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Dating a married (but separated) man


May 26, 2007 @ 1:27 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
Loreli


Posts: 31,995
I met and fell in love with a married man who wants to be "friends" with his soon to be ex-wife. He won't take me out in public because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
You didn't say if you were part of the breakup-that's your business- but more than likely a partner that messes around once, will do it again (at least until they truly grow up) No "in public dates?"-then it's all sex?
Rebound relationships have a high rate of failure, as it is likely one person's "excuse" to experiment outside of the relationship.

If they are still in touch-let them have a chance to work it out.
If he cares, he'll be back.
If not, cut your losses.
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May 26, 2007 @ 1:41 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
painter007


Posts: 12,941
I have always followed the rule...not to get involved with married or separated......and its best if they have been on their own for at least a year.
I always hope if their is a separation they can work things out......
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May 26, 2007 @ 1:45 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
1stsignofspring


Posts: 19,855
Ditto^^^^^^^^^^^^what she said....I always side with the marriage....because it's not over until the judge says it is!
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May 26, 2007 @ 2:25 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
JimNastics


Posts: 307
Just checked back. Thanks for the additional input. I see some great advice above from several different people. Many have made good points and I'm sure you found a lot good here to take home with you.

Personally, if I were you, I would start with asking to see the filing for divorce. "Gee, I've never seen one, can I see what it looks like" or "I haven't seen one of those in a long time, let me see yours, so I can see how they've changed" . If he doesn't show you (no matter what the excuses), then its clear (unless the separation is very recent), he's not serious about leaving her because he hasn't even filed for divorce. Either way, realize that you are probably not in a serious relationship. That doesn't mean you have to break up with him. Perhaps you enjoy the fun, sex and attention, while realizing that there is no future to the relationship. Just keep your heart reserved for someone else who will be there for you long term and don't stop looking for someone truly right for you.

On the other hand, if he shows you the divorce filing, then perhaps he is serious and wants to keep the divorce amicable. This could be because he has a lot of money at risk, or maybe the two like each other, but realize they shouldn't be married to each other. It happens. It also could mean that he's hoping to get back with her. Either way, you really need to put the sex off one night and have a heart to heart talk WITH HIM about these issues. He needs to know how you feel and you need to know his feelings and intentions as well. You might want to start off this conversation by stating "Gee, your ex must be nice. I'd like to meet her. Would you introduce us." When he protests (emphatically), ask why and why he's so emotional about it. That will put him in touch with his emotions and perhaps get the truth out of him.

Let us know how it turns out. Good luck !
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May 26, 2007 @ 2:34 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
Loreli


Posts: 31,995
I don't think pushing meeting the ex is a good thing when kids are not involved. That is, if you would have been introduced to said children anyway. Let it go until HE gets his head straight what he wants.

You can love him all you want, but if he still loves her, you'll be toast real soon.

my 2 cents worth
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May 26, 2007 @ 3:49 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
CHARLIgurl1


Posts: 774
Some men have affairs just because theyre bored or want a little extra excitement.. (unfortunately)... So being the other woman, maybe being given the I love yous etc, can be a very risky business. People say all sorts of things to get what they want, then suddenly, with one crook of the wifes finger, he goes running back,, especially if he has a lot to lose fanancially through a divorce.
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May 26, 2007 @ 4:12 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
BandTMom


Posts: 38,500
Once again I'll say....this time in plain words......The dude is MARRIED!

I've had this game played on me before!

RUN!
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May 26, 2007 @ 4:15 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
1stsignofspring


Posts: 19,855
Yep! Run like the wind...Forest!!
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May 26, 2007 @ 4:58 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
navybrat0921


Posts: 11
Truthfully......it sounds like he is NOT separated...but cheating on his wife with you....please do yourself a favor and RUN!!!!
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May 26, 2007 @ 5:00 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
navybrat0921


Posts: 11
and I agree with painter...but I actually won't date someone who has been divorced less than 2 yrs.....
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May 26, 2007 @ 6:42 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
signme


Posts: 16,691
I agree, married or separated are pretty much the same. Wait until the divorce is final and then see if there is a relationship there.
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May 26, 2007 @ 6:59 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
AngelLight


Posts: 5,159
Will not date a married/separated man for anything

Married is married, no matter how you call it, think about it, wrap it.

It's not over, until it's over ......
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May 26, 2007 @ 7:25 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
BandTMom


Posts: 38,500
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May 26, 2007 @ 7:46 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
Snappygoddess


Posts: 5,740
Snappy is a very very smart lady

And I am in some very good company
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May 26, 2007 @ 8:42 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
daisy315


Posts: 7,119
hmmm.. maybe thats why I don't get alot of offers here.. still separated after 15 years...
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May 26, 2007 @ 9:22 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
beckyiv42000


Posts: 16,872
oKay being separated here ( and yes its over) from my view there is NO reason he cannot take you out in PUBLIC...so what if its not in YOUR town , just to keep the peace with his ex or not give her ammunition for the divorce, he CAN take you out elsewhere...As soon as I was sure it was DONE with my ex and was separated and found someone I wanted to date nothing stopped me from being seen with them ESPECIALLY if I LOVED them ... it seems in my opinion that the guy should be leaving you $$ on the nightstand when he leaves
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May 26, 2007 @ 9:40 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
Palomino


Posts: 8,052
Becky!!!
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May 26, 2007 @ 9:43 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
Palomino


Posts: 8,052
It is not unusual for a person who is going through a divorce to care about the "soon-to-be-ex's" feelings. It's all so new and most of the time a painful experience for both. Just because two people can't live together doesn't mean that the initial feelings of love that brought them together aren't still hanging around somewhere. I was still friends with my ex. BUT...we did not keep in constant contact with each other.

You are not wrong to feel hurt, though. He should take you out in public and his wife should be aware of you. He doesn't need to flaunt you in front of her, but he DOES need to take you about town! Are there other ways that he seems to not be caring about YOUR feelings? It's risky business dating a seperated man or fresh from a relationship. Men go for the rebound more easily than women do.

BTW...I would have told him "no thanks" if he said he was going to see me AFTER having dinner with the wifey! I agree with most everyone here. Step back from the relationship and let him come to you.
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May 26, 2007 @ 10:23 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
LaShae868


Posts: 6
I got the message LOUD & CLEAR. you guys.....thanks for the input....
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May 26, 2007 @ 10:33 PM Dating a married (but separated) man    
capitalview


Posts: 577
In my experience separated women are absolutely the best for dating. They are experienced, discreet, and they are not likely to look for immediate commitment of any kind.
I believe that's exactly what separation is for ,i.e. to give the spouses time for finding new life partners.There's no reason to be getting into divorce expenses unless one or both spouses finally decide to remarry.
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