| Feb 16, 2006 @ 12:07 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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Always_Striving
Posts: 8,794
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I believe that most people are in denial if they say they haven't given up their friends. Why do I think this is true?
People generally say that when the "X" is gone the friend is still there. No, I don't believe there's truth in that old saying because when people get seriously involved, they drop or withdrawl from their friends and spend more and more time with their romantic interest, or spouse.
I guess it may be thought of as growing up and moving on?
Ask married people how many singles they know, the majority will say....NONE.
When my friends starting getting married they started making exuses or saying stuff like this......"Oh yeah, we have to get together sometime like we used to..." I hear this same message time after time, but no phone call or plans have change because of a sick child, or lack of sleep, stuff to do with wife, etc....
T.V. at home has become more interesting instead of hanging out with the bro's or buds.
Get the idea?
Are people in denial when they say that their friendships are for life? Bro's before Ho's? Same question for women.... Do you drop your single women friends? I know married women with families that tell me they don't know any single women friends. Maybe I am naive and I'm missing something.
Give me your feedback.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 12:21 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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Well sometimes theres no other choice but to do just that..
I never gave up my friends though when i was married and my husband never gave up his..but then its easier when your in a marriage in name only.. 
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 12:44 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Personally, I think that the best and most balanced relationships are like this... he has his friends/life, I have my friends/life and somewhere in the middle, we have our life together. I think if you have to give your partner 100% of your attention (or expect it from him/her) then something is wrong/unhealthy. All of your needs cannot be met by one person and that is a lot of pressure to put on someone. Not to say that anything is off limits or kept secret but I think it's very healthy for the guy to have some guy time and maintain his friendships just as it is healthy for me to have girl time and maintain my friendships. Living with the belief that you must be able to talk to your lover about absolutely anything is unrealistic. We all need different people in our lives for different purposes.
I take my friendships and familial relationships very seriously. Yes, I have lost friends because they got married and made the decision (whether conscious or not) to concentrate completely on their significant other. I never have and never will do that. I have even had friends come back after years apart because they got divorced. I always welcome them back but they generally leave again as soon as the next "love of their life" comes along. Also, I have had friends who left because I was viewed as a threat by their new significant other because I'm still single and if they hang out with me, they might get into trouble. Ridiculous concept, but very real in the heads of insecure people.
I look at it like this... if you ignore the other wonderful relationships in your life and pour ALL of your energy into a single relationship and something happens (break-up, death, etc.) then what are you left with? Is it really realistic for me to dump a friend I've known for 35 years or even 10 years for someone I just met? I love my family and friends very, very much and if I fall in love with a wonderful man, my feelings for them and the desire to maintain and grow those relationships will not change. My time may be a bit more focused with my guy and growing that relationship but I always make every effort to make time for EVERYONE that I love.
[Edited on 2/16/2006 12:53 PM]
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 12:59 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,629
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Um, the friends that my husband and I have are mostly single. Of course, most of them are divorced or widowed, and have children. They have been through the years of child raising and trying to find "the one". They are ok with who they are and where they are. I imagine some of them would love to find the person of their dreams, but they are not out "hunting" for that person. If it happens to them it's ok, if not they are happy with what they have.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 1:01 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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torees121
Posts: 739
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I have given up friends for a guy. Never will I do that again however.....
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 1:14 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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manchild17
Posts: 29
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i have an interesting viewpoint on this. My roommate started to see some girl. And well we never saw him anymore. He was at her place like 96% of the time. The funny thing was we discovered that she was mad she was spending all of his time at her. Infact she even got madder when she discovered we had a 50" HDTV and he wanted not to bring her over. He would have rather watch TV on her small 19". We all thought she was control but it was the reverse.
Then again, I understand that he didn't want to bring her over with roommates all over the place.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 1:18 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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littleross
Posts: 249
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Oh Striving, I have to reply to this one! I have friends who I've known since I was 12 years old! And even though we don't see each other often - simply because we are a continent apart - we have remained close through boyfriends, husbands, divorces, and death.
However, the friendships have changed over time. We have gone from talking about boys at 12, to partying, dating, and weddings at 20. In our 30's & 40's we talked about our marriages and children, divorce, and loss of loved ones. I don't know what the future is, but I know we'll still be friends at 50, 60, 70, etc.....
Moral of the story: Your friends do remain. It's just the dynamics of that friendship which change. Maybe you aren't "hanging out" anymore, but you can work at meeting for lunch, holiday parties, talking on the phone, etc.....
So yeah, I still hold to the saying: "lovers come and go, but friends last forever"
Just my thoughts. 
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 1:48 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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greenizenora
Posts: 629
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I wasn't going to come in here because I should be writing a paper. . .bad, bad, bad. . . 
I've gotta agree with littleross. I have a few very long term friendships. . .they're more like family.
Those friendships have survived and flourished through marriages, children, divorces, a spouse's death, and a "coming out of the proverbial closet" even though I already knew his sexual preference.
It takes some work. . .but the payoff is priceless. . 
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 2:11 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
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All I can speak for is myself....and I would hope my best friend, lover and life mate would all be one in the same....doesnt mean...I would not enjoy lunch or seeing my friends...just means....most of my time would be invested in my relationship....and I would hope we would all become close.....regarding any mutual interest...
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 3:06 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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I would not say I "gave up" my friends when I got married. I may have seen them less often because I was more focused on building a relationship with my husband (too bad it died), but the friends were still there after the marriage ended.
If someone I was dating said I could not see my friends, for whatever reason, that would be the end of that .... for the person I was dating, not for the friends.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 4:38 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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Altogirl is right on with this statement:
"All of your needs cannot be met by one person and that is a lot of pressure to put on someone."
I unconsciously lost many of my friends through out my marriage and have rekindled only one of those friendships since my divorce. Since I'm now aware of how I let those friendships fade, I will take a much more active roll in keeping the friendships I'm making now!
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 4:44 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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ruready4me2luvu
Posts: 1,737
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I still have the same friends I have had for many years. Any man who has ever been involved with me has met them all and knows how important these long term friends have always been to me and my family. He has his friends and I have mine and never been a problem having all of em together at one time for a cook out or a night out. Being a couple doesn't mean not having a friend left on this earth.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 4:50 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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Snappygoddess
Posts: 5,106
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Neither my fiance or myself has given up any friends since being together. And yes, we have friends of the opposite sex also.. good friends that have been around longer then he and I have been together.
We agreed from the beginning that even though we love each other deeply.. we still need our friends. There is enough trust and respect for each other that we do not need to be only with ourselves. We feel that you have to trust before you can love.
Both of us value our friendships and don't feel the need to give anything up to be together.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 5:21 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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giftylight
Posts: 87
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I think "giving them up' is really the wrong term in most cases. Life circumstances change when one becomes involved in a serious relationship. those very close friends from ones single life know this,understand it and evolve with you thru your life, as you should with them and their life as well.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 6:34 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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Most of my friends have been friends since we were preschoolers, so I guess it's safe to say no. It's also important to note that my friends would never put me in that position.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 6:49 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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father_heart
Posts: 1,110
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LOL are you fing kidding me?
ill never be made to be given the choice.
co exsitance works well for those that are mature enough to handle it.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 8:14 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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Solitaire
Posts: 1,359
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Relationships change over a lifetime. The intensity and activities we have with our friends also change as life changes. The gotta-hang-with-my friends 24/7 phase ends...sometime I hope, whether by going to school, getting a job, significant others, getting married, having children, starting a new business or career or, well even making new friends. Real friends aren't gone for good because they are going through a lot of the same things too. You keep in touch, get together every once in a while and still remain friends, and when you do, it's like no time has passed.
If your friends or family get hooked up and don't seem to have the time for you that they once had, well that is life. I don't mean they should drop you totally, but it probably can't and shouldn't be what it was when you were kids, or in college, etc. If their romantic or intimate relationship is to work, then hopefully they will prioritize that relationship. Intitially it may seem excluding of you, but as the newness and intensity settles, they will have time for friends again. The things you do together are going to be different too. Not likely that you're going to go hang out playing pool, drinking, and flirting with members of the opposite sex any more. It might mean you join the same pool team, but time is limited from all night to a few hours.
Reality is that if you can't adjust to their relationship limitations, maybe you have to find new single friends to play with.
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 9:20 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
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Very well written and expressed...Solitaire
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| Feb 16, 2006 @ 9:45 PM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage?
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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I think it's more of a process than a decision. You have your single friends in school, then you get a job, and meet new people there, then you get married, and make friends with her friends (and vise versa), then you have kids and then you barely have time for your spouse much less going out with friends.
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| Feb 17, 2006 @ 3:47 AM |
Would you give up your friends for dating or marriage? |
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JesterDrawers
Posts: 11,116
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I think LSU hit it squarely on the head there....
And to add a bit, we all like spending time with our best friend. When in a relationship, my SO IS my best friend, and that's who I prefer to give the vast majority of my time and attention to. Given that, and the other pressures on one's time just from one's daily routine, and it seems like there is precious little time left over just for friends.
Historically, it just seems that when I'm involved with someone, that someone IS my world.
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