| Mar 2, 2007 @ 8:56 AM |
Trails of online dating
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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(I been talking to this lady on another date site and we got to emailing from out regular email addresss I asked her phone conversation and she wanted to wait for the weekend and then I get this reply from my last letter)
Good morning,
Good for your dad, 69 and still working! I'm hoping I'm not that lucky (the workibg part) hoping I'm traveling :)
It's the next morning and the water heater is not fixed. He's suppose to be back this a.m. . He thinks it's a pipe in the wall. He's no genius. needless to say I had a very cold sponge bath this morning, brrr.
So what happen with the old girlfriend? Have you seen anyone since her? Was it casual or pretty serious?
See dating is like an inquistion. Especially if you're on line.
Before you get scared of the bright lights shining in your face, I'm gonna go now. I'm sure I'll be home waiting....
(I cut and paste)
So what happen with the old girlfriend? Have you seen anyone since her? Was it casual or pretty serious?
See dating is like an inquistion. Especially if you're on line.
Before you get scared of the bright lights shining in your face, I'm gonna go now. I'm sure I'll be home waiting....
(and my reply)
So whats up with that????? Nope it should not be like an inquistion at all I believe I should treat everyone with respect with no aire of contempt for them, even if they are on line. But to be drilled like that for information... nope I wont be treated that way. I have to much self respect. The thing is my side of the street is totaly clean in that relationship and I did love her very much.
Best of luck to you
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 10:02 AM |
Trails of online dating |
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Devoe was it the word inquisition that bothered you so much , or the question? I feel it was a reasonable question to ask of you. She was not accusing you of having doneanything wrong , but simply wanting to understand how or why your relationship ended. I have been asked " why my marriage ended?" or "what happenned in my last relationship?" They are reasonable questions to ask , when you are trying to get to know someone.
I think you over reacted.. if you like this lady otherwise,, you might have to do a bit of damage control to make things right again.
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 12:49 PM |
Trails of online dating
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Hi Dove
Well its a possiability that I did, but look at the bright lights coment and that I am on line. Why is it even more so that if I am online that I need more questioning? Read between the lines. The term inquistion like the Spainish Inquistion? The image in my head is like that I being question at the police station under a light.
Asking a question like that is silly I mean that people will lie if they mistreated the last person. I found this out the hard way from the last girlfriend in question. I find out what a person about while we are out in public How they treat strangers and how many friends they have and how long they had thier friends ect.
No there will be no damage control Bye to this lady. I know its hard meeting total cold stranger from the net for most women but leave the questioning like that out for a while and just keep your eyes open and look how they live.
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 1:33 PM |
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fuchia04
Posts: 953
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I know I've mentioned this in another forum, but the initial stages of Internet dating are like an interview. Net dating has it's risks and consequences not found in the offline world. This is why it is necessary to ask so many questions. When meeting anyone online (especially, if you plan on meeting them face to face), it is always prudent to get to know the person you are talking too pretty well. And dating sites, themselves, strongly advise people to do this.
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 2:03 PM |
Trails of online dating
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Oh God
I cant tell how many times in the past that I told personal things about me and then when it came time to meet there was either no mutual attraction or I was not to them or me otherwise. I mean why do you need to know my favorite color if you not attractive to me or them likewise? I done this on and off for 7 years now I believe I been on here since 1999. This last girlfriend was an offline meet the old fashion way I guess.
Here it is my thoughts on what I feel I should be treated by anyone at first.
Lets say I applied for a job and they want to drug test. Well, OK that is common place anymore anywhere and we as a mass have accepted that is a fact of life. But they could ask me the question Mr. Devoe do you do drugs? And my reply is no and that is the truth but the only thing I smoke are Cigars. I feel is I am being treated with contempt because they will not take my word for it. I would be presented with a cup to prove otherwise. Of course its been thru the courts and testing continues But I am a volunteer for this job and I will do so. I learned this from a previous employer that does not drug test and we became friends and I got to know him on his ideas as employer and asked him "Why dont you drug test? and he gave me the reason that it not the way you should start a relationship with anyone.
Is it where do you need to shine the light on anyone at first? Criminal background checks? Have we accepted to be suspect at first? Sad they way things are here in this country
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 2:33 PM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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A one other thing to point out she used the word scared I quote
"Before you get scared of the bright lights shining in your face, I'm gonna go now."
I mean how you would you take that? I will ask the guys on here, Is that OK behavior from women? To try invoke fear in line of questioning? Come on Dove re-read it
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 4:42 PM |
Trails of online dating
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Devoe, I wish I could be an advocate for you and say yes you were right for dismissing her, but I truely cant. As Fuchia said its simply part of on line dating protocol. It is in everyones best interest to ask many questions. I have had men specifically ask me to ask them questions. I think everyone knows when they venture into on-line dating that you may very possibly feel a connection on line or on the phone , only to meet and not feel an attraction. It happens , but I never feel it was a waste of time sharing information about my self.
When you think about it the opposite can happen when you meet someone at a party or bar and have that instant attraction for one another. As you start talking and asking questions you may very well discover this individual is not at all compatible with you at all.
I met a man from Ocala once. There was a physical attraction between us both. As we talked more I found out that he was a bigot, I found out his marriage ended after he was arrested for domestic violence. He said " She had it coming" Well needless to say when he asked for my phone number I told him no.
So I say its best to ask away and discover if this persons belief system differs from your own. I think finding out about your last relationship is not unreasonble to ask. Her comment about you being under the lights seemed to me to just be humorous phrasing.
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 5:07 PM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Well, she just wrote back with an apology. I learned to keep my emails very simple and straight forward as things can be taken wrong but objectively it could be construed that I am boring which I am not I have a very dry sense of humor that can be taken very wrongly if just typed out and that you never met me. I am very intertaining to my friends. I just learn over the years from this is simply just go out and meet. All of us need to play detective in one way or another but there is thing called tact. I like to enjoy my dates and not making it an interview. Good for you Dove I would of ran too He was into the last stages of abusiveness but I am certain you found that out in short order in the flesh. Kind of made my point!  love Tom
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 5:39 PM |
Trails of online dating
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jackf1950
Posts: 688
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this is my opinion, and only mine, and only an opinion..
I TRY to give folks the benefit of doubt, till they prove me wrong..
some folks (my self included) if a significant other is mentioned, will ask, how long ago was that...that is not to say I know just what length of time is correct for them, but, if they say they ended a 2-3 year thing, 1 month ago, I will look at things different, like with more protectiveness of my feelings, the old one might be the type to know she was going out, and that might make him more amicable to commit, or what ever caused the breakup... so, that is one I would ask..
as for a lot of other questions.. well, sometimes you want to see if you get answers to emails at "normal" times, and not just when the other person is at work, or it's 2 am...
there are flags that I look for, and if I see the top of the flag pole, I ask a lil' more..
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 6:30 PM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Yes, I try to do the same Give benefit of doubt. Our founding fathers of this country laid down the value of innocent till proving otherwise. I guess the overall point here today is that a lot of us has come into accepting that we need to prove our innocents first and that I am from the net even more so. So I subject myself to this? Well I am a volunteer and just accept right? Well, I got to wonder how far does this go with her? How long? Never fully trusted? There are three sides to why a relationships ends. Hers, His, and the real story. Some are in denial about what went down. and doom to repeat dysfunction. One reason why I dont ask to much. I never heard from a woman that she told me she cheated on her husband but boy do I know a few that did. You find the truth better in person I can read body language very well So why spring a question like past relationships untill before get to SEE how they react Hello
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 8:51 PM |
Trails of online dating
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Devoe plain and simple.. we are all here in hopes of finding someone to have a relationship with .. finding out about past relationships can tell you a great deal about a person. I think this is a prerequisite before meeting. If someone says they their spouse died I would of course want to know how long ago this happenned. It would be important to know if this person has reached the stage of grief where they are able to move on. As Jack said its important to know how long ago a relationship ended . Someone who has not healed from the past will not likely be ready to get emotionally involved , if they are not ready. If someone is Divorced I would want to know how many times they have been married and what went wrong.
May I ask why do you feel so threatened being questioned about your past relationships??
 I think employers mandating a drug test as a condition for hire is a very good thing by the way. An employer when they hire someone is hiring someone who not only becomes an employee but a representative for the company. If you are a drug user it reflects on the company as well as indicating your ability to do the work. Why should an employer invest in an individual they will have to let go because they took them at their word that they do not do drugs.
My daughter has been hired to work as a substitute teacher. She had to be fingerprinted, have a criminal background check, a physical and drug testing. She will be having a polygraph test next week. This proceedure is mandatory for anyone who is hired by Orange County Florida whether you work with children or not. The process is long before you come on board. However County employees tend to stay for the long haul and its a good thing to know that individuals serving the community are law abiding and drug free.
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 9:18 PM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Its not the questions that set me off its the > comments< she made after them. Reread again. I have no problems in saying what happened in my last marriage when my ex who is a nurse had an affair with a well known Gyno in New Port Richey  or anything about my past at all. So Dove I have to ask why are you writing a long rebuttal to my points of view? Am I hitting a nerve? Do you need to have the last word? I been doing this on and off for 7 years and my women friends agree about meeting soon. Its from their experience as well. People will want to tell you what you want to hear!!! If you dont ask questions they wont be on guard but start to drill them and they will be on guard. Better for them to be themselves you will found out a lot more truth about them if you keep your eyes open
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 10:00 PM |
Trails of online dating
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Another point I think those who are overly concern about a persons past is still grappling with their own issues they have not reconciled yet. Its kind of like being overly suspicious which can stem from a guilty conscience. The old saying comes to mind. I look to see who is hiding under your bed because I been hiding under another. Just my opinion
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 10:33 PM |
Trails of online dating |
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Kenn159
Posts: 4,402
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Ok,Lets say that you rmeet a women at the supermarket ,the old fashion way as you say,you would probably get to know her slow ,and the serious hard questions might come later,frankly most people would be embarest to ask hard personal questions right off in person before a level of comfort has been achieved which usually takes a bit time .
Ok now online dating ,most women or men have like a zillion potential dates ,giving way to the dime a dozen additude ,If I dont like this one ,I''ll just jump to next in line one zillion and 2.
Along with this feeling of abundent potential mates via the computer comes the personal disconnect that comes with computers ,not unlike the way people act behind a wheel of a car ,and would never act that way up close and in person .
Since you potential mate on the other side of the internet connection believes its a numbers game and you are just one out of a zillion ,they maybe quicker and to the point and more willing to move on to the next then they may in person .
And since they are talking through a protective barrior of the computer they maybe more direct ,and get the hard question out of the way in the beginning ,which would be opposite to the old fashion way of meeting.
Just my 2 cents .
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| Mar 2, 2007 @ 10:44 PM |
Trails of online dating
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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I think its great Ken brought up the dehumanizing sphere of net dating like driving in traffic. Notice the emotions that come from people in that. I find it mildly here to as well.
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| Mar 3, 2007 @ 12:24 AM |
Trails of online dating |
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minky
Posts: 262
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I think emails are very easily misunderstood, which may be what has happened
in this case Devoe.
I would just take this as a sign of incompatability and move on.
I personally don't see the harm in talking early on  gives a much more clear
picture of personality.
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| Mar 3, 2007 @ 12:42 AM |
Trails of online dating
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Devoe I am simply fascinated by human behavior and when I read your strong reaction to a rather simple request , I had to probe further. You have become a interesting case study. So no you did not hit a nerve , but a chance to venture into behavior analysis.
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| Mar 3, 2007 @ 3:20 AM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Well Dove we have something in common as I am the same way about human behaviour. I like to watch people. Two of the three women on my friends page are in mental health. One of them I have known for 15 years. I sent her a copy of that email and her simple reply to it was: WHEW!!! No kidding
Well yes most of us are here to find someone and it will happen. Either thru this medium or at Publix. I know it will sooner or later. I just know how I want to be treated thats all.
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| Mar 3, 2007 @ 7:27 AM |
Trails of online dating
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scarletsara
Posts: 239
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You are obviously too thin skinned for this woman Devoe 
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| Mar 3, 2007 @ 8:52 AM |
Trails of online dating |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Wow scarletsara Using Kens example of net dating to driving in traffic You just honked your horn at me. How can you pass judgement like that on me with only the words that I have writen? You dont know me I think forums should be for those expressing their ideas and not to throw mud and call them names.I think if we where all sitting in a room right now having this discussion with those have contribute to this thread, believe me comments left would have been a little different. Most would be a little more polite and not so confrontational. I believe that was Kenns point. I think also that if this lady and I would have met she would have better tact in her questioning. You can ask me any question about me and my past and would truthfully answer personal details about me. I just dont want to do it over the net to someone I mostly likely not ever meet
[Edited on 3/3/2007 9:30 AM]
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