| Aug 18 @ 10:55 AM |
past 5 months of my relationship....
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cary867
Posts: 2
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Hi I thought I'd join. This is a long one. Grab a Java.
I am living far from home so I do not have support when I need it. I need something....
To put things into perspective, we are both in a mature relationship, 30 somethings. I was hoping we would marry this year, I think she was hoping last year or before, we would be married.
My girlfriend and I are common law technical though not legally recognized -we are in Asia, she is Asian. We have been together for 6 and a half years. I have been living with her family for 5 or so years. She told me during an argument that she wanted to move which I didn't take for serious because I've heard before. Since English is not her first language, during fights, she will just say something to intentionally hurt. Sometimes that is way over the line, but for her English has sometimes no meaning, esp. at times of fighting. I explain this, because I have heard this move-out hurt ploy before and she was apologetic and reaffirmed that she just angry and being stupid.
Well the beginning of last month these words came out again, and other nasty's... unfortunately, we both have got in a swearing pattern over the years during arguments..... Since this last time she is sure that this isn't a game or a hurt ploy, that she wants to try to start over or just end up ---it changes--- not sure yet.
I mean, this is very recent, like LAST night. I know it was silly, but I stayed up all night -couldn't sleep- had to work like a zombie today. Called the folks overseas... they love her, but said to find an apartment and take a break for awhile. The whole, " on-a-break" thing freaks me out... I mean, the TV show friends, past experiences, stories etc... It never ceases to amaze me how the " take a break apart for while -bandaid-advice" pops up as the panacea for a wretched heart.
I suppose it is meant to be for healthy advice for a situation stuck in traction.
Back to it: When she first brought this up my reaction was shock, defensive and anger/pride. For me to move out, the 2 months rent, damage deposit, ultilities, phone, parking, buy a scooter ( I've been using her family's extra since my old one died) is easily going to cost 3500-4500 USD to get up and going. Not to mention, just finding a place..... then cleaning, moving.... really sucks. Now I am just inquiring who and where I can look to find a professional to help me find a flat.
Going back last month, was the worst I have seen her or close to. Not really in the verbal abuse per se, but just general apathy and no patience and a seemingly self trained lazer-beam-like negativity whenever tried to talk to her... basically instantly antagonistic and abrasive. This was especially wrenching because, though I had kept to myself in defense and relationship preservation I kept my heart positive albeit the mind wandered from confused, to angry to defensive etc... I had tried to approach her to hang out..... it has been at least 2 months since we haven't and 3 or more since we were last intimate ( I was respectfully waiting for her mood....) Anyway, when I approached her to hang out, I was greeted by a grumpy shell of the girl I knew.
She claimed I startled her ( hates to be startled) or that she busy or that I am bothering her ( she has OCD in cleaning /arranging).
My girl isn't a monster, though at times of her temper ( one would say she is a bit of a priss I guess - wealthy family, used to getting her way) is not cool. She often cooks for me, always does the laundry and cleans house for the whole family. Huge house and big family. This is a nice thing she does at a inhuman level of standard fueled by her anxiety. She beats everyone to the cleaning or she will just do it again anyway, so everyone has given up convincing her and everyone just lets her carry on with the cleaning. I gotta admit I have to. Especially since the level fastidiousness is not normal and being criticized for be a sloppy cleaner and not really being a help rather a hinderance - I guess I gave up that, too. Anecdote: I made her breakfast in bed 6 years ago, at the beginning and she flipped out. I learned quickly her anxiety / OCD of dirt or food ( crumbs etc) gets her goat. Needless to say, BB wasn't served again.
For 6 + years, all of our arguments have been created based on her anger when I have tried to reason with her and dissuade her from cleaning or her discontentment toward me or everybody ( which iin both cases, I heard it being the romantic link/crutch in her life). Anyway, ALL of the fights that has me to my new shi##ty reality ( to move out) have been stemmed from her drive to carry out her OCD. Anyone who knows ANYONE with OCD, stand in their way as to prevent them to carry out the compulsion ( relief) leads to panic and anger, usually anger and threats. While I have never physically stopped her from cleaning, though I wanted... (tears me up, seeing her waste her youth --- 3 and often 4, 5 hours a day of total rituallist cleaning) I never did. I have told her what she doing is unnecessary suggested she try to face her demons -not give in to the panic etc... but that made her angry. Also makes angry daily, especially last 5-8 months if I am around ( in the room ) whenever she wants to clean a room. Well, many times I was busy doing something on the computer etc and a sigh from me, well that could spark it.
Moving along, we have both had HORRIBLE night hawk routines. It began going to sleep at 2 am which led to going t
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