| Feb 12, 2006 @ 7:42 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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JenRNinOhio
Posts: 4,161
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Last night I went out on my first *first date* in almost 4 years. We had been exchanging emails & phone calls for almost 6 weeks... Building up a pretty good friendship. His pictures were a little grainy.. not really clear ... but I had a pretty good idea.
*sigh*
In person, face to face...not what I expected. OK...shallowness is running rampant in my head... BUT...
OPINIONS...
Can chemistry develop over time?
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 7:52 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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sciurusniger
Posts: 2,958
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I think it depends on just how "different" was the difference you saw and felt when you met in person. Inevitably, our unspoken and oft-even-unknown expectations come back to bite us, yet even when quite clear things just don't click.
A photo doesn't show how someone moves, their unique little "twitches", and those things need to be in synch with our own in order for us to be truly comfortable with someone in person. It's rather akin to the intellectual and emotional empathy that develops via correspondence and phone calls. It's either there, or it's not.
If you feel enough to want to give it another chance, do so. If not, don't think your Self shallow. It's just the "luck of the draw" when it comes to meeting people online. Neither good nor bad. It just is.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 8:02 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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walkingman
Posts: 639
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Is there any kind of attraction there at all? . If there is not then I don't see how time will change that. Did you find you 2 had a steady conversation going all the time. There is nothing shallow about not being attracted to someone. It is just human nature. I am guessing you met him online. I know often doing that we find that the person is not what we expected them be . I know a pic can just be so deceptive at time's. It's sad but true. The word chemistry is so broad. I just feel that the attraction part is so vital. It is matter off how big a priority this is to you Jen. For me it is huge. I can't date a lady that I am just not attracted to. I do feel that is something you know right away when you meet a person. It is not being vain or shallow to feel that way. It is normal. If you have met online then the reaction you have is not un common. Think of it like a blind date. You can talk till your blue in the face but meeting in person is another story. I am not saying don't go out on a 2nd date.You need to just ask yourself" is it fair to you and him". I have been in your shoe's a few time's. It is just all part of meeting people.
I never have gone on the 2nd date but that is just me. Follow your intitial gut feeling. I alway's do that.
[Edited on 2/12/2006 8:07 AM]
[Edited on 2/12/2006 8:09 AM]
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 8:05 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,416
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Jen, some great relationships DO take time to develop great chemistry. If you had great conversation, fun and laughs, those are a great start.
I would have it in the back of my mind why he posted a bad pic-that's all he had? Or was he being intentionally dishonest? Not everyone can be a Brad Pitt or Mel Gibson, but they should try to be as honest as possible! Not to be makes them the shallow one.
IMO, if I planned to meet someone, it would be because we clicked on a personal or mental level first. If I really liked somebody for their personality, I would give it a few chances. (I have dated some men I did not think were that great looking, and they became very beautiful because of who they are)
Good luck!
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 9:42 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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raykl
Posts: 566
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Nope
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 9:44 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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Greystone1
Posts: 1,677
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Can chemistry develop over time?
I have found that it just doesn't work for me. I have met some very nice ladies and tried to make it work. It just doesn't. If the attraction isn't there, it isn't there.
If there is distance involved, that just makes it worse. One or both of you has gone to a great deal of trouble, just to find out that the attraction isn't there.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 9:52 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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There's no question that physical attraction plays an important role in every relationship. However, unless a person is really turned off by the way his/her date looks, they should give the physical element a chance to develop. Sometimes, a date may not initially seem like your "type," or fit the ideal you fantasize about, but after a couple of dates things may appear different. This happens more often than you think.So if theres no initial chemistry I don`t think there ever will be any.But thats up to the individual to determine. 
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 9:54 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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JenRNinOhio
Posts: 4,161
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Luckily the distance was only about 25 miles. I don't even consider anyone over 50 miles away.
However, if I did....
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 10:02 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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 Wow, Jen, first date in 4 YEARS???? Where you been hiding? 
Yes, I think chem can be developed, but only if there's enough going on in the first place, like common interests, similar humor, honesty, maturity, faithfulness, etc.
Now, if there's absolutely zero "physical" attraction it would be very difficult to get things out of the gate, for the simple and understandable reason that relationships usually don't develop if someone repulses you.
Jen, does this guy completely turn you off, or is there at least a glimmer of attraction that can be worked on? 
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 10:08 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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JenRNinOhio
Posts: 4,161
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First *First Date* in four years. My last *First Date* was the beginning of a 3 1/2 yr relationship. Took a little time to get over it.
Motown...He does not repulse me... not a complete turn off. I am embarrassed @ my own shallowness here. Just no physical attraction at all. damn
Ah well...
Thank you all for your opinions... Not sure where this may go. If you're interested, I'll update here.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 11:22 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,370
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For me, it's always been an instant attraction. I can build friendships with people I'm not physically attracted to, but not physical relationships. I've been physically attracted to people with whom I've had to work hard (through romance) to build a physical relationship, but when the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning, there's little (no) chance it will develop with me.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 11:25 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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but when the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning, there's little (no) chance it will develop with me.
*sigh* 
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 11:33 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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Jonathan30UK
Posts: 6
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Hi,
I think alot depends on what your attraction was before you met him. If you were purely attracted physically then probably no - however what was so different if you had a pic surely he somewhat resembled what you held in your hand?
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 11:40 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,370
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*sigh*
Don't fret, Spongey - you're IN... 
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 11:46 AM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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ladyraindove74
Posts: 290
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**sigh** Yep...sigh is right. Hmm, my two cents for what it's worth...I do think it can be developed. Why not look at him as a new friend. Don't put more into it than that for the moment. Enjoy what you can learn from this person, enjoy him for who he is, not how he looks. IF there's no chemistry that develops into intimacy, you've not really lost anything, but maybe have gained a great friend. Very few people have both types of beauty...inside and outside. Aaah, just my opinion...look within to find the qualities you seek and see what compatible links exist.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 12:45 PM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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horselady9
Posts: 144
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Well.. there's chemistry, and there's physical attraction. I've met some very attractive men over the years, but if the intellectual and emotional chemistry wasn't there, the physical attraction just headed out the window. By the same token, if the real chemistry is there, it's amazing how that person will become attractive and even irresistable.
It all depends upon what you're seeking in that relationship. I'd much prefer to work on expanding a friendship where interests and attitudes and values were in sync - and if that friendship develops into something more (or different... there's little to rival a real friendship), so much the better! You might surprise yourself!
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 1:09 PM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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Angel54214
Posts: 18,201
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I agree with "horselady" here...
The physical part is the eye candy. When meeting some one new and the physicial attraction is border line or the chemistry isn't instant we make a decision to either try again or move on. Decisions, decisions, etc. Its called dating! The process of getting to know some one and how that person fits on you in your life and inner motions of being. Some people grow on you while others don't. Best to ya Jen on your decision...
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 1:20 PM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,620
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Horselady, I think you and I are pyschic twins, at least occasionally. Same thing's happened to me - extremely strong physical attraction that just fizzled without other things to help it develop, while far more neutral reactions developed into pure fireworks as we got to know each other...there was even one that I actually remember thinking 'what a totally unattractive individual, poor guy', that eventually rang my chimes big time.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 1:36 PM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed?
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Classy_Blonde
Posts: 6,034
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I know how I am, and I have to be attracted from the start. It doesn't sound as though you will change your mind, but don't feel guilty about it. You can't help it if there is no spark.
I would keep him as a friend. As long as he can handle being nothing more than a platonic buddy, then it could be nice to go out and do things together. I have to admit, I've had a problem with men not being able to be good friends, because they want something sexual. Because of that, the friendship dissolves.
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| Feb 12, 2006 @ 1:42 PM |
No Initial Chemistry... Can It Be Developed? |
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luvshorses644
Posts: 1,571
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Horse Lady & Heaven..
Agreement with both. Physical attraction is great to look at and initially draws individuals. But, I too have met some really attractive men who, after actually being in their company, the physical thing was fleeting as there was no other commonality to link with. And, again, in agreement, those individuals that I met thinking, OK, not exactly what I am atttracted to on a physical/visual sense turned out to possess qualities that eventually spun my head around and awoke my other senses.
I believe this is totally an individual process and depends quite a bit on the uniqueness each of us are made up of. You need to listen to what that inner voice tells you about an individual. I often think of it as on a parallel with someone that cannot see. They cannot judge the book by the cover, but rely on the inner personality to rule and hone the values the individual possesses.
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