| Dec 15, 2005 @ 8:46 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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Roanin
Posts: 300
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Ok, here's the situation.......my exboyfriend, a man who is great with my son (actually was better to him than his own father was), great looking, romantic (yes this is the one from the post), a man who made me feel like I was the most beautiful,desirable,wittiest,sexiest woman in the world, a man I felt was my very breath, but, also a man with a drinking/anger problem (not a good mix by any means!) and a man who can say vicious things and not remember saying them....ya'll get the picture, I'm sure. Well, he has contacted me and told me that he wants me back, he wants his "family" back. He also said that he was willing to do anything, for that to happen. He's agreed to go to AA, he's agreed to go to anger management classes, he's even agreed to go have a phsyc-eval. to see if he might be bi-polar. So, there you have it in a nut shell. I now open the floor to your opinions/votes
Do I give it another shot, or not? 
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| Dec 15, 2005 @ 8:57 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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MarysPlace
Posts: 2,930
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Don't believe it till you see it. In other words, first have him make good on all those promises (support him at that too), THEN take him back. He f***ed up, he needs to dig himself out. Not you.
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| Dec 15, 2005 @ 9:04 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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buni
Posts: 971
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I agree with what mary said....Make sure he makes good on those promises first.
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| Dec 15, 2005 @ 9:05 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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EyesofBlue72660
Posts: 12,833
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I pretty much agree with Mary. Not only that, but he needs to be doing this for himself as much as for you and your son!!!!! My best to all three of you!!!!!
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| Dec 15, 2005 @ 9:51 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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CynCity
Posts: 556
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You ladies are so smart   . You know he can talk the talk, but make sure he can walk the walk.
I'm sure he is very sincere, and I wish him all of the luck in the world. But he's got to do this on his own, or it won't last. Of course, support him the best you can, but you and yours have to come first. For him, right now his quitting has to come first, getting back with you and your son would only be icing on the proverbial cake of getting sober.
Be very careful about the co-dependent traps...lots of good reading out there for you to at least be aware of what to expect.
Big hugs and best wishes.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 3:40 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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beachnutRU
Posts: 3,228
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I work in the field of addiction. Addiction is a primary disease. Take the alcohol out and go to AA and everything else MAY work out. Everything you may have mentioned could have possible been a result of the booze. Focus on the booze removal plan and doing what AA says and thngs may work out. However if he doesn't stop drinking the rest .......bi polar anger managemeent or none of it will work out, Focus on booze removal and 12 step recovery. 
CT
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 4:19 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 15,360
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Focus on booze removal and 12 step recovery. ]
Hey CT, glad to see you...especially with good advice. I'm with the girls too - don't let him move in until he's at least made a start at keeping those promises. It's much too easy falling back into old habits otherwise, and the last thing you or your son needs is to go through it all over again.
[Edited on 12/16/2005 4:36 PM]
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 4:39 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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mangolover60
Posts: 635
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Roanin,
I know it's your fantasy to have him back. But what about the reality? If you god rid of a car because it was a lemon, and you found it on a lot somewhere on the boulevard, would you let a used car salesman sell it back to you?
Okay, Bad example, people aren't cars. People produce gas! 
Let me put it to you this way/ While you are "waiting" for this guy to come around and make "good" on all these promises, where is your life going? It's wizzing by! How long do you wait? How long must pass before do you think he's solved the problems? Do you think you'll be right about that (forgetting the fantasy of it all)?
And, sometimes the change does you both good. Do yourself and him a big favor. Move on.
Just one red head to another.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 7:40 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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Roanin
Posts: 300
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OK here's the update...I have seen him (in a public place) and I have told him that he is not allowed at my house, until all this is done and I know that we can be together without all the drinking and fighting...I will not have that around my son. And that I will not "get back together with him" until I know he os on meds. and no longer drinking for at least 6mos. Like so many of you have said...he can talk the talk..now it's time for him to walk the walk. And just know, that I am not putting my life on hold, till then. I will live my life and if he manages to fix all the BS before I find someone else, then, sure, I'll give it another shot. So thank you all so much, for reinforcing, my original thoughts. Now I know, I'm not being a "cold hearted bi*ch". 
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 8:16 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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tahoma
Posts: 10,533
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Way to go Roanin! That's smart thinking girl!! Hope this guy, if he's as special as you say, can really walk his talk. Then even if you have found someone else... he is better off for it in the end.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 9:04 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,368
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One thing I'd like to add though - if the guy isn't a total loser, which I think you have indicated he's not (why else would you want him back)... is that this will be a difficult road for him. If you are interested in seeing him make it, it wouldn't hurt to check up on him once in a while and give him encouragement. I wouldn't say this if your son was not involved - I'd be saying f*** the bastard, but I think it benefits your son to have him recover too (I assume the relationship between them is close). I'm not saying kiss his ass, but I am saying occasional support would be helpful for him - again, not that you owe him anything, but for your boy.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 9:10 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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Roanin
Posts: 300
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Actually, my son is the main reason why I'm considering this. He still loves the guy. And honestly, when the dude wasn't drinking, he was the best love I ever had...having said that, I plan on writing, visiting and I've told him I would go to meetings with him if it would help. I will support him in this, but he has to follow through.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 9:13 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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Pete73052
Posts: 19,368
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That's the right approach IMO.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 9:17 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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Roanin
Posts: 300
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Thanks..all the feedback makes me feel better about my decision. And let's me know that I'm not being a B'. I just have such a hard time "giving up" on people...even just friends. I've always tried to see the good in everyone. I'm just trying not to be a 'sucker'.
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 9:59 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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MACADU
Posts: 53
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Roanin, you are a very smart girl to be so young..
Congrats on your decision....   
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| Dec 16, 2005 @ 11:28 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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Roanin
Posts: 300
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thanks Macadu... I'm not as young as I look..believe it or not I'm 40... (I know me either..lol) 
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| Dec 17, 2005 @ 5:28 AM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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spunkykendra
Posts: 6
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I'd make him prove hisself THEN see about taking him back. I have learned from my recent breakup, that it's hard for someone to just change the way they were for the better part of their life. If he wants to be with you and wants to do this, make him make these changes and you see a difference in him! It doesn't matter how good he is with your son if he has the potential to just "flip out". He could hurt you or your son! It's a dangerous situation. Just be careful and make SURE he's changed before you let him back into your life. It's not good for you son to have someone special in his life IN and OUT and IN and OUT. Kids need stability and I'd make sure you were thinking long term and be positive it was going to work out and he had changed! So there's my advice!
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| Dec 17, 2005 @ 5:30 AM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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spunkykendra
Posts: 6
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Oooh! I didn't finish reading everything before I posted. Good job!!! Stay strong.... that's the hardest part!
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| Dec 17, 2005 @ 2:19 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK.....
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CynCity
Posts: 556
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Good advice, Pete. She doesn't need to carry him, but there's nothing wrong with a little support from time to time.
I'm so impressed Roanin, I went through this, and I kept going back too soon. Lot's of Alanon helped me, and he eventually got better...after it was too late for us. But I'm still proud of him.
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| Dec 17, 2005 @ 2:55 PM |
WHEN THE EX WANTS TO COME BACK..... |
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beachnutRU
Posts: 3,228
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Al-Anon is the way to go. I go there too. I love the car analogy.
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