| Jun 6 @ 8:07 PM |
What is he thinking?
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moonstarr
Posts: 117
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Around three weeks to a month ago, a casual acquaintance and I had a discussion about the chances of possibly getting to know each other better and spending some time together. We sat up talking for hours that same evening.
We hang out about twice a week, some weeks three times. At this point, the physical aspect of things as well as the emotional side of it is there. He says he feels comfortable with me and feels the same way.
There is something about all this that I do not understand, though. He says we're more than friends but we're not in a relationship. This sort of in-between stage would make more sense to me if the circumstances were different. However, when he and I talked about things, he stated he would like both of us to also discontinue meeting any more people or date around.
We're not together ... but he prefers that neither of us meet anyone new.
How long should I give this to naturally progress into what is considered a relationship? My thinking is he may not "hedge around" quite this much if he was really interested. On the other hand, maybe he just has been hurt or really wants to take things slow. Perhaps my relationships in the past have been the exception to how most are, and this in between period is actually normal. Should I just give this a little time to see how this progresses naturally, like a couple more months or so?
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| Jun 6 @ 8:11 PM |
What is he thinking? |
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signme
Posts: 12,586
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Since you say the 2 of you do a lot of talking, ask him about it. He's the only one who can answer those questions for you. If you don't like the answers, move on.
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| Jun 6 @ 8:12 PM |
What is he thinking?
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Loreli
Posts: 25,401
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Well call some shots back at him if you are uncomfortable.
It SOUNDS like he cares-just don't let him use you.
Good luck.
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| Jun 6 @ 10:09 PM |
What is he thinking? |
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Kenn159
Posts: 4,402
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My thinking is he may not "hedge around" quite this much if he was really interested.
This was also my first impression based on your description.
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| Jun 6 @ 10:18 PM |
What is he thinking?
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,610
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I dunno, some people are really commitment-phobic. My SO and I were 'exclusive' from the gitgo, but it was a year before we had an argument that finally sealed the deal for us - it wasn't till I told him that I wasn't looking for a commitment, but I also wasn't about to be treated like a convenience. If he didn't think I was worth the kind of relationship I was looking for, he wasn't worth my time. We've been totally on the same page since, and I've never felt more loved in my life.
Different strokes for different folks, but at a month we were still learning about each other...and at that point I was still calling it FWB to myself, if nobody else. I'm not sure what I'd call it now, but whatever it is works for both of us.
You need to talk to him...I'm a bad communicator, it takes the last straw before I really make myself totally clear. I sure hope you're better at it than I am!
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| Jun 6 @ 10:18 PM |
What is he thinking? |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,354
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I'd say:
1. Don't have sex with the guy yet. If it's already too late for that then don't have any more sex with him for now. If it's going to last, there will be time for that later. If it's not, you sound like the kind of person who will regret it.
2. Give him a break! You've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. I'd say you need at least 2 or 3 months to establish if it is going to be a serious relationship. Just go with it, keep hanging out and see how things go. Keep it light and friendly and don't pressure him for commitments.
If he is really interested in something serious, he will let you know. One way you will know is if he's still hanging around even without any sex.
He may be telling you things because he feels pressured to. That's the last thing you want.
********* PS: Looks like you are still married. I wouldn't get in any kind of serious relationship at all until you are divorced.
[Edited on 6/6/2009 10:27 PM]
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| Jun 6 @ 10:37 PM |
What is he thinking?
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plowman
Posts: 1,283
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well, if he is as young as you are, he could be a bit unexperienced with matters of the heart, and not quite sure about how far he wants to go yet. also, if your still married but seperated, it could be in the back of his mind that you might get back together with your husband yet and that might be why he doesn't want you two to see other peoples. not sure. just go with it for awhile and see what happens! also, just make sure you keep coming back and let all of us know too! 
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| Jun 7 @ 12:25 AM |
What is he thinking? |
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moonstarr
Posts: 117
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Hey all, I appreciate the feedback.
At this point, I think I am going to back off the affection bit a little. Like was mentioned, I tend to think it will speak volumes if he sticks around if things slow down. For those who said to talk with him, yes, I have – it’s just that the answers weren’t super clear (that is when I heard the ‘we’re more than friends but it isn’t a relationship right now’ deal). I did not feel it would be appropriate to bring it up anytime soon, but the situation does weigh on my mind.
At first I thought it was mainly a surface thing, since I am dealing with a rough situation currently (which he is aware of) and he is dealing with a similar type of break up, though his was not a marriage. In talking to him though we found we have a lot to talk about. We have similar disorders which in itself is rare and means he and I understand many things about one another that others do not. We are both super into horror movies and love to talk about all sorts of issues in the world. We love to talk about our personal goals and beliefs, and we’re comfortable around one another to an extent that is incredible. And of course, that 'spark' hangs in the air.
Oh and as far as age goes, he's a few years older than I am. Almost 31. He's had one or two serious relationships but has never been married.
For those that mentioned, yes, I am currently separated. My husband and I are on alright terms – we consider ourselves somewhat friends and we still speak. We separated due to incompatibility but also because he has come out as being homosexual. Basically this means there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation. The attorney says it will be a fairly short divorce process, being no one is contesting anything.
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| Jun 7 @ 1:10 AM |
What is he thinking?
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signme
Posts: 12,586
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Sounds like you've got it figured out for yourself then. Good luck!
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| Jun 7 @ 2:01 AM |
What is he thinking? |
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moonstarr
Posts: 117
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Thanks ... I'm going to need it. Right now is a scary time in my life, but I am looking forward to my future.
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| Jun 18 @ 3:43 AM |
What is he thinking?
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Always_Striving
Posts: 8,794
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Maybe he has a Possessive - Dominence complex?
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| Jun 18 @ 7:29 AM |
What is he thinking? |
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oct_cat
Posts: 1,374
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At this point, the physical aspect of things as well as the emotional side of it is there. There is something about all this that I do not understand, though. He says we're more than friends but we're not in a relationship. This sort of in-between stage would make more sense to me if the As I read it, the physical aspect of things is there (meaning sex) but your more than friends but not in a relationship . . . .
Sounds a bit like friends with benefits. You both are currently going thru relationship break-ups so you are friends & talk & have physical intimacy but NOT a relationship . . . girl, I'd say that smells a bit of him using you. I agree with DR, stop the physical . . . I'm willing to bet he disappears.
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