| Oct 31, 2008 @ 9:19 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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luneib
Posts: 732
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I found this to be a very interesting read, I think you will too. We are conditioned, socialized to be monogamous.
"New Models for Love, Family and Community
The Myth of Monogamy
The Monogamy Myth is the belief that monogamy is the norm in our society and that it is supported by society as a whole. The effect of believing that most marriages or committed relationships are monogamous is that if an affair happens, it's seen strictly as a personal failure of the people involved. This can lead to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation.
Where did monogamy come from?
Regulations of unions between men and women first became important when private property became important to a society as a consequence of the growth of cities; at that point, the males wanted succession to be concretized and regulated. This idea of private property also coincided with the onset of monogamy. Stricter monogamy and private property ownership worked together since the inheritance of the property was decidedly the children of the owner. Therefore, the father took the most logical means at his disposal to guarantee that his property was inherited by his genetic offspring.
Is Monogamy 'Natural'?
We, as citizens of a monogamous culture, are usually taught that monogamy is "natural" and that all other forms of sexual relations are wrong. But the evidence is clear that humans are capable of maintaining a variety of different mating patterns. It would seem, from this, that no particular pattern is innate to our species. In light of the fact that there are other societies that accept polyandry or polygyny as the norm, one can only conclude that monogamy, and the values of sexuality it implies, is a socialized institution. There is no particular marriage structure that is innate to the human species.
The Reality of Monogamy in Our Society
The reality is that monogamy is not the norm in our society, not by today's standards, anyway. Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women who consider themselves "monogamous" will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives.
According to the Monogamy Myth, society as a whole is supportive of monogamy and of people's efforts to remain monogamous, leading people to expect to have a monogamous marriage. This belief reinforces the idea of personal failure for those people who want to live up to the ideal of monogamy but fail to achieve it.
In reality, while society gives lip service to monogamy, there are significant societal factors that actually support and encourage affairs. Statistics and our own experiences indicate that it is the norm in our society for people to have more than one sexual / loving relationship at a time at various points in their lives. This may be in the form of extramarital affairs, serial monogamy with clandestine overlap, or dating more than one in a secretive way. In all of these scenarios, it is society's message that it is less offensive to lie to our partners than to admit that we have love for more than one. The deception, when revealed, usually ends one or more relationships.
We need to reject the Monogamy Myth to help relieve the sense of shame and inadequacy felt by those who have attempted to achieve our society's standard of monogamy and have failed. Since they keep their shame and anger hidden, they seldom get enough perspective to completely recover from these feelings, regardless of whether they stay married or get a divorce. This is best accomplished by dealing with reality, not holding on to a myth.
So, What Is Reality?
People are beginning to question the long standing myth of monogamy. Within American society, there exists relationships which pose an alternative to this traditional romantic ideal. What happens when we choose to let go of the Puritanical package we are handed as our American birthright, start telling the truth to the people closest to us and start trusting our hearts with the possibility of more love? Is the human species innately monogamous? Biologist Richard Alexander of the Human Behavior and Evolution Society stated: "Lifelong monogamous devotion is just not natural -- not for women even, and emphatically not for men."
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 9:48 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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Although many will instinctively rail against it in a knee-jerk reaction, this article is essentially, the truth. Far more married folks have committed adultery than have not. Non-adulterous marriages are the minority. Some highly confidential polls have indicated that has many as 85% of all married people have committed adultery at some point or will do so eventually.
I have told the story before and I will tell it again. When I was in my twenties I worked as a cna in a nursing home for a while. I was the only male employee working with dozens of young married women. In less than a year I found that there was not a one of these women who would not have sex with me under the right circumstances. Was it because I am a handsome stud? Not at all. It was because there was a lot of slack time in the later hours of the shift and the women were bored and horny. Most of them would hardly have acknowledged my existence had I asked them to dance in a singles nightclub.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 10:20 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,951
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The reason that society socializes people to do things that go against human nature is so that we do not act like animals. f***ing, or "marrying" everything that walks constitutes animal behaviour. Monogamy is the best way.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 10:54 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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swingpup
Posts: 4,105
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If more couples would simply understand that monogamy is NOT something that is "carved in stone" within our genetic makeup, life for some might be more enjoyable. If nothing else, it might be a little less stressful.
About one in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner. The rate is even higher among married men. And nearly half of people admit to being unfaithful at some point in their lives, according to the results of the MSNBC.com/iVillage Lust, Love & Loyalty survey.
With such a high percentage, wouldn't it be more enjoyable to explore outside sexual activities with your spouse or partner? For couples that "play" together with others where no emotional attachment develops, isn't that better then having a "go behind the back" affair? For many couples it is the answer. However it's certainly not for all couples.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 10:57 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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willowy1
Posts: 9,181
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swingpup those that feel that way about monogamy should STAY SINGLE > problem solved.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:01 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,129
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I have to disagree, Willow. Now I'm not saying that it's for me, but I do know that for couples, it has worked. Of COURSE for those couples, they built their marriages on respect. First and foremost. With that came effective communication. Someone may have entered their bedroom, but they did NOT enter their marriage.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:05 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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SaintBacon
Posts: 2,130
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Some couples manage to have a loving, intimate, caring and solid marriage...and enjoy swinging at the same time. They can separate sex from love. Certainly not for everyone, but if both spouses don't mind sharing themselves with others, I can't say I'd argue with them.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:09 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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willowy1
Posts: 9,181
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I do believe some men can and do separate sex and love...I have never been able to master the technique. 
If I sleep with you numerous times I love you.. and if I love you I get real selfish about sharing. You are mine, mine all mine. 
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:12 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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BigSexy62
Posts: 64
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You're gettin' me hard as a rock again Willowy1!!! 
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:13 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,129
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And that's certainly cool. I'm sure whoever you wind up with will respect that, cuz if he doesn't, I'm sure he'll get beat with a Willow switch. 
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:17 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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BigSexy62
Posts: 64
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I LOVE Willowy1 and Merchitown!!! Beat me with that Willowy switch!!! 
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:20 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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willowy1
Posts: 9,181
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as well you should we are freakin' wonderful
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:21 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,951
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I've never known an open relationship to end up lasting. Sorry.
With such a high percentage, wouldn't it be more enjoyable to explore outside sexual activities with your spouse or partner?
f***. that.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:27 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,129
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I have...and actually their marriage is a beautiful thing to behold. I'm lucky to have witnessed it.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:32 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,951
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I think swinging and polygamy is gross, and I don't care if I'm judging people. It's gross. That's my opinion. There are just certain thing I will not be tolerant of.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:35 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,129
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To each, their own.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 11:39 AM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,951
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Definitely, but it doesn't mean I have to tolerate it.
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 1:02 PM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,645
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I'm not qute sure if you are crossing over to ..openmarriagephobia....here??
(  )
what I am sure of is that this.. ..
If I sleep with you numerous times I love you.. and if I love you I get real selfish about sharing. You are mine, mine all mine.
makes me .... you go woman.... 
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 1:27 PM |
The Myth Of Monogamy
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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Uh boy...
I've always believed in the theory that evolution has conditioned men and women to pair temporarily and then split up. The theory holds that they pair just long enough so that any children that they bear reach an age where they can survive on their own.
This makes a lot of sense. A lot of other species do this.
And the empirical evidence for this is pretty good.
The average marriage lasts something like 12 or 13 years. Bingo. Just long enough to have a couple of kids and raise them to an age were they can “theoretically” survive on their own. Coincidence?
People clearly go through phases in life with respect to what kind of partner they need. Both partners needs change over time. What are the chances that both their needs will change at the same time and be the exact compliment to the needs of the other? Pretty slim I think. So it’s not surprising to me that people seek relationships elsewhere in order to have their needs met.
It’s not much of a leap from there to understand that some don’t want to take the risk of giving up the old until they are sure they are satisfied with the new. Hence “cheating.” And sometimes, it takes more than one other person to fulfill a set of needs. The results are an interest in more than one partner.
As to why it is more often men than women who cheat? Again it is millions of years of evolution. It has designed men to plant seeds and go, whereas women must bear and take the primary role in raising the offspring. Men were designed to be the hunters and protectors, women to be the homemakers and family raisers. This is why men tend to be more focused on the short term assets that a woman brings to the table and women tend to be more interested in a man’s stability and reliability so that he is more likely to stick around.
Yeah .... it isn’t PC
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| Oct 31, 2008 @ 1:48 PM |
The Myth Of Monogamy |
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youbetcha
Posts: 14,834
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I agree that it's not "natural" but that doesn't mean it isn't good, right or best. Not all natural things are good for us
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