| Apr 22, 2008 @ 1:13 AM |
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j_goose
Posts: 2,911
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Would you date someone that was merely separated and not yet divorced?
To me that's something that throws up a bit of a flag.
Thoughts?
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 1:33 AM |
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redhairNfreckles
Posts: 4,694
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Nope, separated means still married in my book.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 2:10 AM |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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Yep, big red flag...and I might "date" someone who hadn't been divorced at least a year, but I definitely would avoid a relationship with them.
(I'd hang out with them in a group setting, maybe...not anything that could be construed as a "date" or "personal -- I learned my lesson on that one once upon a time  )
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 7:26 AM |
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DipityDoo
Posts: 377
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I did; we started before the papers were signed; they were still coming to the financial agreement.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 7:32 AM |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,331
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Dosen't it depend on the situation?
I was separated for a year and a half before the final divorce. I had no intentions of going back to him....it was just that we would go to court and he would come up with some reason not to sign. I know others who were separated far longer than I was. 
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 8:26 AM |
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mailorderannie
Posts: 6,021
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Yeah, it depends on the circumstances for me as well. I know people who's divorces took FOREVER so I think its important to find out why they aren't divorced yet AND to see if they have emotionally moved on.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 8:33 AM |
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Gman762
Posts: 3,291
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Would you date someone that was merely separated and not yet divorced?
It would really, really depend on the circumstances. I do lean towards "no" however.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 8:37 AM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
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Once the legal process is begun, unless there is documented 'abuse' it can take anywhere from 8 months to 2 years. And how long before that, do you think things have been bad before the proceedings began? People can live in the same house and be living totally separate lives, aside from some mutual antagonism and shared expenses.
Of course, there can be people just looking to get laid, too.
Which isn't likely over the internet, but sure, it's a possibility.
If there are small children at home involved, that's a red flag, to me.
Good luck to you, goose.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 8:48 AM |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,401
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I agree with Gman.
Depends on length of time they've been separated, if papers had really been filed.
And, if you've ever been strung along by someone claiming they WILL get a divorce, but never do...you'd understand 
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 8:59 AM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
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Liars come in all shapes and forms. Doesn't even have to be in a separation/divorce situation. Best to be cautious ALWAYS, imo.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 9:48 AM |
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Gman762
Posts: 3,291
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Depends on length of time they've been separated, if papers had really been filed.
Oh yeah...it's damned easy for a person to write or say whatever they want to on the internet. In many cases, the story line is pure bullshit and it's best to err on the side of caution. They are likely still very married and until proven otherwise, just avoid the situation entirely because life is too short to bother getting your hopes up.
Now, in person and a solid grasp of what the situation really is...that is another matter entirely. The percentages are waaay higher then.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 10:52 AM |
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,628
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It does depend on how long they have been separated. Yes, I think I would after I had met and talked for awhile.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 11:24 AM |
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j_goose
Posts: 2,911
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Once the legal process is begun, unless there is documented 'abuse' it can take anywhere from 8 months to 2 years. And how long before that, do you think things have been bad before the proceedings began? People can live in the same house and be living totally separate lives, aside from some mutual antagonism and shared expenses.
Of course, there can be people just looking to get laid, too.
Which isn't likely over the internet, but sure, it's a possibility.
If there are small children at home involved, that's a red flag, to me.
Good luck to you, goose.
Oh, it's not a situation I'm in or anything, I dropped the hunt long ago.
Just an issue I thought would be good to discuss.
To me,, if you aren't divorced, there's too much potential for unneeded drama. In most cases. Technically, you're still married.
I understand different circumstances would warrant a different decision, but ganerally, I'd stay away.
And if you live in the same house? Nope, no way would I get involved with that.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 12:30 PM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
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And if you live in the same house? Nope, no way would I get involved with that.
Again...when there's a division of property involved, the legal advice is often to not leave until your lawyer says. In a huge house, with no kids involved, there can be one coming, one going and they lead virtually separate lives.
That said...would I want to enter into a relationship of this sort. Honestly? No.
But you can't assume that all situations are the same...can't assume you know the level of drama, or the level of silence, as it would be. Too many variables.
And then again...trust your instincts. You know what they say...your friends wouldn't ask, and your enemies don't believe you anyway.
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 11:29 PM |
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capitalview
Posts: 758
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As long as I don't apply for the position of husband , I can't care less what's the woman's marital status is. And if and when we decide we are a match, then it makes sense to spend money on paperwork, but not before . That's exactly what separation is for - to find a new partner , isn't it?
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| Apr 22, 2008 @ 11:43 PM |
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Makya
Posts: 1,131
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The fact of the matter is, unless you are willing to learn the entire story, you could never know the circumstances.
your friends wouldn't ask, and your enemies don't believe you anyway.
Even if I was to lay it all out completely honest. Would you believe me. Hell I hardly believe it and I'm living through it.
I had no intentions of going back to him
All I want to add to this statement is ever ever ever ever
unless there is documented 'abuse' it can take anywhere from 8 months to 2 years.
And it will cost you serious money to get it done quicker. Unless by the grace of God you find an agency that doesn't give you bulls**t ass reasons as to why they can help everybody else but you. 
If you don't have that money and can't find that agency help quick enough........you are supposed to sit alone at home  and deal with knowing while you weren't the person out sniffing coke, ruining your family's finances and emptying out your wifes bank account when she is the one who has to make sure the family is taken care of cause your coked out ass can't keep a job and even when you do you spend the money in the streets,  society sees you as tainted and untouchable because at this moment you are only "separated". 
The subject just strikes a nerve with me and because society labels me as a "red flag" I did change my profile to say i am only here for friends.  I'll stay alone and do what I have to because i won't have that hanging over my head forever. 
Outside of "society" people in my community and my family don't see me as a "red flag" because they were the ones who helped me when no matter how many hours I worked and no matter how much money I made....... that bastard kept digging a bigger and bigger financial hole for me to dig out of. They were the ones I cried to when the bastard ran off to another city with MY FATHERS CAR! They knew I did everything I possibly could as a wife, and instead of labeling me with a warning sign when all was said and done, they were surprised by the fact that I managed to keep most of it under wraps and handle most of it alone.
Do I wish I had just stayed married so people who didn't know me wouldn't consider me a "red flag" HELL NO! I did what was best for me and my children and don't feel the least bit of regret for it.
If that means I have to be a "red flag" I'll wear it proudly. 
Excuse my rant. I do not mean to offend anyone nor do I mean to imply that anyone is wrong for the way they feel. Your feelings are your feelings and I'm sure you have had past experiences that has shaped your feelings on the topic.
My past experience has shaped mine.  Would I date someone who was simply separated, it depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't flag someone just because i see the word separation, not knowing the circumstances under which they were separated, or the circumstances under which they live.
I will never rant like this again. It is out of my system. Thanx for the therapy. 
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| Apr 23, 2008 @ 12:35 AM |
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grumblebear
Posts: 10,559
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so many things are "Red Flags"... LMAO
In reality, it boils down to trust... when we were young and innocent we trusted so easily, fell for people quickly, believed that "Love" could conquer all...
After we "matured" (became bitter, cold and untrusting), we have our "Red Flags",
I'm not saying being cautious isn't a good thing, We learn to be careful, because of the events in our lives...
hence my belief, "People repeat behaviors", Change is not a normal behavior, especially when we pass "middle age"...
Insanity is repeating a behavior, and expecting a different outcome
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| Apr 23, 2008 @ 12:42 AM |
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Always_Striving
Posts: 8,794
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I have a few times, just make sure that the former spouse isn't a psycho.
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| Apr 23, 2008 @ 12:42 AM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
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That's exactly what separation is for - to find a new partner , isn't it?
Actually, the most important part of that isn't getting a new one...it's getting rid of the old one. If it's not right, it doesn't matter if you find someone else or not.
Mak, I hear you loud and clear. I change my profile from married to separated to single and back again...just b/c I'm being "watched". And if I get close enough to anyone...I am always straight about my situation. If I'm not that close, or feel it's not ever going to matter, I leave my personal business personal.
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| Apr 23, 2008 @ 12:45 AM |
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Makya
Posts: 1,131
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I am always straight about my situation
And thats the thing Pam. I didn't change it from single to separated. I started it at separated and thats where I'll keep it till I can gladly say Divorced. But I am always straight up about my situation.
If I'm not that close, or feel it's not ever going to matter
I leave out the specifics. i don't usually get into it, but I do kinda get tired of being treated like a leper  because people don't know the specifics.
What I posted here is nothing but an insignificant drop of what I went through in my marriage, and I usually won't even share this much. But, for some reason it just struck a nerve with me today.
Anyway, got that out of my system so, from now on I'm reserving specifics for someone I feel really needs to know.
I'm being "watched"
As far as that goes, we all know misery loves company. Brush them haters off girl.
[Edited on 4/23/2008 12:54 AM]
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