| May 12 @ 8:39 PM |
Marriage
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jdctx
Posts: 225
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Yesterday while on my long drive home from work I thought about the subject marriage not what it ideal should be but what it really is at least for the majority
First you have to ask what is the true value of marriage it is a contract but how many couples do you know where both are on there first marriage that have been married for at least 5 yrs..
I know very few. In fact I have never known anyone like that except those in my family like parent brother sister and such.
I also thought ok so what have been the reasons given for the divorce. In the past I had heard reasons like well she had an affair or he was a drug addict things that clearly are damaging. NOW by far the most come reason I have heard by both men and women who submiit for divorce is ... boredom. I just wasnt happy.
There is more money spent now on weddings , ceremonies that at best have a 50% chance of success.
but even now marriage even with all the divorce and issue is needed to seem on the norm..
for example you ask me how old are your I say 41. you ask if I have ever been married. I say no..
Honest time. what it the first thing you think of...
well if your honest you wonder why I have not been marred and raise a caution flag
yet if I answer 41 and divorced. far less caution is thrown.
why because marriage has loss its value .. as its defined in truth it is saying that you had made a commitment and failed in that commitment whether if was your fault the others or both.
no fact without personal knowledge could be added to someone who has never been married except that they have never made the commitment.
To me its very sad to see how marriage has been so devalued and how quick people are to end a marriage and this is seem as the norm.
In my opinion a good number are best never being married and more questions should be made of those who have been and divorce then those who have not been married yet
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| May 12 @ 8:50 PM |
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willowy1
Posts: 9,184
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I was married until death do part. There were great years and not so good years but I made a vow and made the best of it. 
Just because people divorce does not mean that the marriage was a failure.  And when I talk with a man over forty and he tells me that he has never married.. I wonder what is wrong with him. 
Aww crap if he has been married more than twice I wonder what is wrong with him.
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| May 12 @ 9:10 PM |
Marriage
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wiccked
Posts: 12,300
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sorry-don't believe in it anymore
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| May 12 @ 9:21 PM |
Marriage |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Kinda like Santa and the Easter Bunny, right Wic? 
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| May 12 @ 9:22 PM |
Marriage
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wiccked
Posts: 12,300
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you mean they aren't real?????  
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| May 12 @ 9:59 PM |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,330
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And when I talk with a man over forty and he tells me that he has never married.. I wonder what is wrong with him 
Don't cha know...these men are always the experts on relationships
At least THEY think they are 
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| May 12 @ 10:09 PM |
Marriage
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Loreli
Posts: 25,398
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Most of the people I know that made it more than 5, are/were my parent's age.
I really believe the economy, both parents working, made it very tough.
Maybe the next generation will get it right.
My son is almost at 2 years.
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| May 12 @ 10:46 PM |
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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The real secret to any relationship and/or marriage is finding someone you are truly compatible with. On many levels, instead of just a few.
But many times we start to date, and just start heading down the path together, all in hopes it is forever, when we are ignoring all the signs and reasons to walk away and look else where. Add in a pregnancy, and before you know it, life didn't turn out as you or they planned.
Many think I never married because I was afraid of commitment, but the way I see it, I took commitment seriously enough to not get married to the wrong one(s) .
I loved them, and they loved me. But sometimes love isn't enough. It should be, but sadly it isn't.
I think many people settle, and down the road they meet someone else, then they blame their spouse for " trapping " them. They stay together for the kids, but look for fulfillment with someone else.
I also think too many people either marry too young and then have children, or just have children too early. Any combination of these will have good chance of building resentment down the road. I doubt if young people have any real idea of what they want in life. Suddenly you are middle aged, and wonder what happened, and ( back to me ) -------maybe I'm just picky and looking for the prefect woman ( for me )........ Is that so bad ?? 
I'll let you know in few more years.....  There is the chance of striking out without ever taking a swing, but I prefer to take the full count, and see if I can put one out of the park, instead of a sacrifice fly on the first pitch.
( For those who do not understand baseball, how many married young, struggled through many bad/worse years, only to find even the concept of ( a future ) marriage............... revolting? or place any verb you desire in it's place ? )
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| May 12 @ 11:08 PM |
Marriage
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jdctx
Posts: 225
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double post
[Edited on 5/12/2009 11:23 PM]
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| May 12 @ 11:08 PM |
Marriage |
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jdctx
Posts: 225
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triple post just read the last comment
[Edited on 5/12/2009 11:24 PM]
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| May 12 @ 11:22 PM |
Marriage
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jdctx
Posts: 225
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And when I talk with a man over forty and he tells me that he has never married.. I wonder what is wrong with him
There I think lays one of the root causes of a lot of mariage break ups
because you feel you have to because if you dont society in general will judge you
that it is better to have been divorced as sometimes worn as a badge of pride or honor
Well if only for the sake of marriage I can do that. But I value marriage and what it is supposed to stand for... As it is now what I ask for dare a even mention intergrity, honestly and commitment are the same things I give back.
but those things are rarely seen as good base..
I do not believe that a good portion of those who were divorced had a true longterm plan.. but more a commitment for BETTER with an escape clause for divorce.
It not my agruement to say ok this is how to make the marriage work .It will take at least 2 generations to get back to what marriage is about at least in the civil sensse and not even getting to religious.
My arguement is that we should stop seeing marriage as a must if you are not prepared to take the other in both good times and bad time.
That they are not the one to being your jester for entertainment whether because who you knew icould fit in a size 4 but now is in a size 12..or because your hard working husband lost his job is working two but you had to sell that nice suv and drive a staion wagon
I know I am way behind the times and my views of marriage in the ideal and not the actual real.
But I hope what I stay still make sense and has some value..
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| May 13 @ 12:35 AM |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,330
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Maybe men over 40 just get so scared of making a mistake that they try too hard. Maybe nobody will be perfect because they have made this immage in their head that is unrealalistic
I think many people settle, and down the road they meet someone else, then they blame their spouse for " trapping " them. They stay together for the kids, but look for fulfillment with someone else .
Very classic text book reasoning for not getting married. Is this in a book for unmarried men over 40? Cause unless you have experienced it, not sure how you can comment on why people marry or stay married
[Edited on 5/13/2009 12:42 AM]
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| May 13 @ 3:42 AM |
Marriage
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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The statistics show that marriage is a failing institution. A big part of the reason is that it seems to be a license for someone to steal someone else's earnings and property when they decide they no longer wisht to be together. The judges have way too much leeway when it comes to this crap and people often get screwed over in a way that shows no justice whatsoever. Two able bodied people who are both young enough and strong enough to make their own way? Why does one need to take the property of the other? Kids involved? Share the expense fifty/fifty. Shared property? Sell it and split the money. Period. Alimony is a total pile of crap.
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| May 13 @ 3:55 AM |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Safe bet you won't get married any time soon, Custis.
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| May 13 @ 8:23 AM |
Marriage
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Angel178
Posts: 36,330
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Maybe I was a little negative last night...sorry Blu.
I just had a bad experience and yes...I'm bitter. I guess I'm not sure if or why people stay together for any length of time.
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| May 13 @ 9:44 AM |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,398
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that it is better to have been divorced as sometimes worn as a badge of pride or honor I can't believe any person feels that way
Not with what it often entails to GET divorced.
Plus, it's not as frowned upon for 2 people to just live together.
(There's always prenupts)
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| May 13 @ 11:09 AM |
Marriage
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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I think many people settle, and down the road they meet someone else, then they blame their spouse for " trapping " them. They stay together for the kids, but look for fulfillment with someone else . Very classic text book reasoning for not getting married. Is this in a book for unmarried men over 40? Cause unless you have experienced it, not sure how you can comment on why people marry or stay married
Maybe I was a little negative last night...sorry Blu.
I just had a bad experience and yes...I'm bitter. I guess I'm not sure if or why people stay together for any length of time.
No big deal, but the statement at the top was more of an observation, not a reason for me or anyone else to NOT getting married.
I cannot tell you how many weddings I have been dragged to by the woman I was dating at the time. I did not know these people, I never saw them again, I paid for a gift, they gave me food and drinks.
Bunch of crap as far as I'm concerned. The people who you invite to a wedding... should be close friends and relatives, who know your spouse, and want to share the day the two of you are joined before God, to share the rest of your life together.
Not a bunch of people who feel obligated, and are afraid to say no, or have nothing else to do, and look forward to the party and free booze afterwords.
It has always meant a great deal to me, till death does us part are very strong words. I have and will never take them lightly. I have walked away from quite a few women who I loved, ( and loved me ) but since I/we didn't feel any marriage would be successful ( for one reason or another ), we parted as friends. I'm still very close to most of my ex gf's, and their children, and even their families. In my 25 year dating past, there is only 1 person I wish I never hear from again. And to be honest, I'm quite proud I have been able walk away before things got ugly. No use trying to put a square peg in a round hole for 5-10-20 years. 
If you're fighting over spending time with your friends, family, your job, MONEY !!!!!!!!, what to do on a Saturday night, who's this number in your phone, ect, ect, ect, ect.
DON"T MARRY THE PERSON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not rocket science.Just plain ol common sense.
Many times I look back ( especially during the holidays, birthday ect ) and wonder if I made the right decision( s ) . I have spent far too many alone, but I can also sit a drink a beer with many/most of the husbands of my ex-gf's, and simply be happy the ex's found someone, who made them happier than I did.
And there's nothing wrong with that .....
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| May 13 @ 11:22 AM |
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whatagal
Posts: 1,130
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Bravo Blu!!  Well said!
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| May 13 @ 2:35 PM |
Marriage
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MNgrownGApeach
Posts: 20
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What about women over 40 who have never been married?
I am one of those women. I've never been asked to get married although I did the asking but I digress.
I have single noted on my profile - have been asked if I'm divorced? My response, "No, I've never been married but I've never been divorced either."
There are times when I think it's better to date someone like me, whose never been married. Then I realize, single or divorced everyone has past relationship "baggage."
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| May 13 @ 8:09 PM |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,330
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Not a bunch of people who feel obligated, and are afraid to say no, or have nothing else to do, and look forward to the party and free booze afterwords It is a girl thing. We do not want to go to a wedding alone. I don't think it's wrong. They always address it yo "name" and guest
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