| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:12 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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Hello everyone. I am in a 3 month LDR and am concerned about my BF being taken advantage of by his family financially. He currently lives with his family (mom, dad, brother, sister) due to a divorce and he is getting back on his feet. I only see him maybe 1-2 times a week and he works 2 jobs.
His sister, that lives at home, recently had neck surgery and is on disability. She is known to not be able to hold down a job (please note that this woman is 40 years old!!!!!). Xmas was just over and they both went to the store yesterday. She wanted a couple video's and asked him to purchase them for her on his credit card and she would pay him back. After he told me this he then said that even if she didn't pay him back it would not matter cause she is family. Then he mentioned to me that he had to go pick up dinner for everyone after a long day on the job (that can get expensive for 5 people) and that they were going to reimburse him when he got home. Knowing him, if they said "how much do we owe you" his response would be "don't worry about it". Either he feels obligated because he is currently living with them or that is just his good nature. Either way, I see this as destructive and not a good quality. His parents know of our future plans and his mom told him that he better start saving his money....go figure? That is like calling the kettle black.
He told me that this Saturday instead of us getting together he wants to spend some time with his family. I, of course, said that it was fine but then he told me that his sister mentioned something about wanting to go out and see a movie. So now your telling me that he is probably going to be taking his sister out on a DATE? Possibly paying her way and maybe even his brothers if he decides to go? Next thing you know is that he will come to me and say that he cannot go out on a date with me cause he doesn't have the money cause his sister asked for a loan. 
In a past relationship, my ex was the same way but gave money to his family like it grew on trees. It got to the point where we could not pay our own bills. With him knowing this, he still continued. I ended the relationship. I definitly do not want to go through this again. I also do not want to come across as mean or selfish....I am concerned of this behaviour continuing once we become more serious (possible tie the knot, etc).
I plan on talking to him this afternoon (if not I will leave a voicemail) and I do not know how to present myself about this concern of mine. It bothers the heck outta me........I need your advice.... 
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:18 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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I’d say that after only 3 months and nothing beyond an LDR, that you should not be concerned with his finances. You‘re not even dating him yet much less marrying him or mingling your financial lives.
I would say it another way (like his finances are really none of your business at this point in the relationship), but I don’t want to be mean. 
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[Edited on 1/13/2008 3:22 PM]
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:20 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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Frankly, Stubby, what he does with his money is his business whether you like it or not. 3 months isn't long but it is long enough for you to draw up a "pros" and "cons" list when it comes to your boyfriend's behaviors.
It's not your role to tell him how to live! Yes, you can tell him your concerns...you should! But as to what he does about them is out of your hands.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:26 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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One more point I meant to add...
If the guy has financial habits that are not compatible with yours, you should definitely consider whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. Being financially compatible is one of the most important aspects of a long term relationship.
You didn’t mention how old this guy is but I’m not sure how much it really matters. My observation is that people’s financial habits tend to remain the same throughout their adult lives and rarely change.
[Edited on 1/13/2008 3:28 PM]
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:27 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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I would like to tell him of my concerns but I just do not know how to present it. I do not want to come off as being rude or controlling but then again, I  am concerned if this behaviour continues in the future. I'm just not good at presenting such things....my volcabulary is not the best either..any ideas?
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:30 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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My personal view is that I would not tell him my concerns. If I were him, I would consider that it isn’t any of your business at this point in our relationship.
That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.
I think it is YOU who should decide if you want to pursue the relationship based on what you know or whether you have ”been there done that” and seen enough to know that you would be subjecting yourself the same issue all over again.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:40 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,699
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Let me add a point no one has mentioned. You say he is living with his family, presumably rent free. Don't you think that he should be contributing something? Buying dinner, a couple of movies, and taking some of the family out for a movie hardly compares with what it would cost him to maintain his own place. He's getting off cheap, and he probably knows it.
I'm sure that you think he should be spending all his money on you, but he owes his family, and I think he's doing the right thing.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 3:56 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,628
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Touch,,,  Thats what i was thinking too.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:02 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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Angel178
Posts: 36,333
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Maybe he feels like his family "saved" him in his time of need and he is trying to give a little back...isn't that what families do?
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:13 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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stubby71
Posts: 50
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ToucherinSparks: I'm sorry that you have a bad habit of 'PRESUMING" things and pre-judging people...I am sure you are use to being wrong with many of your presumptions.....I am, in fact, the opposite as far as wanting him to spend most or all of his money on me.....something I am sure you are not use to hearing, eh?
We see each other 1-2 times a week. I have, on many an occasion, gone to the point of telling him that instead of taking me out for a night of dinner, movie and dancing that a night watching a flick at my house and me cooking would be just as nice. I could be selfish like most women and take advantage of his good nature (supposedly like his family is) and think why cant I suck him dry as well? I'm sorry but I do not and will not drop down to their level. 
If anything, I would tell him that I think we should not see each other this week just to make sure that he has the funds to spend on them and not me. For I am just his GF and family comes first.
His family knows what lies ahead. He has one more payment to the divorce lawyer and then he starts the proceedings of getting an annulment (costs anywhere from $800-$1500). I certainly understand his future financial burdens and I want to help by NOT being labeled as the sefish money-hungry girlfriend....whereas his sister (primarily) seems she could care less of his financial situation.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:13 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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Queenofcups
Posts: 19
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I plan on talking to him this afternoon (if not I will leave a voicemail)
I forget how to quote properly so forgive me. :)
You would seriously leave how you feel about this situation on voicemail? Come on! 
I also wonder how he would feel about you asking a bunch of strangers about his personal situation. ( just saying)
Maybe he feels this is a way to compensate for moving back into his families house. Regardless it is his decision. You are too new into the relationship to say anything. The man is a big boy 
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:15 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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Empath
Posts: 5,288
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Touch I think the same as well. Yes, Angel, that's what families should do. 
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:17 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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Angel178
Posts: 36,333
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Em
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:17 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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MissClitora
Posts: 136
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Wait one minute honey.....In my family....nobody keeps track. We DO NOT owe each other. Andthing purchased given/loaned is a gift of love. Period. We don't play that way. It all comes out in the wash.
I am sure we are not the only people who feel this way. Good for him if he is going to spend some time with his sister. What if it was his friends? Would that be any different?
Some of us enjoy giving and doing for otheres. Especially if you are working two jobs. sometimes special treats are all you have to give if you are short on time. There is nothing wrong with that.
Be careful not to so quickly judge him or his family. If you can't like or enjoy the things that he enjoys. Walk away.
And I would strongly suggest against mentioning your negative comments about the people that he loves.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:19 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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Angel178
Posts: 36,333
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It's time for a commercial break 
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:26 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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minky
Posts: 261
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I say it is a bit early on to judge the outcome of this situation.
I would just enjoy his company, but keep my wallet closed.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:40 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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The best answer to this kind of situation is to earn enough money yourself so that you don’t have to worry about it.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:41 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,333
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Nobody likes the chicken dance?
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:44 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something?
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ToucherinSparks
Posts: 6,699
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It's the wrong dance Angel, everybody knows he should be doing the Funky Chicken.
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| Jan 13, 2008 @ 4:45 PM |
BF Family Taking Advantage of Him or Is It His Doing? Should I Say Something? |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,333
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Ohhhh, sorry
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