| Aug 15 @ 6:52 AM |
The one that supports...
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ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 7,624
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Have you ever been the one who supports? By supports i don't mean the basic everyday norm, I mean you were the main column on unstable foundation. Were you ever the person who....put your S/O through school...constantly bent over backwards to make everything work.....expended more than yourself for the sake of someone else's happiness.... gave up everything and got nothing?
Because you are not alone... What happened? How do you feel now since then? What have you learned? Are you stronger now? What have you become?
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| Aug 15 @ 10:04 AM |
The one that supports... |
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 12,052
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Were you ever the person who....put your S/O through school...
Yes
constantly bent over backwards to make everything work.....
Yes
expended more than yourself for the sake of someone else's happiness....
Yes
gave up everything and got nothing?
Yes and lost everything too
Because you are not alone... What happened?
The one I helped put thru school.. finished and someone ELSE received the benefits of his better paying job and me and his kid got diddly and the one who changed and everything was about him and drugs ...well I am much better off without, even tho in the process ,I lost everything.. and the one who just used me for $$ (my self esteem was in the toilet then for sure to let that happen) I wish I had never met, but am so glad is gone.. 
How do you feel now since then? I have gotten past it ... things happen for a reason .. and I think that the reason was that maybe I needed to think of ME too yanno??
What have you learned?
To get back up and continue on with life...and try not to make the same mistake again
Are you stronger now?
Not necessarily stronger but better able to deal with those who want to take advantage
What have you become? A person who values themselves enough to expect their SO to value them too and treat me with respect as I do them
All in all being the supporter and being taken as a fool and used has taught me about things being equal and that everyone deserves to be treated equally and should pull their own weight in some manner and that if they do not at least TRY they do not respect you or care enough about you ...and being alone is a better option than living with disrespect  Luckily I have found someone who I believe compliments me and respects me in every way, a true equal in the caring for each other dept
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| Aug 15 @ 1:50 PM |
The one that supports...
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sweet5red
Posts: 8,123
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what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.... 
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| Aug 15 @ 6:25 PM |
The one that supports... |
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twotall911
Posts: 12,856
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yes i have more than once but been burnt by doing it but the smiles are the reward
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| Aug 15 @ 8:18 PM |
The one that supports...
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1stsignofspring
Posts: 16,194
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I gave up time with my friends, dating, and basically a social life for 13 yrs to finish raising my children, but you know what? I'd do it again in a heartbeat to take care of them and to make sure they had my time and attention when it mattered. There was a period of time where I worked one fulltime job and two partime jobs to make ends meet, and sometimes I truly was tired to the bone. I still made time to cook a hot dinner and they had decent clothes. They didn't always have everything they wanted, but they had everything they needed, including my time.
Did I give up "everything" and get nothing? Absolutely not! I gained the love and admiration of my children and I don't regret one minute of it.
I learned that when you have a reason to fight, (my children) then sacrifice doesn't seem like such a high cost to pay for such a "rich" reward! 
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| Aug 15 @ 9:11 PM |
The one that supports... |
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SallyF
Posts: 298
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Spring!
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| Aug 15 @ 11:15 PM |
The one that supports...
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,251
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This is a really good (and deep) topic, Issues..."support" can also mean different things to different people.
Were you ever the person who....put your S/O through school...constantly bent over backwards to make everything work.....expended more than yourself for the sake of someone else's happiness.... gave up everything and got nothing?
Because you are not alone... What happened? How do you feel now since then? What have you learned? Are you stronger now? What have you become?
First of all, I'm going to answer the latter part, then get back to the first part. What happened? I wore out. Plain and simple. "Effort" can rarely be sustained infinitely without at least a little feedback...positive or negative but not endless "neutral". The end result is that I felt like a piece of furniture in the household and just plain gave up trying to sustain things. I grew to resent my role and started to withdraw. I was much happier after that when I realized what had happened, doing some of the same things, but for ME this time.
...but I didn't get "nothing" in return. I just didn't get feedback or expressed appreciation...until after filing for divorce.  My ex and I have sort of laughed about it. He's quite aware of his Vulcan tendancies and since our divorce he's grown a lot and now isn't so reticent to express himself. He's told me he really did appreciate everything I did and how we'd have never held everything together (financially or domestically) if I hadn't been the "glue".
(Yep, helped put him through school, too -- I got an A on one of his philosophy papers, too.  It was a required class and he was ready to drop out of college because he hated that subject so much, even though we'd discussed the class a lot. I wrote a paper as a joke, sort of, then made him turn it in desparation. I've felt guilty for cheating like that ever since...but it taught me that I had the ability to try going to college myself  -- should be for dirty little secret thread, lol)
In a way, those three decades made me stronger, but maybe too independent...I find it hard to relenquish the reins (I don't HAVE to, now) and actually ask or accept help when I really need it. 
...but one thing I was extremely lucky with is that it wasn't an unstable relationship...just a bit unbalanced -- and that was because I allowed it to get that way. I did learn the difference when I was in my relationship with G~...we worked together and were an ideal complement to each other, which was really cool.
What I've learned, though, is that I'm never again going to be a "caretaker". I've taken care of someone, one way or another, since I was 17. It's time now to take care of me. (LOL, even if I am pretty lousey in that department  )
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| Aug 16 @ 5:21 AM |
The one that supports... |
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Bluebonnet72
Posts: 2,761
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Have you ever been the one who supports? Yes I've been and I'm......especially in the office and now I'm very very tired of many unmanageable and uncontrollable behaviours.
I can't change job in this moment and I'm sorry to say that I have to be more detached from some situations
This is for myself and my life in general.
My message is not " support doesn't pay " but it is "ok support until you can and if you can putting limits for ourselves"
In real Friendship or relationship in general everything changes....I've no fear and limits to support
I think to be strong now thanks to many dear people who came in my life
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| Aug 16 @ 11:01 AM |
The one that supports...
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custis
Posts: 1,331
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I was that one who supports with my ex-fiance, but I did not realize how one-sided it was until I was out of town and found out that she was sleeping with as many men as she could possibly fit in while I was gone. I maintained the house and worked for months while she went to school and learned nothing of any use whatsoever. She had a trimester of political science and decided she was going to run for president.
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| Aug 16 @ 9:58 PM |
The one that supports... |
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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yes...yes...yes....yes...yes...yes....yes..yes...yes.....I think I covered them all.
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| Aug 16 @ 10:03 PM |
The one that supports...
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signme
Posts: 9,567
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In my last romantic relationship I was the support, the rational one, the sensible one, the cheerleader for my SO. It does get wearing after a while. In my family life, now that my mom is gone, I'm my sister's support system. I don't know if this is because I'm the oldest kid, have such an overly developed sense of responsibility or what. But sometimes I'd like to find someone I can lean on once in a while anyway.
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| Aug 16 @ 10:17 PM |
The one that supports... |
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andxr
Posts: 428
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In my last romantic relationship I was the support, the rational one, the sensible one, the cheerleader of my SO
Aint that the truth sister!.........I cant believe she hung around as long as she did 
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| Aug 16 @ 10:27 PM |
The one that supports...
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signme
Posts: 9,567
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Hmmmmmmmmmmm Andy, maybe WE need to get together! We can cheer each other on.
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| Aug 16 @ 10:40 PM |
The one that supports... |
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teddybearagain
Posts: 769
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Issues, you come up with some good conversation topics.
I gave up my "growing up" years so to speak. I had my first baby at 18, then my second at 20. So, I "grew up" with them. I feel I gave up the years that I should have been learning more about life, love, relationships. Instead, I was in one beating my head against the wall daily. I would never, ever give up the time I took to raise my babies though. I feel at times more like their friend instead of their mom. Now, my youngest who is 10, and I had him at 35, it's so much different. I know how to parent him now, and have gained the experience to know how to parent and also manage a friendship.
I gave and gave and gave in that relationship to their dad. I won't go into it here, as I'd be writing forever; .. but what I will say is that I gained so much more then I put into it.
Without that experience in my life I wouldn't be who I am today. I gained the knowledge of knowing who I truly am, dignity, respect for myself, self esteem, pride and true happiness and peace being comfortable with the person I am today.
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| Aug 17 @ 10:32 AM |
The one that supports...
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fenderchick
Posts: 2,760
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Wow...
My ex was a police officer that had 3 kids...I was nice enough to stay home and take care of them because their mother dropped them off at my house one day, after I had only been seeing him for about 2 mths and said "I don't want my kids anymore"!
I did that for almost 4 yrs. It wasn't fun. I loved the kids, but really at my age, I should of been enjoying life, instead of raising someone else's kids all by myself.
...I ended up losing everything. My heart and my posessions. I am stronger now, I have also learned that you can't just be a mom to someone else's kids. You have to really want to be. At first I really wanted to be...after never being able to do anything social with my friends though, because I alway's had them, and their mom was out having a good old time, I got pissed and started to resente my boyfriend. I should not of been the one tied to a house for 3 yrs raising someone else's kids. I should of been having a life.
I'd never do it again.
...By that I don't mean I wouldn't date someone who had kids. I'd date someone who had kids. If we were planning on becoming a blended family that would be different, but I would never let anyone take advantage of me like that again.
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| Aug 17 @ 10:13 PM |
The one that supports... |
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ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 7,624
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Issues, you come up with some good conversation topics.
....you should talk to me after sex  
OT:
I find that these questions will often, more than not, be answered by women. Why is that? Very rare will you find a guy who will even be able to claim ground in a conversation of such. I have expended myself to the point of forgetting who I was, but I can never claim putting someone through school. Not yet anyways....
Why is it that mostly women can attest to doing the above (OP)? What does that say? What is the real nature of women? Is what's being posted on the air waves/ cable/ fios really all bull? Have those that nurture and take care of been corrupted?
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| Aug 17 @ 10:29 PM |
The one that supports...
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teddybearagain
Posts: 769
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you should talk to me after sex before, during and after
BOT:
Aren't most women born with the instincts to nurture?
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| Aug 17 @ 10:48 PM |
The one that supports... |
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ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 7,624
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Aren't most women born with the instincts to nurture?
ummm...I would have to say that "ALL" applies in this case.
here is a kicker for you that most will try to over look but really can't due to me pointing it out and leaving it as a challenge:
if you want to kill a culture/society, infect the women with non constructive beliefs....
why is that true? the answer is pretty simple when you look at girls with "attitudes" "empowerment" and "independence" that can't even cook for themselves. she's independent yet still he is taking care of her bills...wtf?
society is screwed up....ever since: (insert answer here)
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| Aug 17 @ 10:57 PM |
The one that supports...
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teddybearagain
Posts: 769
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she's independent yet still he is taking care of her bills...wtf?
I was married to a man, a very wealthy man, financially. I still worked, although he wanted me to quit. I have a son to raise still, and he's my responsibility. I can be independent but still want a man to "take care of me", meaning my heart, etc.
society is screwed up....ever since women stopped being women and men, men. What I mean by that is somewhere along the way women wanted/needed to be "out there" working, earning a paycheck, Whether it be for financial needs, or for extra money, whatever the reason, doesnt matter. We as a society in whole have got to where we are now. We dont need two incomes to make it in a household. Shit, I raise my kid alone, no child support, nothing. I don't make big cash, and I know if I can do it, anyone can. Thing is, we have the "I gotta keep up with the Jones' attitude" and keep working and get further in debt. We in general speaking here.
Family values are shot. Morals, etc. We gotta go back to the days of teaching our kids right from wrong, and not handing out day after day what they want just to keep their mouth shut. Parents need to step up and parent, not befriend.
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| Aug 17 @ 11:00 PM |
The one that supports... |
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willowy1
Posts: 4,881
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society is screwed up....ever since: (insert answer here)...every since the first caveman figured out he had something to do with fathering his offspring. 
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