| Feb 22, 2007 @ 4:49 PM |
Trusting again
|
|
indrinita
Posts: 9
|
I am going through a difficult break up at the moment with someone I was supposed to marry this year. The break up was due to trust issues and comprimise of fidelity in the relationship. I have a question for you all out there. How do you feel that you can trust yourself and another person again as far as determining possible good matches are concerned - when you've gone so wrong before? Does it take you a long time before you feel like you are in a position to trust yourself to choose a good match again? Sometimes people are very good at projecting a certain image of themselves, and you think you know them very well when the truth is that they have some very painful things that they are hiding from you, and they happen to be good at hiding these things.
Is it simply a matter of being able and ready to take a leap of faith again, or is it about finding the "right" person, or the "right" person finding you to cast your doubts away? Any compassionate help with this would be greatly appreciated.
|
|
  |
|
| Feb 23, 2007 @ 7:45 AM |
Trusting again |
|
sciurusniger
Posts: 2,958
|
Know Thyself.
And to thine own Self be true.
If you are wise, you give your Self the time and space to really absorb the lessons that come from getting involved with someone who is not trustworthy. Yes, of course they are a chit for lying to you, but what clues did you choose to ignore? (A truth is that they always leave clues.) It is this sort of exercise in studying your needs and wants and what you will do to attempt to satisfy them that leads to Self-understanding. It isn't always pretty, but working through it will help you become stronger and wiser so that when you are finally ready to accept another person into your life you enter that new relationship with your eyes wide open and your ears ready to listen to that small, still voice within that never errs in letting you know what's really going on.
That small, still voice will also tell you when you've found the right match. It doesn't guarantee everything between you will always be smooth, there is always continued healing to do, but with the right person that healing is not so bloody painful.
|
| |
|
| Feb 23, 2007 @ 8:28 AM |
Trusting again
|
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
Alrighty, I read your profile and, to be quite honest, it sounds like a professional resume. Waaaay uptight and dry.
I'm looking for people who are serious about meeting good friends, and are ready to have real, full, and enriching interactions with the people in their lives.
Full and enriching interactions? This sounds like a contract waiting to be signed. Whatever happened to plain old hangout and chatting?
Seems to me that you set up pretty damn high standards for yourself and others. Bad news is that hardly anyone would fully live up to those.
What you need to do is lighten up and stop taking everything (yourself included) so seriously. Have some fun. I don't mean meaningful pleasurable action, I mean FUN. There is no need to analyze everything into nano particles. Sometimes while obsessing on digging deep and bettering ourselves and meditating and exercising depth and working on stuff we forget to simply enjoy life and we get lost at really knowing ourselves.
I don't know what happened in your relationship, but I do know that I'd have a hard time dating someone like you cuz I'd feel constantly analyzed and under the microscope.
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 23, 2007 @ 9:55 AM |
Trusting again |
|
ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 8,070
|
well I guess that I have to be serious at some point....
Indrinita, i didnt look at your profile but i am guessing that you are of east indian descent. If so, was this an arranged marriage? It is still very popular in the culture so I felt it best to ask. If not, then the following applies:
Kill the status quo that you HAVE to be married at a certain age. That is just culture specefic BS that only adds pressure on a person, forcing them to run to the arms of the first or second "yes." Your best bet at the moment would be to take a break and go find yourself. It seems that you have forgotten who you are and what you like to do. Find her first before venturing out to someone else because who you would be bringing to the new relationship would be the old person who you don't even know.
Stop looking for Mr. Right. You will only find Mr. Right now. You will know Mr. right because you will both be able to do things together and be 100% open. I don't mean the stupid stuff, I mean things like arguing face to face and only telling the other what you see because you truly do care; doing simple things like making a salad for dinner together; fun kid things like you walking on a rock wall while he holds your hand for stability. If you find that then you will see that you two were constantly making love because there is no advantage being taken of the other, and your relationship will be able to reach any level.
...ok...getting off my soapbox now.....GL
|
| |
|
| Feb 24, 2007 @ 2:13 PM |
Trusting again
|
|
tryitout2005
Posts: 73
|
Hang in there!!
We're in similar boats right now. My live in boyfriend bolted without explanation on Monday afternoon. Last thing I heard from him before he CALLED me and said he wasn't coming home was "I Love You". I still don't know what went wrong. I still don't know how many lies he told.
It's rough. He actually left HIS apartment (Iease was up) and I had to move within days. I'm now trying to ignore the nagging feelings and focus on tomorrow.
I know I'll trust again. I can't compare everyone I meet to one moron. I've not met many people who can lie like he did. I want to trust, in fact!
Maybe I'm a push over? I don't know. I just can't let one person who crushed me ruin the rest of my life and my chances at happiness.
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 24, 2007 @ 9:47 PM |
Trusting again |
|
lynnielou
Posts: 2,774
|
It's not as hard as you think. My ex lied and cheated on me over and over again. I was devestated! You just have to believe that there are decent, honest, trust worthy people out there. And, believe me there are! Have faith!
|
| |
|
| Feb 24, 2007 @ 9:55 PM |
Trusting again
|
|
Loreli
Posts: 25,418
|
Sadian,
your soapbox was fine..
Indri-
with the rate of divorce in the US, sometimes what seems to be is not. And that is sad. But you aren't alone. It can be better.
Like the lottery says: You can't win if you don't play.
He could be your next chance. Don't give up... 
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 25, 2007 @ 5:03 AM |
Trusting again |
|
blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
|
Marys place, what an incredible thread.........it was like you were writing my own words.........perfectly..................  If you just relax and have fun, you still may make a mistake, but your journey will be so much more enjoyable..........
|
| |
|
| Feb 27, 2007 @ 6:05 AM |
Trusting again
|
|
Pfffft
Posts: 15
|
There are very few people in this world that find their lifelong partner in the first relationship they have... I believe that if a relationship fails, we have something to learn from it...
And the key is not that you have to immediately trust someone else... you have to learn to trust yourself... only after you do that, can you begin to form a relationship with another...
Best regards...
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 9, 2007 @ 3:38 PM |
Trusting again |
|
indrinita
Posts: 9
|
Hmmm... very interesting. Perhaps I didn't really make my first post very clear, or perhaps there are a lot of assumptions being made about me. First off this wasn't an arranged marriage situation, I grew up in Canada, not in India, and there are many kinds of Indians in this world just as there are many kinds of people, lol. But I do hear your point about getting rid of a mental timeline for marriage or an otherwise serious relationship, sadian.
I think it's very important to let things flow and happen of course, but I'm also not 19, just looking for people to "date" whatever that means, lol. I like to have fun and certainly can have a lot of fun, but I also don't like to make myself completely intimate with just anyone and everyone, I think there really is a balance. But it seems these days a lot of people just want to be around for a "good time", not a long time. It's this type of attitude I really have a hard time with, I must say. To each their own I guess, but I really didn't think I was preaching that my way (or even what my way was for that matter!) was best for everyone, only me. I really haven't lost myself or forgotten what I love to do, or my passions or anything. In fact, knowing who I am is the only thing that is saving me. I feel right now my main fault is perhaps I expect the best in people, and not power trips and lies, so I suppose I just have to be more discriminating about who I let into my heart, and who I trust, even though I would love to trust people in general.
sciurusniger, I really appreciate your comments however. I think there are always clues in the early phases of a relationship that tell what someone is really about. Perhaps I decided at the time to ignore those truths and it came back to bite me in a glaring way. Live and learn I guess, that is what I'm seeing.
Marysplace, I really don't want to meet shallow people (there are enough around, and I've met too many already!), so if it seems my profile "reads like a resume" as you put it, well so be it. I'm simply being true and genuine to me, I don't like to bs people about who I am (even if a lot of other people do), and I also really wasn't looking for a profile review, I believe compassionate help and insight was what I requested from either people who are as sensitive as me, or know what it means to have trust compromised in a relationship. I mean no offence by telling you this, but if your intention to post was simply to send out some negative vibes and not show compassion and understanding, well quite frankly, do it elsewhere thanks. If the vibe of your post is anything like who you are, then honestly I wouldn't want to date you either, and my profile would do the job of weeding out people like you but that is besides the point of my thread (unless you missed it) isn't it?
I appreciate the other points you made about over-analyzing and all that, since I can have a tendency to do that, but just to be clear I wanted to know how other people move on from relationships where trust has been broken and heal themselves (so I can have insight to do it myself for example!). It's hard to forget everything and "just have fun" when you have an extremely broken heart and I realize some people might just "get over it" very fast. You might be one of them, and if you are, lucky for you, but the rest of us perhaps need help and insight. Me I'm one of those "crazy" people who feels very deeply, and gives of myself unconditionally, and loves deeply, so right now a betrayal feels like I'm running a marathon with a broken leg, just doing daily simple things, but of course my life is much more involved than just doing simple things at the moment.
And thank you to the rest of you (lynnielou, tryitout, loreli, and pffft)! Sometimes it's just good to know there are other people out there that know how you feel, and believe me I really appreciate it! This certainly wasn't my first relationship and won't be my last, but I would just love to move on without the baggage, which is what I'm working on, and what I'm seeking some insight on. Thanks to all!
[Edited on 3/9/2007 3:44 PM]
[Edited on 3/9/2007 3:47 PM]
[Edited on 3/9/2007 3:54 PM]
[Edited on 3/9/2007 3:58 PM]
|
| |
|
| Mar 9, 2007 @ 4:45 PM |
Trusting again
|
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
Gotta love the people who post asking for advice/opinion, but then get all worked up when they hear what they don't like.
Honey, you shoulda put a disclaimer: *only opinions that will make me feel good, please*
It doesn't work like that. I may not mince words, but I was honest with you. As far as your profile goes, if one wants to answer you, then one needs to read your profile to get a better picture of who you are. It's part of your personality, therefore it found its way into the answer.
And you're right. I'm EXTREMELY shallow. Hell, all I can do is think of shopping and fashion. Someone as deep as you should know by now that having a good time doesn't equal shallowness. Oh well... perhaps when you're 60 you will realize that you spent way too much time sitting on that high horse looking down on everyone.
Good luck!
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 10, 2007 @ 6:51 AM |
Trusting again |
|
Dukums
Posts: 1,686
|
I have found that you cannot trust again until you release the person who violated your trust from the cage within your heart that you have imprisoned them in for hurting you. We all do it at times. We lock them up and keep them in there, and every so often we take them out and flog them mentally then put them back in the cage. Until we release them from the debt that they owe us emotionally, we will continue to try in vain to protect ourselves from ever being hurt, thus we cannot trust again. When we need to protect ourselves from being hurt, we end up hurting others. It is called transference. Person A has hurt me and betrayed me, I will not let this happen again, so since person A hurt me, then all people are capable of hurting me, so when person B comes into my life, I have to treat them as if they are person A.
Dumb but people do it all the time. The only solution to this is to forgive person A. How do you do that? Treat the wound you received from that person like a personal financial debt. They owe you, but you know that they will never repay, so you write it off. You forgive the debt.
I hope this helps
|
| |
|
| Mar 10, 2007 @ 8:55 AM |
Trusting again
|
|
everrett
Posts: 471
|
I really like your profile Indrinita. I wish more people would give such well thought out descriptions of themselves and the people that they would like in their lives.
I really do understand issues with trusting people. Most of the time I am extremely laid back, however when people lie to me I often become a rightous judge on high passing judgement. I know it is a defensive reflex, but it is hard to ignore the fact that someone is lying directly to your face. The best thing to do is simply walk away when you discover that you can not trust the person that you should be able to trust above all others.
Trust is good if you do it with both eyes open. I trust everyone, lovers and friends, until I see a reason why I should not. At this point in my life, no matter how much I trust someone, I still try to limit my exposure to harm from whomever I am dealing.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 10, 2007 @ 6:35 PM |
Trusting again |
|
indrinita
Posts: 9
|
And you're right. I'm EXTREMELY shallow. Hell, all I can do is think of shopping and fashion. Someone as deep as you should know by now that having a good time doesn't equal shallowness. Oh well... perhaps when you're 60 you will realize that you spent way too much time sitting on that high horse looking down on everyone.
Wow, considering that I feel pretty low after a break-up, I find it so ironic that you would think I'm on a "high horse" about this topic. Once again, I will state what the point of the original post was in different words: I'd love to hear about people's experiences and journeys concerning rebuilding trust (of themselves, and of other people) after being hurt or betrayed in a relationship. It would seem mary, your "honesty" didn't answer this basic question, just for your information. I think if you're going to post in a forum, why not actually pay attention to the OP, instead of putting out something just to make a post? Maybe you're looking for a different thread, like the "let's see how low we can take someone down" thread? Sorry but this ain't it, "honey"
For someone who has 10-15 years on me, you seem to have some fairly petty and immature views about someone seeking insight (and not sarcasm and negativity, the two are not the same believe it or not!) from people who have had similar relationship experiences, and demonstrate such a lack of critical thinking or attention to anything in the original post.
I'm not expecting anyone to be like me. In fact, most people aren't and I'm used to that. I also am very familiar with what it means to have a good time, and don't equate it at all with shallowness. But it seems that sometimes people are so quick to drown their own healing processes by meaninglessness just because it's easier to be blind to themselves and it's easier to stop hurting instead of looking at themselves in a real way (god forbid authenticity or anything, lol!). I'm talking about moving on with real healing and understanding, not distracting oneself with "good times" just so they can momentarily forget their pain, while not ever addressing it, and eventually having it come back to bite them in the a$$ later (it always does if you havn't dealt with your $hit). This is something some people just don't get I suppose.
I like what you had to say about forgiving as though you forgive a debt, Dukums. That is something I've been coming to lately. I guess sometimes also the process of getting hurt and reflecting on it makes you realize that in the end you can only allow someone to hurt you, and if you don't allow them that, they can't hurt you. That seems to be what is behind the whole forgiveness process. And I agree you can't hold other people responsible for the hurts that specific people may have had the opportunity to inflict upon you, it doesn't make for good relationships!
Trust is such a funny thing really, takes so long to build it, and it can be torn down in an instant it seems..
And Everett, my profile is meant for people such as yourself (you actually get it)!
[Edited on 3/10/2007 8:10 PM]
|
| |
|
| Mar 11, 2007 @ 12:55 AM |
Trusting again
|
|
MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
|
It would seem mary, your "honesty" didn't answer this basic question, just for your information.
Oh but it did. Just not to your liking.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 11, 2007 @ 4:08 AM |
Trusting again |
|
acslim
Posts: 373
|
What I'm looking for in a mate or friend: someone caring, warm, honest, loving, affectionate, kind, thoughtful, responsible, faithful/loyal, respectful, an adventurous traveller, cultured, witty and sometimes silly sense of humour, inspiring, and spiritually
this part of your profile does seem a bit overboard i mean what is really the difference between 'caring' and 'affectionate' --'kind' 'respectful'... your splitting hairs.
no offense intended you seem like a genuinely classy person but it does make you sem a bit uptight and overly particular, and its no wonder you have a hard time trusting people when you expect so much out of them.
|
| |
|
| Mar 11, 2007 @ 7:16 AM |
Trusting again
|
|
everrett
Posts: 471
|
this part of your profile does seem a bit overboard i mean what is really the difference between 'caring' and 'affectionate' --'kind' 'respectful'... your splitting hairs. You can care for someone deeply but not know how to show affection. Many people, especially some men, have that problem. Some people are kind but condescending, and condescention generally means a lack of respect, even if only momentary. I could not imagine staying very long with someone that did not display all those qualities towards me.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 11, 2007 @ 3:56 PM |
Trusting again |
|
indrinita
Posts: 9
|
no offense intended you seem like a genuinely classy person but it does make you sem a bit uptight and overly particular, and its no wonder you have a hard time trusting people when you expect so much out of them.
I only expect a lot out of people I have allowed to enter my heart. I expect little or nothing from anyone else otherwise (well I guess it depends on the situation). If I have allowed someone into my heart or my intimate self, then it means we have gone through enough experiences together that I trust them. What I don't understand is when someone breaks that trust knowingly, after building it in the first place. Trust is so crucial and fundamental for any important relationship, friendship, partnership or otherwise. Without it, you have nothing.
By the way, to those of you that think my profile is "uptight" or feel that I expect too much, I can say that I've learned from experience that lowering one's standards just to have more people you can be interested in, is courting a recipe for disaster. If you choose to do so, good luck to you, but don't expect everyone to subscribe to your views concerning this. It also depends what you're looking for. If it's just a roll in the hay, well you need not expect much out of that, more than what it is. If it's someone you would consider spending your life with, expectations will (and should!) change accordingly. I have met many who feel they need to be with certain people who are simply not good to them or are even downright abusive, because they didn't expect much. Just because you may have low standards for who you want to spend your time with or who you want around you, doesn't mean everyone will or should feel that way. I think it's about valuing yourself, personally. I know for example, I give a lot to the people I love, and if I just let anyone into my life to take what they wanted from me, well I wouldn't have very much left to give, so I'd rather be discriminating about my choices of people around me.
It's interesting, it seems not a lot of people who may have experienced what I have lately want to speak up about it, and how they moved on from it. This is mainly what I was looking for, so I can gain some insight from other people's experiences (specifically about broken trust) to apply to myself. Thank you to those who have directly addressed my original question, and were able to extend more than glib and superficial responses. I guess it's more fun for some people to give unsolicited profile reviews, and detract attention away from the original post, lol.
Gotta love the people who post asking for advice/opinion, but then get all worked up when they hear what they don't like.
As opposed to asking for people's opinions, or even advice for that matter, I will hopefully clarify this once and for all by saying: I'm looking for people's direct experience(s) in their own lives about how they have moved on from difficult relationships in which their trust was broken, their trust of someone else, and also their trust of themselves as far as being able to choose a good mate for themselves is concerned. I'd be into finding out what people have learned from themselves after going through these situations. I've found in my life that learning about people's experiences (as opposed to getting their opinions or "advice" - I only get advice from my parents or close friends, not random people on the internet, and opinions are like a$$holes, everyone's got one, so I don't need one of those thanks, lol!) can be very enlightening. Lots of people have great opinions or "advice" that they can spout about without ever following their own decrees. I have very little interest in that for that reason. Every person's situation (with rebuilding trust within themselves and for others) is different, but sometimes common threads can be found within people's experiences, and I guess that is what I'm trying to get at in this thread. Thanks again to those who are getting what I'm talking about and for posting in that light.
[Edited on 3/11/2007 4:11 PM]
|
| |
|
| Mar 11, 2007 @ 4:05 PM |
Trusting again
|
|
dooney123
Posts: 3,511
|
Indirinita,
Personally, I like your profile and don't think you should change it, but I also think people should be allowed to express their opinions. If you think their opinions are said in a mean-spirited way, then just ignore it and move on. I do NOT think anyone should lower her standards to find a man!!!!! (or vice versa). You're much better off being on your own then being with a man who isn't right for you, and you will find the right one (especially if you're not wasting your time on the wrong one).
Anyway, to respond to what your post is really about, in the past I've found that the only way for me to really get over a guy that I had feelings for was to find a new guy that I was attracted to or had feelings for. Nothing else worked in the past. HOWEVER, I recently was very hurt by a guy on here, but I some how got over it very quickly. It's hard to put into words how I was able to do it, but the gist of it is I thought about what a jerk the guy was and how he did not deserve me and I looked at it as a learning experience. I learned a lot from the experience, so it had some value. Now I can move on with my life.
Also, I saw this quote on a blog here, and I like it alot:
" NO MAN IS WORTH MY TEARS BUT THE ONE WHO IS....WONT MAKE ME CRY!"
I hope that helps at least a little.
Good luck!!! 
|
|
| |
|
| Apr 27, 2007 @ 4:22 PM |
Trusting again |
|
burnslikethesun
Posts: 13,027
|
ya can trust again and again and again, but til they own up, ya just gona get let down again, again, and again.
|
| |
|
|
|
|