| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:03 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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candylily
Posts: 1,347
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I like this online and long-distance dating thing because it has allowed me to ease back into dating without getting scared someone will try to "own" me before I'm ready for another serious relationship. I haven't dated anyone in this town yet and have no interest in doing so. That's too scary. I think the closest person I've dated was about a 40 minute drive but most have been at least an hour or hour and a half and quite a few have been so far away they've required plane trips.
I've noticed that when a guy lives an hour or so away, I'm sometimes reluctant to actually give him a chance to even ask me out. Twice in the last month, there were 2 different guys I was really attracted to who kept emailing me and giving me their phone numbers and asking for mine because they wanted to meet me. I noticed that in both instances, I finally gave them my home phone number, but not my cell number and then stayed gone the rest of the day. When I came home, I didn't even look to see who's called while I was out. The first one has given up I think after calling me about 3 times according to my caller ID and the last one may have decided to do the same because I also finally gave him my number yesterday morning and then stayed gone again. He had been trying to get me to call him or give me his number for a couple weeks.
They are both very attractive, but I think I'm just still too scared. I would rather sit at home most nights than date someone close enough to have a relationship with. Does anyone else find themselves avoiding actual dates because they're scared or for some other reason?
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:06 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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observed50
Posts: 407
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candy> something you might think about is connecting with people without the hope or expectation that it has to go somewhere. Meet as friends. We all can stand more friends. Let them know that is where you are at. If something can develop, it might. But there is a lot of freedom when one enters into an encounter without needing anything to come from it. Your fear is grounded in feeling you might not be good enough, make a good decision or whatever. Remove the pressure by removing the expectations.
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:25 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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candylily
Posts: 1,347
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No, I'm not afraid I'm not good enough. I have plenty of self-confidence.
I'm scared because both my marriages were hard to get out of. My last one even worse than the first. My first husband went around threatening every man he found out I had dated and told them we were getting back together and to stay away. If that didn't work, he would knock them over the head with a beer bottle or something else. I didn't find out about it until much later. I thought guys were just fickle.
My last husband promised to kill me if I didn't go back to him and that's how I ended up in a town I had never even visited before I moved here. He was very serious. I heard it in his voice.
The other isn't exactly a fear, but it's more of the "I don't want to be used for sex thing". It pisses me off when a guy isn't smart enough to know that I could have sex with almost anyone but I chose him, especially when he's made an all-out effort to get me in bed and then it's just a casual thing to him.I'm sorry I just don't like that and I never will. I don't want to get married but I don't want to be used either and it's just hard to find the middle. It seems like men either go completely nuts over me or they just want to have sex.
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:27 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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littleross
Posts: 249
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Candy - I am in exactly the same place, mentally and emotionally, as you. I think I want to date, but I'm a HUGE chicken and always seem to come up with a really good reason why I can't get together with whomever....
Observed - You are correct. Now, stop looking in that crystal ball of yours and get out of my head! It's really kind of freaky... 
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:31 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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waiting41
Posts: 1,926
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scared someone will try to "own" me
I can only assume you have been with someone who was extemely controlling. If I am correct here you will need to be careful not to get into another situation like that because sometimes we form patterns.
Let go of the fear and take some chances, however, because life is short, and you will learn by "getting out there" again. Like observed said...keep it casual for starters. You are in control of yourself, you can make decisions, and you deserve to get out and have some fun. It's all about attitude. :)
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:35 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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Avoid "real dates"? Piece of cake...first, move to Bumf*ck Nevada. Second, use a lot of ---->   icons and annoy the heck out of them before they even ask. Third, tell them that you smoke -- like a CHIMNEY. 
It's easy. 
Oh, and tell them that you don't have a phone. 
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:38 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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waiting41
Posts: 1,926
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Or write on your profile that you have a boyfriend.
[Edited on 10/14/2006 8:38 PM]
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:38 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:40 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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observed50
Posts: 407
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candy> I think if you listen beneath your fear of these men you've had in your life, there is a voice in the head that fears YOU will choose another one. You know not all men are like that...but YOU fear that YOU will choose another one...you doubt your skills at discernment...
Regarding the used-for-sex thing...it really doesn't matter how many partners one might have...it doesn't really matter how many one has had...what matters is that we don't really know what shoes fit until we try em on. Now...there are bazillions we don't even try on because we sooooo know they don't fit. But there are others that seem like they might, like they should, like they will...so we try em on.
I bet those men who were abusive weren't that way when you first tried em on. But in wearing them, you discovered they were. So what if you could sleep with a bazillion other men. Go to the store, squeeze the grapefruits, and don't think there's some way to avoid touching some rotten fruit by accident.
Didja catch those mixed metaphors???
and littleross...don't worry. Its not a crystal ball. That was stolen in a raid by a bunch of masked men posing as federal marshalls. I was simply using my telescope. You look good tonight by the way.... 
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:42 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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waiting41
Posts: 1,926
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So what if you could sleep with a bazillion other men.
I'm thinking this might not be the best advice we can come up with here.
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 8:44 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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observed50
Posts: 407
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waiting>
that wasn't advice...it was referencing her comment "guy isn't smart enough to know that I could have sex with almost anyone."
I would never advise a woman to have sex with a bazillion men. It simply is not possible in one's lifetime, and why encourage people to do things that simply are physically unobtainable????
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| Oct 14, 2006 @ 9:57 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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sweet5red
Posts: 9,706
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actually i get tired of the dating thing.. and just not dating anyone at the moment.. sometimes you gotta back up and regroup.. but i know dang well i do not like being a " one" just my opinion.. Sweet N Louisiana
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 12:39 AM |
ways you avoid real dates
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candylily
Posts: 1,347
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I ended up going out with one of the guys I had given my phone number to. It was going well until he told me how he doesn't like to waste time (evidently one of those people who knows in 3 minutes) and if he isn't interested he doesn't take the woman out to dinner but instead just makes up some kind of excuse and cuts the date short. He told me this while we were waiting to be seated in the restaurant. I guess he thought I would feel lucky that I had made it to dinner with him. I told him I thought it was really rude to do that to someone and if you've made a date, you should at least make the best of it and enjoy getting to know a new person. He said he didn't agree. He said there's no point in spending any time with someone you're not attracted to. Do other people feel it's a waste of time to continue a date if it's not love at first sight?
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 12:52 AM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,699
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It may be a waste of time in the romance arena, but you could very well make a friend. Every date doesn't have to end in romance you know. What the guy was doing is rude. But I have to tell you that I think giving a guy your phone number and then avoiding the call is also rude. If you don't want to talk to him, just say so.
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 12:54 AM |
ways you avoid real dates
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T_i_m
Posts: 809
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I would much rather find someone close to where I live than have to deal with a long distance relationship. I find it to be very nice to be able to just drive across town to be with someone I honestly like rather than to have to fly across the ocean. An hour or two drive would not be all that bad though.
I do love to fly, however. And I think airline food is pretty good too.
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 1:34 AM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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duwant1
Posts: 575
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He may have acted that way, because he didn’t like playing phone tag? Fortunately, he didn’t use you for just sex, or string one along. If I remember right, you were the one dragging your heels? With all that initial drama, even the possibility of sex wouldn’t be endearing enough for me to meet up for a date. I don’t think I could be that blunt to a date, but with 136 million women to choose from, I really can’t blame him for being honest.
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 1:51 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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IceDog
Posts: 153
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I would much rather find someone close to where I live than have to deal with a long distance relationship.[QUOTE]
I agree. When somebody your dating lives close by it makes it much easier. Here im Michigan winter is coming and would rather drive just across town then one or two hours away in the snow. And overall it is just easier if they are close by. No long distance calls, just a few minutes away if something comes up, etc...
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 3:09 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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ynot77
Posts: 453
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He said he didn't agree. He said there's no point in spending any time with someone you're not attracted to. Do other people feel it's a waste of time to continue a date if it's not love at first sight?
CANDY! and anyone else who knows me or follows my post knows damn well i'm direct..BUT ..there's a fine line between honest and rude..my opinion i'm just glad it didnt' go further cause you my deal lady deserve much better.....pretty much anything else i'd say bout him would be rude...and today i'm feelin kind...so..i'll keep my peace to my self....*wanders off thinking.."DORKS, need a good beating...if i did that shit to THEIR mom or sister...bet they'd be a bit upset'' ...and kicks the door on my way out*  
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 3:22 PM |
ways you avoid real dates
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twotall911
Posts: 13,048
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scared someone will try to "own" me-- seems like they have a lot of insecurities,inmature maybe,nobody owns any one seems youve just hit the wrong crowd there are some good people out there and i believe ldr works if some effort and trust is put in to the batter or like me theres no one around where i live sooo you have to travel
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| Oct 25, 2006 @ 7:08 PM |
ways you avoid real dates |
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candylily
Posts: 1,347
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You're right. It is kind of rude of me to avoid phone calls after I've finally given someone my number. He wasn't rude to me because I got my dinner even after showing up late, then dragging him into Claire's to look for Halloween jewelry and then in other stores to look at shoes. In my defense I kept telling him he didn't have to shop if he didn't want to, but he said he wanted to buy a few sweaters anyway which he did. He was going along with whatever I wanted to do, but when I told him I thought it was rude to cut dates short with other women when he told me that's what he does, that's when his mood changed. Maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself. As someone pointed out, it was at least gentlemanly of him not to see me a few more times just to get laid and he may have been tempted to do that because he told me before I got out of the truck that I have great breasts  . He emailed me the next day to say I probably wasn't the one for him. I had also noticed that he colored his hair and moustache and mentioned that too. Now that I think about it, maybe he's less rude to other women than I was to him. 
The other guy who called several times, I cancelled on at the last minute after we had made a date. My daughter asked me to babysit. He didn't try again.
Maybe that's why the long-distance thing works better for me. I'm not scared of that and I don't end up trying to avoid dates if I know I can only see the person once in a while. They can just stay a nice little fantasy with possibly a few good memories depending on how it went. I'm sure I'm not the only one on here who is unsure they're really ready for a possibly serious relationship, am I? Nowhere in my profile does it imply that I am either, so I'm not lying to anyone.
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