| Jul 28 @ 10:29 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 7,362
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My ex was an alcoholic so I wanted to know what others have experienced and learned from the Alcoholic Ex syndrome. How did the relationship affect/effect you? Did you lose yourself during the relationship? Were you abused? How? Do you remember that caring for them feeling even more when you saw that they could barely stand up....wanting to be there even more for them?
What was your experience like?
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| Jul 28 @ 11:10 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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Mellajenn
Posts: 84
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Ah.....not a very good experience that is for sure.
As I sit here paying off a lot of debt because of it. 
I remember once I was going to go out with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and he hid my keys on me..  . It wasn't long b4 it was over after that, actually it was just after the night he stayed out all night...the funny thing is , is the next day was April Fools day when i threw him out..
BUt I must say, one time he was so drunk he had to get out of the car to 
so he ended up falling over down a hill and passed out there., so I left him there.
 
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| Jul 29 @ 12:17 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Always_Striving
Posts: 7,592
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Don't try to change them. Dump them, and get as far away from them and their problems.
They can always make friends with A.A. people
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| Jul 29 @ 12:28 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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mzlara388
Posts: 1,030
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I did lose myself. I also lost my ability to have real friendships, until recently. The best thing I ever did was go to Alanon. Gave myself the power to get me back. I let him do his thing. I learned that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't change it. It has also made me look deeper at others before jumping into anything.
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| Jul 29 @ 5:25 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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custis
Posts: 1,208
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That was one problem I did not have with my ex. She seldom ever drank and never to excess. After we divorced however, I had an on again/off again thing with a gal I met at work. I cared for her a great deal, but we could not live together because she went on drinking binges and when she was drunk she was an absolute bitch. The great tragedy of it was that when she was sober she was such a fantastic person. She had this cherried out to the max 1970-something Nova that just screamed. Man I loved hot cars back in the days before Geo Metros were considered to be muscle cars.
Anyway, she was not willing to be more temperate in her drinking habits, so we finally drifted apart. Wherever she is now, I hope she is doing well and managed to get a handle on the booze.
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| Jul 29 @ 5:47 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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Carol386
Posts: 2,586
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My uncle is an alcholic (over 10 years sober) and so is my good friend's husband (who will never be sober I'm afraid). My uncle lost his wife, his business, the respect of his kids. Every day is a battle for him. My friend has changed her hours at work so by the time she gets home he is usuallly passed out. He has never been physically abusive but the verbal abuse is terrible and she is scared to leave him.
It doesn't matter what the addiction is (drugs, booze, food, smokes) until a person is ready, they are not going to stop. Everybody has their own "bottom" to find sadly.
It might make me a shallow person but personally, I have enough on my plate, I certainly don't need to take on anyone else's problems.
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| Jul 29 @ 8:34 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Loreli
Posts: 20,103
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They have to want to change themselves.
I was so afraid for my ex's health. I haven't heard from him in awhile...I should get ahold of mutual friends. But, maybe I don't want to know.
He was both an obnoxious abd fun drunk. Life of the party.
But he was the most caring person I have ever met.
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| Jul 29 @ 11:07 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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pamdemonium
Posts: 14,427
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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a workaholic?
Is one any more damaging than another?
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| Jul 29 @ 11:13 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 7,645
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I personally feel that the alcoholic syndrome is over played and over dramatized
( ... in most relationships..)
it ( alcohol ) is a part of who the person is/was.. but ..not the driving force...
a person becomes an ex because of many reasons..one of those could be - if they have a problem with alcohol and do not try to fix it...
but to blame alcohol and not the person imho ... is wrong...
it almost seems that it becomes a "validation excuse" for giving up on the relationship, and calling it quits...
imho.. it the person is not right...there is no excuse needed... ( irreconcilable differences works very well ....when you accept it...) 
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| Jul 29 @ 11:16 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,074
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I know I'm naive and haven't had the experience but if I was married to someone for awhile and they had an alcohol problem I don't think I'd divorce them unless my physical being or my children's physical being was in danger...marriage to me is something that you stick with...unless you are really threatened and I would like to help my spouse get through their alcoholism with AA and rehab and such, and yes...it can be done I have seen it done before.
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| Jul 29 @ 11:41 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Loreli
Posts: 20,103
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Unfortunately, LGQ, it isn't that simple.
My ex boyfriend was superb with my daughter (sitting for an hour and delicately braiding her hair, cleaning every smudge on her face, etc-but, he did raise 2 girls and I raised 2 boys) He is very intelligent.
Thing is....he started drinking so much he woke up strange places, forgot we had a conversation, put himself in harm's way egging guys on to fight, forgot dates, times, appointments.
I hated to think I should have to "check up on him", but if he was that drunk-I believe he messed around on me. He did attract the ladies...........
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| Jul 29 @ 11:43 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,074
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That's true, not everything is black and white...it could depend on the circumstances...I don't stand for cheating, either.
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| Jul 29 @ 11:51 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Loreli
Posts: 20,103
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Me either
That is a true degradation of character.
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| Jul 29 @ 11:52 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,074
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Yeah it shows a complete lack of respect for one's partner and the relationship and to blame alcohol shows a lack of character as well....most people have an idea of what they are doing when they are drunk and can think about what they are doing...
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| Jul 29 @ 11:58 AM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Loreli
Posts: 20,103
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My Mom always said to listen to a drunk-they don't care about lying...what ya see is what ya get (not sure of that, but)
She also said "There is nothing worse than a drunk pregnant woman"
THAT one I will vouch for...
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| Jul 29 @ 1:19 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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daisy315
Posts: 4,266
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your mom was right Lor.. a persons true self emerges when they are drunk.. they can't control it.. My father was like that. He was cruel and hateful when he was drunk.. I never saw him sober until Sis had her son and thats the only reason he got sober.. but.. it didn't last..
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| Jul 29 @ 1:22 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,074
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I don't necessarily believe a person's true self comes through when they are drunk, necessarily. I know my true self doesn't come through when I am drunk. When I am drunk I am loud and boisterous and truly I am not really like that. When I was younger I used to be a sexual drunk and I would dance on people and rub on people and make out with and fool around with anyone. I'm not really like that.
I think that alcohol can f*** with the mind and make you different.
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| Jul 29 @ 1:27 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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theblessedone
Posts: 172
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I once dated an alcoholic. I was not young, but I was naive. It took a month or two before I became aware of the extent of his drinking problem (we didn't live together, and because of my work schedule, did not spend a lot of time together).
I stuck around. Drove him to AA, and dropped in on a few Al-Anon meetings. I listened. I researched. I learned. But I still didn't "get it."
I dropped in one night, unexpectedly. No answer at the door. No answer on the phone. There were noises inside his apartment, so I knew he was there. I kept calling. Kept knocking. I can be pretty persistent.
I'll avoid all the gory details, but suffice it to say, he was home...drunk...and not alone.
Eventually, I listened to his apology, and to his promises. I listened to his anguish at having thrown away so much of his life.
And...I stuck around.
This time, I offered only friendship. I volunteered to listen, to drive to AA, to be a place to go when the bottle beckoned.
But he wasn't ready to start on that path. He hated me because I reminded him of his 'weakness.' He hated me because I wouldn't let him forget. He hated himself, because he had thrown my love away.
I never hated him. All I could summons was pity, and an overwhelming sense of sadness...and in some small way, gratitude. I learned a lot in those few months.
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| Jul 29 @ 2:05 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned?
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,173
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Did you lose yourself during the relationship? Were you abused? How? Do you remember that caring for them feeling even more when you saw that they could barely stand up....wanting to be there even more for them?
Yes and yes. Both physically and emotionally, as was one of my sons, the other was only emotionally abused. At first, yes, I so wanted to be there for him, but for me, love and respect are full partners. I can't love someone I feel contempt for, and I can't help but feel contempt for someone who can abuse his own son, drunk or sober. Sober, he wouldn't even admit to any memory of it, same thing I'd experienced with my mother as a child. With my mother, I told her that I was out of her life for good, along with her grandsons, if she considered alcohol more important than they were - I left their father for that reason and I wasn't going to put them through that. Unlike their father, she never had another drink.
My son, on the other hand, is an alcoholic who joined AA and has made a good life for himself. Even drunk, he was never abusive to anyone but I'm really thankful that even though the temptation's always there, he's managed to stay clear.
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| Jul 29 @ 4:42 PM |
Relationships with alcoholics: What is your perspective? What have you learned? |
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fenderchick
Posts: 2,524
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I had an horrible experience with an ex who happened to be an alcoholic. All he did was drink. Stayed up all night long drinking. Ended up being a miserable situation. Glad I didn't stick around.
...Addictions are horrible. Alcohol and drug related ones to me anyway seem to be the type that cause abusive and potentially harmful situations.
I'd never want to be with an alcoholic again. I enjoy the social drink and having fun. I've been drunk a few times too. Well more than a few. Someone who lives like that though, isn't for me.
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