| Sep 16, 2006 @ 3:24 AM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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dark_moon
Posts: 158
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Ok I've done it. Dismissed guys to the friend zone. Reasons? No attraction (which in my case doesn't mean he should look like Brad Pitt cause I'm not attracted to Brad Pitt either lol), not my type (too neady/submisive personality), obvious incompatibility (like he wants more kids or has a house full of dogs, or just toooo much sense of humor), all that kind of stuff.
But over time reading so many threads on the topic, nearly all by men who can't figure out how to not get stuck in the friend zone or how to get out of it once they are there, I have been wondering if anyone else can relate to the following scenario. Has anything at all like this ever happened to you? (male or female)
(This is not current, but something that happened a few years ago. And due to unusual circumstances he is no longer in my life at all.)
I met this guy in a bar (ya ya I know). He came over and asked me to dance. Just one dance (was nice) and that was it, and then him and his friend were leaving and he came over and asked if I might want to call him sometime and get together, I said sure maybe, and he gave me his number.
I didn't call him until something like 3 weeks later. I had thrown the number in a kitchen drawer and kind of forgoten. Anyway, we went out a time or two. The first time he acted real paranoid. Kept asking me if I was sure I didn't have a husband or some man who would be looking for me. He wasn't a very attractive guy, but great to talk to. Seemed nervous allot. Not much potential for a boyfriend, but for a friend ya. He was headed for the friend pile.
So one night we were sitting in a cafe having nachos or something and talking about relationships and why people do things they do. And it came around to me admiting to him that I was still hung up on a guy who I had so far broken up with twice.
Of course part of my reason for admiting this was to begin easing him into the friend pile. Funny thing though, he told me later that evening that with that being the situation he wouldn't get "physically involved with me" because he could't get "physicaly involved without getting emotionaly involved". So it turned out that I more or less got stuck in the friend zone, lol. I say more or less because we did continue to sort of date after that....in that in my book if there is a good night kiss then it was a date.
It did taper into "just" friends. But drop in at work any time and say hi, call at 2am, do laundry together, close friends.
Here comes the twist (finally right? lol)
After getting to know each other really well...I mean there was nothing we couldn't talk about...and we were totally comfortable with each other...THEN I started to see him differently. It was like he was getting better looking every day. It was also partly the product of him coming out of his shell and not being shy around me. There started being this sexual attraction and tension.
About a year after we had met we had sex. Ok but then it seemed kinda weird. And by then we knew each other well enough to know that we couldn't live together. (There are things that you can overlook in a friend that would drive you apart as a couple.) So we mutualy decided that it was better to go back to being "just" friends and leave it at that. And we were best friends for years. But there was always a mutual attraction. I know had it not been for those certain things, we would have ended up a couple after being friends for a year.
Some things that have happened to me in the past few years...I have trouble trusting. So I think for me to ever get in a serious relationship again, it would have to start out as "just" friends.
Ok, so am I the lone ranger here or what? Have you ever found yourself becoming attracted to someone you had at first said "no way/friend pile"? Or ever been on the other end of same?
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| Sep 16, 2006 @ 1:08 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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duwant1
Posts: 575
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My mother refused to go on her first date with my father, unless he agreed to a double date. She couldn’t stand him at first, but they’ve been married now for over fifty years. 
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| Sep 16, 2006 @ 1:23 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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My advice to guys who get stuck in the "friend zone" is to continue being who they are and be greatfull for the friends they make. All things work out in the end.
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| Sep 16, 2006 @ 5:35 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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I've had a couple of friends that turned into  "friends" but we found we were better at just being friends, without the relationship factor muddying the friendship. Not EVERY partner/friend/ "friend" is destined to be "the one" in the end. I still have a "friend" who's been in and out of my life on different levels (as I have his). We enjoy each others company, but would kill each other if we ever tried to make it permanent  ...we're too different, with different outlooks on life in the long run, but as friends/ "friends", we do all right (even if it's just for inspiration, support and plain ol' yakking most of the time)
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| Sep 17, 2006 @ 4:22 AM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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dark_moon
Posts: 158
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Just so no one gets the wrong idea.... When I said we were best friends I did not mean we were "friends". 
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| Sep 17, 2006 @ 1:39 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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distressedjester
Posts: 575
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spongebob :
My advice to guys who get stuck in the "friend zone" is to continue being who they are and be greatfull for the friends they make. All things work out in the end.
I couldn't agree more--just be yourself, if something is meant to be; it will be. I have placed interested ladies in the "friends zone" as well. I knew they would make wonderful friends but never be more than that. It all will balance out on its own as time goes by.
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| Sep 17, 2006 @ 3:00 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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observed50
Posts: 407
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I've had a number of experiences where a woman was a friend for a long period of time, and over time, slowly became cuter, sexier and more attractive. But, at the same time, neither of us lost sight of why we wouldn't be great as a couple. In each case, over time, there was intimacy without a move towards 'relationship.' And in each case, our shared worlds continue to have doors open to such intimacy. Never look a gift horse in the mouth! 
I've also had the experience where a woman I was attracted to for years towards a relationship, I came to finally only see as a friend. Younger, she was the cat's meow, older, her beauty physically couldn't overcome her need for security and control, and to this old hippie, that just didn't have an orbit around the same sun. But we remain great friends, probably talk a couple times a month. Her daughter always wondered why we didn't marry, in the recent past, and I just had to be honest..."your mom would have murdered me in the kitchen and said I made her do it."
That always brought an end to her questions. 
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| Sep 17, 2006 @ 9:25 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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dark_moon said:
Just so no one gets the wrong idea.... When I said we were best friends I did not mean we were "friends".
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| Sep 18, 2006 @ 3:51 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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dark_moon
Posts: 158
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I have a buddy that we used to be "friends". Went on for close to a year. Funny thing is we had been friends for two or three years and one time we had ended up going home together from the bar and it was no big deal. Then about two years after that, I don't even recal now how it got started....oh wait ya I called him one Sunday afternoon and enquired about his "mood" Anyhow, neither of us was in the notion to date anyone at that time but also not inclined to be celebate. So it worked out pretty well. After swimming in the dating cesspool again for a while I'm starting to think "friends" was a damn good idea and I should enquire as to his thought on the matter.
(Disclaimer: This post should not be misconscrewed as an interest in meeting men for such friendship. I have been friends with afore mentioned buddy for FIVE years.)
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| Sep 20, 2006 @ 10:46 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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CrackerJackPat
Posts: 794
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Having seen a lot of posts where "just friends" came across as a cry of "what's wrong with me?"....
I thought.... now what kind of a crazy world would this be, if absolutely everyone or even a "number of them" each appealed to us. WILD NOTION!!! I know there are those that DO move on a large number of attractions. Then wonder why they never seem to find a "lasting" relationship.
I've had the "friends" thing work both ways.
Had a male "friend" who was coming out of a relationship. He really wasn't ready to be any more than "friends". I was just coming out of a divorce and the relationship worked well for me also as "friends". After a few months he decided to change the rules on me and it "spooked" me and in turn embarrassed him. The relationship fizzled after that. Too bad, too. I think I would have handled it better had he "talked about his changing feelings".
Before I married my husband, I told him I'd like to be "just friends".
He SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!!
I SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO MY GUNS!!!
I want a guy who's absolutely crazy about me and that I'm absolutely crazy about!!
In the meantime... I thoroughly enjoy my guy friends and learn a lot from them.
Oh yeah.... since we're making disclaimers here....
I don't have any friends.... Strick policy... no with even the best of my "friends".
[Edited on 9/20/2006 11:22 PM]
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| Sep 20, 2006 @ 11:43 PM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question
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Dovestreasure
Posts: 3,419
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I had a similar situation as cracker jack. I was grieving the loss of the love of my life, no he didnt die , but he found someone new. My new friend was struggling with being newly divorced. We were both pretty down and out. There was a strong attraction from the start and we were on the way to a physical relationship. We both agreed that we needed healing time and we put the brakes on. We still however spent a tremendous amout of time together. He hung out at my place , I hung out at his. I went to his band gigs all the time. We would talk for hours on the phone. The attraction was there and there was always this sexual tension between us. From time to time we touched without it going any further. He would vow again and again that we cant let this happen and that he was not ready. Our "friendship" went on for fourteen months. He kept giving me mixed signals and I finally got fed up with it all. We have not seen one another since April. I miss his friendship sometimes.
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| Sep 21, 2006 @ 2:51 AM |
The friend zone - a new twist on the old question |
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dark_moon
Posts: 158
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From another site forum (edited some).
I have been thinking about the crash diet and how it compares to long term relationships.
Every year thousands try to lose weight by going on 'crash' or 'fad' diets. Society has us wanting the better looking body and fast. We want the end results fast.
Often these quick fix diets don't work, or we give up on them before we see results. We sometimes complete the 'crash' diet with nice results only for the weight to be gained back and often times feeling worse than we did before the diet.
Realisticaly, to have a beautiful healthy body reqires a lifetime commitment to making lifestyle changes to working out and eating healthy everyday. One day you notice you have exactly what you wanted. And you feel proud of who you have become inside, having worked so hard.
I believe it is the same with the Long Term Relationship.
Jumping into a relationship is like the 'quick fix'. Starting a relationship without the foundation of friendship often leads to losing the results you worked hard for and often times feeling worse than you did before.
And repeating this relationship rollercoaster is, I believe, why so many people have become so jaded. Their emotional health has become as ravaged as the physical helth of people who yo yo on one fad diet after another.
Making lifestyle changes to who you are and what you want, building new friendship and or reinforcing old ones, I think that is where the long term relationship that works and lasts will come from.
I think over time, the long term relationship will come from a strong foundation of friendship. A relationship built with someone who is first and foremost my friend. I think by not skipping steps and wanting the 'quick fix' I we would not 'crash'. Taking the time to put in the hard work it takes to build a healthy friendship. I think that is where your life partner comes from, the one who weathers any storm with you.
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