| Dec 26, 2006 @ 11:35 AM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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I don't know how many of you read or have even heard of Carolyn Hax, but I read her column online (at washingtonpost.com) when it's printed, about three times a week.
This came from a column last week:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/07/AR2006120701534.html
Dear Carolyn:
I am 49, divorced twice and have been seeing a guy for the last three months. Although I really like him, I don't feel "that way'' about him and am pretty sure I never will. I'm not sure if I will ever feel "that way'' about anyone again. Is it okay to keep on seeing someone you enjoy and respect as a person but see no long-term future with? I have not dated anyone else since we met and I'm pretty sure he hasn't, either. But we have not had the "Are we exclusive?'' chat. Is It Wrong?
No, it's not wrong, it's okay. In fact, I think it's wrong to think that every relationship has to have a conveyer belt to the Great Whatever -- and that your only choices are to stay on or to jump off if you have a different destination in mind.Sometimes, people provide for each other, for a limited time, some pleasant companionship. Sometimes that's just fine.What isn't fine is misleading people. If you're writing because you suspect he has bigger ideas, then you need to make your intentions clear. No rationalizing around it. Otherwise, a pleasant evening to you both.
Maybe I just like this particular advice nugget so much because it expresses my own philosophy of dating so closely. Not every relationship has to be "the" one and it's okay to go out with someone just because you have fun with him, even if you don't see a white picket fence in your future.
I've said before that I think most of the problems we have with dating we bring on ourselves. We overthink situations. We try too hard to find hidden meanings in conversations. We're so busy looking for "the one" that we miss what's right in front of us. It seems people don't believe you can - or should - date just to have fun, that it has to 'lead somewhere' or it's a waste of time.
Since a new year is around the corner, and a lot of us use that occasion to rethink where we are and what we're doing in life, I wanted to throw this out for discussion.
Thoughts?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Bueller?
MJ
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 11:56 AM |
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mogrl1000
Posts: 258
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I agree 100%.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 12:13 PM |
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encorrgbl
Posts: 1,390
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Dating can be fun, and you can have fun, nothing wrong with that imho, but I agree with the columnist, don't be misleading. If you KNOW the other person is interested in something more, let them know you're not if you're not.
Dating 'should' be fun, but the purpose 'most' times in a date is something you go out on with the purpose to get to know the other person, and is this person compatible?
I mean, if I'm interested in going out and eventually hope to find myself in a relationship, I don't probably want to go out and have fun with someone I'd hope to have that with, if all they want to do is have fun. Then I should be seeking someone who's of a similar interest.
No 'wrong' or 'right' here, just an understanding of expectations, and communication so that no one gets hurt, and no one is mislead. Whether a date is for just going out and having a good time, or hopefully finding someone you could have a serious relationship with, go out and have fun doing it!
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 12:36 PM |
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luvmycats
Posts: 10,208
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Mj, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
That is exactly where I am right now. I would like to find someone to have fun with, but I sure am not ready to have a "relationship"  . Are there really guys out there willing to do this?
As for the article, she does need to be totally honest with the guy.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 12:59 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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To me, it boils down to the question of can we or can we not adjust our expectations?
For instance, Enc (since you wrote a hypothetical), if you knew the girl wasn't interested in anything long-term with you, but she also really did enjoy spending time with you, would you still go out with her, with the knowledge that that's all it was to her?
Do you continue a relationship that's fun but short term (or, at least not heavy on the "emotional" side), accepting it for what it is, or do you give up that relationship because of an all-or-nothing attitude - if I can't have "the one" I'm going to also skip "the one for right now"?
I know there really is no one right answer, it all depends on how we feel about dating. I think, though, that we lose a lot of opportunities by taking that "all or nothing" stance.
But...that's just my two knuts. 
MJ
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 1:04 PM |
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DoorWatcher
Posts: 6,259
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Razzi's back from lunch! 
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 1:36 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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shhhh! I haven't gone to lunch yet. I'm trying to ignore my work AND get a lunch break.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 1:41 PM |
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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Did you send this article to a certain Wawawhiner we all know and love? 
I think I could very well be terminally single other than the fact that I value companionship so much. I completely agree with Hax's response. Enc is right on, too, in the need of establishing common expectations.
I have (more than one time) shot myself in the foot with that same "all-or-nothing" attitude that Razz mentioned. For me personally, I can't seem to date any one guy for too long without having the feeling that I want more. I can enjoy it for what it is, but only to a certain point! The strangest part is...I think it's that I feel I should want more when in fact, it is just me sabotaging a perfectly good friendship!
Does this happen to anyone else?
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 1:51 PM |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,622
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Almost the opposite for me. I panic when I feel it developing into something more. I keep forgetting to breathe, when that's really all I need to do.
And Di - great picture...nice seeing you're not hiding behind the Christmas tree!
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:05 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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Did you send this article to a certain Wawawhiner we all know and love?
 Hell, no! Sorry, that needs repeating...HELL, NO! I've managed to keep that resolution, at least, and haven't even opened any of her other threads. It's probably just SSDD, anyway.
I'm more like Heaven, but at least I recognize that in myself and I've learned to accept it and work with it. And, to let anyone I get involved with know it.
I've had the great love of my life. I don't expect to love like that again; in fact, I don't really think we get two shots at that, outside of romance novels.
I think you miss out on a lot of great company, if you stick with that all-or-nothing thing. What if Mr./Ms. AllorNothing never comes along, and you've spent a lifetime brushing off the ones who could have been there with you for a shorter period of time? You're still alone, but you don't even have great memories.
But, maybe that's just me. I'd rather eat at a buffet, with a little from here, a little from there, than wait forever for one entree to show up. Damn slow-ass waiters, anyway.
MJ - who also likes Di's pic, but still likes the lavender one best!
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:07 PM |
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The_love_Giant
Posts: 693
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:21 PM |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,622
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I've had the great love of my life. I don't expect to love like that again; in fact, I don't really think we get two shots at that, outside of romance novels.
And here's a look from the perspective of a 60-something...the great love of my life happened decades ago. It would have been a really lonely life if I hadn't found Mr. Right Nows to share it with for varying lengths of time along the way.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:37 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:46 PM |
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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I've been in a few of those before, but it always seems one party or the other eventually wants it to become more serious.
Besides, if you're always busy at the buffet, the waiter can never find you.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 3:55 PM |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,622
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Guess I should have put in the usual...YMMV. My own experience was it was never that anyone wanted it to be more than it was, but life circumstances changed and we went our separate ways. By far the longest lasting one (much, much longer than my very shortlived and much regretted marriage) was with a man who I'm still in touch with and still consider to have probably had more of an influence on my life than almost anyone else. Just because you know something isn't going to be forever doesn't make it trivial.
But then again...YMMV.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 4:41 PM |
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encorrgbl
Posts: 1,390
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For instance, Enc (since you wrote a hypothetical), if you knew the girl wasn't interested in anything long-term with you, but she also really did enjoy spending time with you, would you still go out with her, with the knowledge that that's all it was to her?
If I (being the hypothecial guy) knew that's all she wanted, if that's all I wanted too, then sure. Something lite, something fun. No problem.
But, if that's not what you're committed to. Then you run a risk of unrequitted love, and if you suffer that, then you have my most complete and utter sympathy.
Do you want to run that risk? Be true to yourself and to your heart. If I (the hypothectical I again) were worried that I might really care about this person who just wants to have fun, than no. No date. No go. 
If I could just go out and have a good time and not care about this person, and not develop feelings? Sure. Let's dance! 
Do you continue a relationship that's fun but short term (or, at least not heavy on the "emotional" side), accepting it for what it is, or do you give up that relationship because of an all-or-nothing attitude - if I can't have "the one" I'm going to also skip "the one for right now"?
That question is one I can answer (with my opinion mind you) in like 3 pages, but I'll try to keep it short.
Yes and no. LOL
Really depends on the person, how they view life, how they view relationships, and how they want to conduct their search for their soulmate. It's a personal choice.
The relationship short term, with long term potential:
My thought is, go out, have fun, smile, be happy. Have lite dates with people who just want to have a good time. Talk to them, enrich your life with their presence.
The journey to find your one should be guided along a path of happiness brought about by many things in your life giving you happiness and not just that person being in it. If the addage of love finding you when you least expect it is true, then tend your life like a garden and make sure that it is fertile enough for love to grow within it. If it is, then love may come more easily, and it may grow more fully.
The relationship long term, no short term:
For some people they want long term relationships and they don't want to bother wasting their time with people that only want to have fun. I understand. I agree. For them something short term doesn't work, it feels like a let down when you care and they don't. Why spend your time with people who aren't searching for the same thing? Life's short, don't waste it.
So really, it's a matter of the persons' expectations, goals, and how they feel they should persue it. All of which change as they go through life and experience things.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 4:42 PM |
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encorrgbl
Posts: 1,390
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Besides, if you're always busy at the buffet, the waiter can never find you.
An excellent point.
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 4:46 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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As for me...I'll be a knight.
Oops...sorry, wrong quote.
Um....where was I? 
As for me, I guess I'd rather be enjoying dessert, instead of waiting for the waiter to find me.
MJ
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 4:56 PM |
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encorrgbl
Posts: 1,390
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As for me...I'll be a knight.
I hear that Ron says the queen packs a good wallop! Keep an eye out for her good knight! 
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| Dec 26, 2006 @ 5:24 PM |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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