| Oct 23, 2006 @ 2:31 AM |
How important are ex's/first loves?
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SandyDiggler
Posts: 79
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I don't know how many people here watch Friends, but one episode in particular illustrates my question very well.
Remember that episode with Ross and Rachel while Ross was dating Julie. He couldn't decide between Rachel or Julie, so he makes a list for both of them, listing all the flaws they each had to help him make a decision. And he came up with a huge list for Rachel but the only thing he could come up with for Julie was that she wasn't Rachel and so he went back to her even though him and Julie were so happy together.
How real is that? Does that really happen? When you get out of a relationship and you meet someone new who you like a lot and who you think is absolutely fantastic is it possible to be willing to give all of that up because no matter how great they are they will never be your ex?
I don't know how well I phrased the question, hopefully people understand what I'm trying to say.
Basically I'm dating a guy who I get along with really well, he's always saying how wonderful I am, he got me presents and cards, he says he misses me whenever we're not together, he gave me his sweatshirt to wear, we talk all the time, and he calls me every night before he goes to bed, he even left stuff at my place in case he stays over...but he just got out of a long relationship (2 years) a little over a month ago with basically his first love, and I know he still thinks about her. So I guess what I'm trying to ask is...how worried should I be that he's just going to end up going back to her?
Sorry this was such a long post! I swear I didn't mean to make it this long 
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 2:47 AM |
How important are ex's/first loves? |
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CaNaturalBlonde
Posts: 1,809
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I don't know if you should be as worried about him going back to his ex, but more importantly it's way too soon for him to get into another relationship! Ever hear the term "transitional woman"? Do you really want to be the one to help him get over the ex, so he can move on to a more healthy relationship?
And yes, him going back to his ex is another big risk. He really needs the appropiate amount of time to get over the ex. The common joke that the best way to get over someone is to get under another, isn't necessarily true.
[Edited on 10/23/2006 2:56 AM]
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 6:39 AM |
How important are ex's/first loves?
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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I don't know if you should be as worried about him going back to his ex, but more importantly it's way too soon for him to get into another relationship! Ever hear the term "transitional woman"? That should be "transitional person", it works both ways. It's common, and it doesn't mean he's a bad person, most people don't realize that's what they're doing. But, yea, that's a bigger risk than him going back to her.
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 10:11 AM |
How important are ex's/first loves? |
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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I had one of those "transitional people" myself. It takes time to move on and you should give it to him! Would you really wanna be with a guy who'd rather be with someone else anyway?
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 4:42 PM |
How important are ex's/first loves?
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candylily
Posts: 1,347
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It's possible he will go back to her or you're the rebound person, but I wouldn't quit seeing him just because there's no guarantee he's over her. It sounds like he treats you great and there are never any guarantees in love. You should probably do like people should always do anyway and take it slowly.
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 4:51 PM |
How important are ex's/first loves? |
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lj450
Posts: 9,551
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Its not really that important.......unless it was her uncle, brother, etc....then its pretty important.
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| Oct 23, 2006 @ 7:52 PM |
How important are ex's/first loves?
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SandyDiggler
Posts: 79
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Thanks for the responses
Honestly I was so worried about his ex-girlfriend I didn't even think about rebound relationships so I'm glad that was brought up.
Regardless of what I am to him, one thing is definitely correct, in that he's not ready to be in another relationship and I'm definitely not going to be bringing that subject up anytime soon, if he IS after a relationship I know when he's ready for the next step he'll make the move.
Actually, my best friend is dating his best friend, and he's kinda good friends with my friend, so they talk a lot and I guess he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet but that didn't mean that he wouldn't be thrilled one day to call me his girlfriend.
So we'll see what happens. I've heard from past experiences not to believe everything everyone says.
But yea, thanks for responding everyone! 
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| Oct 24, 2006 @ 7:33 AM |
How important are ex's/first loves? |
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Strandedboarder
Posts: 440
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I know of several women that have gone back to first loves, even after being divorced. I don't know any guys that have done it but I suspect there are some.
If he's still thinking of her then I personally would be worried. If he's really into you, then I should be able to ask him the name of his ex and his response should be, "who?" Otherwise, who has time to waste on a question mark?
Trust me...men don't change or develop new habits overnight. All that niceness is because that's the way he is. He'll be like that with you, his next girlfriend, probably even his mother. It's not an indicator of what's in his heart.
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| Oct 28, 2006 @ 1:56 PM |
How important are ex's/first loves?
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observed50
Posts: 407
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You never really gave us a calendar of how soon you started dating this male after his breakup, so its hard to say very much about where he might be in his growing out of the other relationship, especially as we don't also have any information regarding the nature of that relationship - good, bad, he left, she left, etc...
But, being involved with people fairly soon after a break, from the perspective of your own well being, is never a good idea. For many people, the 'next' person is sometimes a band-aid, sometimes a recreational drug (true for many relationships regardless of proximity to a break), sometimes a cry-towel, but seldom are you in that space and highly visible as 'you' - i.e., the unique critter you might be if one wasn't in blurred vision with looking backward so much.
If you're in a relationship, and worried about how much someone might be thinking and attached to another, previous or not, that's not a healthy space for you either. It distorts your behavior, as you'dig in' and 'try harder' to be what you believe the other person is looking for which is often not even known to that person. Your worries might be your own because of your own self-doubts and questions, which no 'other' can ever fill in for you - you wouldn't believe it anyways.
Trying to list the qualities and things of another that are good and bad is usually going to favor the former, because the former is so much better known, and as a critter of habits, deeply a critter of habits, we are pulled towards that with which we are the most familiar. Even if the most familiar is violent, abusive, nasty, bitter and even twisted, we pull towards the deep rut of habit that the mind is comfortable in because all of its learned responses are from that place of familiarity - the new 'other' just has not had time to create the new habit ruts...
Watch people as they age, and frequently, after a break with someone, they call around to old flames to see if any are available...to talk, to sex, to see if there isn't still some possibility of connection. Abusive?? Yeah...but he is a good person. Didn't she cheat with you with a number of guys?? Yeah...but she was so right for me.
If you must go in to a swamp...go in with eyes wide open, wearing your pith helmet and safari jacket, acknowledging you're in a swamp, and could come out with a leg missing. It is each of our adventure to take, and as many of us here know, despite warnings of all kinds from friends, family and others, if we are attracted into the swamp, ain't no one gonna be able to stop us. Just go prepared knowing you probably aren't going to get through it with your white clothes, still white.
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| Oct 28, 2006 @ 3:11 PM |
How important are ex's/first loves? |
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,699
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I don't think there is a calander, I've met some women that have been divorced 15-20 years and are still hung up on the ex. One of them lives down the street from me and is always complaining about how she can't find a man. But her ex, who is a real dirt bag, comes over every few weeks for sex and to borrow money. So, every time she does get into a relationship, the new guy finds out about the ex, and it's over. She doesn't see the ex as being the problem though, she says people just don't "understand" him. Is there any guy who would put up with this? I don't think so, so why can't she see it?
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