they either like me as I am... or they don't. Simple as that!
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| Feb 5, 2007 @ 11:48 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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raykl
Posts: 566
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The good news is that people can change- if they choose to do so.
The bad news is that at the age of 50+, I don't think it will happen to please another person. By this age, if you are not happy with the person that you are- I do feel sorry for you. We have had years of practice to get us where we want to be. I feel that if someone does not want me as I am, just move on, (buy a puppy and train it to do whatever it is you like) and allow room for that person who does to move in. I certainly have no intention of ever asking someone to change for my sake.
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| Feb 6, 2007 @ 6:28 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Annie_Girl
Posts: 217
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OH! This is a good one!
I had been emailing with a guy for a couple of months, then one day he tells me that he considers me his best friend. The email then went on that he considered my weight to be a problem and told me to VOW to him (capitilization was his) that I would follow a diet and exercise program that he would email to me daily. I replied that true friends accept each other as they are. His reply was a stearn PLEA (once again, his word) that I put my future in his hands and VOW I would lose weight for him. Do ya think this guy has some control issues?????
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| Feb 6, 2007 @ 8:39 AM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,299
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I've been changing all my life and I hope to continue changing for the rest of it, but based on what I want to be when I grow up. Annie's got it, it's all about control, and I was dumb enough to get into a relationship like that when I was 20...I hope I've learned and changed enough to avoid it like the plague now.
Ask someone to change for me????? Nope, don't think so. The only kind of relationship I can see succeeding for me would be one where we're both evolving, hopefully in pretty much the same direction because our basic values are similar. If I can't find someone to share a relationship like that, I'll continue my singledom...I'm certainly used to it and it ain't half bad.
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| Feb 6, 2007 @ 9:17 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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flspirit
Posts: 50
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 omigosh! how funny!
Actually sad for you PeppermintPatti, but it sounds like you CAN see the humorous side.
Like Dance, I don't give out my phone number very easily and I certainly would have hit the END button after the first question. Yes, people CAN change at any age - but it has to be because they themselves WANT to change and want to change for themselves - not to please another person.
I just saw a play recently entitled "I Love You - Now CHANGE!"  - someone either likes you the way you are or they need to move on.
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| Feb 6, 2007 @ 1:26 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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VaPeppermintPatti
Posts: 104
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raykl:
The good news is that people can change- if they choose to do so. Right, but there are some things in our lives that we cannot change regardless of how hard we try, the medications or medical technology available, etc. A Pat-ism for the record..."Ignorance can be cured through erudition, but stupidity is hereditary.
Annie:
That fella definitely has some control issues and needs to be blocked. Him suggesting that you VOW to drop the weight for him is way out of line. You know, that would be like one of us gals suggesting to him that he drag out all of his SPAM regarding "male enhancements"...ahem...and take advantage of such, and then he'd be far, far more desirable. Right? LOL
Heaven:
It is normal through the course of our lifetimes to change, evolve, and reinvent ourselves due to life's up's and down's.
Spirit:
Oh, you have to see the humor in this one and it told me straight out why he's been cruising on here for such a long time. He's destined to become a lonely OLD man. Like I stated previously, definitely nothing to write home about.
Dancin':
As for giving out my phone number, I will say that curiosity got the better of this cat, as being just too intrigued. I'm fortunate that this particular fella is far enough away not to become a problem, but in the county that I live in I am well known and do have people keeping an eye out for me, i.e. "Walkin' Tall," is what we call her, a lovely county police officer that lives up to the name...6 foot tall, African-American amazon that cruises probably close to 225 pounds of solid muscle. This is just the way of living in the country...keeping an eye out for each other and the variety of characters that make the plot interesting.
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| Feb 6, 2007 @ 1:32 PM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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SunBabe
Posts: 11,589
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And it's handy when we're perceptive enough to know that, despite someone's words (platitudes), when we KNOW that they wouldn't really like us the way we are...being in a relationship would make us feel obligated to change. (Not saying that some people/partners, the right ones, aren't a good influence for change-for-the-better -- without resentment building -- such as the guys I've known that have helped me be more productive when we're together, because of sharing a routine and getting me to cook and eat right again, etc...then again, I don't resent it because I know me and my self-inflicted faults)
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| Mar 22, 2007 @ 11:02 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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Say_Yes
Posts: 1,573
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Its funny, people want others to change, but never want to change things about themselves. Just think how often you see people post in these forums about how others should be more accepting of them. At the same time, they never consider changing the things, which cause others to reject them. Not everything is within our power to change about ourselves, but many things are. If you are constantly being rejected and you have the power to change the things in your life that are the root cause of the rejection, then perhaps it is not others that need to change.
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| Mar 23, 2007 @ 4:51 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,299
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If you are constantly being rejected and you have the power to change the things in your life that are the root cause of the rejection, then perhaps it is not others that need to change.
That's kind of the point here though, Say_Yes. Raykl picked the age of 50, and I think that's probably a pretty good choice - by then we've done a fair amount of changing based on what we value. If you start changing to please others rather than yourself, you end up getting into that old 'finding yourself' thing that hopefully you've already worked your way through by this time. Our 'faults', or quirks, or whatever you want to call them, are actually the very characteristics that may limit our choices but also help keep us from getting into relationships that are wrong for us. As I said before, I'll happily take singledom over a coupledom where I have to submerge parts of my personality. Been there, done that, have the tee shirt.
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| Mar 23, 2007 @ 12:22 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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robodad
Posts: 5,421
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Patti, ask him if he'll do something about his flaws (I bet he has many of them)...tell him to gain weight, get cosmetic surgery for his beady eyes....yadda yadda. 
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| Mar 23, 2007 @ 4:57 PM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Say_Yes
Posts: 1,573
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That's kind of the point here though, Say_Yes. Raykl picked the age of 50, and I think that's probably a pretty good choice - by then we've done a fair amount of changing based on what we value. If you start changing to please others rather than yourself, you end up getting into that old 'finding yourself' thing that hopefully you've already worked your way through by this time. Our 'faults', or quirks, or whatever you want to call them, are actually the very characteristics that may limit our choices but also help keep us from getting into relationships that are wrong for us. As I said before, I'll happily take singledom over a coupledom where I have to submerge parts of my personality. I could not agree more. The point I was trying to make (and not making well) was that people want others to change, but are not willing to change themselves. I see a lot of hypocrisy in that attitude. If you constantly deal with rejection, then perhaps you need to look internally at what it is that causes the rejection. If it is something that can be changed, then consider whether it should be changed. To put it in more of business perspective, what I am suggesting is doing a cost/benefit analysis.
For example, If I am overweight and if people that I desire to date reject me on the basis of my weight/appearance, then I should consider whether or not I should try to lose weight. My weight is totally within my control. It is something that I can change. The question is, are the potential benefits, (more chances at relationships, improved health, etc.) worth the effort. If they are, then a prudent person would make those changes. Of course, in the online world, the typical person would rather complain about how shallow others are and blame their state on the choices of others. In reality, being obese is a choice made by the individual and the consequence of their choice is their responsibility. The same goes for smoking, drug use.....
All that being said, the best relationship is made when two people are actually compatible. I want someone that will accept me as I am, not someone that will try to change me into something that I am not. At the same time, I want to find someone who has the characteristics that I desire in a mate.
Keep in mind that change is a natural part of life and we all change over time. I think Jack Nicholson said it best in, "As Good as it Gets". I want to find someone who will "make me want to be a better man".
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| Mar 23, 2007 @ 6:27 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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VaPeppermintPatti
Posts: 104
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Robo....
I would never ask anyone to change as that is what and whom they are. You have to accept everyone as a "package deal" and you take it from there as how you are going to deal or not with them. We all have our preferences, but when you receive the barage that I spoke of with the thread it was a bit much.
I pay no real mind to the world's malcontents and shallow people the majority of the time, but I have noticed that certain men who look like toads with a bad comb-over always make the demand that a woman look something akin to a Dalla cheerleader. Know what I mean? They feel like they deserve such in life, but they take no heed of how they look or act. Very sad and they shall always be alone. Little do they realise that no one dies healthy or in fabulous form of face and physique.
I'm fortunate that in my life the people that truly count enjoy this over-intelligent, witty, chubby and handicapped woman and to all the shallow people their loss.
Pat
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| Mar 24, 2007 @ 4:34 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,299
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For example, If I am overweight and if people that I desire to date reject me on the basis of my weight/appearance, then I should consider whether or not I should try to lose weight.
At least part of the problem there is that you usually don't know why you're being rejected...or at least that's been my experience. I have to plead guilty to this myself - I'll usually just withdraw rather than state exactly what it is that bothers me about someone (probably BECAUSE I'd never ask someone to change for me ). I have no clue whether it's my weight, my attitude, my laugh...or dare I say it? Might I have bad breath, and even my best friends won't tell me?
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| Apr 19, 2007 @ 11:20 AM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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newlife2006
Posts: 607
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Now, Pepper, this is the funniest case of gold-digger I've ever seen!...
The guy decided that your money is a perfect match for him, but you are not , so he demands that you have to change . Sorry , pal, it doesn't work this way... 
If one hopes to succeed as gigolo - he'd better learn fast how to change himself to fit the lady's requirements and try to become the perfect match for her . That's his only chance.... 
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| Apr 19, 2007 @ 11:24 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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Shortiaintlying
Posts: 1,324
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if ya like someone for who they are why ask em to change? i only request that they grow.
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| Apr 25, 2007 @ 10:14 PM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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lazareth
Posts: 821
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When I first met my now husband in yahoo chat, ( I was living in NC) he kinda thought I was nuts cause I had so many cats. I'm sure he pondered alot about really getting involved with me (he would call me the crazy cat lady lol) . But he has accepted me for who I am ,quirks and all and I accept him for who he is. No way would I ask someone to change for me, why would I even get involved with someone that I wanted to change anyway. Needless to say, I sold my house in NC, loaded up 3 dogs and 6 cats in the back of a Blazer, and off to Iowa I went. Will be married 2 years in May
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| Apr 26, 2007 @ 12:45 AM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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signme
Posts: 8,786
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My ex b/f dumped me because I wouldn't/couldn't lose weight. He was 6 ft tall and weighed 130 lbs--did I try to make him gain weight? No, I accepted him. But he couldn't accept me. Current b/f accepts me for who I am, when I complain about my weight or looking old, he tells me it doesn't matter to him. He has flaws too but I know I won't be able to change him--we kid about the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks!" I try to change myself for the better but it is for me, not for anyone else. You have to be happy with yourself or you and everyone around you will be miserable.
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| Apr 26, 2007 @ 12:47 AM |
Asking Someone to Change...
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signme
Posts: 8,786
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P.S. Lazareth--nice to meet another cat person. I too have been called the cat lady! At one time I had 21 cats (when I was showing cats) but now am down to 6. My older ones died off and it feels like I hardly have any now!!!
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| Apr 26, 2007 @ 7:37 PM |
Asking Someone to Change... |
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lazareth
Posts: 821
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Sign... love my cats , at one time had 21 kittens born within 2 weeks cause someone dumped 3 pregnant cats at my house... thought I would lose my mind. But I was fortunate, found homes for all of em, now have 10 cats and 2 dogs, all spayed/neutered (except one dog Laz, cause he's gay lol)
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