| Apr 27 @ 6:59 AM |
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leprichaun_magic
Posts: 570
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yes ..its true . females seem to keep going on .giving even to the detriment of our own health...such good advice .from ladies contributing here...> moderation in all things.People dont see you as any less caring ,if you give less time ..in fact ..its "Quality not Quantity,,we should aim for?
A friend quoted to me once .."the graveyard is full of people who thought they were Indespensible.."..and that s probably true.!
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| Apr 29 @ 9:10 AM |
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SpiritEnergy
Posts: 16,988
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JMHO, just in case someone decides I am squabbling.... what I have learned as a compulsive giver is compassion is truly wonderful but NOT all it is cracked up to be. Everyone has their life path. That is so very true. Some people do tend to follow everything that is said by everyone else thinking it is the right thing to do because they don't think highly of themselves and feel uneducated.
Lack of education is not wrong or bad. It just is. MANY people sharing their education is good. If it resonates with you, you are often more likely to remember it and take it to heart.
What I personally have learned about giving and compassion is it has another name. One not so positive. It is also called appeasing. Someone tell you to give until it hurts? They have an agenda, more than likely. Perhaps they are on the receiving end. Or maybe it is THEIR life path to give and give. No matter what I say, it does not make anything true for anyone else. If it hurts, well dang it all it HURTS!
Now if you LIKE pain, go for it. If you like LOVE, go for that. You cannot BUY love by giving. Friends that have to be always 'paid' to get anything from are not friends. They are energy vampires. Self interest is NOT being selfish. It is NOT wrong to love yourself. What is within is without. If you do not have it within your heart, you can't give it. Give to yourself first because you cannot give from an empty bucket. You also cannot make someone else give to you.
If you have to prime someone else to give you love by giving to them, you are paying for love. And love cannot be bought. Never. It is only rented. When you stop paying the rent on it, you get evicted. If it feels uncomfortable to you to give to yourself, there are things to do to heal that for you. If you do not WANT to receive, guess what, you are blocking the in vents. How will you get that most healing relationship if you CANNOT receive?
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| Apr 29 @ 11:59 AM |
The Believer Achievers Club
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Loreli
Posts: 20,313
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Red "My belief is that the truth is a truth until you organize it, and then becomes a lie. I don't
think that Jesus was teaching Christianity, Jesus was teaching kindness, love, concern,
and peace. What I tell people is don't be Christian, be Christ like. Don't be Buddhist, be
Buddha like."
"Religion is orthodoxy, rules and historical scriptures maintained by people over long
periods of time. Generally people are raised to obey the customs and practices of that
religion without question. These are customs and expectations from outside the person
and do not fit my definition of spiritual
Thank you-I like that! 
I never had enough money to "throw after" someone to have their love. But I was a Union rep for 25 years, helping people with anything from medical to abuse to discipline. I loved it...I also got involved with my daughter's medical group, and help at school. 
And I have been skipping the bathroom first thing...but whatever I choose to do for another had better be quick! 
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| Apr 29 @ 2:56 PM |
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marylou
Posts: 10,629
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Even in this day and age of liberated women.....there are still women who will put up with all kinds of abuse from their husbands...or boyfriends or partners or whatever. They keep on forgiving them.....time and time again......yet the abuse continues. And if it is one or two of your friends and you try and make them aware that they are being abused and dont have to tolerate it. They get on the defensive then.......and get cranky with you for pointing it out. But they still come complaining....its like a viscious circle and they cant brake the mould....thats how it seems.....very sad realy.
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| Apr 29 @ 4:39 PM |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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Loreli, I really like that quote too...If you get the chance to watch him on PBS (they have
him on from time to time) jump on it, he really is facinating as a speaker.
It sounds to me that you my friend Have found work that is indeed Play!
Marylou, abuse Is a sad thing...By listening to your friend and letting her know that you
are there for her, you Are helping. One of the things about abusers is that they want
to isolate the person they are abusing...Didn't have to read about this in a book since
I have experienced this first hand. I know it's hard to watch someone you care about
go through something like this, but at such times is just when your friend needs you
the most.
Leprichaun Magic, I love that quote..."the graveyard is full of people who thought
they were Indespensible" No, we are not Indespensible, but we Are Unique!
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| Apr 30 @ 12:28 AM |
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SpiritEnergy
Posts: 16,988
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What I have noticed about SOME people that 'are abused' is often they are abusing others with their abusive or victim situation. Not all, ok? So do not lump all in this group. Many people use their victimhood for attention. I have a friend that I talk with a lot and she and I know the same person. When the person continuously complains how much she is abused blah blah and we both tell her we no longer want to listen to it, the 'Victim' suddenly does something about it, immediately when we get tired of listening and cut it off.
Once 'Victims' lose their audience, they tend to change. It is enabling people to continually listen to the same things over and over again. It is also not healthy for the listener, it drags the listener down and saps their energy and depresses them. Then the 'Victim' often feels all full of energy because of all the attention he/she got and they have hit their stride leaving you in the gutter.
Having boundaries is healthy. Allowing people to use you for their own dumping grounds is not. However, if that is what you want to do...allow others to use you to dump their crap, do not be surprised when you too end up complaining all the time.
The best thing for your productivity is to stand up for yourself and reject being the one dumped on. What I did with a family member was tell her that I could not deal with all my crap and her crap as well. That it overwhelmed me. I also eventually blurted out that if she would please call me when something good happened it would also help. I never ever heard from her about any good that ever happened in her life.
I did not hear from her for three weeks and I was a bit worried she was pissed at me or worse, hurt. The phone finally rang and she was on it. I cringed waiting to hear more bad news. Instead, haltingly at first then finally more fluently (after all, she had NO practice) she was telling me about something good that had happened to her.   
When I asked her why she hadn't called me for so long, she reminded me I requested that she not call me until she had something good to tell me.   It has been a wonderful relationship ever since.  By the way, she is HIGHLY entertaining and funny now. She just needed to be encouraged in the positive.
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| Apr 30 @ 1:20 AM |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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From the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness website
http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/helpfriend.html
How to Help a Friend Who is Being Abused
Know the facts about relationship abuse.
Assure her that you believe her story.
Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
Do not judge or give advice.
Talk to her about her options.
Physical safety is the first priority.
If you believe she is in danger, tell her.
Help her create a safety plan.
Respect her right to confidentiality.
Let her know you care and want to help.
Don't be upset if your friend doesn't react the way you think she should.
Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well.
People who are being controlled by their partner's behavior must consider
many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety.
Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
Domestic violence is a crime.
She does not cause the abuse.
She is not to blame for her partner's behavior.
She cannot change her partner's behavior.
Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
She is not alone.
Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.
It is helpful to provide support to survivors.
However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and
even dangerous for her to hear:
Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Don't suggest you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.
Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Never recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse.
It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.
Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if they want counseling.
If you are in Any doubt as to what to do, seek advice from people who ARE
trained and knowledgeable on Abuse. I am appalled that some women don't
seem to care about the women who do have this happening to them, let's all
hope that it Never happens to you.
[Edited on 4/30/2008 1:29 AM]
[Edited on 4/30/2008 1:32 AM]
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| May 1 @ 2:59 AM |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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OMG...I just saw a lady on Alaska Magazine...she didn't have arms and she was actually
Beading! Gads, that's not so easy for me and I have two. She has her own business
and drives along with everything else...it was really inspiring and totally fascinating... 
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| May 1 @ 1:57 PM |
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SpiritEnergy
Posts: 16,988
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I guess this thread isn't ready for reincarnation.
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| May 1 @ 5:43 PM |
The Believer Achievers Club |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
from the Sufi
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| May 12 @ 7:30 AM |
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melodygirl
Posts: 9
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yes if you react positively,and ignore negativity,the whole dynamic of the situation changes[in your favor
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| May 14 @ 6:21 PM |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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Thanks Melodygirl...That's always what I have thought, and I do have good Karma
Hey, you are fairly close...only Slightly over 800 miles...heeheehee, most I talk to are
on the other side of the country.
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| May 14 @ 9:14 PM |
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dooney123
Posts: 3,446
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I didn't read the link, but I do think that being a positive person is a reinforcing thing. You get back what you put out there. This year all sorts of great things happened. I got a great new job (Dec of last year actually), I got engaged, and I passed a very difficult professional certification exam. I don't things are an accident. They happen for a reason.
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| Jul 19 @ 8:28 AM |
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melodygirl
Posts: 9
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thats interesting Dooney ,actually I dont call that "by accident" raher Destiny :) 
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| Aug 25 @ 12:45 PM |
The Believer Achievers Club
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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Dooney however you want to slice it you are doing something right, that's for sure.
As Buddha said...
We are what we think
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakeable.
How can a troubled mind understand the way?
Your worst enemy cannot harm you
as much as your own thoughts unguarded.
But once mastered,
No one can help you as much,
Not even your father or your mother.
Buddha
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| Aug 25 @ 12:55 PM |
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Loreli
Posts: 20,313
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But once mastered,
No one can help you as much,
Not even your father or your mother.
Buddha
Please don't take this wrong, but that almost sounds like brainwashing 
I think people should live to be accountable for themselves, their children.
Families should never not part of helping one anotherJMHO  
I hope this thread does stay up...
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| Aug 28 @ 1:10 AM |
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Redwicket
Posts: 161
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I think the message is that you are responsible for your own life, and all that happens
in it...Control your thoughts and You control your life. No brainwashing, just the opposite.
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