| May 25, 2006 @ 5:17 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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raykl
Posts: 566
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Just to prove to Heaven that I can be serious.
You reach a certain age and you have been alone for some time, developed and adjusted to your way of living. You come to this site and post how you want to a
long term/marriage. You become frustrated because you cannot find that certain someone to spend the rest of your life with.
Could it be, could it be...
You really do not want to give up your independence, your way of doing things, the freedom to go where you want and when you want or talking to the opposite sex without someone going into a jealousy rage.
Is living with someone worth losing all of this? Can you not have some sort of
relationship with someone that you can share your problems, enjoy intimacy and everything else that goes with marriage? What is wrong with an occasional sleepover if you need it and then in the morning saying "ok, that was fun-now time to go home".
Is marriage that important, that you cannot experience the same without having someone to trip over constantly? I believe there is an age where marriage is something that just does not work as well as it did when you were young.
Just my opinion and I could be wrong, which more than one will tell me.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 5:47 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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Jankia
Posts: 11,912
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Marriage is a strange thing raykl.I personally think its most important when you are younger and still wanting a family with children.As we all get older and we get set in our ways, they are going to be difficult if not impossible to change.We have to accept and focus on each other for who we have become as individuals instead of who we will become as a couple.
I have five brothers,the only one of those five that has been with the same gal the longest...27 years is also is the only one never divorced.Why? He never married.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 7:31 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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sweet5red
Posts: 9,708
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Just to prove to Heaven that I can be serious.
You reach a certain age and you have been alone for some time, developed and adjusted to your way of living. You come to this site and post how you want to a
long term/marriage. You become frustrated because you cannot find that certain someone to spend the rest of your life with.
Could it be, could it be...
well U knew i would post after this..
to me it is a personal thing.
I feel life is better shared
and yes I would wear the "right" guys ring
Ok you say why Not have a
sleepover" and tell them ok that was fun Now you can go home..
call me Old fashioned but thats just me..I want to hear I love you, i want to feel loved, I want to give my heart totally..but the right way in front of god and family and friends..( No im not a prude far from it) I was married 21 years.. divorced now for 7. I never had a "real " wedding or a honeymoon..I would love to have both someday.. I want to eat dinner across from the same face, to see movies and cuddle up with the same person, i want to fall head over heels and feel giddy like a "teenager" to get off this *&%#(@* "dating go round" some people dont care.. But I do.. so there is MY answer.. if you want to shack up thats your choice.. If you wanna be a sugar momma or sugar daddy thats your choice.. just not My preference.. thats My answer and im sticking to it.. Sweet N Louisiana 
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| May 25, 2006 @ 7:58 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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wandaful123
Posts: 1,614
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Could it be, could it be...
You really do not want to give up your independence, your way of doing things, the freedom to go where you want and when you want or talking to the opposite sex without someone going into a jealousy rage.
I don't know what age this applies to? At 41 I don't consider myself young enough to want to start a family. But on the other hand, yes, I do want to get married. I want to make that comittment and have that same face, as sweet said, looking back at me daily as my friend, companion and lover. I do not plan on giving up any personal rights I have. I will continue to live my life as I see fit and would not even consider dating someone who goes in to a jealous rage over anything, let alone marrying them! I will find someone I am compatable with, someone I trust and trusts me back the same way which will allow us both to continue to be individuals yet united.
Ooops, just noticed this was in the over 50 thread, answers my first question! I still stand by the same thought though. 
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| May 25, 2006 @ 8:29 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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raykl
Posts: 566
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Wandaful-yes she is: That is why I posted this in the over 50 thread. I don't consider someone in your age group or younger to fall into the category that I am refering. My thoughts were directly to those who have reached a certain age where
change ibecomes more difficult.Thus, either consciously or subconsciously, we tend to reject or find fault with potential mates, because we really do not want to give up the lifestyle we have become accustomed.
MY answer.. if you want to shack up thats your choice
Sweet: I am not speaking of casual sleepovers here. I am refering to a monogamus relationship without the marriage harness. Two people who have feelings for each other, but want to maintain the frredom of living on one's own.
Being able to sleep whenever, eat whenever, go out whenever, without having to explain where, what, why or when.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 8:31 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,618
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Well, I'm over 60 and I'm afraid that I'm of much the same mind as Ray. To me, commitment is just that, commitment. Marriage, on the other hand, I see as a legality that primarily protects the rights of offspring of that marriage, which hasn't been an issue for many years now. I know that a wedding ring doesn't promise commitment, no matter what vows we make; most of us here are divorced. I've been in relationships that lasted a lot longer than my marriage ever did and were a lot more worthwhile in terms of emotional support than it ever was, even at its best. I kid around about prenups, but truthfully I'm generous by nature and share what I have freely with people I care about. I don't need a big wedding, been there, done that and it was a mistake. And yes, I also agree that you don't even need to live together...the LTR's I referred to were in separate residences. I'd love to find a significant other for the rest of my life...starting anytime. If it lasts 20 or 30 years, we can talk about marriage.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 8:45 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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wandaful123
Posts: 1,614
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because we really do not want to give up the lifestyle we have become accustomed.
Thanks Ray  My question with this is, why would you have to give up any of what you have become accustomed to if you found the right partner and isn't this what we should be seeking, someone who values us and our lifestyles as we are? I don't really think age applies a whole lot here unless we are talking of those just beginning their lives. Those of us that have lived and grown are looking for exactly what you speak of, true individuality and yet someone to share aspects of our lives with. A safe place to come home to...
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| May 25, 2006 @ 8:52 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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As we get older, marriage has other ramifications on our lives. Health insurance, SS benefits, pension plans, etc. ...all have to be considered.
I'm such a romantic.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 9:17 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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sweet5red
Posts: 9,708
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Sweet: I am not speaking of casual sleepovers here. I am refering to a monogamus relationship without the marriage harness. Two people who have feelings for each other, but want to maintain the frredom of living on one's own.
well Ray I have yet to find the"one" guy that wants a"relationship" after being divorced 7 years..you sleep with someone and they dont call after that.. BEEN THERE DONE THAT ( ONCE WAS ENOUGH) GOT THE T SHIRT.. I hope i am making sense.. you think you have something and the guy makes it seem, like you do and poof he vanishes.. and leave ya heart broke..No ray Im not insecure or desperate.. read it how ya will but it just seems to me there are alot of jerks and a holes out there ( i bet alot of ladies feel the same) am I wrong to be believing the things i do.. My faith is the only thing that keeps me knowing that HE is out there someplace.well Now that i laid my heart out. wide open you can laugh now and call me a FOOL but oh well.. i will get off My soap, box now.. Sweet N Louisiana 
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| May 25, 2006 @ 9:42 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,618
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Now that i laid my heart out. wide open you can laugh now and call me a FOOL
Sweet, no way would I ever call you a fool for that! We each have our dreams, and they might be different ones, just as we're all different...but without them we'll never have a dream come true...
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| May 25, 2006 @ 11:14 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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raykl
Posts: 566
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am I wrong to be believing the things i do.. My faith is the only thing that keeps me knowing that HE is out there someplace.well Now that i laid my heart out. wide open you can laugh now and call me a FOOL
Sweet:
Expressing your hopes and opinions does not make you a fool. Only those that disrespect anothers opinions becomes a fool. I understand what you are searching for, but it becomes the life of a salmon after a certain age and independence..
if you found the right partner and isn't this what we should be seeking, someone who values us and our lifestyles as we are?
Wanda
In a Utopian society, this becomes possible. However, there comes a time when the reality and disparity of all relationships comes to the forefront. Opposites do attract, but, after a time, they begin to repel. Although small matters at first, the accumulative effect is what causes the relationships to eventually fail. This probably has caused more divorces than money or sex combined "We just grew apart". No they did not. They allowed love to overlook the differences in the beginning. Other attractors hid the differences.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 11:20 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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wandaful123
Posts: 1,614
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*sigh* Pehaps this is why I've never been there.... searching for utopia, without the blindness of the initial high? well I'll carry on...
The salmon never give up either!
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| May 25, 2006 @ 11:30 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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sweet5red
Posts: 9,708
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*sigh* Pehaps this is why I've never been there.... searching for utopia, without the blindness of the initial high? well I'll carry on...
The salmon never give up either!
 thanks wanda.. and i must be a salmon since i will find My fish.. sweet N Louisiana  
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| May 26, 2006 @ 12:47 AM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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nah12
Posts: 3,973
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to me it's the part of not being able to compromise for the sake of each other that leaves a bad taste in my mouth about that type of relationship........reason being i've been there and done it and it always comes back to 1 of them wants there cake and to eat it to when it's all said and done.....sooner or later someone says the proverbial "i'm not married to you" and that is an immediate "OUCH eye opener"............just my opinion
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| May 26, 2006 @ 1:48 AM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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This is something I've discussed before with people. I remember a dear friend and I agreed we could definitely be great lovers, best friends, mates/dates forever -- in adjoining condos.
Then I had a "live-in" for about 6 months. While there was love, there was also a certain resentment on my end...he not only smothered me with his attention (later I realized it was a form of control), but I started to resent his dependency on me, not only emotionally, but financially. I started to resent him telling me what to do with "our" money. And "our" house. Excuse me?  WHOSE money? Whose house?  I learned I didn't share well...with him.
At that point I figured I'd continue my on again/off again non-relationship relationship with someone who respected my "space" as I did his. I entered his "world", so basically I change my standards and desires (COLOR, nice dishes, company towels, and mushrooms! ) to fit into his comfort-level and chosen (narrow) parameters. It hasn't been an ideal "ever-after" thing, but at least we truly enjoy each others company...when we're together. (I will always maintain my OWN home...set up the way I like it -- toilet seat down and girlie stuff all around  )
But BAM! When I met my "forever one" a few years back...omg, what a DIFFERENCE!!!  He instantly adapted to me (and my 'style') and I had no problem adapting to him (and some of the little things that would have normally driven me crazy, except they were nuthin' comin' from HIM) We were BOTH astounded...I was in his place, at first, then he was in mine. BOTH places were "home"...WE were "home". What an utterly amazing experience ~sigh~ TRUE love, the unconditional kind, seems to do that to a couple. And we knew it was rare, appreciated every moment (and 'things') we shared...we'd found our complementary half, which is why it worked so smoothly. (Then he died  )
BUT...!!! I know it CAN be, this sharing, this marriage/pairing thingy at an 'older age/life-stage', though I kinda doubt it'll ever happen again in my lifetime. Who knows, though...and we were 10 times more married, in our hearts and in our souls, through our COMMITMENT to each other, than 99% of most legally married couples (we had a few financial considerations that precluded the 'formal' marriage ceremony, but we would have, eventually...even if we had to wait til we were in our 90's  ...walkers and all  )
I'm back to rebuilding my "nest" for ME again...but I tell ya, that experience was incredible while it lasted. Neither of us had ever known such "one-ness" before. Fairytales turned into reality -- quite a feat for a strong-willed independent pragmatist like me. 
Oh yeh...I've never posted that I want a long term/marriage. hehehe, nevermind. Moot point. 
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| May 26, 2006 @ 5:23 AM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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nah12
Posts: 3,973
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Very well put SunBabe good post........
i agree and understand about the difference between the 2 and that's what keeps me looking and open to the posssiblity i guess.......
it's the narrow parameters of someone's wish list that's what bothers me even when it's mine....it just doesn't work for long with me i get bored or angry one it seems if not both, even when the friendship is valued above all else...
guess that's why my mind and heart always tells me it's not worth it if it's not with the right one for the right reasons......
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| May 27, 2006 @ 1:09 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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sweet5red
Posts: 9,708
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well No matter what anyone says.. I would still loved to be married again.. but i wont settle.. IM waiting for that proverbial " Knight on the white horse" or that cowboy to claim me"  Sweet N Louisiana
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| May 27, 2006 @ 5:07 PM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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lifesaver695
Posts: 7
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I totally agree! 
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| May 29, 2006 @ 8:48 AM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age?
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soaring16
Posts: 16
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I couldn't agree more with what you said.
The fact is many women actually feel the same way but often don't admit it. I like my snow bird type life style but this doesn't work for all people and when you get two people living their own lives but in somewhat different directions, someone is going to have to give up something to make a marriage work.
Why?
You've now got your own life and happy with it except that it would be nice to meet someone for dinner now and then or perhaps even a more intimate relationship but give up your independence?
Do you really want to be with someone who needs YOU to complete their life at this point?
You're really looking for someone to add to your life but this has nothing at all to do with a marriage committement.
Most have been married a time or two so they know from first hand experience that marriage is not the only answer.
While most of us are on here for a relationship few of us are REALLY willing to change our lives at this point to achieve it. The old saying, "It's my time now" is very true at this time in our lives.
Problem, as I see it, is too many people are approaching this too seriously like it IS for life when in fact, they really don't want that either...
What I always find interesting is the much older groups seem to accept this casual relationship idea much easier than those in their 50's.
Late 40 and 50 somethings seem to think they need a more serious relationship while those in their 60's-70's are just out for a good time.
While the problems at the Villages is tragic with the STD's going around, it does show that we may have an older mind set than those 20 years older than us. LOL
Just an opinion.
Bob
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| May 29, 2006 @ 9:24 AM |
Marriage- Why at Our Age? |
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Curiosity408
Posts: 89
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Ok, I had to jump in on this one, as these are the very considerations I've been dealing with lately (I'll be 51 soon). It is reassuring that I'm not the only one feeling the same way! I wondered if it wasn't an "age" type of thing, and I'm NOT talking "old age".
While most of us are on here for a relationship few of us are REALLY willing to change our lives at this point to achieve it. The old saying, "It's my time now" is very true at this time in our lives.
Soaring.........I'm a woman, and I'll admit it! (i.e. that I'm feeling the same way as the MEN posting here, that is.)
You know, I wondered if others my own age (or older) felt or could understand that! It sounds so "selfish" in a way, but I am seeing lately that deep down I'm feeling this exact same way. An old gal friend of mine (who is much younger), keeps saying that when/if I meet the "right one", I'll feel differently (such as what SunBabe said earlier about her experiences.)
As it stands right now, my main difficulty is finding the "time" that most men are expecting me to have (which I don't have, as I work in that horribly busy white-collar world, along with being a single mother, grandmother, taking care of yard and housework, not to mention finding alone time for myself, etc. etc.) or that I will MAKE time in order to spend it with the guy. As much as that thought is tempting, and I wanted to believe I would/could do that..........Uh..........so far that hasn't proven to be true with regard to me. And frankly, that concerns me.
I had an acquaintance recently tell me that I needed to make some changes with regard to my available time, and I found myself telling them that frankly, I like my lifestyle and don't want to make any changes!
Just because I'm busy, though, doesn't mean I don't want some companionship. BUT.............marriage and all that "togetherness" stuff is appearing to NOT be what will fit into my life..........right now anyway.  That was a bit disappointing to me to realize that might not work in. It is a bit of a relief to find others my age who actually DO think the same way as I do.
I meet plenty of available men, and have plenty of opportunities to have "dates", but for some reason, it works out very rarely. Frankly, what I have found out is the main and most available time I have to spend with others is during the day, at lunchtime, or at about 5 p.m. for another couple of hours. My evenings, what there are of them, END by 9 p.m. if not before, they don't begin at 9 p.m. There goes dating in the "evenings"!
I'm hoping my friend is correct. That when I meet the "right" person, whatever that means, our lifestyles will just "magically" fit with each other. Call me skeptical, because I think now that it's gonna be tough! 
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