| Mar 13, 2007 @ 3:54 AM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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How often do you find yourself dealing with guilt? Do you wonder whether you said something hurtful? Let someone down? Left a job unfinished or failed at achieving a goal? Do you lay awake at night ruminating over feelings of shame or thoughts of not measuring up?
Its nearly 4 am and I am on a guilt trip. My daughter and I had a disagreement earlier today over financial issues. Whenever I express a concern or opinion on a choice she makes she will take my good intentions and say things like " Why did you bother to have me ? " Why am I such a loser and keep letting you down?" She will continue this tirade of self degregating comments. In the end I feel awful for having brought it up in the first place. I know that in some ways she does this to manipulate me. However I still cant help to feel guilty that I somehow made her feel bad about herself.
How do you deal with the burden of guilt?
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 12:31 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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fuchia04
Posts: 953
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I don't know what to say, Dove. This one's a toughy... 
I don't know all the details, perhaps if we knew a little more, we could better answer the question..
I do know this. You need to ask yourself if you honestly feel that what you are asking of your daughter is reasonable. When you ask yourself this, think about it carefully, and then honestly answer that question. You might find your daughter might be right, in some areas...and then you can give a little, or work out some compromise ...or you might find she isn't right at all, and is being totally unreasonable. If you can honestly say that your view point (and/or your request of her) regarding the issue at hand is reasonable (and not some hideous burden, for example), then you have every right to dismiss any guilt being laid on your shoulders. When helping another person, please keep in mind, that all you can do is your best.
Try to get your daughter to explain exactly why she thinks you are wrong in your view point, instead of (I hate to say this) allowing her to openly feeling sorry for herself towards you. It sounds like that's what she's doing and if you keep letting her get away with that, then whenever you have a disagreement with her, she'll probably just keep doing it again. Again, I really hate to say this, but there are times when you need to show tough love.
Life can really suck like that sometimes. I wish we could just eliminate that miserable aspect of life, but unfortunately we cannot. Well, okay, I've got some issues with relatives that I'm dealing with, myself, so I guess in this paragraph, I was doing a little venting here. 
Anyway, this is the best advice I can offer at the moment. I hope it helps in some way. I apologize if I am out of the ball park on this, but, again, other than the fact that it is of a financial nature, I don't fully know the details of the dispute you are having with your daughter. I know financial troubles can make things nasty, but it is my hope that things, between you and your daughter, get resolved happily.
- the Fuchian 
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 1:53 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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jackf1950
Posts: 688
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Dove, gotta ask
how old is daughter
did she ask for advice
is HER choice going to affect you
think, HOW was your tone when you gave this advice
do she normally follow advice you give her
that said....when I have had a problem in my life, I try to think of my part in it, and, if I am in anyway responsible for it, I quickly apologize for MY part...
that is step 10 in 12 step programs"and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it"
and I try to add on, that when You are wrong, I DONT have to admit it to you...
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 3:41 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Jack my daughter is twenty one,has her own place and lives with a room-mate and is struggling. She is a college student, has been out of work for a couple of months , but has been hired as a substitute teacher, she has not started yet, hopefully will very soon. My mom has been helping pay her bills, and so have I. Our dispute yesterday was over getting her cell phone replaced for the fifth time. Her first one fell out of her pocket, while bike riding, her second was washed in the washing machine, her third simply had technical problems,She lost her Fourth One either on a city bus or at the bus stop. My mom had offered to get her another one with the condition that she pay half back to her when she starts getting paid.
I took her out shopping yesterday for the new phone. Instead of buying a basic phone, she was insisting on a very expensive one with tons of features. MP3 player, camera etc. I simply commented that I think she was taking advantage of her Grandmother and should get a less expensive phone out of consideration to her. My mom is a wonderful lady but rarely ever turns down my daughter. I simply did not think it was right. My mom does so much for her already. Just an hour before she got her phone my mom and I paid for driving lessons for her( she has been a late bloomer in her desire to learn) It was a belated birthday present , that was delayed when medical expenses kept me from paying my half.
My daughter can be the kindest soul at time but she can also be very greedy. When she goes off on how inadaquate she is it tugs at my heart strings. She can get pretty depressed at times( I guess the apple does not fall very far from the tree)
I try to keep in mind that people her age think its a big deal having a trendy cell phone. Thats all well and good if you are paying for it yourself. She was all sulky this morning when I picked her to drive her to college. I will be happy when she gets her license. Of course then she will need a car.
Fuchia , of course there are many times when I am wrong, and being unreasonable. I make lots of mistakes, but truely will admit when I am. Even though she is all grown she is still pretty dependent on others. I try really hard to not compare her to myself, but I was much more independent at her age. I think part of her really does not want to grow up.
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 4:33 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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jackf1950
Posts: 688
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Dove, I know times change, but, I stopped getting things from my folks at 18...
if I wanted it, I worked, and found a way to pay for it...
as this don't seem to be the case with you all, and not gonna change..
then you will probably keep getting this from her when she dont get what she wants... kids, and the rest of our family's know what buttons to push, cause they helped install them...so,
good luck.....
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 6:41 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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fuchia04
Posts: 953
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Dove, it sounds like you were well within your rights to question your daughter's choice of phone, considering it was a rather pricey phone, that others were paying for. IMHO, it would seem to be a very reasonable request for a mother to make of a daughter, that she not try to take advantage of her grandmother by getting a needlessly expensive phone. 
Her first one fell out of her pocket, while bike riding, her second was washed in the washing machine
And this is exactly why I NEVER keep my cellphone in my pocket 
[Edited on 3/13/2007 6:58 PM]
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 7:26 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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Jack It was the same for me. If I wanted something I had to save for it , and if I couldent , I just did not get it. I have always had a strong work ethic and worked two jobs when I wanted to do something or get something that was out of my budget. Thank goodness for Ebay when money gets tight. The point is I think I have been a good role model for her and tried to set a good example.
She did get her first job at age 16 and actually kept that one for a year. Since then she has been inconsistent about keeping a job.( she blames her lack of transportation) I didnt fuss to much about it as long as she was going to School and pursuing a higher education. She took off a semester which became a year from school so she could work full time and save to get her own place. She returned to school in January, and doing really well. My daughter unfortunately has cavier taste on a hamburger budget. She has made some strides though. She will now actually buy second hand clothing. There was a time that she was appalled at that notion.
Fuchia I think she should have her cell phone surgically attached to her body for safe keeping. Of course this will make showering and swimming difficult.
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 9:03 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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But maybe you need a map to get back....
My daughter's been trying to send me on a guilt trip for most of her twenty years. I think she's finally learned that I refuse to go. Mine's prone to depression and self-denigration as well. I also refuse to agree with her about that. And she still loves me.
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 10:00 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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fuchia04
Posts: 953
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Quote:
My daughter unfortunately has cavier taste on a hamburger budget.
I must say, when a child is living with their parents (especially as an adult), it is very important for that child to try to do whatever he or she can to minimize the expenses they are incurring upon their parents. Dove, that's a good sign if your daughter is willing to wear clothes from the thrift shop. In time, I'm sure she will learn how important it is to save money when it is necessary. Us, we were spending about $150 every two weeks on groceries, but then money got tight, so we've managed to cut down our grocery spending to between $40 and $50 for a two week period. And this is for two people! Believe me, it can be done, and we are both eating quite comfortably. 
Jack It was the same for me. If I wanted something I had to save for it
Well, I am obviously not as old as either of you, but that's pretty much they way it has always worked for me, since high school. If I want to go take some nice trip somewhere, or if I want that nice new digital camera, etc. I've had to work for it myself. And I was always happy to work my butt off for it... because when I finally am able to get something nice for myself, it is always a good feeling to know that I did it myself and didn't have to rely on anyone else for it. 
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| Mar 13, 2007 @ 11:16 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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devoe810
Posts: 96
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Guilt manipulation was well employed in my family as we where Catholic. We are pros at it!!! I was taught to take on way to much guilt early in life Jack mentioned about a 12 step program and guess where I learn how to remove the guilt button? Been in recovery 26 years last Feb 6 I not going to give advice on what you should do with your daughter Dove I use to use The "I was not asked to be born" line too at 14 or so and worked for a while. Then my Mom joined Alanon and she put a stopped to that crap.
I also left the house at 18 and was told I was on my own and been grateful for that because I got to earn my independence and had to grow up quick. I mean if today I needed from my parents they would help me but my Mom she like to put strings on her "help". Its her way of controlling and inherent trait of most Moms.
Guilt is a necessary emotion in living and what makes us human but it does not have to make us endure on going suffering My .02
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| Mar 14, 2007 @ 11:15 AM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there.
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Kenn159
Posts: 4,402
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Im sorry but you dont lose or destroy five phones without being somewhat careless,I think if she would have purchased those phones with her own hard earned money,she would have valued them more ,and likely still have them in her possession ,atleast some of them .
I am a fairly self reflective person and I am often the first person that I look at after the fact when in a confrontation to self analyze and question.
Because in the end you can't change someone else ,only yourself ,and If I beleive I was wrong ,I want to apologize and see the error of my ways .
From your many post ,this sounds like the same type of person you are as well and you seem very conscientious in your actions to others
I dont really see how you were wrong in this situation .
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| Mar 14, 2007 @ 6:46 PM |
Guilt trip... you do not need a map to get there. |
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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You make an excellent point Ken.. when my daughter was still at home she really did not care how messy things got, nor did she take any care with things that I valued. When she got her own apartment I marveled how well she takes care of it. Everything is always clean and immaculate. When I told her that her apartment looked wonderful and asked why she could not do the same at home she said " Thats because its mine and I want it to look nice" Even though my car is essentially a junkyard on wheels, she does not think twice about putting her feet on the dashboard or making the headliner worse then it is already. I asked her if she was going to treat her own car like that one day. Once again she said she would take care of her own car and mines a mess already. So its very true that when you work hard to earn the posessions you have without a doubt value them more and tend to look after them better.
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