| Nov 1 @ 6:25 PM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here?
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Jelena2
Posts: 3
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Sorry its a bit of a long one!
We met on holiday a year ago. He was a very sweet guy. He told me
he was a sensitive guy and got hurt easily. He was crazy about me and I fell for him. We helped each other in various things and talked like crazy all the time - it was great.
I was skeptical but he wanted to carry on the relationship when we were at home - he asked me many times to come and move in with him.
But then, when it was possible a couple of months later, he got a bit freaked out by the enormity of it all and left me. 3 weeks later, he called me in the middle of the night saying it was the mistake of his life and he really did want to live with me.
Since then, we were together for a further 7 months, he has been the perfect gentleman - continuously told me over that period how much he loved me and wanted me to come and be his girlfriend, but I was working up trust again after what happened last time in order to come to see him.
(He lives in another country - its not easy).
Just as I am about to.. he suddenly told me, we are just two people who make
each other happy, and he didn't need to see it as "together".
I was confused by this and due to all the complications, said it was best as over. He seemed puzzled and slightly upset.
Two weeks later he contacted me telling me how much he missed me and I missed him.
We spoke again.
THEN a week later, he asked me to be honest about where I saw us (me and him) going?
I said I can meet him pretty soon (the truth) and if things were still the same between us when we saw agaib - then together.
He got a bit weird and said, OK maybe, but we will see, I dont want to hold u back and I prefer it if u see other guys until then.
I asked him if he met someone, he said: "no, I havent anyone, Ill let you know if I meet someone - I just want YOU to be happy, you're a lot younger than me, and as we are not likely to meet soon if you wanna see guys, that's fine and although I have a lot of feelings for you, I have to deal with it."
Later he told me: I really genuinely like you a lot. I think you're amazing. I would
like to be with you. But we live in separate countries and have been "on hold" for a long time now. It makes you wanna find a solution.
I told him maybe we could find one when I came. I am currently between jobs now and I am v young and know his country well - we had previously discussed me going there but I didnt bring that up at that point knowing how easily freaked out he is.
He said: will you only sleep with me if I am your boyfriend??
I got so angry at this (he'd told me many times before he loved me) and I lashed out a LOT because he knew how much I didn't wanna be used for sex.
Next day, he came online and said: please be honest, tell me honestly what
you would do if it was possible? If you were God, what would you make happen between us.. you can be totally honest now.
I said, we would meet and see how it was, and we could be together.
I asked him the same, he said: I don't know. I would like to see how it goes.
Later still, he comes online and says: Baby I have a lot of feelings for you and everything. You can come and put any label you want on it: friend, more than friend, girlfriend, wife. I don't wanna discuss it any more, If you wanna come, I'd love it. Let me know. But one thing is for sure that I won't continue to
have a long distance relationship.
I said that was understandable, which it is... but considering we have known each other for a long while, and he said: due to your living in the UK, we cant be together (but he has always known this and I find it strange),
Considering he lives thousands of miles away and I would be coming to see him - it's quite a commitment and I am concerned that it is too much and I am likely to get hurt considering he doesnt want to see it as "together" yet. Also as is not the first time he kinda ended it. I really have strong feelings for him, What to do?
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| Nov 1 @ 6:32 PM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here? |
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ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 9,987
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Holy Crap that was a lot.
Just wow.
This is what I can gather (this would be a great deal easier if you would tell this story in the order thing happened.
From what I can gather...he is a bit older than you.
You moved to be with him.
He did have a skittish moment in the beginning, but after that, settled in nicely.
Now...it sounds like you might have mistook something he said. you then backed off and when he wanted you to COME back, you made him feel skittish.
Basically, you two are a royal mess and had best say some REAL FREAKING words to each other.
You are in different countries for God sake. If you want to be with him, but want a commitment before making that kind of commitment yourself...you had best SAY SO. Be very clear about what your expectations are. For both him and yourself. How can he possibly know if he can fulfill them for you if you don't TELL him?1?! He's a MAN...he'll just be happy having you there. If you need more, tell him and let him decide if you are worth that or not.
This whole wait and see thing would have me shrugging my shoulders as well. You have to stop saying that to him. Either your in or your out. If you don't feel a sense of commitment and bond, then why should he? 
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| Nov 1 @ 6:34 PM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here?
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BandTMom
Posts: 38,040
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Ask yourself a question......Do you REALLY feel comfortable traveling 1000's of miles (probably on your dime) to see a man that is so wishy-washy?
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| Nov 2 @ 5:19 PM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here? |
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Jelena2
Posts: 3
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Thanks for this advice guys and also for reading my post.
ColdinWisconsin - great post. You're right, he's 7 years older than me. Problem is I got a little angry last time and now he won't talk about it. Although he initiated the talk he refuses to speak about it. Also, if you say to men: I want a commitment, that can make them run in the other direction. But I have nothing to lose.
He told me he WANTS me to be up front with him and say honestly what I want to happen - but how can I do that if he won't discuss it any more and the flights are expensive and my only other option is to forget it completely?
BandTMom - however, I also agree with you. A couple of times he has said he would come to see me (on his dime = better if he is not sure) but then he has also been wishy washy about that recently.
In summary he said:
- He has feelings for me and it is very important to him to see me
- He wanted to know where I see me and him going
- But hes not sure what will happen and definitely wont be in a long distance relationship
- He has told me he would like to be with me, and had no problems in the past calling me his girlfriend for months, but he no longer wants to put that label on it although he says he has nobody else there
- He says it's because I have a new job offer here (although the contract for that has not been finalised and I didnt accept it yet- I didn't tell him that yet and it has nothing to do with him - Im having doubts about the job) but he would HATE for me to forego any job for him, even if a temporary one and he doesnt wanna be in a long distance relationship
- He wants me to see other men until we meet - I am expected to go there
- He won't talk about finding a solution now
- If I want to come I can put any label on it I like
- He has said all he has to say and doesnt want to talk about it any more.
He can be very sweet and nice but these are not giving me a lot of choice.
It's expensive to buy flights and I feel against a brick wall.
I think right now the only option I have is to move on. I did start to date a few guys and I think if I want a boyfriend I should look somewhere else. I found it sad because even he commented on how close we became despite different backgrounds.
Furthermore, I have been incredibly busy this year and it was mostly him pursuing me - he told me often that he still loved me and asked if I was his girlfriend.
Every time we werent able to be in touch we both missed it a lot.
I am going to wait a week to see if he contacts me or what he says and if not - I'm going to have to forget it.
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| Nov 2 @ 5:53 PM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here?
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BandTMom
Posts: 38,040
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I think you have given yourself good advice in moving on.
It is very easy to fall in love on the net, but if he's that afraid of a commitment on the net, it's only going to be worse in person.
I don't think you want to find yourself 1000's of miles from home with no place to stay and no one to turn to.
I found myself in a similar position only 1000 miles away from home and thank goodness I DID have some to turn to and "rescue" me.
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| Nov 3 @ 9:34 AM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here? |
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PollyPureheart
Posts: 65
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find yourself 1000's of miles from home with no place to stay and no one to turn to.
Happened to me. Don't do it.
Like the guy who scammed me (convincing me to uproot my life to go to him), yours is probably talking to/seeing other women while he keeps you on the line. It's an ego thing for them.
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| Nov 3 @ 9:39 AM |
Dating dilemma - what is he doing? What am I missing here?
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chubs
Posts: 2,510
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if you do go though, just make sure there is a b&b close by in case its an extended stay until ya know enough about him 
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