| Aug 17, 2006 @ 9:48 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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Guy emails me the other day, from another site.
Very handsome guy who is retired Air Force, working as a civilian on an AFB.
We chat on IM briefly, he gives me his phone number so I call him.
We talked for four hours! Obviously we had lots to discuss.
He was funny, very intelligent, very much up on current events, etc., etc. and we saw eye to eye on most everything...the conversation flowed very easily.
So, next day, last night, in fact, we chat briefly again on IM and, right in the middle of the conversation, he "begs off," saying he's got to go eat dinner.
Now, there was nothing about the conversation that I can think of that would have made him mad; it was just small talk. And we both were talking about how much we enjoyed our long conversation of the other evening.
So, I figure...okay...he's tired, whatever...and just leave it at that.
Tonight, I see he's online, so I message him, but I notice his pic is not on his profile anymore...
So I sent him an email asking why he took his pic off, thinking maybe he did it to replace it with another one. Well, before I could get the email sent, he had deleted his profile...
Hmmm
Oh, didn't mention that he had said he was going to be in Memphis in a couple months and also that my oldest sister happens to live about 25 miles from where he lives..so that would have turned out FABulous, as far as me traveling to meet him, because I haven't seen my sis in YEARS...and she's about 1800 miles away...
So, okay...me, being the ever-curious person, call him up and, as I figured would happen, he doesn't answer the phone. So I left a message politely asking "what happened," basically.
I doubt I'll hear anything back....
But it's enough to drive you nuts...WHY do men do this? And if one person comes on here and starts blubbering about "But women do it, toooooooooooooo," I think I'm gonna have apoplexy on the mat.
I KNOW women do it, too. I'm not asking why women do it. I don't CARE why women do it. I want to know why MEN do it...
And that's actually somewhat of a rhetorical question; the various scenarios for "why," I believe, have already occurred to me. I guess I'm not looking for stuff like, "Cuz he's really married," "Cuz he found someone else" (so what if he did? He's not polite enough to let me know that?) or any of the myriad of possible reasons it could be, I guess more what baffles me is the motivation behind it.
It makes no sense whatsoever.
He of course has no obligation to me, but, dayummmm! If the tables were turned, I'd certainly at least write him and let him know what was up. Why do people DO those kinds of things?? Common courtesy comes so naturally to me that it would never once cross my mind to be so rude and insensitive.
Maybe he eventually will let me know...but I kinda doubt it.
Oh, well. Strange, indeed.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 9:55 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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Jankia
Posts: 11,912
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Common courtesy sure has turned into something of the past Jean.He's gamer and unfortunatly those four hours will all be on your phonebill.
Lifes a bitch...then ya die.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:02 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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Nuh uhhhhh..I have Vonage, which not only cut my regular phone charges in half, but includes free long distance. What, you think I'm stupid? LOL..no way in hell I'd pay for a four-hour phone call..don't care how hot he is ...hehehe
As far as being a gamer, perhaps, but what was his motivation? It's not like he's gonna get laid from 1800 miles away...
And, not one word was mentioned about sex or anything even remotely like that. Actually, most of the discussion was with regard to the Illuminiti, which proved to be a very fascinating discussion.
Ah, well, who knows? I've talked to so many fascinating men (or seemingly so) from out of state, but it always turns out to be something like this, so I guess I'm gonna have to settle for the "gamers" here...or stay single. Sigh.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:03 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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oops..Illuminati..
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:10 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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FeliciVagano
Posts: 2,152
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everything is going well then out of the blue he excuses himself and says he has to go eat dinner.. some button was pushed here.. it is unknown..
.
but I notice his pic is not on his profile anymore he pulled his pic first then ( as fast as you type) canceled his profile.. all at the same time. his intent was to remove the picture from the server and then cancel the account ( accounts are not removed from the server for some time)
your question is WHY do men do this? some (people) get scared when it gets to be too real too fast in this case I don't think you will ever know.. IMHO.. he was not married.... was not exaggerating on his profile.. he did not find someone else... was not a player... thinking he just shut down the game.. he might call you later and explain, But can you believe him enough to pickup where you left off?
another thought.. someone he knows recognized him and he was embarrassed ..??
edited...so I guess I'm gonna have to settle for the "gamers" here.  
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:18 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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everything is going well then out of the blue he excuses himself and says he has to go eat dinner.. some button was pushed here.. it is unknown..
Very perceptive on your part...I'm not sure what...there was some innocent flirting going on and I said something that I think he took offense to; I think he got the wrong impression about me from what I said...I don't know, but that's the only thing I can think of. Although, i was just responding "on cue" to his comments...but maybe he thought it was okay for him to say certain things, but not okay for me to...
*****
but I notice his pic is not on his profile anymore he pulled his pic first then ( as fast as you type) canceled his profile.. all at the same time. his intent was to remove the picture from the server and then cancel the account ( accounts are not removed from the server for some time)
Yes this is true.
*****
WHY do men do this?
some (people) get scared when it gets to be too real too fast in this case I don't think you will ever know..
Well, geez. We had just had one conversation..I was happily entertaining the idea of meeting him, and he did seem quite taken with me. So maybe you're right. But damn. That's not gonna get ya anywhere..
*********
IMHO.. he was not married.... was not exaggerating on his profile.. he did not find someone else... was not a player... thinking he just shut down the game..
Yeah, I don't get that impression, either.
he might call you later and explain, But can you believe him enough to pickup where you left off?
Nope. I'm skeptical enough as it is..he'd have to do a lot of 'splainin, Lucy...
Another thought.. someone he knows recognized him and he was embarrassed ..??
Maybe..but why's that keep him from emailing me on my regular mail, calling me on the phone, or answering the phone when i call him?
Mayhaps ex GF came back last night...he said they'd been split up for ..hmm, I think he said a year..maybe sooner...but ...idunno.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:25 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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sciurusniger
Posts: 2,958
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Try doing that several times a week for a couple or three months, Jean, and then when real plans begin to be set to meet...nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Phone calls aren't returned, emails aren't answered.
Or spend months in delightful, though not too-frequent conversation, decide you need to meet in person, they tell you they'll be there on such-and-such a weekend and...no show. The day after their missed arrival you receive an IM while you are out asking only if you've guessed what has happened. Then...nothing more.
In both cases I remain clueless to this day. Except to know neither I nor our friendship are obviously as important to them as they had claimed.
So...life goes on.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:34 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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FeliciVagano
Posts: 2,152
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Mayhaps ex GF came back last night...he said they'd been split up for ..hmm, I think he said a year..maybe sooner...but ...idunno. my opinion ( as a hopeless romantic) is that his girlfriend did not come back.
...but that he does not want to start a new relationship (for real) with you - because he knows that if he did, he would never be able to get back together with her ( a one woman at a time guy) ...in other words, to continue with you he would have to end all hope (in his mind) of getting back with her.
And as he was not ready to cross that bridge so soon.. (he was ok with the abstract but everything went faster that his brain could handle..). so he shut down..
.
that is why experienced dating site "gamers" shy away from people who are separated..
btw ...I am signing off now to go eat dinner (for real.. it is 7:30 my time....) 
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 10:58 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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parTgirl
Posts: 195
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I'm dealing with the same thing with a guy I met offline.
I invited him to shoot pool with me and my friends, we joked around, had a good, getting to know you, time.
I found out he knows one of my brothers; we go out the next weekend, to a really cool place, drive around a few hours, have a drink or two and end the date on a nice note. The next Friday night (last weekend) we get together for a few hours; he has to work Saturday and part of Sunday so that's cool with me, we compromised Friday night and I said, how about we ditch my normal Friday night pool/bar with my friends and we go out on Saturday night instead for the same thing, listen to a really good band, he said, that sounds even better...
OK, we went out to dinner that Friday night, drove around a little bit, he drops me off at 11 or so; he heads home. Saturday I stopped him to see him at work, invited him to a family gathering of mine coming up end of this month..that was okay, sounded good, he could see my brother too..nothing wrong with that. Somewhere along the rest of the day, we didn't talk anymore and he calls me at 8 that night, said he was too tired to go out, ok, yea I'm a tad disappointed cause I wanted to see him and have him hear this good band; so I let it go, I said maybe we can get together on Sunday before I head back to STL. Yea, we'll see how it goes; as it turned out I didn't see him on Sunday either, oh yea, when he called to tell me that he couldn't/didn't want to go out the night before he asked me to have my friend call him to get him geared up for working out. I let it slide. So I gave my gal pal his home number but she's out of town until Saturday, she said she'd call him; I think he's interested in her. I've actually never been in this situation where the guy 'acted like he was interested in me to get to one of my friends', I don't really know how to feel. I wonder what happened or what I did wrong to turn him away from me..or maybe i"m just freaking out over nothing...something could have gone wrong with his phone lines, cell phone etc..something could be wrong with someone in his family, he could be really busy at work...hmm, Friday a week ago, he couldn't wait to see me and told me he really liked me, so WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!!!!  
Makes a woman not wanna care anymore if they act that way..If he isn't interested anymore, he could say what turned him off when we were together, or even tell me point blank, I don't think it's going to work out..but silence...I hate the silent treatment!
ok, i'm done with my rant now.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:06 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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Update:
He sends an email claiming he had a last minute business trip, that I said nothing wrong and then adds. "Good luck to you."
I think either he was playing a game or he was setting me up with a test he was determined to make me fail.
Can't think of anything else it might be.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:17 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,370
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Here's a tip... don't ever let men think they have the upper hand in the relationship.
Here's another tip... men need space. Let them have it. A 4 hour phone call is enough to last the average man several weeks.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:34 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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Here's a tip... don't ever let men think they have the upper hand in the relationship. Pete, could you elaborate on that some? How did Jean let him think he had the upper hand? (Didn't seem to me that she did...I must've missed something here.)
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:47 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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waiting41
Posts: 1,926
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Pete, here's a tip: Worrying about the upper hand is rather high-schoolish.
Here's another one: That last post you made in religion & spirituality...it took me four hours to read...that's enough suffering for any human being and I was thinking you should be roasted like those animals they were discussing so we could have you for a nighttime snack around this place.
Hi Pete  
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:53 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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duwant1
Posts: 575
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4 hours, someone didn’t follow “The Rules!” I’d be dropping that Samsonite off at The Salvation Army.
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:54 PM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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Ron9
Posts: 386
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Since we are not suppose to talk about girlz - so I won’t .............
Well $@*lz do it too.
I’ve totally given up on one gal about three times now. THEN I get an email - more or less telling me not to give up. So .......
I send her an email - trying to see if I can move things a bit off center from FRIENDS to potential gf ............ she stops talking AGAIN.
I am telling ya - us singles are NUTZ
The only thing I can think of is - we must be having too much fun being single.
If THIS CHIT is fun - I never want to see no-fun.
jeanc200358 maybe the guy has more fun during the “chase” and wants no part of the catch. I am not talking about YOU - I am talking about pretty much every female I have tried to move off of the “friends” crap. They ALWAYS fizzle at that point.
It is either the fear of change - or the fun of the chase.
If this was another big site - I would say “bait the line - hook the fish - reel them in - take them off the hook - toss them back - repeat”.
Heck for all I know I would do the same thing if I ever actually “caught” a fish I thought I might like to keep.
And to one of the posts above - I would talk all night to a gal I was interested in.
[Edited on 8/17/2006 11:55 PM]
[Edited on 8/18/2006 12:02 AM]
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| Aug 17, 2006 @ 11:55 PM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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UnconventionalCreativity
Posts: 664
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This guy, on the outside, seems great. However, people change once you've made that first advance at communication. Personally, I think he was frightened out of his wits about the possibility of a serious relationship. Does he still know your contact information? All I can recommend is for you to give him his space right now and see if he comes to you. In the process, don't restrict yourself from dating, but if he comes to his senses and contacts you again and you're still single/looking/interested, I would then ask him what happened. Continuously contacting him (not saying you are) is only going to push him away. Besides, I'm sure you're worth better, especially if this guy isn't willing to continue with the communication you had between you two the night you spoke to him on the phone.
Sorry if that's not much help.
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| Aug 18, 2006 @ 12:10 AM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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Here's a tip... don't ever let men think they have the upper hand in the relationship.
Me? Ha! Not likely...but...there wasn't any RELATIONSHIP. We had only been talking for three days. First day was the initial email. Second day was the phone call. Third day he IMs me and we chat for a few minutes.
****
Here's another tip... men need space. Let them have it. A 4 hour phone call is enough to last the average man several weeks.
Women need space too. Let them have it.
I didn't force him to participate in a four-hour phone call; in fact, it was HE who was doing most of the talking.
But I'm not interested in someone who cannot think of anything to talk about for "several weeks" after having a phone conversation. What b.s.
If you're interested in someone, you don't play little games with them. The scenario you describe sounds like rules for teenaged dating. We're all adults here; let's not go on the stereotypical premise that women are supposed to sit back and shut up and don't speak unless spoken to or don't call him; let him call you or any of that.
There wasn't even enough time for him to get the impression that I was being too forward, anyway...he obviously was either full of shit to begin with or he fabricated a perception of me that is completely unwarranted.
Men often do that and, I might add, I think they do it because they're scared to death of relationships. They don't want to be alone, yet they're too scared to take that chance.
Me, I've been disappointed, hurt, etc., more times than I can count...but I keep on going. I'm very resilient, if nothing else.
He's not the only pebble on the beach, there's a Little Rock in Arkansas.
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| Aug 18, 2006 @ 12:13 AM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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jeanc200358
Posts: 934
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4 hours, someone didn’t follow “The Rules!” I’d be dropping that Samsonite off at The Salvation Army.
LOL...whatever that means...
He was the one doing almost all of the talking, and he was a fascinating conversationalist, to boot. Didn't even realize so much time had gone by. We weren't just "shooting the bull," we talked about a lot of intelligent and "heavy" stuff...
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| Aug 18, 2006 @ 12:15 AM |
A perplexing conundrum...
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UnconventionalCreativity
Posts: 664
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The scenario you describe sounds like rules for teenaged dating. We're all adults here; let's not go on the stereotypical premise that women are supposed to sit back and shut up and don't speak unless spoken to or don't call him; let him call you or any of that.
There wasn't even enough time for him to get the impression that I was being too forward, anyway...he obviously was either full of shit to begin with or he fabricated a perception of me that is completely unwarranted.
No, no. I didn't mean to imply that you should just shut up, sit back, and wait for him. It's up to you as to what you do, but if the guy already gave up on any further communication, he isn't worth your time or effort.
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| Aug 18, 2006 @ 12:17 AM |
A perplexing conundrum... |
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journeyfan0000
Posts: 814
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Edited because i am in a pissy mood and should not be posting 
[Edited on 8/18/2006 12:34 AM]
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