| Jul 1 @ 11:19 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
DiamondRain
Posts: 4,383
|
When you are dating someone, does the relationship have to regularly progress to an ever more committed state. For example:
From dating say once a week,
to dating more often that that,
to staying over one another’s places now and then,
to moving in together,
to getting engaged,
to getting married
to getting divorced (OK I just put this one in here for fun, ignore it  )
I’m not saying the relationship necessarily has all of these phases. You might skip some of them.
But do things have to move in an ever more committed direction in order to keep the relationship viable?
I used to think that relationships between a man and a woman were like a shark. They have to keep moving forward or die. Having had much more experience now I don’t think that was too far off the mark.
What say you?
|
|
  |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:22 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
Loreli
Posts: 18,403
|
I would hope to move forward, with the right timing.
But it isn't for everybody....
I know couples that just get together "whenever".....that works for them.
Not me.
|
| |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:25 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
signme
Posts: 8,786
|
I think a good relationship will just naturally move forward. If it doesn't, it may not be all that good. Then again, it also depends on the people involved. Do they want it to move forward or are they content with a relationship that seems "stuck"?
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:32 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
CathyCRN
Posts: 1,628
|
All relationships are different...however, if they stay the same I would think boredom would creep in eventually....however, I have been in relationships when I did not have any more time to give that I was already giving...so, they did not evolve into anything but were great while the lasted....
|
| |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:44 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
grumblebear
Posts: 10,086
|
things that do not grow... die...
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:53 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
tahoma
Posts: 9,851
|
I agree with Sign and my dear, sweet Bear... Love is an organic, natural state of being... a relationship is like a garden.. you plant a seed, water, fertilize and nurture it, watch it grow and take shape as it matures... then after the blooms fade and they go to seed, they spread... take root growing into an even bigger garden
But if you ignore it, weeds take over... if you over water it, the roots rot.. either way the garden dies
How's that for metaphoric, romantic blather????? 
[Edited on 7/1/2008 11:56 PM]
|
| |
|
| Jul 1 @ 11:54 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
CathyCRN
Posts: 1,628
|
true, Grumble...you should see my tomato plant 
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 12:00 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
signme
Posts: 8,786
|
Anyone have any pointers for my poinsettia plant?
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 12:02 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
tahoma
Posts: 9,851
|
Put it in the closet for a few weeks, give it just a little watering... it needs to sleep 
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 12:17 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,303
|
Sign - Poinsettias are like weeds, even when they seem to be dead, a little water and they come back to life.
From dating say once a week,
to dating more often that that,
to staying over one another’s places now and then,
to moving in together,
to getting engaged,
to getting married
to getting divorced
Joke or not, if it's the way you think, that a relationship must always advance to the next level or die, that last line would have to be true, wouldn't it?
Personally, I'm okay with staying over pretty regularly, I don't want to share living quarters (I've been head of the household for about 35 years; I like controlling the remote dammit!). I absolutely require a combination of respect and distance, so I've kept looking for someone with similar needs. So far I seem to have found one, but I never say never, nor do I use forever a whole lot. We'll stay together as long as both our needs are met and no longer. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing, just a life kind of thing. Marrying certainly wouldn't fix it, and not marrying or cohabitating leaves our options open - we have to keep deciding whether what we sacrifice is worth what we get out of it. We can't feel trapped because we've made no commitments. We committed to exclusivity from the beginning, but no more than that. So I'd have to say it's not universally true, while it's certainly true for many, if not most, people.
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 2:58 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
sweet5red
Posts: 7,658
|
hehe no idea where i heard this but someone likend it to a mushroom..
feed it shit and keep it in the dark..
but i dont think so lol Sweet N Louisiana  
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 7:05 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
marylou
Posts: 9,653
|
......depends what each person feels comfortable and happy with. Sometimes.......they both do what suits both of them......some ....because they dont like one or the other getting their hands on assets......real estate or whatevr. So living seperately suits........or in many cases......they each like their own space and are happy that way. You dont always have that companionship daily or nightly......but then some are ok with that and like it that way. People dont have to please the rest of the world these days.......they just have to please each other.
I could handle the sleepovers for a while.....a year or so.......but couldnt handle it forever. Then each person is different.
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 7:14 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
pamdemonium
Posts: 13,381
|
Love is a verb. If you care for someone, isn't it only natural to want it to move forward?
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 8:21 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
Loreli
Posts: 18,403
|
This was the key though
does the relationship He didn't say "love".....
If I fell in love with someone, then I would hope it moved forward.
I have also had male friends I "got together" with for supper, shooting pool, etc. I never fell in love with them, but felt we had a relationship of sorts.
They are still friends after many years.
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 9:50 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
custis
Posts: 648
|
A relationship does not have to progress any farther than either of the involved parties want. However, it is important to be up forward about what you want and do not want from the beginning. Your partner may not want the same things.
I have a nephew who has had a girlfriend for over twenty years and would not want to be with anyone else and neither would she, but they do not and never will live together because they both value their personal space too much.
My experience with women on the dating sites, and many of the men are probably the same way, is that they want to rush right into a commitment and marriage as soon as they possibly can, and the irony of it is that many of them have been married two or three or more times already. Take it slow and enjoy each other without such pressures for a long time before you worry about living together or marrying. You have all the time in the world. Date, take daytrips, have good sex, but don't commit until you absolutely know it is going to work.
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 10:03 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
marylou
Posts: 9,653
|
Love is a verb. If you care for someone, isn't it only natural to want it to move forward ......but to some.......where they are at ....is where they want to be.....and are comfortable......so to them they have both reached the place they want to be in. And just because they live in seperate houses........doesnt mean they dont love each other. Probably the love works so well BECAUSE they live in seperate houses........whereas for others it wouldnt. (just anothr perspective)
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 10:42 AM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
DiamondRain
Posts: 4,383
|
A relationship does not have to progress any farther than either of the involved parties want. However, it is important to be up forward about what you want and do not want from the beginning. Your partner may not want the same things.
But how can you KNOW what you are going to want, or not want, right from the beginning?
Can't feelings and intentions change over time, whether it is a few weeks, a few months, or many years?
As soon as you meet someone you say "Hello, I'm John. I am glad to meet you but I need to tell you that I want a few good dates, and maybe a little sex, but not marriage. If that's Okay with you, then let's go to that movie now."?
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 3:42 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
marylou
Posts: 9,653
|
Yeah you can say that last bit........why not be honest right from the start.
I just go with the flow these days......if it feels good I do it......LOL. ...If not I dont. If I want it to progress further and its not happening......I will say *this is what I would like to happen*........if he doesnt want the same thing...and wants to stay at that same point.........then I say....*look we want different things.....so I need to move on.....but we can stay friends*........and then I'm gone.
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 4:14 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state?
|
|
JenRNinOhio
Posts: 1,187
|
DiamondRain ... The examples of progress you listed seem to be physical, tangible ...
I am of the opinion that a really good relationship will progess as the couple grows closer emotionally.
I agree with what Heaven said, "...it's certainly true for many, if not most, people...." .... MOST relationships, if together for a long enough period of time, go through the process you listed. And I wonder if the expected process is what leads couples through the steps. I am pretty sure that's why I married the first time. It was the next expected step.
My boyfriend & I first met six years ago. We dated, we had overnights, we vacationed, we loved, & we had a big break in there ... almost a year apart.
We're back together & our love is stronger than ever..... Growing closer emotionally.
We do not live together ... No plans to do so.
We are kinda / sorta unofficially engaged.
We are best friends, better all the time.
We see each other every weekend & an occasional week night.
It works for us.
We'll see what happens in 3 more years when all kids have graduated high school.
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 2 @ 4:34 PM |
Do relationships have to progress to an ever more committed state? |
|
Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,303
|
Good for you Jen - do what works for you rather than what's expected of you! 
YMMV of course - I have a couple of friends who have been together for about 15 years now, but she absolutely refuses to marry him or live with him. I think she's also a wise woman - he's an artistic type who can best be described as 'colorful' - his home's all bright reds, oranges, greens, etc...lots of 'glass art' and tile work; she's a nurse, her home's also modern - but in the white on white style. They know they're perfect for each other as long as they don't live together.
To each his and her own - just remember that we each have to life our own life, and not necessarily follow a script provided by society or anyone else.
|
| |
|
|