| Aug 4 @ 4:13 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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REF1976
Posts: 2
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Okay, I'm a 32 year old male. I know it's late in life to finally fall for someone but it happened. After a 6 wonderful months it abruptly ended and I just can't seem to move on. I'll try not to ramble on too much here, but will supply the relevant information.
We met on Cupid.com back in early January and needless to say really hit it off. So much so that friends and family believed we'd be married before long. She seemed to just absolutely adore me. She was the first to even drop the "I love you" bomb. Every time we were together it felt like magic. She was always so affectionate and loving. The last time we were together (May 24th) I took her and her two daughters out to the movies and afterwards she insisted we sit in the car and kiss for awhile (the kids were in the house). I remember we stopped to take a breath and I asked her what she was thinking. She said "Just how much I love you." Things just seemed to be perfect.
But then over the next few weeks plans were being cancelled for this reason or that. Any new plans were kind of dismissed out of hand, but she always reassurred me we'd do something soon - she was just very busy (she does after all work as an EMT, is going to school to become a nurse and is raising two kids). And I also noticed our phone conversations were getting shorter and shorter and later at night. But she did always make the call. I attributed that to the fact we've gotten to know each other pretty well so hour long conversations on the phone were no longer necessary. But deep down I feared something wasn't right.
On the night of June 10th she called me at 11:10 (we usually liked to talk between 10 and 10:30). I told her how much I missed her and she said she missed me as well (the night before when we talked she had to squeeze an "I love you" in at the end of the conversation). I asked "jeez, am I ever going to see you again?" she said "Well of course." I suggested we get together sometime over the weekend - any day she had free was fine. She said her Aunt was coming down and was spending the weekend with her. I suggested perhaps sometime during the week, but she said she was too busy. finally in exasperation I said "Hey, I'm trying here." That's when she said the following:
"I didn't want this."
In utter shock I responded "What, what? I'm confused, what are you talking about???"
She just sighed and repeated:
"I didn't want this. I know your getting the shaft here and I'm sorry about that."
I asked "So I guess were done, then?"
She said "Well, no."
There was silence and then she asked "What are you thinking?"
I was so shocked and confused I simply responded "Nothing...."
She asked what time I worked tomorrow and if she should let me go back to bed. I said "Yes. Goodnight."
I didn't hear from her again until June 22nd. She left me the following voice mail message (it's burned into my memory):
"Hey, it's Tina. It's 1:20 sunday afternoon. I just wanted to call and talk. I feel that... there are things that need to be said. So if you want, give me a call when you get a chance...if you still have my number. I hope to talk to you soon. Bye."
When I told my friends and family that she called and what she said they all said under no circumstances call her - EVER. She's just trying to reel you back in, they said. I figured perhaps she's just calling to get closure and almost everyone I talked to said that just doesn't happen. A girl doesn't call a guy she dumped two weeks later just to tell him why she dumped him. She wants something, either to start up the relationship again or to be friends. And it will only make things more painful.
Well I took everyone's advice and didn't return her call, and I was told that I did the right thing. But deep down I wanted to. I would have at least been able to get some answers as to what the heck happened. But, is it possible she wanted to get back together, that she really missed me? I'm thinking now perhaps I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Perhaps this is why I'm having such trouble getting past this. I keep asking myself "What happened? I thought she loved me?" I know it's way too late to call now, nearly 2 months later (actually, I keep hoping she'll call me again, but I know that's wishful thinking).
There are some days I want to call and beg her to take me back. I just loved her so much. I would have moved the heavens and the earth for her. I really thought she'd be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. I'm still so utterly devastated....
Any opinions on any of this?
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| Aug 4 @ 6:00 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,251
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I'm not big on burning bridges, especially without a specific reason.
The whole thing could be as simple as she's felt smothered/torn in a dozen different directions/overwhelmed/distracted from her previous path -- any number of reasons...things you'll never know unless you find out yourself. From her, directly, not friends and family or even us.
Good luck.
And "the brass ring" is always worth reaching for...until you know the ride has stopped.
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| Aug 5 @ 12:48 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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Call her......... ..it hopefully will end the confusion...
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| Aug 6 @ 9:09 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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LaughTillYaPuke
Posts: 1,822
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See? I feel differently than you do. Just from what you told me, it sounds like she was feeling overwhelmed. I am in a LDR with someone and don't think for one second that I haven't had doubts.
Not about him, but about how to make it all work. If we are being fair to each other. We ahve been careful not to say ILY, but those words are just under the surface many times I think. But isn't that the nature of that particular beast? To enjoy being swept along with all of those wonderful possabilities and feelings?
I can SEE saying to Jim "I didn't want this". And I don't. I DON'T want him 8 hours away. i don't want to spend the next 4 years flying back and forth. Sometimes I can't see how we could possibly pull this thing off. Does this change how I feel for him? NO. But I think that you DO have to allow each other to have weak moments. That being overwhelmed and missing someone can be seen as a good thing too. That you do really care for them.
You ahve to share control if everyone is going to find a comfortable place. If she is backing off, you can reassure her that you care. That you are waiting for her. But in the end, the questions swirling around in her head, can only be answered by the two of your together.
I think every relationsip has a certain amount of pulling away and then coming back together. And a woman greatly appriciates a strong man who will be there waiting for her when she can calm down again and see the big picture.
She has a great deal on her plate right now and it sounds as if you are willing to accept all that.
Call her. You may just ahve missed out on a great love. AND a period of time when she wasn't going to school and you could ahve spent more time with her.
I asked "So I guess were done, then?"
She said "Well, no."
And there was your answer. and when she asked what you were thinking...there was your opportunity to tell her that you were wondering why she was suddenly pulling back. And to tell her that while she may be frightened, you were still right there waiting for her.
This is just my opion of course....
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| Aug 6 @ 9:27 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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lj450
Posts: 8,422
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Dont let yourself become "Mr Convenient". If you do that, she will continue to walk all over you. Let her know that if she isnt sure about you, then you arent sure about her either.
While I like Puke, I do not agree with her line of thought about "waiting for her to figure things out". She knows you will be waiting in the wings IN CASE she doesnt find the one that really makes her heart go pitter-patter.
Ive never wanted to play back-up quarterback, nor have I ever wanted to sit on the bench and quietly wait my turn. If its that hard, its prolly not meant to be.
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| Aug 6 @ 9:30 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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LaughTillYaPuke
Posts: 1,822
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Heck no....the man doesn't have to be a patsy....but women are natural worriers. (TRUST me on this  ) And just because she pulls away doesn't mean that she won't bouce back with a little love and patience.
No-one has to play the fool. And he went out of his way to NOT be one. But he may have missed out on a few things while he was busy leaving her..... 
(And I like you too LJ...  )
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| Aug 6 @ 10:51 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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mailorderannie
Posts: 5,923
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I didn't want this. I know your getting the shaft here and I'm sorry about that."
I think you jumped to a conclusion that "the shaft" she mentioned here was you being dumped. It could be that she realized you aren't getting the time you deserve because everything else in her life had to be dealt with and you were being moved down the line of priorities.
She is probably sitting there thinking you turned your back and walked away and she wasn't ready for it to end. Call her...there's too many unanswered questions...too many "what if's" and you may be walking away from THE relationship of your lifetime.
You know this woman better than anyone else so you should know if she is the type to reel you back in....it doesn't sound like she is, but you would know that better than anyone here.
Save yourself this pain that you are putting yourself through wondering and pick up the phone and find out for certain. I'll bet things aren't as bad as your are thinking.
Keep us posted...I'd love to hear a happy ending to this story.
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| Aug 6 @ 11:40 AM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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lj450
Posts: 8,422
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you were being moved down the line of priorities
If she ever thinks you are important enough to move back up in that list of priorities, then she will call you. Dont call.
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| Aug 6 @ 12:24 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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PentatonicPunk
Posts: 381
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I'm not good at this kind of thing, but it sounds to me like you might have been the one who walked away. If you love this woman, I would think it's worth it to give it another go before throwing in the towel. Go git her dammit!
bring handcuffs
(j/k)
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| Aug 6 @ 12:57 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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Its called communication........too many people "assume" and thats what can lead to problems. People need to talk about what they feel......it can also lead to growth for both people. Too many people either run, hide, clam up, and dont try to talk and resolve. jmo
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| Aug 6 @ 1:51 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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sy721
Posts: 75
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Believe me budd...Don't call as you look like a dog who comes running everytime she whistles...She's testing to see if you will, and if you do, as mentioned earlier..you become mr easy, the guy she can resort to when nobody wants her or shes had her fun... 
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| Aug 6 @ 2:13 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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LaughTillYaPuke
Posts: 1,822
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Isn't it interesting that the women (who pretty much knows how a woman thinks) believe that she was interested in you, and the men think she was just playing games?
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| Aug 6 @ 2:14 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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A man can still show his strength by showing his gentleness. And from there its a matter of setting his boundries. It doesnt show weakness of he wants clarity.....jmo
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| Aug 6 @ 2:16 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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Loreli
Posts: 20,319
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Call her.
Put your mind at ease, maybe hers also.
Just talk it out. 
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| Aug 6 @ 2:20 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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Communication...cant be said enough, ......not the kind where you beat it to death.......but the kind where you lay the cards on the table. jmo
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| Aug 6 @ 2:38 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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sy721
Posts: 75
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Nobody knows how anybody else thinks...So personally she could be serious or seeing how easy you are to control...I would not ever be controlled by anybody...But thats just me
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| Aug 6 @ 4:42 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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custis
Posts: 1,365
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To hell with her. No matter what her excuses, you deserved better than what she did. Straighten yourself up right now and forget about her. There are three billion women out there and the majority of them will treat you better than she did. Open a bottle and have a good drunk and a good cry and then go out and get laid. YES! I said get LAID! There is no better curative for the heart. After that you can set your sights on living a good life and looking for a better Ms. Right. Life is far too short for games. Do not waste your life on games.
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| Aug 6 @ 6:26 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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sy721
Posts: 75
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^^^^^Could not have put it better myself....Perfect advice imo 
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| Aug 6 @ 6:46 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened.
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painter007
Posts: 15,990
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I guess I just dont see where she was being so rotten,,,,,she needed a time out..to collect her thoughts.......why do people just run away so easily...??? and call it quits? Confuses the he** outa me...
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| Aug 6 @ 6:49 PM |
Can't get over a first love. So confused as to what happened. |
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Aeromuse
Posts: 2,820
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Isn't it interesting that the women (who pretty much knows how a woman thinks) believe that she was interested in you, and the men think she was just playing games?
I found that interesting as well Tilly!
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