| May 24, 2006 @ 2:39 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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RachelVaz
Posts: 1,219
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Well, guys - due to my recent experience, I have a few words of advice about meeting someone u've talked to online when they live "afar":
#1 - If you've had fights, arguments, and problems before meeting - don't count on it getting better by meeting face-to-face.
#2- If he/she promises to help you with trip expenses, get a promise in writing or the money beforehand. Do not let yourself get behind financially or make a financial sacrifice to meet this person. If they are meant to be, they will be able to help you somehow. Everyone spends money on what they want & we are amazing about being able to find the money when we really want or need it!!!
#3- Try not to make too many promises before meeting the person or accept their promises - this only leads to hurt!
#4- Put off a physical relationship as much as you can - this promotes getting attached and can lead to hurt & making it hard to forget the person if it is ended!
#5- Listen to any signs or red flags your intuition tells you - such as drug or alcohol use, unusal jealous, fights that don't make sense, etc... Your heart will tell you if the person is right or not or if they are in a healthy place in their life or not....
#6- Do not compromise your life's standards for this person. If you believe something is right for you, your family, or children, and you feel strongly about it, don't be willing to change that for him/her.
#7- Take it slow. If the person calls less or stops calling after you meet them, you will be a lot less hurt if you look at #4 - and have no regrets.
#8- Remember you are taking a risk & be willing to count the cost of that - emotional, financial, etc...
Good Luck to all of you... I have had a few disasters by meeting people online (the few times I have), but I have also met some really really good friends - all over the world! I have also heard of people who marry, so I suppose it is possible... Just please be careful - hurt is hard to get over!!!
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:44 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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#7- Take it slow.
 Meeting is one thing, getting into a relationship (especially via online) needs extra TIME! The 'time-investment' is worth it -- whichever way the outcome is...
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:46 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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RachelVaz
Posts: 1,219
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YES- if they rush you or propose marriage online or via phone.... I'd say beware... I know it works for some, but I'll be hard-pressed to get serious that way again...
If it is real love, they can wait and most of all help you to get to them!!!
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:47 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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grumblebear
Posts: 10,559
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my only rule is
Expectations; bad thing, do not build "Castles in the Air"
do not plan on or hope for anything.
until you meet in person, take everything with a grain of salt... remember Mom and Dad's warnings...
"Don't take candy from strangers"
"Don't get in a stranger's car"
"Always let people know where you are going, and who you'll be with"
its a blind date... even if you've seen pictures... we don't know anyone's heart until time has passed... and we all have flaws....
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:49 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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I agree with almost everything Rachel has said here, there are many risks in meeting people online, physical, emotional and financial, and Rachel has covered most of them.
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:51 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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That's why these forums are an excellent "tool" (only ONE form, though)...we can observe how people interact and often gain insight into the person as well as their 'personna'. 
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:51 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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RachelVaz
Posts: 1,219
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<<<<<< running & screaming... yelling for my moooommmmmmyyyyyy...
I know - I do feel like a fool - and I thought I was more logical and smarter than that... but there is a reason that the Bible warns us to "guard" our hearts with all "diligence".... Once you let your heart get involved - u are in trouble!!!
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| May 24, 2006 @ 2:55 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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You've no need to feel like a fool Rachel, the main problem is that your sense of what is right and what is wrong is far higher than his will ever be. And really, it is so difficult to really know how a person ticks until you meet them for real. You were unlucky this time because he turned out to be an asshole, and if there is a next time, I would suggest meeting sooner (to avoid wasting a lot of time on something that turns out not to be real), and to ask the guy to drive to see you, rather than the other way around, or perhaps meet halfway or something.
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| May 24, 2006 @ 3:00 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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RachelVaz
Posts: 1,219
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You are SOOOO right about that, China... I asked him to do that, but he feigned not having the "funds" - afterwards, I find out about unnecessary things he purchased after the fact - and here I am - more behind financially - but a more learned, mature individual.... People definately have the money when it is important - If the person really cares for you.. you will be high on their priority list!!
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| May 24, 2006 @ 3:00 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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And what you've posted, Rachel, is some of what a lot of us have been through (once upon a time -- or two) -- it's "generic", believe me!
It's a 'learning experience', part of l-i-f-e...and one doesn't have to be a teenager to find out they need to sign up for summer school 
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| May 24, 2006 @ 3:07 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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And what you've posted, Rachel, is some of what a lot of us have been through (once upon a time -- or two)
Been there done that..gave up everything once upon a time to move...but it didn`t work out..but I wasn`t bitter or disillusioned...took it as a lesson learned..would i do it again...yes.. 
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| May 24, 2006 @ 3:12 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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RachelVaz
Posts: 1,219
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- that should be added, I suppose - You should never let yourself become bitter -
I can thank him for some valuable life lessons the experience taught me - I am sure I'll be able to forgive wholeheartedly eventually... once I stop being mad and patch up the hole in my bank account 
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| May 24, 2006 @ 3:17 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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hahaha, one boo-boo relationship cost me beaucoup bucks, including a car...but the delay in selling my house (and the sprucing-up improvements he did) jacked the price up many 10's of thousands of $$  ...a frustrating emotional "learning experience", but I'm smilin' now  
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| May 24, 2006 @ 4:09 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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MICHIGANGIRL11
Posts: 1,649
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What a great thread. I wish I had discovered this website 15 months ago, you folks would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Another suggestion. If you are going to meet someone who you have met online, I always write their name, telephone number and any other pertinant information on a piece of paper and tape it to the inside of my front door. Just in case something should happen, you never know. (I also make sure someone knows where I am going to be).
Take care all.......wish you all the best.
Migirl11
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| May 24, 2006 @ 4:46 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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Goodness_Gracie
Posts: 710
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Migirl that is a plus...but I always told a close friend, and my kids knew.
But as Sunny says we all been through it one time or another. One of life's many lesson's and hard knocks!!! I just seemed to have found in the past the ones who thought I would support them, them thinking they could move in, etc etc etc.......but got the shovel and trashbag and shoveled it out 
We learn we grow from it all. Perhaps maybe that is why some are afraid to make the effort to try try again!! Sad as it maybe!
Rachel best of luck to you. You will get over the anger, hurt and pain cause someone misguided you!
My motto again, scratch your dupa and move on.......it all works out
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| May 25, 2006 @ 2:32 AM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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DwainP50
Posts: 5,102
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I like lesson learned list! I find them very helpful and this is one of them.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 4:36 AM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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walkingman
Posts: 639
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I think that we all have experienced what you have been through. Rachel. I know it is much harder when it happen's from afar as there has been so much time invested. I think what you wrote is applicable to any relationship we get into. It is never easy to get hurt and only alot of time will heal the wound's. I will rarely get to know someone from afar as I am where I will be for a while. It just complicate's thing's more..
I have so many horror storie's online that I have been told by many people to write a book on it. I think it's time to start it soon.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 10:45 AM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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observed50
Posts: 407
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I've been meeting people off the web for about 10 years, off and on. Through bbs's early on, then later, dating sites. Early on, the meetings were around other official get togethers of large groups off the bbs's. I've met some absolutely wonderful women off from great distances, where either of us traveled to somewhere.
My experience has always been really great. One of those women and I really gave serious thought to taking a relationship forward...then crazy time energies hit that follow a rough divorce...and I was forced to retreat to the other side of the border. But 9 years later we are still great friends...and always wondering what we should do with the wonderful energy we share.
I think the meeting people offline from afar is fraught with the same issues we have meeting folks in our own neighborhood. Because we so badly want connected so often, we simply choose to ignore all sorts of information that says something ain't right. When hunger leads our shopping...we normally come back with junk food. Someone gives us attention, lavishes us with compliments and humor, and we're swept off our feet because we WANT swept off our feet.
For me, it seems if we come together to meet folks without all the 'need' for something to come from it, then we're able to be more objective, more inquisitive, more accurate in our assessments of the other. Its not love that makes us blind...its the desire to be in love that does.
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| May 25, 2006 @ 1:42 PM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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When hunger leads our shopping...we normally come back with junk food
For me, it seems if we come together to meet folks without all the 'need' for something to come from it, then we're able to be more objective, more inquisitive, more accurate in our assessments of the other. Its not love that makes us blind...its the desire to be in love that does.
You're sure smart, MrO~ I agree 100%
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| May 26, 2006 @ 1:30 AM |
DO'S & DON'T'S OF MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE FROM AFAR |
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grumblebear
Posts: 10,559
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shopping hungry? coming home with junk food? Oy!!
I don't see myself as bitter, I joke about women, and the issues from my life... but I also do not believe in dating for me....
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