| Sep 4, 2006 @ 3:42 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
At what point in a relationship do you tell someone about difficult issues in your past? Or should you just keep it a secret and hope they don't find out? I have a HUGE skeleton in my closet, but it is very likely that someone would find out about it. In that case it would be better if I brought it up first. Is that sound reasoning?
|
|
  |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:21 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
jamminjerry
Posts: 4,085
|
i guess you decision would depend on a lot of factors. is it really just a skeleton or is it baggage that can be brought back to life? the only person concerned with skeletons would be the holy roller judgemental moralistic type. especially the person who is bound by the commandments of men.
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:27 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
In that case it would be better if I brought it up first.
Judging by what you wrote in the other thread I think you shouldn't just bring it up, you should have a neon sign.
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:34 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
Yes Mary. That is the skeleton. It is not my behavior that will give it away - that is what you are thinking, right? I have told a couple of people who I have met and they find it hard to believe the shrinks. It is because a lot of people know about it and people will talk. The case was publicized back when it happened, but it was 9 years ago.
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:37 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
Solitaire
Posts: 1,359
|
I think that you have to bring it out sometime. The emotional energy of keeping it hidden, even though you can put it away for yourself, takes a toll in a relationship. Are you afraid that if they know they will not love you any more? That they will leave you, abandon you? If they are the sort of person that would do that, delaying isn't going to change who they are. Would you wait until you have a house or financial enmeshement before telling them? Would you wait until you have children together, so he would have to stay?
Would you want someone to stay with you, but resent you, and feel trapped?
People are either going to surprise you, or meet you're worst expectations...or do something totally different than you imagined. It'd too hard to predict, unless your crystle ball gets clearer channels than mine does. Keeping secrets, though, that's just a time bomb waiting for the fuse to ignite.
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:38 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
|
Aries,
If it was something that made headlines....then you have to be upfront about it and let a person know..........absense of telling is still dishonest and lying and nothing of trust can be built on lies.... IMO
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:44 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
Yes, I agree that I will have to tell. That is what I though. I am not so sure about when the best time to do this is though. Mary's neon sign idea would probably drive most people off before they even got a chance to know me, so that's out.
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 4:45 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
I have told a couple of people who I have met and they find it hard to believe the shrinks. It is because a lot of people know about it and people will talk. The case was publicized back when it happened, but it was 9 years ago.
Then tell us what it was and let us decide who to believe. You or 10 shrinks.
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 5:23 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
FeliciVagano
Posts: 2,152
|
maybe he only tells "shrinks" what they want to hear?
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 4, 2006 @ 5:25 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
OK Mary, it is a long story. I will try to condense. There is a high school teacher from the school I went to and we lived close to each other, so we used to talk a lot. At one point I mentioned a former teacher who I had heard used to get involved with students. He told me that he didn't think there was anything wrong with teachers helping students get in touch with their sexuality. I got really MAD. I talked to an administrator at the school about it and he said that he would look into it. Later he told me there was nothing to the allegation and the teacher denied saying it to me. Then without warning I had a couple of people from a mental health center drop by my place and I just sent them away. I had no idea what that was all about and did not find out till much later that the administrator had called them and said I was delusional.
But just having them drop by got me upset and shortly after that I saw the creep teacher. I warned him to stay away from me, but he did not pay attention. I punched him to let him know I was serious. BIG MISTAKE. I got arrested and charged with simple assault, but I thought it was no big deal. People get suspended sentances for that. Problem was that I had a mental health record and didn't know it. They sent me away for 90 days. Locked up for an evaluation. What compounded the deal was that I really was having anxiety problems that were keeping me from working and the shrinks jumped on that plus the "delusions" and said schizo.
I had this terrible public defender. You have heard the stories about how bad they are I am sure. So after my 90 days I ended up getting 5 more months of treatment. Court cases drag on and on and on, so I spent more time than that fighting it. There are other cases of people being sent to psych hospitals. A guy in NY spent 10 YEARS locked up for being ruled incompetant on a misdemeanor charge. One guy here had a publicized case and the shrinks finally said he was not mentally ill, but he was very sick physically and he died before being released. There was a young woman who was commited for 6 months until a shrink finally said that she was not mentally ill - they had her down for oppositional defiance disorder. WTF??
They hospital has been decertified recently and the justice department did an investigation citing civil rights violations including inappropriate diagnoses. I talked to another shrink and he said it would not be worth it to bring all this stuff up again. I really don't want to.
|
| |
|
| Sep 5, 2006 @ 11:28 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
|
From what I have read here, here are my suggestions:
Ok, firstly you need to get re-evaluated by a "shrink" to prove that you are not schizophrenic. Then you've got that one in the bag, because many or most women will not get involved with a certified schizophrenic for obvious, and understandable reasons, especially if that person had been certified due to a violent incident, as you were.
At this point you are "normal" again, so you do not need to tell anyone initially about the schizo stuff.
Regarding the incident itself: you have nothing to be ashamed of, perhaps mild stupidity for punching the guy, but this was fully understandable, and I would probably have done worse if it ha been me. Common (or mild) assault is nothing major, and if you tell a woman about the situation I am sure she will accept your explanation and undcerstand your reasons. IN fact, it is highl;y commendable that you reported that pervert teacher, so in fact it might get you some extra kudos.
Get uncertified first, then you can feel able to bring it up whenever or however you want. I don't think it is as major a deal as you think it is, and doesn't need to be brought up too soon unless you want to
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 6, 2006 @ 9:03 AM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
zulamaze
Posts: 1,266
|
At what point in a relationship do you tell someone about difficult issues in your past?
When you both have decided that you want a lifetime with one another.
I have a HUGE skeleton in my closet No matter how HUGE, if he really loves you -- he will see it as the past
and get over it. It should not even matter.
We all do crazy/dumb shit when we are younger.
No telling what is in his closet.
|
| |
|
| Sep 6, 2006 @ 3:07 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
TNShadyLady
Posts: 14
|
Interesting thread, and one that relates not just to mental problems but also physical ones. So.....
At what point do you confess to any (shall we say) abnormal physical deformities or imperfections? For example, many people have webbed feet or too many toes, or whatever. (no, not me, this is just an example  )
I know that these kinds of things really aren't important in the long run, it's how you feel about a person. BUT.... should they be mentioned now or later or never?? Some women have stretch marks that never faded or scars from a C-section, whatever, that won't be noticed until she becomes intimate with someone.
Do you think it makes things easier if you compare scars? 
Ooops, sorry, now I see there is already a "Best Time to Mention Disabilities" thread....
[Edited on 9/6/2006 3:24 PM]
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 7, 2006 @ 10:31 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
Thanks bull. I though about going to another shrink and I actually did talk briefly to one. He advised me not to bring that stuff up again and it WOULD be very hard, kind of like when you vomit into your mouth. The big problem is that some of the thinks that the early shrinks wrote in the chart sound so goofy and there is nothing I can do about it. Like when one of then said that I said my former teachers were plotting against me to keep me from getting a job. I NEVER said that, but it is written in stone in the medical record. I later learned that exaggerating symptoms is something that happens in a lot of bad psych hospitals to make the doctors look better in court and to make sure the person is forced into the mental health system. There was a story about that kind of thing on Dateline or another news show several years ago.
I actually was able to get the schizo stuff taken off because I have some knowledge of psychology. I gave them AvPD to label me with which is only an axis II disorder and cannot be considered a major mental illness that would keep someone locked up. They came up with delusional disorder as an axis I diagnosis though instead of schizo. They have this huge book called DSM IV and it had thousands of things - they can label anyone mentally ill if they want.
I think I will have to check and see if it turns up on a background check. Then a person could find out about it before I had a chance to talk to them and that would not be good.
I do have many friends who know about the debacle though and they know that I don't act like a nut. I also have a copy of the US Attorney's report citing civil rights violations. I hope this is enough to covince anyone that I am alright, but as you can see by Mary's attitude there will always be people who will assume the worst. Thank goodness I don't have stretch marks too!
|
| |
|
| Sep 7, 2006 @ 10:52 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
I hope this is enough to covince anyone that I am alright, but as you can see by Mary's attitude there will always be people who will assume the worst. Thank goodness I don't have stretch marks too!
I'm sorry that I don't buy your story, but... I just don't. If I had nothing better to do, I'd analyze what you've been writing word for word and show you everything that makes no sense at all. That, of course, would be a huge waste of time because if I'm right, it would be like talking to a wall.
But since YOU know the truth, then it doesn't matter what people like me think, no?
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 7, 2006 @ 11:24 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
Jankia
Posts: 11,892
|
An apparent skeleton in your closet is best explained before its taken apparantly wrong by another person that your serious about.
Unapparent skeletons are only history that wont get better if they are told.
|
| |
|
| Sep 8, 2006 @ 3:28 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
Aries361
Posts: 273
|
I think this is one of those things that people will give me a pass on if they know me pretty well first. But if they find out before getting to know me I am screwed. It has not been a real problem with some casual friends that I have, but with a more intamate relationship it might be.
I didn't figure anything would convince you Mary. I don't mind. Just be careful if you ever come to VT - there is a blubbering wacko running around!! BLA BLA BLA. He doesn't have any stretch marks though.HA. How about you?
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 8, 2006 @ 5:16 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
lacyvsq
Posts: 6,161
|
I think you should reframe this. Take the skeleton out of the closet and give it a decent burial. In other words, lay it to rest. Everything you have been through makes you the person you are today, so you have some history. We all do. There are things in my history about which I do not like to think. So I keep myself busy with those things which I like. (For the most part.)
OK -- you made a couple of poor choices in the past. You can't go back and undo them. It took a lawsuit to straighten things out -- as much as possible. Not everybody's mistakes take a lawsuit -- some do. It's over. Concentrate on enjoying the present and planning for the future. Bringing up your past? Only if/when it works into a conversation and then only how you want to present it. For me, I can't remember the last time I told that story about when I ... It hardly seems like me anymore that did that because so many more experiences have made me a different person.
I would expect that nine years of living would have changed you in many ways as well. Let people get to know the person you are today and want to be tomorrow and if they discover who you might have been in the past, who you are today will testify that your past is no longer haunting you.
Skeletons are for anatomy classes and halloween and halloween is best left a children's holiday.
|
| |
|
| Sep 8, 2006 @ 6:51 PM |
skeletons in the closet.
|
|
sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
|
Lacy, very well stated....I do believe we all have times in our lives, due to circumstances at the time, that our behavior could be construed as being NUTS... its from those times....we learn what we can tolerate and what we can't and how to avoid the situations that brought those feelings out in us....You did a wonderful job of expressing those things......what is in the past is in the past...and helped to shape the person we are today.... 
Its who we are today...who speaks for us....
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 8, 2006 @ 7:18 PM |
skeletons in the closet. |
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
I didn't figure anything would convince you Mary. I don't mind. Just be careful if you ever come to VT - there is a blubbering wacko running around!! BLA BLA BLA. He doesn't have any stretch marks though.HA. How about you?
None, thank you. Why do you ask?
I'll say it one more time: if you post something on a public board, you'll surely get opinions that you don't like as well. Comes with the territory. If you don't want them just throw in a little disclaimer that you want everybody to agree with you and believe you.
And me... Can't help it but speak my mind. And I still don't buy your story.
|
| |
|
|
|
|