| May 3, 2007 @ 7:50 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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Eldermint
Posts: 114
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Today I saw the Dear Prudence column on Slate Magazine. The letter was from a college freshman who was having an affair with a TA five years older than she was, an admitted alcoholic and drug user. The TA had made the first move in spite of college rules against teacher student relationships and she had accepted because it was close to the end of the term. The girl realized it had gone farther than she wanted and wanted out. She was afraid of the consequences of telling him she wanted to end it and sought advice.
Besides some good advice about talking to the police if she thought there was physical danger or seeing a counselor at the college for a neutral someone to talk to, "Prudie" said "You need someone to talk to, simply to help you realize that you are not at fault--you're a freshman who was pressured into a relationship by someone with serious problems."
I disagree. I believe we are seldom not at fault for our own actions and part of society's problems is not owning up to that fact. How do you feel about the situation?
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:00 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 3,780
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i concur, each of us chooses our own path, to most the path begins with the day of reckoning. "i reckon i'm gonna git an ass whupping if i do this but just maybe no one will find out" LOL
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:07 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
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College freshman = 18 years old = legal adult = responsible for their actions. Or should be. It's not like personal accountability is high on popularity lists anywhere today.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:12 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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Remember...its always someone else's fault!
I agree with being responsible for your own personal choices. It looks like she knew what she was getting into. She needs to tell him it is over and move on.
And I wonder what consequenses she is expecting....bad grades or personal danger? If it is the later, then she does need to seek police protection.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:30 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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Eldermint
Posts: 114
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Jerry and Mary, as soon as I saw your comments I knew few would disagree.
Mom, recently one of the girls in our office went through a divorce with a violent spouse. Around here at least, even though she had a restraining order, the police couldn't watch all the time. He broke in at least twice and hit her once. Grade lowering is easy, violence is really hard. Have to take responsibility (there's that phrase again) and couple telling the police with some self-protective measures.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:39 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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I agree that the police can't be there 24/7, but getting law enforcement involved does create a paper trail if needed.
Hopefully it's not personal safety she is worried about.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:40 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,701
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she had accepted because it was close to the end of the term.
That has got to be one of the lamest excuses ever. She said yes to the guy, and now she changed her mind. The end of the semester has nothing to do with it. I work at a university, and I've seen this kind of stuff many times. It usually starts with the girl being impressed that an "older man" is interested in her. These relationships usually end one of two ways, they get married, or they break it off and move on to other partners. I think she is just creating some drama for herself with all this stuff with the police and counselors and so on, she just needs to say she's done.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:50 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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Eldermint
Posts: 114
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Well sure, she did get herself published in Slate didn't she?
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| May 3, 2007 @ 8:52 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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It's all about the 15 minutes of fame!
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:32 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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blueyes101
Posts: 8,307
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Eldermint, Every time I hear of some gal who is going through a divorce with a violent spouse, I can't help but think how many times did someone/anyone try to let her know this guy was a loose cannon to begin with. She picked him, and married him, and probably had more than one child with this man..........Unless it is a case of " his" mental illness, it is still her fault for deciding to marry him. If she sent him packing years ago, she would not be in the situation now.
It is very easy in todays society to blame someone else, now she decides she wants out, ( both examples actually ) but at one point in time she thought his shit didn't stink, and if she looks back, she can remember, that others did, and she defended him....I can assure you at least one friend said get out now, and she decided to stay. It all starts with denial, she for some reason refused to see the writing on the wall..........And now, it is his fault...........( BTW- I am in no way, shape or form defending either one of these guys, just pointing out, she picked him to be in a relationship with. )
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:37 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,088
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yeah it's cake to leave an abusive relationship. really easy. mhm. 
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:42 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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And sometimes a relationship doesn't turn abusive until later...after the marriage and child. So not all women in this situation have chosen to marry an abuser. You can't judge all of these in the same manner.
The main thing is to get help and get out.
Sorry Elder..we are 
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:44 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,701
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But LGQ, where does it say anything about an abusive relationship? It says the guy is 5 years older and that he is a drunk and drug user, it doesn't say anything about abuse at all. It says she is afraid of the consequences of telling him it's over, but those may just be in her mind, or it maybe she's afraid he'll go on a bender and OD or something, she never said she was in any danger.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:52 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,343
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Touch, I think LGQ's responding to Blu - he was the one who brought abuse into it, and implied it's a woman's fault for marrying an abuser. Yep, mea culpa.
OK, back on topic. What does fault have to do with it? I don't even understand why anyone would say that. She made a stupid decision, hopefully she's learned something and won't repeat it.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:53 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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blueyes101
Posts: 8,307
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Mom, recently one of the girls in our office went through a divorce with a violent spouse. Around here at least, even though she had a restraining order, the police couldn't watch all the time. He broke in at least twice and hit her once. Grade lowering is easy, violence is really hard. Have to take responsibility (there's that phrase again) and couple telling the police with some self-protective measures.
Sorry folks, I was combining both examples that were brought up earlier.........LGQ< my point was, she made the mistake of thinking some/all of his behaviors were cool, sexy, funny....ect......until they turned on her........I agree, getting out of an abusive relationship is never easy, my point is, do not allow it to get to that point. in more cases than not, the victim keeps going back, hoping things will change.....I speak in generalities, just make a point, I hope you understand. Every one has the right to change their mind, but as far as a relationship goes, going in ( in some cases ) with blinders on, and then calling for help, doesn't always fly for me.
[Edited on 5/3/2007 9:55 PM]
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:54 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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And sometimes love is blind.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:55 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,701
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oh, I'm easily confused tonight, I had to go to a meeting and listen to a vice-chancellor ramble on about nothing for 2 hours. That kind of numbs the mind.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:57 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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Eldermint
Posts: 114
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Oh I don't know, Mom. Still talking about choices and taking responsibility.
Blueyes, I think that's what I said.
Sparks, I talked about the girl at the office.
LipGloss, how right you are.
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| May 3, 2007 @ 9:57 PM |
Is it really not her fault?
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blueyes101
Posts: 8,307
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Right you are mom,  you just said it with less words...... 
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| May 3, 2007 @ 10:09 PM |
Is it really not her fault? |
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BandTMom
Posts: 28,443
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Elder, I totally agree with her taking responsibility. The article stated he was a known alcoholic and drug abuser....and staff/student dating was forbidden, so she knew what she was getting into. I think she was in it for a thrill and now wants out...she is still a teenager after all! But she did it and now she has to face the music for it. ANd I don't think it was abusive...I think she was afraid he might alter her grades or something along those lines.
My other (off topic  ) posts were reponses to abusive relationships in general. And on that subject I can say...unless you have been in that situation, you cannot not understand the why or how of it.
[Edited on 5/3/2007 10:18 PM]
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