| Jun 29 @ 12:21 AM |
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Loreli
Posts: 20,103
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they expect something in return -- and I knew he was not talking about my good company...
Wow-I'm glad my Dad din't scare me with that... 
How many times has it been said that a prostitute was a great alternative to dating I've never heard it....and must be some pretty sorry specimens that believe it.
No offense, Lacy-I think you are smart....and that class ridiculous 
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| Jun 29 @ 12:16 PM |
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dooney123
Posts: 3,444
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Testing is a sign of insecurity. If I felt like someone in a relationship was testing me, I'd move on. I like guys that are secure about themselves.
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| Jun 29 @ 3:36 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,257
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No offense, Lacy-I think you are smart....and that class ridiculous
This thread was not intended to be about the class. That class was many, many years ago. I never married anyone rich... I did tell though, how badly I had been treated by a man I loved...and I was tested...and perhaps did some testing of my own...and it reminded me of the class, and so I used the class as a stepping off place.
Of course testing is a result of insecurities -- and it is generally aimed at insecurities as well. The point of testing is always to relieve the insecurity, but in fact the testing will nearly always create greater insecurity -- if s/he passed the test, perhaps the test was not difficult enough.
A friend once said about putting up with someone's bad behavior 'It's like shit: it is warm and familiar, but it is still shit.' Having our insecurities confirmed is familiar -- often literally originating from the family -- and because those insecurities have been so frequently confirmed by people who profess to love us, the test results can be very confusing. If angering daddy brought about silence and abandonment, and we 'test' by angering, if we get silence and abandonment, s/he loves like daddy, but if we get clear communication and a discussion of issues and sex in reconciliation, well, does s/he really love? or is this just a means of getting sex?
OK, so I (and he) have done a great deal of analysis/self-examination over the years and we have that anger thing all figured out...but then something else comes up...and it is so subtle that we scarcely know it until it has exploded...
Dad and Mom did the best they could with what they had and knew (probably) but the messages they imprinted are layered like an onion, and when I have worked through this layer, I find joy and security for a time and then...I find myself again tested, or testing...whoa!!! Where did that layer come from?
I am sorry, but I am skeptical of anyone remaining on this site claiming to have no insecurities; claiming to have life and relationship all figured out.
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| Jun 29 @ 4:27 PM |
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signme
Posts: 9,378
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Lacy said: I am sorry, but I am skeptical of anyone remaining on this site claiming to have no insecurities; claiming to have life and relationship all figured out.
Dang! I'm full of insecurities and as soon as I get one thing figured out, seems the rules change on me! I don't understand most men and I'm sure it's because half the time I don't even understand myself! LOL
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| Jun 29 @ 7:05 PM |
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emptypages
Posts: 997
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no one on here ever claimed they didn't have any insecurities. We all have problems - everyone. If it's a big problem for you, and has ruined potential relationships, why not get some professional help?
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| Jun 29 @ 7:15 PM |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,173
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I'd be lost without my insecurities...even at work. I'm always convinced I'm gonna be let go, and have been for the past 38 years. Relationships? The reason mine don't usually last is because I kiss them off cuz I'm convinced they're gonna dump me.
It's such an incredible leap of faith...it's amazing that relationships ever work out, but I'll never believe that setting up tests makes any sense. Life does a good enough job without our mucking things up deliberately.
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| Jun 29 @ 8:15 PM |
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sloriver
Posts: 234
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I think maybe we're all too analytical in our relationships. If I hear of another magazine relationship quiz I'll go to reading the Playboy advisor. What do you FEEL? Cut the psychobabble and get in touch with your feelings. Dr. Phil is a self satisfied egotist. Stay away from him at all costs! My rant for the day
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| Jun 29 @ 8:24 PM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,257
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Some days I feel testy.
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| Jun 29 @ 9:54 PM |
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Kenn159
Posts: 2,743
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am sorry, but I am skeptical of anyone remaining on this site claiming to have no insecurities; claiming to have life and relationship all figured out.
I don't think we are ever done learning and trying to better ourselves.
If we think we are,we are just deluding ourselves.
Live and learn.
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| Jun 29 @ 10:23 PM |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,208
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"Testing" ~shudder~ I absolutely ABHOR it! 
It's a reflection on the other persons insecurities and I prefer to associate with secure people. But luckily that's been a part of my life , my "reference", MOST of the time.
~grin~ I've been "tested" before and HE flunked. 
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| Jun 29 @ 10:37 PM |
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Kenn159
Posts: 2,743
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grin~ I've been "tested" before and HE flunked.
So you admit you test others?
Or are you just kidding?
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| Jun 29 @ 10:46 PM |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,208
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No, he tested ME...and "flunked", in my opinion (I booted him out the door )
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| Jun 29 @ 11:47 PM |
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youbetcha
Posts: 5,797
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I guess I flunked the test this time around but I'm not going to let it sideline me 
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| Jun 30 @ 11:48 PM |
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Say_Yes
Posts: 1,774
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we question whether we are loved or even lovable...and we put out our tests. Unfortunately, most of the tests are designed to prove our doubts. Even if our lover should pass the test, we will design tougher and tougher tests because underneath our mask of worthiness is the knowledge of the truth that we were taught by equally insecure parents, siblings, spouses, friends...and the fear that our secret will be revealed and the lover will reject.
Very good topic Lacy. To me, the most important aspect of your initial post, is in the above section. Many of us, have experienced past loves that in the end have ended with heartbreak and disappointment. As we move forward in life, we carry the baggage of those failed loves with us and we enter into new relationships, with the expectations that they too will fail. Very often, we end up sabotaging our own relationships and in the end, such expectations become self fulfilling.
All too often, it is our own fear of success that leads us to failure. We fear facing heartbreak from the bond of a true love, so we do not allow others to love us. If we do not open our hearts to the potential of enduring immense suffering, then we can not open our hearts to the potential of experiencing immense love. It is very difficult to risk emotional devestation, in hopes of finding emotional bliss.
For many of us, who have suffered the devestation, it becomes more difficult over time to risk our hearts. As a result, we tend to put up walls to keep people at a distance or we set forth task after task, just waiting for the shoe to drop and for our new partner to once again disappoint us, just as we have been disappointed in the past.
Then again, we also products of our own environments. As a child, we learn to love and show love, based upon the examples that we see in life. Boys who grow up in homes, where the father is abusive, VERY often themselves become an abusive spouse, when they are adults. Little girls who grow up in such environments, also often find themselves with an abusive partner as an adult, as this is what they expect from an adult male, based their own life experience.
In the end, we all have our own needs, our own insecurities and our way of showing love. All too often, we do not feel love, unless our partner shows love in a way that meets our needs. As there are numerous ways to show love, we often project, showing love to a partner, through what is most important to us, rather than through what is most important to them.
There is a great book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages, which deals with just this concept, breaking it down into five categories, words of affirmation, quality time (my personal need) receiving gifts, acts of service and/or physical touch. It is a bit heavy in religious dogma, but it does have its points. For a basic overview, see
The Five Love Languages
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| Jun 30 @ 11:56 PM |
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signme
Posts: 9,378
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Good post, Say_Yes.
The Five Love Languages sounds interesting.
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| Jul 1 @ 12:42 AM |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 14,427
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| Jul 1 @ 1:00 AM |
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robodad
Posts: 5,798
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. Looks like she's testing with Morse code 
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| Jul 1 @ 1:24 AM |
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Palomino
Posts: 7,503
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SunBabe said:
It's a reflection on the other persons insecurities and I prefer to associate with secure people.
Huh? Then why do you hang out with me?  
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| Jul 1 @ 2:01 AM |
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sweet5red
Posts: 8,067
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its 1 am and my test will come at 430 am.. OR NOT when i hear my alarm go off and i get up to fix raymonds lunch for his first day on the new job..  and send him off with a kiss.. and i love you.. Sweet N Louisiana
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| Jul 1 @ 2:46 AM |
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lacyvsq
Posts: 4,257
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I've been listening to the (free) video lectures on that five languages of love site. Really good stuff! Thanks Say_Yes!
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