| Aug 5, 2008 @ 12:10 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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LipGlossQueen9
Posts: 10,955
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I'm sure many of you know by now that I went through an abusive and emotionally taxing relationship during my senior year of high school which led to my joining MD.
We broke up in 2006 and recently opened the lines of communication. I needed to get closure. I needed to forgive him, but also I needed answers. I needed to know why he started to treat me like that, and I needed to be able to let go of the grudge and move on with my life.
I basically poured my heart out into a letter on Facebook and sent it to him, under the impression that he hated the hell out of me and thought I f***ed up his life and was making a joke out of me with his friends.
It took him a few days to write back, but he wrote back last night and what I read definitely surprised me. He told me that he acted the way he did out of fear and that while nothing can excuse what he did and he cannot apologise enough for it, he wanted me to know that he truly did love me at the time and he was very happy but the more he thought about having a future with me the more he freaked out. He told me that he still considered me a very close person to him as I knew more about him than most people do and that he's very content with his life and has had time to find himself. He is very happy that I've found Marko and that I am in love with Marko and planning on spending my life with him. He bears no ill will toward me and never did. He never spread my private business to anyone or made fun of me behind my back. He did try to say "I wouldn't mind if we could be friends", but I will not allow that to happen.
It was very important to me to have this kind of closure because the end of that relationship and the baggage that came with it had a huge effect on me for a very long time.
Closure is not always possible, but as you can see...sometimes it is. Always make the effort if you think it CAN be made.
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| Aug 5, 2008 @ 12:26 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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painter007
Posts: 17,854
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Very happy for you Lip......Not all people can have the strength for closure...they hide and blame. They rather not take any responsibilty for their part in the breakup. But when you get what you need from closure, it makes the path ahead of you much clearer. 
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 4:26 AM |
Closure - It's Possible
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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My closure came about ten years after my divorce. The divorce had been nasty and the ex had really put me through a lot of unneccessary bs. Anyway, about ten years later she had been out traveling with my daughter who was about fifteen at the time. They ended up at my place and my ex asked if they could spend the night. Overjoyed at unexpectedly being with my daughter, I said yes. They could sleep on my nice comfy couches in the living room.
Somewhere in the wee hours, the ex slipped into my bed with me. I felt her snuggle up and start groping me. Conquoring a wave of anger, I put away the thought of kicking her out of the bed and opted for a different way of handling the situation. I got on top of her and used her like a one night stand, reaching my orgasm within seconds, finishing as she was barely getting going. Then I just rolled over and went to sleep without another word or touch. It was the ultimate expression of my contempt.
If you think I was too harsh and petty, you have no idea what I put up with from this woman after our divorce. By treating her like a sperm receptacle, I let her know for once and for all that there was absolutely nothing between us to rekindle, and never would be. After that, I was finally able to lay my anger at rest.
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 4:44 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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Aeromuse
Posts: 3,979
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Dude, that's just......disturbing.
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 4:57 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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willowy1
Posts: 9,193
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I got on top of her and used her like a one night stand, reaching my orgasm within seconds
And ladies THIS is why we never go for the one night stand 
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 5:09 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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painter007
Posts: 17,854
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I dont think however much I was hurt and hated my ex at one time....that I could ever do anything so cruel and disrespectful....thats just me tho......what gave me closure was forgiving him......
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 5:20 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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"disturbing"
Like I said, you have utterly no idea the grief this woman put me thru when all I wanted for us was to move on with our lives and share our children. What I did was the perfect response for her arrogant assumption that she could just forget all the rotten things she had said and done to me and just crawl into bed and use me because she hadn't had any in a while. Note that I welcomed her into my house, despite our differences. Every time I went up north to her place to see my kids I had to wait out on the road like an unwelcome salesman because her wimpy Mexican husband would get jealous and start whining at her if I was on the property. Later on when the guy beat her up and put her in the hospital and she tried to kill herself, who was there to take care of the kids and help her out? Me.
She had a different Mexican boyfriend before this guy and when I arrived at her parent's house one day to pick up the kids at a prearranged agreed-upon time, the guy wanted me to talk to him instead of her, even though he could not get a coherent word of English out of his mouth. When I ignored him, he attempted to pull a gun on me. I knocked him out cold with a left to the point of the chin. Then I took the gun and carefully emptied it before tossing it out into the swamp behind the house. Fortunately my children were inside and did not see any of this. Like the hubby, this guy also beat her and put her into the hospital.
Before that when her drunken longshoreman ex-boyfriend came into her house when she was not there and shot the walls full of holes with a gun, who went and found the guy down at the dock and wrapped a 2x4 around his head? Me.
You think my treatment of her was disturbing? Fine. Call it anything you want. I worked my ass off for six years trying to make her happy, despite all of her poor judgement calls that kept us in the poorhouse. What did I get? I got dumped because she had developed a fetish for orientals, blacks and Mexicans. Don't talk to me about cruel and disrespectful or disturbing.
There. I just told a bunch of strangers things that I have seldom even talked about with my closest friends. Go figure.
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 5:23 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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willowy1
Posts: 9,193
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You are not so bad Custis! 
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| Aug 6, 2008 @ 5:24 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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Hey, I get to ranting sometimes so you just have to forgive me. I have always been a writer and sometimes I just get going when I let my thoughts out in these forums. It is never my intention to offend or hurt anyone's feelings.
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| Aug 13, 2008 @ 4:28 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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grumblebear
Posts: 10,559
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Closure is an odd ideal, I think for some it is merely a way to express power... to hurt someone for hurting them,
I think for myself the best closure is when I let go of the whole thing.... the person ceases to exist in my world... Any mutual friends, I leave, I clean house... remove any reminders, make a clean sweep...
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| Aug 16, 2008 @ 12:47 AM |
Closure - It's Possible
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burnslikethesun
Posts: 13,027
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Closure - It's Possible yep with enough time comes enough rope, for them to hang themselves. Ahhh the sweet closure
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| Aug 16, 2008 @ 1:01 AM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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lell
Posts: 1,458
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I think closure is just another name for curiosity, (why did they act like that, was it something I did, what does the other person look like?) and we all know what curiosity did!!
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| Aug 21, 2008 @ 4:00 AM |
Closure - It's Possible
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custis
Posts: 1,890
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Once the relationship becomes past tense, things like closure simply do not matter. It is enough to know that it did not work. I was in my late thirties before I realized that all the nihilistic glooming I did over women who did me wrong was just a form of mental masturbation. When we are in our twenties we often feel a sort of martyric (is that a word?) glory in feeling sorry for ourselves over having been screwed over by a woman/man. Sometimes I think this closure thing is just a vehicle for those who wish to see themselves as the tragic and noble bereaved lover of the Harlequin romances. But then again, I have sucked down about five beers so tomorrow my opinion may change. 
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 6:09 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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I would have to say, I have had closure on almost all of my relationships. In fact, I'm still friends with most of them.
Very,very few have ever gotten ugly.
I have written my last gf, hoping to get closure, she has yet to respond. It was a LDR anyways, but i hope to save the friendship.
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 6:20 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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equuisdancer
Posts: 320
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Good luck Blue...I had a Ditto..and still no answer..some people just don't need? friends? At least ones who really DO care about them as JUST friends no matter what is past.
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 6:54 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,408
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What's closure to one may not be the same to the other in a relationship. That's what can make it difficult, IMHO.
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 7:55 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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equuisdancer
Posts: 320
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Loreli...maybe some People are just difficult??
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 10:03 PM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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Loreli
Posts: 25,408
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 maybe....
I have had nothing but "I love you, but we need to part" breakups.
Well, except one this year.And I have stayed friends with all. But they have moved on, and it's rare I see them.
If someone is being difficult?
Just take a break for awhile....you'll drive yourself nuts!
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| Aug 23, 2008 @ 11:14 PM |
Closure - It's Possible
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daisy315
Posts: 4,946
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Custis.. she had absolutely no right crawling into your bed that night.. , she got what she crawled in there for..
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| Aug 24, 2008 @ 12:10 AM |
Closure - It's Possible |
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redhairNfreckles
Posts: 4,694
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I think my ex and me are better friends now than during our 30 yr. long marriage. He has helped me, or our kids, each and every time someone asks. I don't mean monetarily, but by letting us use his tools, shop to repair cars, etc. For instance, I bought a new screen door last month but no one (kids were busy) was able to install it for me. So, I asked my ex if he would and he was up at the house within 15 minutes. It has only been recently that I would even allow myself to ask him for anything. But, after 11 years of separation/divorce, we have managed to move on with our lives, he has even remarried. One day, some time ago, when out of sheer desperation, he was asked to help out with something and we all saw the willingness that he had to help. Almost as if he felt that he was still worth something afterall in our eyes. He seems more humble now. Besides, it just shortens your life span to hate and it just isn't worth it.
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