| Jun 25 @ 2:06 AM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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sandradee000
Posts: 3
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Hi,
My hubby and I have been living in different states for a year now because during our separation, he decided to move back to his hometown. After he moved, we talked about getting back together for our families sake (we have a little one together and still love each other). The problem is I dont like the state that he now lives in and cant see myself being there without freaking out. My son and I moved to be with him last year but we left after a few months of being there because I hated it and I was scared everyday. Its a big and dangerous city with a lot of ignorance. Im back in my comfort zone and my son and I are doing fantastic, however, we miss dad. I really dont want to go back there and he doesnt want to come back here. Its a mess but I feel 1) I always seem to do the bending in this relationship 2) I should follow my husband wherever he goes. Im stuck, its like angel/devil on my shoulders. Oh, not to mention that he is always at work and we are always alone. Any thoughts?
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| Jun 25 @ 8:49 AM |
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Angel178
Posts: 36,330
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Leave your child in the "comfort zone". Don't let him make you move there if you don't want to. Mom and Dad should be working together to decides what is best for the "family". I would talk to him about your concerns. JMO 
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| Jun 25 @ 8:52 AM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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Kenn159
Posts: 4,402
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Good advise angel 
What city are you in now and what city is your husband in?
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| Jun 25 @ 9:37 AM |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,401
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Both partners should be willing to make a decision together.
I would also be concerned about the danger.....does he see that part?
And, if you never see him, then how can you build on your relationship with him, and he with his son?
Good luck...
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| Jun 25 @ 10:14 AM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,130
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Whoa, I'm a little confused...You're currently residing in Daly City? I would call that a dangerous city, one that I would not willingly drive through again. It's part of San Fran, much like the Bronx is part of NYC.
Is this where where your hubby resides...
Hi,
Im looking for suggestions on how others may have overcome fear of being alone following a traumatic incident. I moved to a new state with my toddler and 2 weeks after being in my new home, someone opened fire into my living room where I was standing. Nobody was hurt but having counted 25 bullets in my home, I haven't been the same since. Needless to say, I got the hell outta dodge but I can't find "normal" again. I've talked to therapists but nothing seems to be helping. I am petrified being alone and I feel like I'm hearing things all the time. I'm trying to keep it together so my child doesn't start having these fearful feelings as well. Any ideas? Thank you!
This wouldn't be the reason, would it? If so, I'd say, no, you don't want to move back.
Best of luck to you.
Edited for bad grammer.
[Edited on 6/25/2009 10:29 AM]
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| Jun 25 @ 10:21 AM |
Confused - should I stay or go? |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,662
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Angel is right.... ( based on the side of the story that was presented...) and Merch has a valid question...how much of the other side of the story... is based on your fears..vs real facts...
perception is everything..
and I did not gloss over the fact that you tried to live there..but was miserable....
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| Jun 26 @ 12:48 AM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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sandradee000
Posts: 3
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Hi all and thanks for your feedback.
Just to clarify, yes, the fear does play a huge factor however, I'm trying to look past that tragic incident and move on with life as best I can. I just dont think I can be happy there. Incident aside, I think the city life just isnt for me. I met some nice people there but didnt have anyone as far as family so it was lonely. Again, the incident did not help me reach the goal I set out for (i.e. being as a family) which is why I am going back and forth with the idea of going back. My son and I will essentially be alone 90% of the time due to my husbands proffesion which is why I keep thinking why leave the foundation and comfort that we have here just to go there and literally just watch him sleep for 6 days a week (meaning we are asleep when he gets home and he is asleep when we wake up and leave for work/school). I know marriage is sacrifice but I feel like Im sacrifcing too much.
Merch, I think you are thinking of Oakland as being the dangerous city near San Fran because Daly City, or at least the part I live in is a very quiet and family oriented city. I've lived here my whole life and have never seen anything close to dangerous here. Im on the coastal side and do realize there is a yucky side as you get closer to the city however, I'm in a more suburban type part of the town.
I know this sounds confusing - believe me, I think about it everyday and I'm starting to confuse my thoughts, but I appreciate your feedback. Oh and sorry for the long thread 
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| Jun 26 @ 11:00 AM |
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,130
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Nope, not Oakland, although I had to drive through there too in order to get to the Oakland Airport.
It was Daly City as I on purpose went there....never again.
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| Jun 26 @ 12:28 PM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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lj450
Posts: 9,550
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I didnt even read it, but my gut feeling says....go.
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| Jun 26 @ 1:12 PM |
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RavinLunatic
Posts: 1,289
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No offense but it does not sound like all that great a deal going back with him. Who says marriage is all about sacrifice? besides, there are three people in that relationship. If he is unwilling to do some of the sacrificing, then it is a poor example of a marriage. It only gets worse. All people have to work at it or the entire relationship will eventually go down the tubes.
At least you have comfort and security where you are already.
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| Jun 30 @ 7:59 PM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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soilikethisdoctor
Posts: 19
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You did the right thing love
Why?
1. for your child, to grow up in a decent community, and
2. for your own well-being
if dad doesn't want to move closer to you, dont sweat it
your kid may not like your decision for 'living away from dad', but stay strong - kid will thank you 1 day many years later when they understand (hopefully before you die..)
the above happened to me, thanks mum
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| Jun 30 @ 8:01 PM |
Confused - should I stay or go? |
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soilikethisdoctor
Posts: 19
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PS - i realised when i was 20, and mum knows it!
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| Jul 8 @ 2:36 PM |
Confused - should I stay or go?
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superjim
Posts: 3
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Why dont you guys move someplace you would both mutualy want to be??? Some beach somwhere, the mountains someplace else... Hollywood ;) Make it an adventure!
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| Jul 26 @ 8:40 PM |
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safaristars
Posts: 289
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SuperJim just said what I was thinking. Choose a new place that inspires both of you and try to make a fresh start ~ but only if you are in love with each other. Moving to his city is only a repeat of a failed past ~ and deep down I think you know it's a bad idea. Moving to a beautiful new city is exciting! 
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