| Jul 25 @ 6:21 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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I've posted about my boyfriend's drinking before, so this shouldn't really be anything new.
Drinking alcohol as part of social gatherings and celebration is part of Nordic culture. Finnish in particular tend to binge drink but they do not do it regularly. My boyfriend does this, but he does not do it on a regular basis, so I am not worried about it. I don't mind when he drinks and I don't mind that he binge drinks. He paces himself and he waits awhile before he does it again. However, I was raised with a completely different attitude about alcohol as a young American woman and that is where I am having issues....and I can assure you that the the issues are not with him, but with my own insecurities.
I have always associated drinking with date rape and cheating. That is what school taught me to associate it with and what my parents taught me to associate it with. Thus, I have only once gone to a party where alcohol was served and I now only drink with my closest friends. So...while the logical, rational part of my brain knows what an amazing man Marko is and how he would not hurt me and how he is able to think about what he is doing when he is drunk....the emotional part of my brain is still very insecure about it and can't really bridge the culture gap. He really only drinks with his male friends and their girlfriends and I know he would never cheat on me anyway, so why is there this idiot little girl inside me that has to stupidly ask him sometimes not to cheat on me when he drinks? It's starting to annoy him...he's only cheated on one girlfriend and it made him so sick that he ended the relationship with her because of it.
How do I curb this behaviour? I don't want to do it anymore. He thinks I don't trust him...it's not him; it's me. I just want to be able to get over my stupid insecurity.
Any advice?
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| Jul 25 @ 6:25 PM |
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katydid438
Posts: 6,445
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Just pay attention to the red flags....and drinking can be one of them 
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| Jul 25 @ 6:28 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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Yeah drinking can be a red flag but you can't come at it with an American viewpoint about drinking....I did at first completely, but their drinking is cultural...they were raised around alcohol and were taught that it's part of celebration. My boyfriend doesn't go wild in bars or drive drunk or do anything bad. He just sits around with his friends, drinks a few beers, eats, and plays video games. That doesn't really send up a red flag to me.
I'm just having issues with it because I'm insecure and am having trouble bridging the cultural gap myself.
I'd like to reiterate-- his drinking is not a problem with me...he's a 26 year old man with a house, a car, and a full-time job who is very responsible and is more than respectful and loving to me. He spent 13 hours on a plane and crossed an ocean to be with me ... I have no doubts about his love or his fidelity. However, I need to get over my insecurity. It's extremely immature.
[Edited on 7/25/2008 6:42 PM]
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| Jul 25 @ 6:58 PM |
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emptypages
Posts: 957
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Gee Gloss, isn't this info a bit private? Glad you're happy in your relationship and all, but I don't think I'd want to spoil a good thing by posting something my significant other might be privy too.
But while you're on the subject, you should let him know it bothers you.
[Edited on 7/25/2008 7:00 PM]
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| Jul 25 @ 7:00 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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Well...I'm not sure, I mean....I trust you guys, for the most part, and it's really more my problem than his, and I'd just like to know how I can get over this.
Edit - I let him know I have insecurities about it and that I don't care what he's doing as long as he stays faithful to me...but what he's doing isn't the problem. I just want to be able to work on my insecurity because it's unnecessary and immature.
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| Jul 25 @ 7:12 PM |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,826
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American beer is watered down..but that is what we are use to. In Europe countries, is real beer. Very strong. It sounds like to me he is just hanging out being social with friends, not running the streets.
All of us go through some kind of phase of something.
It can only be a problem if someone lets it be.
I had a time I liked to drink on weekends through the years. But now I rarely drink, so it depends on the person. At least he isnt hiding it. And yes it is part of the culture.Moderation as they say is the key. Hopefully nothing past that. 
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| Jul 25 @ 7:55 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,007
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You're smart to recognize and accept the fact of that style of drinking as being "cultural" (although not all European Scandanavians "celebrate" that way ALL the time ~grin~ but it's definitely part of their social scene, especially among the young and young-ish).
I have to laugh at my daughter's shock when she was an exchange student in Denmark -- she'd never even had a beer in her entire time in high school here and was faced with shots of "Gammeldansk" any given morning that someone in her class over there was celebrating a birthday or other occasion. Her eyes were opened, for sure, but she also observed that it wasn't cool to drink every day and that drinking responsibly was the normal social standard. She actually never saw anyone get absolutely shitfaced in her year over there and never had anyone act sexually aggressive towards her (a lot different than when she was in Russia for two different yearlong "tours".). Alcohol didn't rule their lives -- just enhanced it in a playful way, IF they chose to drink at all (not drinking was acceptable also, as it should be).
I have always associated drinking with date rape and cheating.
That's the whole crux of the issue, though. I realize that this is your personal association, but seriously, it's not the norm! Zillions and zillions of people drink (even to excess, unfortunately) and never ever consider "date rape" or "cheating". In a way, this is your own "cultural" hang up through your observations and experience -- which may be hard for Markos to fathom, even if he tries to understand. It's likely that "date rape" and "cheating", fueled by alcohol, are totally unacceptable behaviors in his world.
Maybe it would help you to learn to trust (yourself as well as someone/everyone else) if you could practice visualizing the way HE lives and was brought up. Picture a blow-out party without the 'out of bounds' sex -- kinda like the way "mature adults" tend to play.  (Of course I may have missed -- or avoided -- socializing with people who would resort to those kind of things. I know it goes on, but rarely or never among my peers, whatever age I was. I've always been "picky" that way. I've never liked hassles or crude/rude behavior.  )
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| Jul 25 @ 7:59 PM |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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It's likely that "date rape" and "cheating", fueled by alcohol, are totally unacceptable behaviors in his world.
Yeah, they are...in fact, men who engage in date rape and drunken hookups are considered, by his group of friends at least, to be the lowest common denominator. I am just having a lot of trouble. I'll be able to work through it and it's gotten a lot better as the months have gone by but it's still very easy for me to get anxious.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:02 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,007
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it's still very easy for me to get anxious.
Yep, I know.  ...but just think of the things you USED to get anxious about awhile ago...and worked through and beyond now.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:04 PM |
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BandTMom
Posts: 26,405
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And trust is the basis for a relationship. You have to let yourself trust him. And I know you will.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:05 PM |
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fenderchick
Posts: 1,128
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Well I grew up around alcoholics and went out with one. He doesn't sound like that...Maybe it's because I'm Canadian but I don't associate drinking with date rape or anything like it...
...If he is a social drinker and you are uncomfortable with it, you have to tell him. If you have trust issues I would tell him too. Better to get it out then let it eat away at you.
I would just tell him very honestly that in the past you've associated getting drunk with cheating and that is not what you want. If he travelled all that way I don't think he'd waste your time like that LGQ
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| Jul 25 @ 8:18 PM |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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I am not uncomfortable with his drinking, really...I want him to go out and have fun with his friends. I trust him, but my ignorance, based on my education and upbringing, is causing me to get anxious ... it's coming from an irrational and emotional part of me and I just want to know how to get rid of it.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:24 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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fenderchick
Posts: 1,128
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All I can say is maybe once you talked about it with him it would get out of your head and you won't think about it so much maybe?
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| Jul 25 @ 8:29 PM |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,007
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What we need is a big party in NYC so LGQ can see what's it's like to party without wayward groping and tongues and such.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:29 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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=/ That's not really how I work.
I am very neurotic. I have to find some way to work through this on my own and I can't really mention it to him anymore. I've brought it up to him quite a few times now and basically he's told me that it's getting annoying because he knows not to cheat on me and he knows how to control himself and that he loves me so much and doesn't want to hurt me.
I don't want to annoy him unnecessarily; I just have to find some way to make myself more secure in myself and more confident.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:36 PM |
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fenderchick
Posts: 1,128
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just try to remember how awesome we think you are
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| Jul 25 @ 8:38 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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thanks =D
and that is a good idea sunny XD i'm up for that
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| Jul 25 @ 8:41 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This? |
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lj450
Posts: 7,879
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I think if you meet someone who was drinking when you met them, then you should let them continue to be who they are. If he recently took up drinking, apparently to help cope with his new relationship, then you should respect that as well.
Its like that country song "You Aint Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin"
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| Jul 25 @ 8:41 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This?
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Laidback742
Posts: 2,713
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So...while the logical, rational part of my brain knows what an amazing man Marko is and how he would not hurt me and how he is able to think about what he is doing when he is drunk....the emotional part of my brain is still very insecure about it and can't really bridge the culture gap.
For the most part, you have to let the logical overtake the emotional .... and to readjust what you were raised to believe as normal .... Not easy, but what I see of you here, I think you have the emotional maturity to get through it.
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| Jul 25 @ 8:48 PM |
How Can I Stop Doing This? |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 9,910
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lj, i've stated many times that i have no problem whatsoever with marko's drinking and i don't want to stop him, but that the issue instead is my own.
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