| Jun 16, 2007 @ 7:27 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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newlife2006
Posts: 613
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The author makes a good point here, doesn't she? 
Giving Up Smart
In the search for a life partner, it's better to listen to your heart than your head
By Rachel Pomerance
In my search for a soul mate, I'm giving up smart.
Which is a radical departure, since I've sought out smart men all my dating life. This wasn't so much a conscious decision as a gravitational pull that intellectual types have over me. I've dated so many Harvard grads I could have done exit polling. While others longed to live amid the lights and action of New York, Paris, and Rome, for me it was the dream of D.C. that kept wafting through my mind. Ahh, the possibilities...eggheads on every corner!
While it may seem counterintuitive for someone like me to give up smart, 'that's what it just might take, ironically enough, for me to return to trusting my intuition in my dating life.
I realized recently that my dating decisions have long been influenced by my head, not my heart. A 'man's appeal, at least initially, came more from his resume than his character--let alone our compatibility. So as much as I hate to admit it, I would be attracted to a man in direct proportion to the cachet of his degree. Now I wasn't strictly about brains, though that was integral to the equation. For example, I was involved with a Rhodes Scholar, but what really made me swoon was his charitable work, that he headed up a nonprofit center as a Harvard undergrad. (Note: This guy aside, I have learned that one's involvement with nonprofit work does not render that person free of unsavory traits, including sanctimony.)
Off track
It took a recent short-lived affair with another bright bulb to show me why I might be off track. He had great insight into politics, excelled in Latin -- but in an SAT way, not a romantic way. Yet, he was on a seventh-grade emotional reading level -- the whole he-pulls-away-once-she-shows-interest routine, coupled with
a maddening inability to discuss anything complex
a maddening inability to discuss anything complex or emotional. Anyway, it was his comment about intellectuals that snapped me into my realization. I had complained that a hoity-toity colleague was rather brusque, to which he remarked: "You know, most intellectuals are not sweet."
Now, there is no reason why intellect cannot come joined with compassion. But whether by nature or nurture, in my experience, my latest ex is right. Why? Because smarts very often beget arrogance.
In any case, relationships are about emotional agility, not intellectual acumen. It's your heart at work here, with the occasional brain check. So intelligence, like looks, is something of a red herring, and is therefore banished to the lower rungs of my relationships checklist.
This is easier said than done. When you've been weaned in a society in which brilliance is the holy grail, it's not so easy to reverse your sensibilities. It starts in preschool these days, with parents jockeying for space for their own Baby Einsteins at the kindergarten most likely to lead them to Yale.
The greatest culprit
High school is probably the greatest culprit. During the impressionable adolescent years, kids are organized into classes based on the strength of their intellects. That means the kids in honors classes are practically segregated from the hoi palloi. This may ensure that students get the most challenging education for their skill levels, but it also sends a strong social signal as teens primarily associate with their intellectual equals at the time they often begin dating. Adding to that matrix is the looming presence of what comes next --college. Students struggle to juggle violin practice alongside test prep tutoring as they vie for acceptance at a highly ranked college to help them meet other high achievers and allegedly live the good life.
Intelligence is a cultural virtue in our community.
So it makes sense that I would seek out an intellectual as my life partner. (After all, I became one myself.) It's just that with the benefit of a few years behind me, I now realize that it's all a bit overrated. In life and in love, it's the e.q. (emotional quotient), stupid.
The relationships that count, the relationships that last, are the ones based on compassion, compromise, and communication. They are the values we learn over and over again in our religious teachings. Ever hear Jesus or Moses preach about intelligence? Heck, no. Our brains are simply pathways to help us understand, balance, and pursue our needs and deeds. The values that lay at the root of American society, of freedom and respect for mankind, derive from these basic moral and religious principles. And we would do well to remember the blueprint for rectitude and fulfillment found in our various religious traditions.
Yet self-centeredness, which we see so often in those smug with the sophomoric sense of intellectual superiority, can hijack, to quote our 16th president Abraham Lincoln, the "better angels of our nature."
So while I won't turn away a potential mate if he is smart, I will probably proceed with caution. But more to the point, I'll look closely and quickly for the qualities inspired by basic religious teachings like loving, kindness, respect, and humility. And perhaps a new spin on the issue at hand -- wisdom.
Rachel Pomerance
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| Jun 16, 2007 @ 9:04 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 8,063
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In my search for a soul mate, I'm giving up smart.
Which is a radical departure, since I've sought out smart men all my dating life
 so..If I read this right..Smart men did not want to have a relationship with her...So she is now going to try for dumb men... ..and if that fails...will she then try for bought men? 
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| Jun 16, 2007 @ 9:08 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 12,065
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hmm maybe the smart men are just that?? 
oh and for once .. this post wasn't aimed at Newlife... I mean if someone thinks that they are superior to everyone ie: that they only deserve a SMART man/woman .. they can miss out on someone who would love them with their whole heart and soul unconditionally and who they could have possibly had a wonderful life with 
[Edited on 6/16/2007 9:14 PM]
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| Jun 16, 2007 @ 9:17 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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loisday
Posts: 1,333
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The author failed to make a good point. As a matter of fact, it is plain stupid. Nothing is that black or white. Following just your heart or just your head would be a mistake for me. It takes a combination of both for a health relationship.
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 12:32 AM |
Giving Up Smart
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daisy315
Posts: 4,337
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one point that wasn't touched on.. "smart" does not necessarily have to mean a Rhodes Scholar.. I know lots of very smart people that never had the chance to even go to community college.. they are some of the wisest, most down to earth folks I have ever met.. Street smarts can open doors in alot of places that a PhD can't. Bless her heart, my neice has kept a 4.0 gpa since starting college.. she also has an incredibly high IQ.. I love her to death.. but she has about as much common sense as a walnut.. her mom was in the same boat, ( altho she did get better with age) but she went to college and was highly regarded in her career..
Now, not being book smart does not make one stupid.. ( not all the time, anyway)..  Sister Laz never made it to college, but she's one of the smartest folks I know.. she's a quick study..held an incredibly high stress job in the insurance industry for 13 years.. but, what she lacks in book smarts, she more than makes up for in street smarts..
I haven't figured out where I sit in the equation..
was I rambling again?...
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 1:14 AM |
Giving Up Smart |
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alachuabrian
Posts: 115
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Ouch... dear Rachel -- PLEASE don't make the HUGE mistake of confusing "over-educated" with intelligence. You used the word 'smart'... which only clouds this important distinction.
The most highly-refined product of our post-secondary educational system can rarely be referred to as 'smart' OR 'intelligent'. They are GREAT at reading & memorizing textbooks which are rife with misunderstandings & sometimes, outright lies. They are also great at following instructions to the Letter... even if the outcome of their 'work' is a miserable failure. They are RARELY capable of anything that could be considered THOUGHT, lacking any usable tools or analytical skills. Their heads are FULL of dogma, mysticism, and the well-honed mistakes of the past... repeated ad infinitum.
On the other hand, the TRULY educated (worldly) individual who has made a point of continually refining their own intellect has much to offer. They frequently LACK any advanced credentials, having literally Laughed their BUTT off at the folly of the school system! Their intelligence shines right through in EVERYTHING they do, and their co-workers are frequently impressed with their ability to make short work of something they... "haven't studied".
This same flexibility and "Savoir Faire" benefits relationships as much as any other aspect of daily life.
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 5:42 AM |
Giving Up Smart
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newlife2006
Posts: 613
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I guess that's exactly what the author is trying to say - i.e. that she figured out how society confuses education with intelligence. .. 
Education can be bought, while intelligence is something one should be born with.
Education cannot possibly make anyone "more intelligent" , and there's nothing worse than educated fool...  And the author is sharing her experience with sorting those ( educated fools ) out - they tend to acquire arrogance and vanity towards the other people, which is the first sign of lack of intelligence, I agree.
And, just like Rachel, I'll take "wise heart" and "street smart" over any "advanced degree" in my potential mate anytime...
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 6:30 AM |
Giving Up Smart |
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katydid438
Posts: 6,783
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We have many highly educated men up here who work at the nuclear reseach facility. Although some are intimidating, the majority are very wellrounded and interesting.
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 7:03 AM |
Giving Up Smart
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Blondino
Posts: 4,269
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 Giving Up Hope
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 3:00 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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capitalview
Posts: 675
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I agree that education only makes sense when combined with intelligence.
And if education affects one's personality in negative way , it's for sure a sign of lack of intelligence. Though, I cannot agree with newlife - still it's better to deal with educated fool than with non-educated one
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 3:56 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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Snappygoddess
Posts: 3,818
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Finding the right partner doesn't and shouldn't have to be about giving up anything
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 6:22 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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loisday
Posts: 1,333
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^^^What Snappy said.................. 
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 6:28 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,343
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Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!
It should be about synergy, both being more together than apart..if you have to become less than you were, it's probably a mistake.
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| Jun 17, 2007 @ 6:30 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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signme
Posts: 9,590
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I was never overly interested in highly intellectual men anyway. My b/f quit school in 10th grade. He went back later to get his GED. He's a truck driver but doggone he can make sense out of technical manuals like nobody else I've ever seen. He speaks computer-ese with ease and understands all those manuals and programs that make my head spin. I'm a college grad and a teacher but have relatively little common sense I and cannot read anything technical to save my life. So we make a good pair. You need to find someone who complements you, that's how you make the relationship work.
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| Jun 18, 2007 @ 12:43 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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newlife2006
Posts: 613
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capitalview
....still it's better to deal with educated fool than with non-educated one
The point is - uneducated fools are easier to avoid , it's educated ones I have to deal with in my line of work on daily basis. And Rachel is right about them - there's really nothing worse than stuck-up idiot to deal with Just like cosmetics, which highlights existing beauty rather then creates it, education makes irresistible combination with intelligence , but combined with natural stupidity it does nothing but magnifying it 
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| Jun 19, 2007 @ 7:42 AM |
Giving Up Smart |
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JayBird747
Posts: 728
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uneducated fools are easier to avoid , it's educated ones
Which kind are you?
Just like cosmetics, which highlights existing beauty rather then creates it,
Are you wanting to give us lessons? I hear Morticia Adams & Lillian Munster is needing more a yer beauty advising.
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| Jun 19, 2007 @ 1:18 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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newlife2006
Posts: 613
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 Not of YOUR type, that's for sure , jay-da-pooperissimo
I should admit , you slipped my mind when I stated that one type is more tolerable than the other, sorry about it. You are obviously the living proof that both types should be avoided by all means.
And ,please, stop running up your blood pressure - nobody is going to compete with your cosmetic sales here, so don't get jealous. I wish your AVON business all the best 
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| Jun 19, 2007 @ 1:46 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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Loreli
Posts: 20,319
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JAY! You lied to me!
You told me it was MaryKay, cuz ya wanted the pink car for me.
(do I have to give it back?)
People should be who they are, like who they like, and never give up selves- maybe just things.
It's both a mind and heart.
And a nice butt 
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| Jun 19, 2007 @ 2:33 PM |
Giving Up Smart
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jamminjerry
Posts: 3,780
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the O P starts of with the same simplistic approach. trying to meld the 2 very distinctively factors of "smart" and "education" in my 45 some odd years of actually paying attention to organized education, i cannot recall any that exceeded the 12th grade as being smart. my Ex had approximately18+ years of organized education and did not impress me with being smart. she like so many others rarely pursue their "field of endeavor". she became a nurse! LOL the Op also relates intellect to education. another fallacy. but logical. most simple folk do. but, i will confess that i have the same or a simular approach to finding a mate. it would be very cool if she was as smart or even smarter than I. LOL another note, i have been waiting a very long time for some "educated fool" to say to me "jammin, your Mensa card has expired" 45$ a year! for what? bullstuff! say, its been awhile, has the annual went up?
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| Jun 19, 2007 @ 6:33 PM |
Giving Up Smart |
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JayBird747
Posts: 728
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Posts: 7424 JAY! You lied to me!
You told me it was MaryKay, cuz ya wanted the pink car for me.
(do I have to give it back?)
Nah, nah, best cosmetoligical advise fer NoLife is one them paper bags from Wal-mart
People should be who they are, like who they like, and never give up selves- maybe just things.
It's both a mind and heart.
And a nice butt
I like yer nice butt, does that count?
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