| Feb 20, 2006 @ 12:24 PM |
Childfree
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Magickman
Posts: 128
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Childfree is a term used to describe those who do not have, and do not desire, children. An alternative description is "childless by choice".
That's me. I'm childfree. Actually, I am cheating, because I am not married. But I think single people can be childfree, too. Mostly, though, it is a married thing to be childfree, to make the choice not to have children.
From time immemorial, people (mostly married people with kids) have smugly told me how I would change my mind, and decide to get married and have children. "It's different when they are your own," I was repeatedly told. Yeah, then the kids are so much harder to get rid of.
People with kids are a little like professional sports franchise owners. They expect public subsidy from the taxpayers. Especially the welfare families with eight kids.
It is not my particular business if a couple wants to have children, although I would prefer that they didn't. My choice in this matter was made over thirty years ago, when I had my vasectomy. This was my personal contribution to population stabilization.
Childfree is a good thing, if it limits childbearing to those who have both the desire and the means to raise children. Lots of people have children without giving it much thought. Childfree life is not for everyone, but it should be an option.
People who choose to be childfree, are frequently stigmatized, and denigrated for their decision. That is just so wrong. Having children, or not, is a personal decision.
Both Canada and the United States allow individual choice and freedom concerning fertility choices, although in the U.S., right wing pro-natalists are in seeming ascendency. Higher populations and resource scarcities may, in the future, result in increasingly draconian governmental population control policies.
Consider the possibility, that someday, childbearing may be permissible only upon application and licensure, perhaps with a healthy user fee or tax.
As for now, it is an individual option. For now.
Over in China, childbearing is strictly regulated by the government, and birth control mandatory, by one means or another.
Admitedly, I am outspoken about being childfree. But that is a decision only about my own life. It was my choice, and only affects me. I am not the bedroom police, nor the fertility commissar. I have no control or influence over other people's child bearing.
Having my own pitiable life to live, I do not have time nor inclination to look down on the childed. It has been a great and magnificent joy in my life, that I evaded the parenthood trap. I have never regretted being childfree.
In conversations with the married and childed, it has come to my attention how sensitive they usually are, about the correctness of their lifestyles.
If I say how very happy I am, to have avoided marriage and parenthood, that is frequently interpreted as a personal attack on their life choices.
Out in the world, one may encounter all kinds of nuts and cranks; UFO buffs, religious fanatics, Deadheads, communists, dopers, dipsomaniacs, and psychos of all flavors. Many of them have nuggets of wisdom, embedded in their twisted thoughts. I enjoy meeting all different kinds of folks.
But I do not take their particular views, different as they are from my own, as personal attacks on me.
THE BIG QUESTION? Why do married and childed people, who are the considerable majority of humanity, get so excited and defensive in the presence of alternative lifestyle practitioners? What is so threatening about about a childfree bachelor? And, of course, is childfree a handicap in the dating and mating game?
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 12:37 PM |
Childfree |
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torees121
Posts: 739
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I do not date men that do not have children. I tried it a couple of times and it didn't work out. 1) They didn't understand that my children come before they do. 2) If they didn't already have children of their own, sometime they would want their own children. I am not having any more children through birth.
I do not care if people have children or not (or than if they want to date me). My best friend has no children. Her and her husband made that choice over 18 yrs ago when they got married.
Everyone has their own preference. These views are mine.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 12:52 PM |
Childfree
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7eternity
Posts: 223
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I don't know why a man wouldn't want a child if he was able to reproduct. To me, it's weird or that he is selfish enough to want to care only about himself ('cause everybody is selfish). Nowadays, nobody has to have children with sex. So, even if the guy didn't want to marry, he could still adopt, and that's not the only way to create a baby. What's the completeness of oneself while one was alone all life (no wife, no kid) ?
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 12:54 PM |
Childfree |
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Kat_luvr
Posts: 716
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Im with Torrees on this. A man without children can never understand the time and devotion it takes.....like NO SPONTANIETY!
As for the Couple who chose not to have children? To each his Own...I neither frown at or cheer them on....makes no matter.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 12:58 PM |
Childfree
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torees121
Posts: 739
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A man without children can never understand the time and devotion it takes.....like NO SPONTANIETY!
 Kat--spoken like a true mother 
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 1:03 PM |
Childfree |
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Loreli
Posts: 19,317
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It is a huge generalization to say that people with children look down on those unchilded. I was somewhat friends with a lesbian many years ago-it didn't turn me into one, didn't make me want to be one. I also didn't look down on her choice in life. A person is a person. There were places her and her friends hung out that I did not want any part of because I don't personally like that type of thing. If you are around people that try to make you feel guilty for not having children, you could find others without children to hang around. Just a suggestion. 
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 3:05 PM |
Childfree
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 14,787
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THE BIG QUESTION? Why do married and childed people, who are the considerable majority of humanity, get so excited and defensive in the presence of alternative lifestyle practitioners? What is so threatening about about a childfree bachelor? And, of course, is childfree a handicap in the dating and mating game?
I'm neither excited nor defensive, and far enough along in life that it's not a concern to me personally. I try to avoid generalizations, but the men I've dated who were 'unchilded' tended to be more rigid than those who were 'childed'. It might be that those of us who've raised or are raising families have been forced to learn to roll with the punches and accommodate the unexpected more than those who've been single and childfree. And yes, I'd consider that inflexibility to be a handicap in building an intimate relationship....but that's just my opinion.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 4:30 PM |
Childfree |
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Magickman
Posts: 128
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It seemed likely that writing about childfreedom would instigate some controversy. But I had no idea how strongly the discord would resonate here.
The salient issue is not so much childbearing, as it is the process of partner selection, in light of lifestyle choices.
Raising children is the most important life task, for many people. They devote themselves to it wholeheartedly.
For others among us, children are not a priority. One choice is not universally better than the other, and different choices will be better for diiferent people.
Never having desired children of my own, I am convinced that it was the right thing for me not to become a parent. And honestly, I would not be interested in anything resembling step-parenting someone else's kids.
That is simply the way it is, neither good, nor bad. But it does suggest mate seeking guidelines for me, and my potential partners.
I have dated women with kids, and determined that it is not for me. Others will say the exact opposite of what I think. This differentiation helps us to make better choices of who we will date or marry.
Machine Gun Mary, out in New York, is gunning for me.
7eternity, here in my home town, thinks I am weird and selfish. Heaveninawildflower suspects that I would be rigid, a "handicap in building an intimate relationship."
It is a benefit to the mate seeker, that they determine what characteristics of a partner, would be the best fit for them. Exchanges like this help us to clarify such issues, and guide our searches.
I am not a bad guy, merely someone not cut out for fatherhood. I consider it wise for me, rather than selfish, to stay clear of the "dad" role. To pretend otherwise would be dishonest. And I do not need to add dishonesty to my resume.
[Edited on 2/20/2006 5:43 PM]
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 4:52 PM |
Childfree
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,368
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I prefer dating women who have children. They GET what it means to have responsibilty that sometimes overrides everything else. My kids are a huge part of my life. Nothing is ever going to change that. I don't know if this is on topic - since "Too long to read" doesn't seem to mean anything to some people... 
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 4:55 PM |
Childfree |
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scarletsara
Posts: 239
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Our children are that part of ourselves that is lost, the innocense the
true joy in life, so many good things. Without them life would have
no color. Maybe you are color blind 
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 4:56 PM |
Childfree
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AngelLight
Posts: 5,449
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Mag, if you consider it wise to not have children it is certainly best that you do not. I think that's a very wise choice.
While many people who do have children do a wonderful job raising children, many other people who have children probably should not have had them...they don't know how to take care of, love, nurture, or whatever the case may be.
Then there are some who want children but may not have the means to take care of children or the social/familial support to sustain a family.
Some people simply don't respond well to children, or maybe some simply never have had the desire to have children....maybe just not "wired" for children?
I don't know, all I do know is if a person knows they do not want the role of being a parent then I think it is a wise decision to go with what they know about themselves. And, that's what you have done and are doing.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 5:12 PM |
Childfree |
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JesterDrawers
Posts: 10,897
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Angel - well put....I think you hit the nail squarely on the head.
Whether one has children or not does not make a person better or worse than any other. Indeed, it would be a tragedy, I think, for someone to be a parent that really had no desire or inclination to be. So it's a matter of individual choice, to be respected no matter what that choice.
I've got two sisters, both younger. One is 50 now, has never been married, has no kids, has never wanted any, loves MINE to death but knows she can spoil them and give them back. The other sister is very much married and has two kids of her own. Both made EXACTLY the right choices for themselves - as you have done, Magickman.
I have a LOT of kids...and I'm happy for that.
You have NO kids...and you're happy for that.
Bottom line - we're both happy - and that's GREAT!
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 5:28 PM |
Childfree
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AngelLight
Posts: 5,449
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...and so are the potential children that might have been born.
I don't think it's selfish to not have children if you know you don't want them...I actually think it's unselfish because in a sense, you are protecting those who may not be cared for, attended to or loved if you did have them
JMO
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 5:34 PM |
Childfree |
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Kat_luvr
Posts: 716
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Nevr having desired children of my own, I am convinced that it was the right thing for me not to become a parent. And honestly, I would not be interested in anything resembling step-parenting someone else's kids.
A Wise man who can recognize this in himself and admit it and not bend to the whims of what SOCIETY DICTATES.
One less neglected or abused child in the world. Now if more people would realize they are NOT cut out to be parents maybe the issue of abuse would go away.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 5:46 PM |
Childfree
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Silvertongue62
Posts: 6,932
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I think that is a very broad generalization. I do not have children but I do love them. Probably more than their parents at times. True idiocy is to lump all individuals (different people) into one basket. Seems very prejudicial to me. The equivalent of stating I dont date people who drive buicks or who wears a suit to work or whatever deems your royal blue blooded nature. Thats just my opinion your (hiness)
Learn to judge people on thier own merits and not yours !
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 6:00 PM |
Childfree |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,737
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 I don`t think a man is selfish just because he doesn`t want to have kids ...I`ve dated a few guys who thought the same way but it didn`t matter to them that I myself had kids..and they were good with them...you don`t have to be a parent to understand a child...or to love one....
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 6:08 PM |
Childfree
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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although in the U.S., right wing pro-natalists are in seeming ascendency
So you're making a political statement? What the h*ll is a pro-natalist?
It's actually nobody's business but yours whether or not you want children.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 6:08 PM |
Childfree |
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walkingman
Posts: 639
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I am a single parent and would never date someone who has never been a parent. I have tried it and it has not worked out. There is a different mind set to being a parent. I would never judge someone who has never been a parent. It is simply a matter of choice. My brother and his wife never had children. I respect his decision and they are wonderful to my children. We have all the right to do whatever we want to do. I prefer to date a single mom while you choose not to. Good for you and good for me.
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 6:11 PM |
Childfree
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DwainP50
Posts: 5,009
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Nothing wrong being un-child. That is a choice that is made by you and you only. You seem to have thought this out and made a plan to carry it out. That is what most adults do. Now if you feel that you have to explain your decision to every Tom, Dick or Harry. Maybe there is some self doubt for you to work on. Or get new friends who have a clue.
Myself If I decide to date someone who is un-child, some of our talk would be their reason why. It could be because they have grown up, can't have children or don’t want any.
The only reason we will talk more about "don’t want any" is to see where she is coming from. A positive response will be they
like children, but don’t want any of there own for example, but Negative response would be "I hate the little brats!" Then a red flag goes up.
Now if you want me to get all glassy eyed I could go on and on about my girls! But then I wouldn’t want to subject you kind folk to that!
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| Feb 20, 2006 @ 6:13 PM |
Childfree |
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Jankia
Posts: 8,800
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THE BIG QUESTION? Why do married and childed people, who are the considerable majority of humanity, get so excited and defensive in the presence of alternative lifestyle practitioners? What is so threatening about about a childfree bachelor? And, of course, is childfree a handicap in the dating and mating game?
Maybe Ive been a caveman to long but here is my way of answering your questions.
1st question- I have no idea why you asked a question that isnt true,at least not to me.
2nd question-I know many people single & divorced that have no children.None that I know ever felt threatened or ever mentioned such a thing.
3rd question-It certainly wasnt before I became a father at 31.I know you and I both are over 50 but wouldnt either having children at our age or not be of an equal handicap,if it were a handicap at all?
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