| Mar 9, 2006 @ 10:14 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Ok, we're all on a dating site presumably to find a partner and have a meaningful relationship (well, at least for some…lol).
This is only my own opinion of what's involved in the process, so if you have a different take or would like to contribute your own ideas, please do.
These topics have all been touched on in various threads, but have not come all together in one, as far as I know. I think when you break things down it gives a better idea of just how daunting building a successful relationship is?
Initial Stage:
Attraction and chemistry; "BOTH" people need to have it and it has to be "in person". If only one does the deal is dead right here. All you have to go on is physical appearance, mannerisms, and immediate personality clues through face to face conversation.
I don't put too much stock on initial, mutual interest through just emailing, instant messaging and phone calling because, other than seeing some obvious red flags by what a person writes or says, some people can be very slick and hide a lot. You have to meet.
This is the most visual, fleeting, and superficial judgment stage, for obvious reasons.
Second Stage:
Ok, you are impressed enough in person to take things further.
A few preliminary dates. This "helps" determine compatibility. I say helps because even after a few dates, you really don't know the other person or whether your lifestyles mesh. But you should be able to determine personality fit and if your hobbies and interests connect. In other words, would you like doing the same things, or can at least accept and respect the other person's tastes in music, politics, views on life, etc.?
Third Stage:
Ok, now we're getting to the meat n' potatoes of a real relationship. You've been on few dates, have real, definite interest, and "both" are willing to start dating meaningfully.
Now you find out whether you can get along with kids (if either have any), siblings, family, friends, coworkers. I think this is the missing but extremely important dimension to a new relationship that isn't dwelled on nearly enough. You may get along fantastically with each other, but knock heads with everybody else your partner feels is important. This would put enormous strain on any new relationship, and most don't last because of it.
Also, you get an idea of just how important lifestyle factors play in you and your partner's criteria. Is there a gulf in income, materialism, and morality? How much do you like engaging in each other's activities and social schedules?
If you get through all of this, the only thing guaranteed is you have finally graduated to actually dating each other seriously. Long term success and compatibility are still very much in question and need constant, mutual attention and maintenance, but you've gotten past the first awkward stages.
Ok, who agrees or disagrees?
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 10:19 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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 I agree
Good thread 
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 10:34 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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giftylight
Posts: 87
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you have broken this down very well. A good subject. Far too many are expecting to find instant love and hapiness based on a few emails,
big time will not work
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 10:52 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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Way to pull it all together, Mo. Thanks from the "newbie." 
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 10:58 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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 Thx tinks, gifty, and sylvan. I left bunch out for brevity's sake (the post was still long), but you got the idea.
The one stage I'll probably disagree with most people on is the first stage. My take is if there's obvious initial "mutual" attraction, and you've passed answering all the early questions, go ahead and meet. I'm not a fan of interminable messaging back and forth. Meet already!...lol.
If distance is a factor and makes a serious relationship a non-starter, you should have talked about it upfront and laid out the parameters of what kind of relationship you want (pen pal, part time relationship, etc?) right at the start.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 11:02 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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I have read many posts on this forum (and others) that agree with you, Mo. They all say it's best to meet as soon as possible, so as to not build up a false picture of who the other person is, only to be disappointed when you finally do meet.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 11:32 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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....also, please note failure in "any" of these stages means the relationship is done, and every stage is mutually exclusive. You can get past one stage only to find a problem in the next.
But for success, "every" stage has to succeed -- they build on each other. You can't have ultimate success without getting past all the preceeding stages.
Like I said: relationship success -- a daunting process.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 11:36 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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But for success, "every" stage has to succeed -- they build on each other. You can't have ultimate success without getting past all the preceeding stages.
 Well put Mo..I have to agree with you on that..but then I rarely disagree. 
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 11:38 AM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
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Mo....You've done an excellent job of formating this all together and expressing it in a logical....intellectual, mature manner......well thought out, well written....well presented....
Would be nice.....for all new people.(and even the old vets.)..coming onto these dating sites....to have as required reading.....and could save alot of people from the pain of the Smoke and Mirrors...and reality of dating sites.....
Thanks for taking the time....to put it all together in such a well written thread posting
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:04 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Thx again...much appreciated.
Like I said, I'm not really saying anything new, this has all been covered before, but I think this is the first time it's all been put together in one post. Sometimes seeing the whole process, instead of bits and pieces, can be enlightening?
I put such emphasis on getting along with all your partner's social connections in Stage 3 because I had one experience that caused a process "failure"...lol.
I dated a lovely woman for about three months but we finally had to break up, not because of her, but because I couldn't relate to her two spoiled, selfish, rotten adult kids (ages 21 and 26). So I know first hand how it can be a deal breaker.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:07 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,625
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Very interesting Motown.
Now, on that point, you and a lot of other people are going to a Gathering. From this point on, other people can help "vouch" for all of you. I mean for all of you. This is how most of my friends I have now did it.
It is like the pebble thrown into the water, the little waves start.
I can tell you this. A lot of people had met my husband, some had met me.
When we started e-mailing and "talking" on a message board, these same people were there too.
One person, my husbands best friend, (ToCools) had met me and we were from the same state. He(ToCools) gave Haban advice on me. I on the other hand got adivice from some lady's I had met.
Am I making any sense here? Getting to really know each other, meeting each other, forms an "extended family" here.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:19 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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So true, Katts. 
But meeting each other's friends is only part of the puzzle.
If you have kids or very close extended family and relatives, meeting them and "liking" each other is extremely important for relationship success -- again, for obvious reasons.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:29 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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Angel54214
Posts: 18,174
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"Mo"...Thank you so much for this very important topic. We are so much alone these days and times to find that perfect match that fits us in the cyber world. There is so much to cover when becomes a one-on-one establishment. I totally understand because I look at the wide scope of reality as a starting foundation to build upon.
I like your stage method because many are seriously detailed and recognize through experience of our own or through others we know what it takes to make ourselves content and happy in a building relationship. Its called dating which can be so time consuming in our busy lives.
We have to remember as we go through the process, the other one is going through it as well. We have to accept in telling our own minds and hearts that there is no perfect person, we all have our faults, quirks, past and present delimas we handle daily. We have to ask ourselves what are we comfortable to live with and adjust to about a potential mate. Keeping in mind along this exciting journey that ideas and circumstances can change. I will add more "Mo", but this is my opening opinion such the Angel I am... 
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:33 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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GraciePa
Posts: 355
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Well put, well thought, well written. Shows your a warm, caring gentleman.
I agree with it all. I understand you not being able to deal with the woman who's children were spoiled rotten but at there ages werent they on there own?
I do believe in meeting after the emails, Im's, phone etc. Distance can be a factor until the meeting takes place. Yes attraction and chemistry is a big factor. But just cause we don't share the exact interest does make it interesting. I like to learn and grow. Teach me I teach you syndrome. It makes it more interesting and sharing and growing together. Different lifestyles don't need to be the same as I said learning and experiencing from one another is fun and exciting and healthy in a relationship. Thriving and growing together. You have to nuture things together and some down time alone to do your thing. It takes lots of patience. Willing to adapt and share with one another. The same but yet different in many ways.
And to be there through the thick and thin , life's curve balls thrown at you and willing to work at it together. Another big factor is COMMUNICATION is very important. You need to be able to talk about anything and the key is to listen with an open mind. Discuss it, work through it. Trial and error if that don't work out move to another level of how to work things through together. You have to build and grow with one another. Patience, learning and nurturing. Together as one. My father always told me, 2 heads are better then one!
But you are a very well thought out man. Meeting family and friends, co-workers is fine. But remember its not them your gonna be with. Your a deep thinker!!
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 12:37 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,625
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On our second meeting,, I threw my husband right into the pit of lions! It was the weekend of my grandchilds 1st birthday party. I told him that I had a party to go to and he said ok, when are we leaving for it? I was shocked. I didn't think he would want to go to it. Yep,,,alot of "little" ones and then some! He met my mom and dad that day too.
The next time he came to visit,,he brought a 10lb chocolate bar from Guirardelli's. My mom said,,If you don't keep him, you are stupid!" Yep, she ate most of it too.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 1:12 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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7eternity
Posts: 223
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How about you just don't put 'stage' on that Match and just let the two of you be and draw your own unique path together.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 1:21 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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Loreli
Posts: 25,398
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The only thing I disagree a little on is the "other important" people in each other's lives, including family. If two people care enough about each other to want to be in a relationship , some of the "other" people won't mean as much (except, of course your immediate family) On the flip side-some people feel that relationships destroy friendships! It's all dependent on which is the more driving factor to each individual. You, or the buddies.
IMO two loving, caring, interested people could surpass "unlikeable" friends-everyone should have their own space, so each partner could maintain those friendships as long as they weren't influentially harmful to the relationship.
And, non-compatible family members must go WAY back in time-hence, all the "mother-in-law" jokes!
Very nice, Mo.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 1:42 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Not to sound clinical or antiseptic, but one reason I put dating in stages is to simplify and understand the process, and there IS a process going on here, whether people choose to accept it or not.
Dating, trying to find a suitable match, is not some random or non-thinking "happening", but a thoughtful, concerted effort by two people to gain each other's trust, respect, and, yes, love. Even then, once two people connect, future success is not automatic, guaranteed, or predestined; it's ongoing and takes work and sacrifice.
What I just discussed is between the two people themselves, and doesn't take into account external factors like our friends, family, and work environment. For some, these external factors are hugely important, and they will not separate this interaction at the expense of a personal life with their partner if the partner doesn't want to be a part of it.
Relationships have ended because of it, so it's not something to be taken lightly.
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 1:51 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown
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sissycat411
Posts: 1,248
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you and a lot of other people are going to a Gathering. From this point on, other people can help "vouch" for all of you. I mean for all of you. This is how most of my friends I have now did it
This is all and good...and I agree with you to a point....yes at gatherings we meet and interact...but its really such a superficial time frame and people, for the most part are on their best behavior.....in reality....its just a social gathering, busy schedule and lots of partying.....
Speaking from experience....I had people I respected...vouch for someone, that they had run into at several meet and greets, who invited me to attend a meet and greet with him.....and up to that point....I was interested..everyone saying what a great guy he was... but the reality of what I found in those 5 days was a shock...... I will share, only to point out the reality
1. he was a drunk
2. he had lied about his age was 67 instead of 59
3. he told me he always took someone with him to the meet and greets...so as to keep the fat, ugly chicks from being all over him.
4. he shared with me...that he belonged to a friday night screw club and had even taken his 21 year old niece as trading material.
5. he had a temper
6. he lie, to make him self look better to others
7. his personal appearance was unkept
8. he passed him self off to others as being in a high tec computer programing business, when in fact he was unemployed
9. He rented a cheap room in someones house
10. Told everyone he drove a sprots car, when in fact he drove a 7 year old honda hatchback
I could go on....as there were many more enlightening things I found out in those five days........but I think you get the picture
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| Mar 9, 2006 @ 2:05 PM |
Finding a Match, just how difficult?...a breakdown |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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Wow, sissy. Now there's dating horror stories and there's dating HORROR stories....yours was a HORROR! 
At least this guy was SO over the top he was easy to spot and dismiss. It's the sneaky, charming ones you ladies have to look out for.
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