| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:01 PM |
What about you ?
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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Everytime I speak with anyone regardless of race,age,height, weight,male, female, education level, financial status or whoever they are I veiw this as an opportunity. An opportunity to know something that I may not, or just to engage the living about who why what and where.
Now ! With that being said,
Marriage I thought was a team sport. Over the last two years or so I have spoken to alot of divorced people men and women. And the end result seems to be the same in each case. It's always the fault of the absent spouse and never the fault of the person telling the (He/she was an a**hole) story. I was just wondering, Has it come to a point where we are so self-consumed that we can no longer take responsibility in a relationship that we were clearly 50% of ? Is there no contributory neglegence that we can concede to sharing in a marriage gone bad ? Or have we failed to be truthful with ourselves let alone another in an attempt to win their approval of one who has it all together ? These are just some of the things that I hear and have yet to find recourse for.
He / She
Is an a**hole
Wasn't mature enough
Was a dog
Was a slut
and so on..............
I guess my question to you is what did you do to contribute to the destruction of your marriage? Did you not play anyrole in what went wrong? I have talked to very few who have said that they made mistakes and have learned from those mistakes and now are better people. But for the majority, pointing the finger seems to be the norm. I myself have never been married so this is a question that has lingered in my mind.
I guess what I am asking is: WHAT ABOUT YOU !!!
By the way, All of the perfect people who are divorced need not reply. Only seeking the truthful answers...............
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:06 PM |
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danae74
Posts: 601
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(I'm laughing gently...no emoticon for it) Silver, I have to agree with the sentiment of your question. There are only two things I seriously ask myself about my past failed relationships.
How did my immaturity and failure to understand myself & human nature contribute (and how can I do better next time)?
Why did I overlook basic incompatibilies (and how can I strengthen my own knowledge of self to prevent it happening again)?
That said, we all need a little ventilation sometimes, too 
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:09 PM |
What about you ?
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,703
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 I`ve never called my ex-husband names...name calling is childish...we remained friends after I threw him out..and the next 7 years before his death. And I admit I may have been at fault too.. after all it takes two to make a relationship work..
He may have been a drunk and a womanizer but he was still the father of my kids and for their sake didn`t resort to name calling or belittling him... 
Nice post by the way
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:19 PM |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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Ive got or had plenty of flaws. Still a work in progress.
With my wife my biggest mistake was in simply agreeing to marry her and playing "in love" when it was doubtfull at best. It made it a little too easy to lie to her and say things that I really didn't mean (the worst was in telling her that I never loved her. I wish I could take that one back). Interestingly enough I was more in love with being married and playing father than I was with her.
That's just my wife, we could go back and examine the really big flaws or forward to the two who followed my wife.
I think all would have at least a couple of nice things to say about me. The closer to the present the better I think.
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:27 PM |
What about you ?
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Angel54214
Posts: 12,442
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'Silver'...You can also see my topic thread I made a while back under Dating & Romance/Marriages-Failures and Successes. There are 28 posts on that thread that might help you on your questions.
Angel
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:29 PM |
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sciurusniger
Posts: 2,959
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...what did you do to contribute to the destruction of your marriage?
In my case the "destruction" was inherent from the beginning for I married for the wrong reason(s). And so I made very poor choices. It wasn't so much that either one of us was worse than the other, it was that together we were worst of all. I agree that relationships take two and both are equally responsible for the quality and duration of it.
Or have we failed to be truthful with ourselves let alone another in an attempt to win their approval of one who has it all together ?
This is an interesting point because, based on my own past relationship failures, I have learned that to see another person as having it "all together" is a mistake. We give them illusory power over us, that of an ideal, and instead of seeing them as a real, live, and complex human being complete with history and reactions to same we set our Selves up for feeling inadequate and then are later perplexed when they "fail" us.
Honesty may be sometimes painful, but it is preferable to feeling blindly stupid.
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:31 PM |
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danae74
Posts: 601
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I'll say one more thing before I go back to work...I've picked some doozies, but my choice reflects more about me than it does about them.
What's that old adage about "the company you keep"? 
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:32 PM |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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In my case the "destruction" was inherent from the beginning for I married for the wrong reason(s).
I married because I was lonely and I suspect she married because she wanted to take a shot at her husband.
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:34 PM |
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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I married because I was lonely and I suspect she married because she wanted to take a shot at her husband.
ROFLMAO X 3 = Killing me here........
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:40 PM |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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Seriously.
All 3 of us went to high school together. He was a jock who wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. She was a snobby cheerleader chick who wouldn't let me piss on her if she were on fire. I was a shy kid who ran with the wrong crowd and just tried to stay out of the way of the jocks and the cheerleaders.
How do you think he liked telling his friends that I was the one raising his sons and sleeping with his ex wife?
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:45 PM |
What about you ?
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,703
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ROFLMAO X 3 = Killing me here........
And I thought this was supposed to be a serious discussion in here
How do you think he liked telling his friends that I was the one raising his sons and sleeping with his ex wife?
Bet he didn`t like that at all..
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:50 PM |
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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Real life is often funnier than fiction.
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 3:51 PM |
What about you ?
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,377
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How do you think he liked telling his friends that I was the one raising his sons and sleeping with his ex wife?
Spongey, you are just too much!!
Back on topic-
I can only blame choices. In my defense, I was 20 years old and thought I knew it all. Even his mother told me not to marry him...mine offered me a trip around the world not to do it. The primary problem was that he was emotionally fragile. Under no circumstances would it ever have been a fulfilling marriage for me, but we might have stayed together if we hadn't had a child with multiple birth defects. He needed a mother far more than a wife, and while I'm definitely a nurturing type, I couldn't give him the kind of support he needed and deal with the demands of just keeping our son alive. His method of dealing with his perception of my neglect of him was to lash out, first at me, then at our son. I've been successful in avoiding fragile men, who are actually abusive control freaks in disguise, ever since then. And just to keep the record straight, there are just as many women who fit my ex's description as there are men...I've known some of them too.
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:00 PM |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,703
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Real life is often funnier than fiction
well my post was real life not fiction and it wasn`t funny...
not that I take offense at your words..
Because after all they are only words..
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:06 PM |
What about you ?
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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'Silver'...You can also see my topic thread I made a while back under Dating & Romance/Marriages-Failures and Successes. There are 28 posts on that thread that might help you on your questions.
Angel
I dont need any help on my question. I just want to see how many can be truthful about who they are. This question is about perception, questionability, responsibility and truthfulness. We pass mirrors everyday and refuse to look within at whats really important. So my question remains !
What
about
you !
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:07 PM |
What about you ? |
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Angel54214
Posts: 12,442
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Original post deleted by choice.
[Edited on 1/8/2006 4:26 PM]
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:10 PM |
What about you ?
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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Tinker? You know I lubya right ?
But read only the bold print here.....
I`ve never called my ex-husband names...name calling is childish...we remained friends after I threw him out..and the next 7 years before his death. And I admit I may have been at fault too.. after all it takes two to make a relationship work..
He may have been a drunk and a womanizer but he was still the father of my kids and for their sake didn`t resort to name calling or belittling him...
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:12 PM |
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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Danae You're a sweetie....
You always find a way to understand the question......
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:17 PM |
What about you ?
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Angel54214
Posts: 12,442
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Post deleted by choice.
[Edited on 1/8/2006 4:29 PM]
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| Jan 8, 2006 @ 4:18 PM |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,703
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 He may have been a drunk and a womanizer but he was still the father of my kids and for their sake didn`t resort to name calling or belittling him...
ok...oops..Tink made a big booboo I think..But I thought you meant in REAL life...not on here...ok..i give up lol...
No Offense taken Silver
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