| Jun 27 @ 12:40 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,017
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I went to a Leisure Learning seminar many years ago on how to marry the rich. The woman teaching it was a good speaker and the course was fun. She had a lot of good points just about dating to offer. One of the standouts was about what you tell about your exes.
Her advice was "Never, never, never tell anyone about how badly you were treated in your past. The thinking is that if s/he loved one who can treat her that badly, how can I know I am loved more unless s/he loves me when I treat her/him even worse?" (OK, not a direct quote, but the gist of the message.)
I really do not know anyone who has never questioned whether they were truly loved by parents, siblings, spouses, friends, God... Most of the people I know grew up in dysfunctional families of one type or another. So we question whether we are loved or even lovable...and we put out our tests. Unfortunately, most of the tests are designed to prove our doubts. Even if our lover should pass the test, we will design tougher and tougher tests because underneath our mask of worthiness is the knowledge of the truth that we were taught by equally insecure parents, siblings, spouses, friends...and the fear that our secret will be revealed and the lover will reject.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a (wo)man, I put away childish things.
Much easier said/written than done...
Have you tested? Been tested?
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| Jun 27 @ 12:48 PM |
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marylou
Posts: 10,329
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All I know is..........surely every woman would know if they are being treated badly or not. I dont see the point in testing anyone.........they either treat me good or they treat me badly........and if they treat me badly......I can surely tell!
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| Jun 27 @ 1:06 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,017
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If your primary love givers -- your parents -- have skewed versions of loving, it is very difficult to understand true loving. If, for instance, your parents loved you by giving you many toys to play with because they did not have time to spend with you or did not want to spend time with you, then loving and being loved perhaps means giving and getting gifts, but not spending time with the lover/loved one.
So, if you meet up with one who feels loved by spending vast amounts of time together, but places no value on giving and getting gifts, you may feel unloved when you do not get gifts or when your gifts are not properly appreciated. And your lover/beloved may feel unloved because you merely give things instead of your time.
That result can happen from ignorance, but that result can also happen after knowledge... If you deliberately withhold from another that which makes him/her feel loved, it is bad treatment, even if there are no bruises.
On the other hand, if you harbor deeply-seated fears of being unloved and unlovable, you may never get enough time, gifts, or whatever it is that lets you feel loved and lovable...
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| Jun 27 @ 1:15 PM |
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marylou
Posts: 10,329
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I see what you mean! I often wonder if my children feel unloved by me. I gave them so much.......but was always busy. I feel I DID spend a lot of time with them......like watching movies with them etc.......taking them to sport....watching them.....takeing them to ballet.......piano and violin lessons and watching them.....and encouraging them. But life seemed to be busy.........tho we did have many holidays together......family outings. But now my adult children rarely see me.....only about 3 times a year. So I often question myself.......as to whether I did spend enough time DOING things with them. Tho looking back...I felt I did......but maybe they felt unloved in some way.
My parents on the other hand........gave me little at christmas or birthday.......yet spent unlimited time with me........DOING things with me......taking me places. So I just dont know. I always knew my parents loved me.......but underneathe......maybe I felt unloved........but I dont think so. Gosh the psychological side can be frightening......now I dont know what to think......  .......
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| Jun 27 @ 1:26 PM |
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happygrlok
Posts: 3,851
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I use to be one of the people testing all the time....when I got of an absuive marriage...I was afraid I would pick the same kind of man again....I decded to do some work on myself....the first thing was to figure out why I married him in the first place....once I had that answer...I had to start looking at my childhood...I did not have good role models for parents...I think they did the best they could with the skills they had....and that is how I think to this day. I had to forgive them and figure out how to become the woman I wanted to be. I learned I had many good qualities and one of them was that I had value. That empowered me to become a woman of strength. I even changed how I was raising my children as I wanted them to grow up with the love and security I did not.
I know in my heart that I am a woman capable of loving and receiving love. I do not feel the need to test any more as I am secure within myself. I did not learn all of this over night...the journey took a few years...but well worth it.
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| Jun 27 @ 1:32 PM |
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doncasto
Posts: 265
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I have been tested so routinely that I have begun to accept it as the norm from any woman I am seeing.
There are degrees of testing . . .some less vicious and destructive than others. I tend to begin looking for the door when the testing devolves to the creation of artificial drama in order to "see how he reacts."
There is also a point at which I would expect the testing to begin to fall off as some level of comfortable trust and faith takes its place. Its still a theory . . .
YMMV
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| Jun 27 @ 1:35 PM |
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marylou
Posts: 10,329
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I am confused with this testing........I mean.......how do you test someone.....give me an example??
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| Jun 27 @ 1:44 PM |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 6,367
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one example is ...having a girlfriend who would never hit on your boyfriend in a million years ..hit on him to see what he would do...
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| Jun 27 @ 1:56 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,017
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My father used to call my mother 'sweetheart' when he was patronizing her, so the word conjures up a feeling of being patronized when any man says it to me. If I let him know that and he continues to call me 'sweetheart' to see if I will make an exception for him, in my opinion that is bad treatment and testing. If he slips up now and then and I have to remind him, or if he uses in an obviously teasing manner, no problem. If he interprets it as a test as to whether I can tell him what to do...again, bad treatment...
OK, yes...we are constantly testing one another...but some tests will break the relationship...and most perhaps are on some level meant to do so.
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| Jun 27 @ 1:57 PM |
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Loreli
Posts: 19,319
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I wouldn't want a seminar on how to marry rich.
Just good, loyal, hardworking, loving.
As far as comparing to a previous lover.... 
I just don't think like that.
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| Jun 27 @ 2:01 PM |
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robodad
Posts: 5,582
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I am confused with this testing........I mean.......how do you test someone.....give me an example?? I guess studying for a urine test is not a good example, huh?
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| Jun 27 @ 2:01 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,017
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I think that the only way we know what love is by comparison to previous love.
What is red? We compare this color to other colors we have seen called red and it looks similar.
In defining love for ourselves, we compare to past 'lovers' -- beginning with our primary lovers, our parents.
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| Jun 27 @ 2:12 PM |
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doncasto
Posts: 265
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Another example . . ."The Quest"
"If you really love me . . ." (sometimes this is an implied rather than spoken part of the test) . . ."you will so this.*insert worthiness quest/test here* for me"
This might be something like asking a person (perhaps like me) to "Go into the Landmark Tavern and carve our initials in the wood of one of the booths." It designated place of carving might not be familiar enough to the person on this Quest (again perhaps like me) for him to know if this was an acceptable activity for patrons in this establishment . . .or whether it was a sure way to get one's asche kicked.
With no desire to inflict the sordid details upon my fellow MD members, I will just say that a person confronted with a Quest of this sort might have been wise to "Take it under advisement."
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| Jun 27 @ 2:14 PM |
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kattsmeow
Posts: 20,882
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I think that the only way we know what love is by comparison to previous love.
I look to my parents and how they loved, and loved us. That is what I set my score by and it has always worked for me.
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| Jun 27 @ 2:17 PM |
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Jalon
Posts: 787
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Very interesting topic and approach. When I think of just how many people are dysfunctional in one way or another (myself included) it's a wonder anyone ever gets together! Is dysfunction the new function?
I think the amount of "testing" one administers to a love interest is directly proportional to the level of personal healing they've achieved. I think a little testing is human nature but as Doncasto mentioned, is out of control when involving artificial drama.
Ultimately, you have to be content with where you've been and who you are and in turn, involved with people in a similar place. Thus, it's an open book test.
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| Jun 27 @ 2:19 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,017
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I look to my parents and how they loved, and loved us. That is what I set my score by and it has always worked for me.
I too look to my parents and how they loved, and loved us. That is what I set my score by and it has rarely worked for me...at least in ways that leave me feeling wonderful...
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| Jun 27 @ 2:21 PM |
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kattsmeow
Posts: 20,882
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I guess I must be in the minority. My parents loved and knew how to give love.
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| Jun 27 @ 2:25 PM |
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LaughTillYaPuke
Posts: 1,822
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My father too. Solid parental figure. Very loving. Supportive.
But I see your point. I will forever base men against that one loving man. 
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| Jun 27 @ 2:26 PM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 13,930
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Aw, Tilly....hugs, honey...  
"If you really love me . . ." (sometimes this is an implied rather than spoken part of the test) . . ."you will so this.*insert worthiness quest/test here* for me"
Does anyone really use that line anymore? 
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| Jun 27 @ 2:30 PM |
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doncasto
Posts: 265
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Does anyone really use that line anymore?
From what little I can recall of recent personal experience . ..as of last fall the answer is yes.
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