| Jan 3 @ 10:26 AM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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With more and more independent women having more to offer when getting into a long-term relationship, how should one look at the sacrifices invloved?
Example: A couple decides that marriage is in the near future and they start dicussing options (relocation, jobs, etc). The woman has a house, good job, limited family, etc. The man lives with family/roomies, good job, etc. You decide to meet half way and talk about getting an apartment so you both have the same travel time back and forth to work.
The man living with the woman is not an option due to his travel time to work being close to 1 1/2 hrs. and therefore leaves her either selling or renting her house.
Woman sacrifices: Putting her house up for sale or renting it out, adding on about an hour worth of travel time due to a split shift, limits seeing her friends due to moving farther away, possible job transfer OR find a new job completely AND giving up some of her independence as far as having something to fall back on in case things do not work out (she has no family).
His sacrifices: Adding on a 15 minute drive to work everyday.
In this case, the man still sees his immediate family/friends due to working close to where they reside and can stop in at anytime, he has the security of them being there for him (having a net) in case things do not pan-out AND transfer of his job OR getting another one is not an option due to years of service, etc.
Is the woman giving to much or should it not matter? If so, then how can a compromise be discussed/made?
PS....Advice such as "Never get involved in a LDR" is good but not helpful since she (my cousin) is already totally involved.
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| Jan 3 @ 12:35 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 8,063
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You decide to meet half way and talk about getting an apartment so you both have the same travel time back and forth to work.
 ....
(she) adding on about an hour worth of travel time due to a split shift,
and what does this mean??
15 minute drive to work..X4 ??
limits seeing her friends due to moving farther away, possible job transfer OR find a new job completely AND giving up some of her independence as far as having something to fall back on in case things do not work out (she has no family). vs..
...the man still sees his immediate family/friends due to working close to where they reside and can stop in at anytime, he has the security of them being there for him (having a net) in case things do not pan-out AND transfer of his job OR getting another one is not an option due to years of service, etc.
and just where is the problem here??? It reads like you are creating one...
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| Jan 3 @ 12:51 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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finding someone to love is not easy...I have always said Id move....and I would. The only thing that would ever stop me would be my sons...but they have their own lives now.......
I would give up my job, house.....it all, to have my heart held......
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| Jan 3 @ 12:54 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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Problem?
She will see her limited family/friends maybe once or twice a month whereas nothing has changed for him, her giving up her house/residence which is her nest egg and security blanket whereas he has family who would take him in right away if it goes sour, he still has his same job and always will whereas she will most definitly have to change jobs (btw.....the answer to your question about an hour in her drive to work is YES....15 minutes X 4).
She is just going over the pros and cons and seeing what HE is willing to sacrifice. It seems one-sided to her and she is concerned. Also being independent, this makes it hard for her to think of giving up some of that and be dependent on him.
I, on the other hand, advised her of possibly getting a pre-nup?!?!? 
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| Jan 3 @ 12:57 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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Painter, thank you!!!!! 
I will make sure that my cousin reads this thread and maybe it will help her instead of hearing it from me....family can be funny that way.
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| Jan 3 @ 1:08 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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Tell her to listen to her heart....and all will be ok...........
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| Jan 3 @ 4:07 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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KAOS2007
Posts: 6,707
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I've always given more, I thought that was the norm 
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| Jan 3 @ 5:02 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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I guess that is the norm...but with my cousin being engaged twice in the past (one ended due to him being an alocoholic and the other cheated on her), she is looking for a 50/50 relationship this time around.
I think that she has mentioned something to her bf about how she is feeling about this....communication is key and I can kinda see where she is coming from. She is willing to sacrifice almost everything where he is sacrificing a 15 minute difference in travel time to work. Go figure?
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| Jan 3 @ 5:04 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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KAOS2007
Posts: 6,707
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I guess the key point is, "she's willing".
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| Jan 3 @ 5:07 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 8,637
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Every relationship is one sided in one way or another. That is to be expected. But if someone is worth it to you.....who is keeping track? I certainly wouldn't.
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| Jan 3 @ 5:09 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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capitalview
Posts: 675
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Why, that's exactly what pre-nups are for. Just let their respective lawyers work on the agreement and see that both parties' intertests/security are taken care of. It would be unwise to enter the marriage feeling being taken advantage of. 
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| Jan 3 @ 5:10 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 14,546
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Sometimes relationships are 50-50. Sometimes 90-10.
As long as you're not the one continually taking the 90 and
giving the 10...there should be some equity there.
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| Jan 3 @ 5:33 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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Snappygoddess
Posts: 3,818
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Equal giving and taking is the key..but not always the case.
I was married before for 20 yrs and quite honestly, it was mostly me giving and him taking. Emotionally, physically, financially. I was one of those "good little wives" that wanted to make my marriage work, and also, I saw my mother the same way with my father....she gave and gave and he sucked the life right out of her until cancer took her for good. So...I thought it was the norm for so many years. And then he was terminally ill, so I could not make the decision to divorce him and leave with his two children.
I gave because I wanted to....and then it became a daily habit born out of desire to survive emotionally. He killed my desire to love, laugh and just plain he happy. And I let him! That will not happen again ever again....I know my worth now and no one is worth me giving up who I am!
I am in a marriage of 18 months now and the love, trust, communication and respect we have for each other has soothed any scars from the past. We give as equally as possible and NOTHING is taken for granted between us. We feel that we are blessed to have each other and want nothing to ever shake that foundation.
If you are happy being the giver...that is your personal choice. Just make sure its a choice you can live with and it doesnt take the life out of you.
Being in a relationship should make you happy, peaceful, loved, and safe... not drained and feeling like you are not worthy of anyones love unless you are "earning" it!
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| Jan 3 @ 5:34 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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Loreli
Posts: 20,319
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Someone always has to give something.
That's the nature of the beast.
Driving distance of a small amount definitely shouldn't be an issue. Other things might be.
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| Jan 3 @ 7:24 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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JMO: she's giving up too much and selling her house would be really friggin' stupid...renting it out would be the only option. I'm also personally opposed to cutting ones self off from their family and friends.
I'm extremely biased on this subject (I admit it!) and think that she should look out for her own best interests first. If the things she has accomplished for herself are vitally important to her, she should not compromise them.
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| Jan 3 @ 7:56 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,346
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Yup, what she said. Ex-bf's prior relationship was similar to the one described, but he was the one making the sacrifices. Fortunately he was bright enough to rent his house out rather than sell it, so when she said she wanted to end it, he didn't take quite as much of a financial bath as he could have.
I'm with Snappy - it's fun spoiling someone but it's no fun anymore when it's taken for granted. Better to find someone who's willing to take turns being spoiler and spoilee. 
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| Jan 3 @ 8:05 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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Loreli
Posts: 20,319
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I guess common sense is to go where there is a house, it's being bought, family and kids are around. But sometimes true love prevails, taking in other variables.
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| Jan 3 @ 8:12 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,346
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Heck, in today's society it's not just about true love either, but job opportunities. I was one of about a hundred people who relocated from various parts of the country to work here in Phoenix. We ALL had to give up having family close by, sold our homes and went west (most of us, some moved east).
It's like everything in life, you need to decide not just what's important but what's MOST important. A lot of us are women, and most are married - those couples all had to decide whether to stay where they were so he'd be employed, or whether to move here where she was employed and have him go job hunting. I'll tell ya, we had a few house husbands for quite a while till they found jobs. Oddly enough, EVERY marriage has survived, no matter who made the sacrifices...but these are all mature, intelligent folks who understand their priorities.
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| Jan 3 @ 8:25 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER
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kattsmeow
Posts: 21,282
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, but job opportunities 
Yep, Haban tried to find work some where within a 4-5 hour distance from my family. Nothing.
What I did for a living could and can be done anywhere.
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| Jan 3 @ 8:43 PM |
SACRIFICES: WHEN ONE GIVES MORE THAN THE OTHER |
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Laidback742
Posts: 3,432
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When I was in high school, 2 of my best friends were a guy and girl that were dating each other. Their biggest problem was that, with each other, they couldn't give even a tiny bit more than they thought they should get in return. Nothing was ever "give a little .... just because" .... if they both threw some change together to buy a candy bar, they had to split the candy bar according to how much they had contributed .... if they both put money in the gas tank, they had to divide the driving time up according to how much gas money they had put in .... they never got the idea, the attitude, the understanding that sometimes you give a little more once in awhile .... sometimes the other one gives a little more .... a relationship should always balance itself out from the giving from each side .... you do things because you have to, want to, and "just because" .... a sacrifice isn't always a bad thing, but more a display of what something means to you, to give up or do without so that you can go forward .... doing it willingly is what love is about.
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