| Sep 14, 2008 @ 9:20 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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Moonwalk
Posts: 272
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Were you in a relation with a person with such phobia?
is it there a mean to help such person to overcome with this fear?
I heard that statistics show that we are happier and more well-adjusted when we are in committed relationships.
what does make people to have this phobia?
is it a personality disorder?
can such person admit there is a problem?
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 9:41 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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Some people do seem to have commitment phobias. Don't know why. Perhaps they were hurt in a previous commitment or are not over a bad marriage...who knows.
When a person is able to recognize that they have a problem and figure out what caused the problem, then they can work through their issues.
I think that person should definitely admit they have a problem. When dating another, that person should definitely make it clear that they have commitment issues. That way, no one gets their feeling hurt or expects more out of the relationship or that person may be willing to be patient.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:33 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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Why is there this usual assumption that, if a person doesn’t want to make the sacrifice necessary to “commit,” that they are irrational and have some kind of phobia? I’ve always found this assumption to be irritating.
A phobia is an irrational fear.
What is irrational about not wanting to commit?
I think you could make a better case that wanting to commit is irrational.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:37 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,955
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Yeah, maybe if you were polyamorous.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:46 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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Now you add another assumption? That “commitment“ is necessary for monogamy?
What does one have to do with the other?
Why do you assume that a person can’t have a monogamous relationship without promising anything about the future?
PS: I am not commenting on whether or not monogamy is preferable to polyamory, I am just asking why you make this assumption.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:51 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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It's all in one's perspective, I suppose. There are people out there that are afraid to get too close to another for fear of ??? who knows. There are others that have no problem with commitment. I don't think it is irrational to be in a committed relationship with another person. I'm not talking marriage here, just being in a relationship with ONE other person.... Not sure why that concept seems irrational...
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:53 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,955
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It was more lighthearted than anything, relax.
I know I just prefer commitment and couldn't be with someone who didn't feel the same.
I'm not very open-minded when it comes to relationships. It's committed monogamy with me or nothing.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 10:59 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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Perhaps the fear of commitment comes from:
*The fact that the vast majority of all relationships break up and cause unbearable heartache for all involved.
*The fact that the majority of marriages end in divorce and tend to destroy the lives of the married couple, their children and their families, often cost them their life savings, and rip out the hearts of everyone involved.
If a fear of this happening is irrational, you better have a lot of straight jackets at the ready!
Like I said, I think it is more irrational to NOT to fear commitment.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 11:02 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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Glass half full, glass half empty...it's all in one's perspective.
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 11:11 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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What is the value of a “commitment” anyway? A romantic “commitment” is nothing more than deceptive words.
When someone says to another “I will always love you,” for example, most of the time they turn out to be wrong.
How can you expect anything else when someone tries to make a prediction about the future? No one can know if they will still love you in the future, so any promise that they will is necessarily deceptive.
So you are saying you prefer to be deceived with promises that no one can reasonably make?
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 11:21 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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You are right...but those that deceive often start off with that intention. I would certainly not want to be in a committed relationship with that sort of person. We are not all like that, however. Some people actually say what they feel and mean it. Being in a committed relationship should add to the relationship, not distract from it. Someone that you can depend on...someone that is always there for you and you there for the other. Monogamy, stability...all that stuff is important. Why would anyone change their lives, relocate, whatever, to be with someone that was only partially in the relationship?
Personally, I was raised by parents in a committed relationship...good, bad or otherwise, my parents are still together...in fact, will celebrate their 49th anniversary in 2 weeks. Regardless of the bumps in the road over the years, they have been there for one another...my grandparents were married for 67 yrs when they passed away...same thing...good, bad, otherwise...they were together always. That is something to aspire to...but that's just my opinion and my history
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| Sep 14, 2008 @ 11:31 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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I’m in a bad mood tonight. I apologize to you gals for my cynicism (which is not to say that I don’t think my reasoning is correct).
I have nothing against people who like the feeling of “commitment,” no matter how unlikely that commitment is to actually mean anything in the long run. That is part of what romance is, it's divine deception, it’s irrational by definition. I have no problem with that.
The part that bothers me is that a RATIONAL fear of commitment is often referred to as a “phobia,” which is an erroneous twisting of the language designed to imply that men act irrationally when in fact they do not (since it is almost always applied to men). As a man, I find this implication offensive.
There are some very rational, fact based reasons to fear commitment. A phobia is an irrational fear, not a rational one. Therefore, fearing commitment is not a phobia and should not be characterized as irrational or phobic behavior. Doing so is inaccurate and insulting.
[Edited on 9/15/2008 12:29 AM]
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 8:17 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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catman602
Posts: 735
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one place where i worked all the woman said " don't get married . it's best to stay single " they told me the guy is all sweet and nice BEFORE they get married and then after , BAM the guy turns into a jerk . then , to dump him costs money . when you live with each other it costs nothing .
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 9:12 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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Moonwalk
Posts: 272
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i think it is not only about monogamous or not......
1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
12. Commitment phobic men often will say they want a relationship, but they won't say they want a "no strings attached" relationship.
13. Their behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
22. They prefer not to include the woman in their weekend or holiday plans.
23. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
24. Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
25. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
26. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
27. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
28. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
29. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
30. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
31. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
32. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situatio
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 10:06 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship
27. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely. Wow these points sound very familiar to me...interesting. If a person is commitment phobic, they should not list long term relationship or marriage on their profiles. That way, any potential date or partner knows what she is getting into and decide to take a pass...In any case, communication is important. Not returning phone call and totally cutting the other person out of one's life is a cowardly way out.
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 10:16 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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Gman762
Posts: 3,291
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Christ...the ex-GF fit that profle to a Tee 
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 10:43 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
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They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 10:57 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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capobeachguy
Posts: 4,742
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Wow these points sound very familiar to me...interesting.
They should because they were plagiarized. Take a peek at this list.
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 11:03 AM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships
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CathyCRN
Posts: 4,016
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of course they were (without proper citation)...but that is not what I was alluding to. They sound like a person I thought I knew not so long ago
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| Sep 15, 2008 @ 12:57 PM |
Commitment Phobia in Relationships |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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A reminder...
It is never a good thing to intentionally deceive someone else. That goes without saying. However:
*Some people choose to refrain from engaging in "committed" relationships. This is not in itself an evil agenda. We all have one life to live, and should be able to choose to live it as we please in this regard. People who choose to remain uncommitted should not be vilified.
*Characterizing one person in the relationship as the victim and the other as the evil perpetrator is ridiculous. When people engage in relationships, they are free to continue or discontinue the relationship at any time. To claim that you were duped by a Svengali like man is absurd. Are you mentally handicapped? I've seen too many relationships where a woman stays in because she perceives that she is reaping rewards of one kind or another that make it worthwhile only to later claim she was somehow tricked into it when the relationship no longer tips the equation in her favor. Suggesting that men are the evil hunters and women are innocent victims is insulting to both men AND women. Are women that naive and helpless that they can be so easily led on? These are the days of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton. I think the days of buying that theory are long gone.
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