| Apr 25, 2008 @ 10:45 AM |
Gentle let-down?
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kingslair
Posts: 8
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I'd be so grateful if someone could help me with this: Yesterday, I met a nice man from another site. We'd talked on the phone several times before this "first date" and I truly enjoyed our conversations. His photo was attractive; he was very articulate; we have similar interests and backgrounds; he sounded like a very vibrant person with a wonderful sense of humor, etc. ... basically, he fit all of my "ideals". When I actually met him for lunch, he was very entertaining, trying very hard to make me laugh (which I did), but he absolutely ruled the conversation in an obnoxious kind of way. He had also changed from the time the photo was taken, not in a bad way for some, but he WAS different ... no longer attractive to me. To make a long story short, for me, the chemistry wasn't there ... not in any way, shape or form. He said he ended his last relationship because the lady was a smoker. I smiled and said, "But I am a smoker ... guess you didn't really read my profile."  Yet, as we were getting up to leave the restaurant, he wanted to set up a date for the following week .... hmmmm???? I was taken aback, but said "okay" because I couldn't think of anything else to say quickly enough, so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. Now I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to see him again ... Quite frankly, I think it would be a waste of time for him and for me, as it has no hope of going anywhere. He definitely would be a good catch for someone who was attracted to him, but I'm not. So where do I go from here? I want to be truthful with him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  What is the best way to let him down gently? Thank you for any and all suggestions.
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 10:58 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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DwainP50
Posts: 5,102
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I would say either send a note or call him just to say that it just isn’t going to work for you and end it there. Making an excuse as to not showing up for the next date will just make you feel dishonest and him thinking that you are a liar. Now if he becomes abusive then just hand up, you did your part in trying to be nice. 
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:14 AM |
Gentle let-down?
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kingslair
Posts: 8
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Thank you Dwain, sincerely, for your suggestions ... You're right: I would never show up for a second date or make a lame excuse. It's just not fair to him, and I wouldn't want to be treated that way either. But if someone called me and said "It just won't work for me", I'd probably want to know why. If he asks why, what do I tell him?
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:18 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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katydid438
Posts: 8,023
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Good idea Dwain 
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:27 AM |
Gentle let-down?
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DipityDoo
Posts: 377
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But if someone called me and said "It just won't work for me", I'd probably want to know why. If he asks why, what do I tell him?
Ah, being put on the spot. The truth, in a gentle sort of way, is the best. Compliment him on the things you liked about him first, tell him you do wish him the best of luck and you're happy he took the time to meet you, but that you have different personalities (or goals, or values, or aspirations) and if he presses further (which is really impolite, in my view, considering you had only one date; that would be refusing to take a hing and being overbearing), tell him you don't feel that 'click'.
Don't worry too much about it; one date is just one date, no one should feel too rejected after that amount of time. It's like going clothes shopping and trying on clothes! It may look good on the rack to you, but when you try it on...it just doesn't do anything for you! 
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:42 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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DwainP50
Posts: 5,102
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If ask and the person represented themselves as being mature then maybe, but then do you really want to go there? It could be taken as a personal attack and go down hill very fast. Are you ready for the ride? Some people can take a rejection like adult and write it off as part of dating but others can see it as a hit on there self esteem and egos. I guess you will have to use your one time meeting him to make a assessment of his demeanor and character to give an explanation as to why you not into him.
DipityDoo gave some good advice too!
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 12:04 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,629
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Thank him for his interest and tell him you enjoyed the conversation.
Hm, so, you are really against a second date? What was it really that turned you off of him? You really sound adiment (sp) about it too.
Usually, if a non smoker dates a smoker, in the back of their mind they are thinking they can get you to quit. I see a red flag here ok?
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 12:48 PM |
Gentle let-down? |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,418
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If you REALLY don't want to see him again, just call-don't write. Tell him nicely you just don't feel a connection...happens all the time. Good luck...
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 7:11 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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Makya
Posts: 1,131
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The truth, in a gentle sort of way, is the best. Compliment him on the things you liked about him first, tell him you do wish him the best of luck and you're happy he took the time to meet you, but that you have different personalities (or goals, or values, or aspirations) and if he presses further (which is really impolite, in my view, considering you had only one date; that would be refusing to take a hing and being overbearing), tell him you don't feel that 'click'.
Nuff said
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 9:18 PM |
Gentle let-down? |
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Always_Striving
Posts: 8,796
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Cut the guy off, and don't be nice about it.
Say..... You are not my type and don't contact me again. If he questions the reasons say: Look, I told you to stop bothering me, don't you get the message?
That should work.
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 9:43 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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A simple "I'm not interested in seeing you again. I did not feel that we had any chemistry" should suffice. That is explaination enough...why do you think you owe him anything more than that? If he questions you, hang up.....you told him the truth, you have nothing to feel badly about...end of story...
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 10:58 PM |
Gentle let-down? |
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lobo65
Posts: 719
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That seems kind of harsh if the guy wasn't a jerk to her. You can use a little more tact than that. If he questions why, then yeah a little more of a blunt statement might need to be used though.
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:11 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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Jankia
Posts: 11,915
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Since your first meeting was done in friendship just call him up,thank him for meeting with you and tell him you hope that he finds the love he is looking for because he is a nice man but you just didnt feel he was the one for yourself.
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:18 PM |
Gentle let-down? |
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lobo65
Posts: 719
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That sounds pretty good.
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| Apr 25, 2008 @ 11:18 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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lell
Posts: 1,458
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just say " I know you were being polite asking to see me again, as there really wasnt any attraction on my part or yours, i do appreciate you being a gentleman but there really isnt any need!" that way you both get to come out of it with a little self respect!!
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| Apr 26, 2008 @ 12:51 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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kingslair
Posts: 8
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See, there really ARE some wonderful people in this world! Thank you ALL for your thoughts and advice. No, he didn't "turn me off" in any way ... he just didn't turn me on, either. Not that I expected to be swept off my feet on the first date, but I did expect to feel something, at least ... which I didn't. So, there you have it. I will call him. Who knows, maybe he'll be relieved too! Thanks again, everyone!
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| May 9, 2008 @ 11:43 PM |
Gentle let-down?
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marylou
Posts: 10,729
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I did not feel that we had any chemistry" should suffice ...yep I agree with Cathy...thats what I always say...*Your a nice man....but I dont feel any chemistry there from my side*. No use prolonging the agony. I have said this many times over.
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| May 10, 2008 @ 1:08 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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katydid438
Posts: 8,023
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I only had this happen a couple of times.
When the second date was mentioned I just let them know that I didn't think that we had enough in common.(now that was my let down)
The let-downs for me by men have usually been very sensible. I can accept that.
Being lied to and used is not gentle.
[Edited on 5/10/2008 1:15 AM]
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| May 10, 2008 @ 1:11 AM |
Gentle let-down?
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marylou
Posts: 10,729
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....but sometimes you can have lots in common with them but stll the chemistry is zilch....
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| May 10, 2008 @ 1:18 AM |
Gentle let-down? |
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katydid438
Posts: 8,023
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So true Marylou but sometimes it's just chemistry an BJ's
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